AIBU - to think some parents TRY to make their children popular?

[Perfectlyadjusted]

I have a 6 year old daughter, and recently she was not invited to a party in a her class. My daughter is one of those children who plays with everyone, teacher says she is like that, always jumping according to which genes she finds most exciting, rather than hanging with one group. She's liked, yeah. But there is a group of girls with one particular popular girl who seems to be most liked. Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!

I mean, this stuff is cute, but can someone tell me is this what I should be doing?! AIBU to think this mum is going overboard? Or as I being just a ridiculously hard on myself for not putting huge effort into this stuff.

There is a small group of girls who have been invited to a party recently, and my daughter has not been invited. She doesn't;t seem too bothered, but I wonder whether I should be doing more to, you know, stoke up her popularity!

Am I overthinking?

Honestly nothing you've described screams "mother trying to make her kid popular" what's wrong her daughter wearing bows or sunglasses?

ok you lost me 😂

your Daughter sounds like she's doing fine OP 🌸

In the nicest possible way, you sound a teeny bit jealous! I'm sure your kid is lovely, stop worrying so much about what other people are doing.

I don't deny that some people do try to make their kids popular by purchasing expensive or cool items but I can't see how a bow would make a difference. I mean if the mum hired out the entire iMax for a private screening I'd say that's something but a bow and sunglasses

Maybe she just likes bows, and the puppies needed to get out of the house. There's still sun in autumn. I wear sunglasses year-round. 🤷‍♀️ None of those things seem unusual.

There is sometimes compentiion amongst parents, I've seen it but I don't think this comes under that heading.

The most important thing to do as far as relating to the other parents is concerned is to make sure it is give and take.

i.e if they go on sleepover one time
make sure that you offer back on a different occasion.

and so on.
hope that's a help?

Your child has a large choice of friends but this comes at a consequence and in this case she didn’t make the cut on invites. I found at this age parents popularity was more imply than the child’s.

I put bows in my daughter's hair because they're cute, she likes them, and I like them. I let her wear little sunglasses because they're cute, she likes them, and I like them. I walk my dogs to school to pick her up sometimes because it's nice and my daughter likes it. It's literally never crossed my mind that any of these things could make my daughter popular. I think you're being very oversensitive.

Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!

I think your ideas of what makes a child popular might be a bit out of kilter - I'm not sure sunglasses (even in the Autumn term!) are a passport to being BFFs with the whole class.

Erm yes you are definitely overthinking. Stop being so judgemental and go find something else to worry about.

Your daughter sounds a bit like mine. Mine was well-liked within her class but never settled in an established friendship group - she flitted around the periphery of different groups. It meant that if there was a party with limited numbers she would often be overlooked. She never had a “best friend” at primary school. Most of the time it suited her very well, although there were times when she was upset if she wasn’t invited.

I did used to beat myself up. Because I work full-time, I couldn’t arrange afterschool play dates to help promote friendships and I wondered if that had an impact. I never thought that bows or sunglasses would make a difference, though..!

What you’ve described about this mother wouldn’t add to a child’s popularity. Some kids are just popular. Others aren’t. As long as your child is happy, then don’t worry too much.

Bows and puppies you say?! 😎😎

I'm not sure having bows and sunglasses makes someone popular.

I think it might be easy to think a parent is trying to make their dc popular when they are really just trying to make support them to build friendships.

Supporting my dc to build friendships is the reason I have dc over to play, why I take my dc to some activities and why I host sleepovers and thr like. Having no friends is miserable so I'd like to avoid that. There's no goal to make the dc super popular though. I'm not sure how a parent could achieve that anyway.

I think you are overthinking. Popularity at school won’t have much to do with puppies or bows.

IME mothers trying to make their dd more popular invite the whole class, or all the girls. Sounds like this girl has just invited her closest friends and if your dd hangs out in different groups she might not be on the bday list for any of the groups as parties get smaller and girls tend to choose their small friendship group who they hang out with every break time, sadly.

You seem judgemental and jealous tbh.

My DS is 6 and it's totally normal not to be invited to every party at this age. They are not in reception anymore when it's standard to be invited to every child's party in the class. They are forming more close friendships. If your daughter doesn't have that yet then there's nothing wrong with it at all but it does mean if children are only inviting small numbers to parties then some children won't be invited. It won't always be like this

I will just say that the "popular" girl isn't necessarily the pleasant one. They are often loud, pushy and manipulative and come from similar parents. I'm projecting though, can you tell?

You're sounding a bit jealous of a child OP. She brings her dog for a walk when she picks her daughter up.

I think its naive to pretend that there aren't parents who deliberately set out to make their kids AND themselves very popular. Bit of social engineering if you like - the mum who is on every committee and uses her influence to her child's benefit, is constantly offering lifts and babysitting etc. And yes, maybe bringing in a puppy and inviting some kids to stroke it whilst telling others no its not good for the puppy to have lots of strokes - I have actually seen that very situation happen!

As @ANameChangeAgain says, these kids aren't very pleasant and the parent pushy and manipulative. But then that happens in other parts of life too - its just very hard to see it happen in school.

Honestly you can't really control or influence popularity easily. There's a popular boy in my childs reception class. He doesnt have fancy stuff etc or a trying hard parent. He is fun, and leads/initiates a lot of the imaginative games, which is clearly appealing to his peers. However he can be a bit to boisterous, generally isn't very well behaved and is quite rude from adults/teachers perspectives, and its hard to predict whether the children will be put off in a year or two if playing with him constantly means they get in trouble.

So popularity changes constantly. You really can't predict where it will land and usually what influences it is beyond your control, I can see that my son won't be very popular because he doesn't have that charming confidence.

Social engineering is totally a thing in some schools and cohorts. My dd is in a class with a lot of parents who are social climbers. My dd is well liked by all the girls but wasn’t making the final cut for parties, with close friends, because the I’m not close friends with the child’s parents. Ditto, when my dd was good pals with an existing trio: she was never included on play dates or sleepovers because the parents were firm friends.

However, take heart, because my dd is starting to make the cut for parties, with other children, now the children are older. Some parents are still clinging on and trying to control their dc’s friendship groups but most are allowing their dc a bit more autonomy.

You can't force popularity. My DD is very popular, lots of friends, gets invited to everything, kids always knocking on the door for her to come and play. The reason she's popular is because she's a fun friend, genuinely cares about her friends and is never mean, even if she doesn't like someone. I support her friendships by always making her friends welcome at my house and making some effort to be friendly to their parents but apart from that it's all on her. Sorry this sounds a bit braggy but I was never popular at school so I'm a bit in awe of her!

My son wears sunglasses if the sun is out, regardless of season. He has that thing where he sneezes in bright light.

He pretty popular amongst his friends but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with his Batman sunglasses

Bringing puppies to school gate may equal walking and socialising new family members so unless they are rented, borrowed or stolen explicitly to entice children, I wouldn't give that another thought. Equally for having opinions about another child's appearance - bows and sunglasses, unless she's been giving out t-shirts with names and photographs printed on for the popular girl's club.

Don't over-think it and just help your DD navigate school and friendships.

Good luck.

You could have described my daughter with the bows and sunglasses so i think youre being unfair. Most likely shes just a chilled mum who supports and enables her daughters interests.

Personally if my child wants piercings, hair dye, ridiculous clothes, bows, whatever, i look to help her without comment on whether i like them or think its tacky.