To think friend is overreacting. It WAS bad sportsmanship and not to apologise

[dogsvcats]

So I have 2 friends, both who have DSs the same age but they play for different rugby clubs about 1 hour apart. Ill call them Anna and Belle for ease. Anna's DS plays for club A and Belle's DS for club B. The 2 clubs played each other at the weekend in a league game.

Anna and I were best friends at school. I am godparent to her DS. However, I now live closer to Belle and it was at Bs ground where the game took place. Anna arranged to meet me mid afternoon as she was down for the game and said it would be nice to call in. She actually ended up ringing me and asking if I could meet earlier as they hadn't stayed at the club as long as she originally planned. No problem.

Team B won, with only a couple of points in it. However apparently in the dying seconds of the game Team B did a penalty which was missed by the ref. They then kicked the ball out of play resulting in the game being over and Team B winning. Team A were furious, and some players appealed to the ref but he apparently told them to shut up. If he had awarded the penalty and they had got the kick in they would have won. Some of the players got a bit heated with the ref until their coach intervened.

Normally both teams would get changed and head into the club house for food, award man of the match and do a polite thanks for having us. Anna obviously expected that to happen initially. Instead Team A were complaining about the ref in the changing rooms, kept going into to Team B and calling them cheaters and have told Team B that they are going to put in an official complaint against the ref. They then got changed and left immediately which is why she was early to meet me.

My DS also plays rugby (although for Team C) and I said I thought that was a bit poor in terms of sportsmanship. We've all been there when a games decisions haven't gone your way but that they should have sucked it up and gone to do the after game nonsense anyway. If they then wanted to complain about the ref that's a separate issue. She got shockingly offended and when I wouldn't take it back actually stormed out the cafe.

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly. She'd also hurt I would take Belle's side which is a relatively new friendship over our longstanding one. It is apparently making her reconsider our friendship but would accept my apology ..

Part of me thinks to just apologise to keep the peace but the other part of me thinks they were bloody unsportsmanlike and if having a different opinion to her is enough to make her reconsider the friendship means its not much of a friendship!

So AIBU to say sorry she is upset but not sorry for my opinion.

If there was a knock-on at the point the ball was caught, that would be a scrum not another penalty (apart from a unlikely scenario of a knock on being picked up by a player in front of the catcher – I doubt any ref would have missed this if it had occurred, it's usually pretty obvious).

They're obviously disappointed to lose a close game, but their reaction was a bit petulant, and Team B weren't 'cheating' they were playing to the whistle, no rugby team of any age or standard are going to call a knock-on against themselves, that's just doesn't happen.

Nothing wrong with what you said, OP.

She overreacted massively.

In my experience when parents get involved and fall out over something to do with their children it can escalate quickly, but while that’s happening the children have made it up, forgotten it and moved on.

I agree with PPs that it’s not about rugby, it’s about your friendship with Belle, that’s why Anna mentioned her. She’s feeling insecure.

Anna is ridiculous for thinking her child’s hobby makes him professional.

It sounds like Anna (and the rest of Team A and supporters) were not in a place mentally to hear anything other than sympathy. By the time she got to you they had riled each other up and there were enough of them to feel justified. I can understand that, I know what sidelines can be like. In her head, when you suggested that her reaction (and all of team A) was unjustified it has been like taking sides with either the referee or Team B. Poor Belle even got dragged into it.

There will be time for the dust to settle, maybe they will lodge a complaint, maybe not. Likely when they do it will change nothing but that referee will be noted for future games.
Referees can’t see everything, and teams and supporters frequently forget this. There’s no video evidence at amateur level so you unfortunately just have to accept what the referee sees and decisions they make. Sometimes it’s a bitter pill to swallow as it can have big implications but that’s what you sign up to when you play.

As far as your conversation with Anna goes I could suggest that the apology you could make would be one of not being more sympathetic with what in hindsight was a very frustrating decision for her. That’s where she possibly felt you poured salt in the wound.

You do not need to be apologetic for a differing opinion. You are a neutral spectator, you can look objectively at it.

I love sport, grew up in a very sporting household where match results made for either a very happy, quiet or grumpy car journey home so I get the passion. Anna does need some perspective though and it would seem that the match result isn’t really what has annoyed her but it possibly reared some jealousy over your friendship with Belle.

To give a rugby perspective...

As a coach, ref, parent and involved in rugby at committee level I can honestly say team A behaved appallingly and I would be surprised if team B didn't raise a complaint. It is completely against the RFU's core values (TREDS Teamwork, Respect, Enjoyment, Discipline, Sportsmanship) Refs miss things, they're only human and there is a lot going on, and can only make decisions on things they see before them, even at international level this can happen. Also, at this level the refs are not supplied by the home team but by the society so should be impartial.

When an infringement is missed the team who should have benefitted from it should suck it up (and I am coaching this to my U11's atm) because the referees decision IS final. No arguments.

For them to go into the oppo's changing room after the game to taunt them and to bring it off the pitch is diabolical and should be dealt with by the county/league board. The coaches should also have nipped this in the bud before it even left the pitch.

As for your friend...she sounds like a loon

@Birnamwood

Well said.
Completely agree.

Team A have made a complete show of themselves at an away game and should be mortified but with parents like Ann, hardly surprising.

The ref is always right. No matter what the boys must respect his decision and accept it. The parents should teach this and not encourage any decent

For them to go into the oppo's changing room after the game to taunt them and to bring it off the pitch is diabolical and should be dealt with by the county/league board. The coaches should also have nipped this in the bud before it even left the pitch.

This is what I couldn't understand from OP's description of what her friend said happened, DS plays and the coaches are constantly and emphatically drumming into the children that what happens on the pitch, stays on the pitch, you don't drag any resentments into the clubhouse, which is why I asked if all the players had flounced off or just some of them ?

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I thought you were going to say unsportman like behaviour of team B. If they knew they had done something which was a penalty, they should have told the ref.

This is what I thought! Acceping a win that you don't deserve is VERY un-sportsmanlike. I don't think a team is obliged to be pushovers and not defend themselves if a referee makes an infuriating mistake and they lose the game because of it. I don't think you should have got involved and to be honest when a friend is upset and disappointed you shojld support them, not criticise. I'd apologise.

Your friend sounds like a bully

Team A should give up playing rugby as they clearly don’t understand the ethos.
You play to the whistle and don’t complain about decisions. Technically rules may be being broken all the time but it is the ref who decides.

Pushing boundaries is part of the game. I remember 40 years ago being told how clever the All Blacks were with their line out calls. They weren’t giving information about where they would throw the ball, they were indicating where the ref was standing.

I would probably not have said the word "unsportsmanlike" to Anna at that point. Probably better to be a bit more delicate or swerve the subject at that point.

However you were absolutely correct and Anna's reaction (and bringing up Belle) is way, way OTT. A level of crazy I would be thankful to have some distance from.

One factor that used to separate Rugby from Soccer is that the players realise that Refs get it wrong sometimes. After the final whistle you shake hands, leave the field, thank the ref and look forward to the next game.
Don't let these things fester. Stop the conversations between the parents try to get parents to agree to tell the players to end the conversations and get back to preparing for the next game.