AIBU - to think some parents TRY to make their children popular?

[Perfectlyadjusted]

I have a 6 year old daughter, and recently she was not invited to a party in a her class. My daughter is one of those children who plays with everyone, teacher says she is like that, always jumping according to which genes she finds most exciting, rather than hanging with one group. She's liked, yeah. But there is a group of girls with one particular popular girl who seems to be most liked. Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!

I mean, this stuff is cute, but can someone tell me is this what I should be doing?! AIBU to think this mum is going overboard? Or as I being just a ridiculously hard on myself for not putting huge effort into this stuff.

There is a small group of girls who have been invited to a party recently, and my daughter has not been invited. She doesn't;t seem too bothered, but I wonder whether I should be doing more to, you know, stoke up her popularity!

Am I overthinking?

I think her main problem sis actually that she likes the boys' games more, says they are more fun

Why is that a problem?

I think the little girls mum is just making an effort in her own way and I don't think there's anything wrong in what she's doing. Sometimes my little boy takes a couple of his little toys into the playground before school because I guess he's excited and wants to show off.... it's got nothing to do with popularity. It's just part of who he is (he is toy crazy!).
Try not to let this girl or her parents intimidate you. You do you and let them do them. As long as everyone is being kind there really is no right or wrong here. Just be yourself!

Some mums are very good (or notorious) for this, keeping their children in the limelight, talking about their accomplishments etc.

The ones I know did raise confident dds so I guess it worked. But there are hints that there were problems too (anorexia). Seem to be well adjusted now though.

Two children here

I have experienced primary and secondary
I have experienced state and private

Every school I have been completely unaware of any nasty looks, judgements, children being left out because a gang of mothers don’t like another mother etc etc

Just decent, friendly, fairly sociable parents. Quick chat at school gates when I’m doing pick up. The odd sociable drink or Christmas gathering. Pleasant, friendly. No drama.

It would seem that is a very usual experience !

@mountbattenbergcake

Some mums are very good (or notorious) for this, keeping their children in the limelight, talking about their accomplishments etc.

The ones I know did raise confident dds so I guess it worked. But there are hints that there were problems too (anorexia). Seem to be well adjusted now though.

Yes, this.

There are a few messages on here querying whether I am jealous. It's not really that, though there could always be elements of that in there, I don't feel it. It's more than I'm wondering whether this is a good parenting strategy I don't know about!

@november90

I think the little girls mum is just making an effort in her own way and I don't think there's anything wrong in what she's doing. Sometimes my little boy takes a couple of his little toys into the playground before school because I guess he's excited and wants to show off.... it's got nothing to do with popularity. It's just part of who he is (he is toy crazy!). Try not to let this girl or her parents intimidate you. You do you and let them do them. As long as everyone is being kind there really is no right or wrong here. Just be yourself!

Agreed!

How do you know she is bringing puppies, bows and sunglasses to the gate if you don’t pick up as you’re working?

And raising confident girls puts them at risk of anorexia. I’ve heard it all now

@PixieLaLa

I think her main problem sis actually that she likes the boys' games more, says they are more fun

Why is that a problem?

I think what I say afterwards puts this into better context. I agree with my child that the boys game sound more fun. What happens then is that she spends time in the boy groups and when girls have their little group things / parties / play dates she isn't invited.

She's very much aware she is a girl though, and it seems she feels left out.

Girls' playground behaviour at this age is often very different to that of boys.

@Flowersinthefireplace

How do you know she is bringing puppies, bows and sunglasses to the gate if you don’t pick up as you’re working?

And raising confident girls puts them at risk of anorexia. I’ve heard it all now

I drop off a lot and have picked up too, more before during the various lockdowns.

thanks for your question

I agree with my child that the boys game sound more fun. What happens then is that she spends time in the boy groups and when girls have their little group things / parties / play dates she isn't invited.

She's very much aware she is a girl though, and it seems she feels left out.

tbf though if she spends all her time not playing with the girls then why would she be in their groups/invited to their parties etc?

@Reallyimeanreally2022

*Some of these messages are harsh. But I guess this is MN!*

In this case, the harsh responses are completely, totally and utterly warranted. n insight in to someone’s brain who is dogged in their determination to see shadows

Wish I understood what you were on about here.

Are you saying I'm seeing 'shadows'?!

I actually like this mum.nSo it makes sense to me that her child would also be nice and therefore popular. I ave also seen what I have perceived as a type of determination with the things I have mentioned, which makes me think they are purposeful. Had these thoughts, but they didn't;t crystallise until my partner put it into words. My initial thoughts were 'it's kind of ridiculous to do that', and on some level I still feel that. On the other hand, I wonder whether I am too nonchalant about the school gate and I should be doing more of that stuff! So I've come on here to ask. Some responses have been really useful. Some, I really don't understand.

No animals or children have been harmed in the posting of my messages!

Haaaa

@BananaPB

The Jojo bow craze started about 6 years ago when my dc was in primary. Is it still going ?

I've seen parents being puppies and new dogs to school. I assumed it was because the kids wanted to see them or they were going to take the dogs out on the way home?

I'm not sure why kids or other parents would be impressed by sunglasses. There was a boy in dc's class who had transitions lenses in his glasses which is unusual but he was popular anyway.

Saying that, of course some parents make an effort to boost their kids popularity but ime that ends by y1/2 ish where kids will like who they like and their mum's social engineering doesn't work as much. If you want your nursery/reception child invited places then being friends with the mum is often important. After that, it seems to be up to the kids. I'm not popular so my kids didn't get invites in nursery/reception but had plenty y1 upwards.

OK, that's interesting.

the puppies seem to be of interest. Why it looked like a purposeful thing to me was because they were driven to school gates. Let out. All children crowding round, put back in car, and then repeat the next day. It felty like they had been brought to school for her child to showcase. Which, I add again, might be very normal and ok to do in order to give your child something to show off about. I don't think showing off something is necessarily bad. Some parents on here have said they have made big efforts, others have said I'm jealous for even thinking it.

But it's been good to read a range of responses.

@shouldistop

And yeah, maybe parent popularity is more important at this young age. Unfortunately I work so my kids often go to after school club, no time for schmoozing and making a name for myself at the school gates I'm afraid!

And said with such an air of superiority too 😂

I was just being hyperbolic. I'll mute my language in future!!! has

@AFS1

Thank you for this message, this sounds just like my child. I really don't think it crosses her mind to be in a group. If you ask her who she'll play with today at school she'll say 'EVERYBODY!'

@traumatisednoodle

Have you invited them round for playmates? Relationships are reciprocal.

This.

We've decided we'll do this in case there are friendships being cemented outside of school and DD is missing out because we haven't really had playdates - largely because of lockdown.

But also, the school has a miniscule catchment area (about 0.1 miles) and we used to lice in it, but moved out during lockdown to somewhere with a garden. So we're a bit away from it all now, we used to walk home but now we drive etc, so I think I'll step up those efforts and organise a playdate or two over half term.

I don't think you sound jealous, but you do sound very competitive.

Thanks all for your messages!

@AryaStarkWolf

I agree with my child that the boys game sound more fun. What happens then is that she spends time in the boy groups and when girls have their little group things / parties / play dates she isn't invited.

She's very much aware she is a girl though, and it seems she feels left out.

tbf though if she spends all her time not playing with the girls then why would she be in their groups/invited to their parties etc?

Sounds more fun to your child and you But not to these girls And nothing wrong with that I hope you convey that message

Why would your daughter expect to be invited to a small party of the girls that enjoy the games your daughter doesn’t?

* Why it looked like a purposeful thing to me was because they were driven to school gates. Let out. All children crowding round, put back in car, and then repeat the next day.*
I love sound of this woman! What a sweet end of the school day treat for some of them

@bluebeck

I don't think you sound jealous, but you do sound very competitive.

Yes I think you are right there.

I don't feel competitive, as in wanting to be in front, but like many others I don't want to be behind of stuff. Of course, if I am behind on something that's not important I'm ok about it. I'm on here asking if this stuff is at all important. Some have said yes, more have said no. I feel good about that!

@Reallyimeanreally2022

* Why it looked like a purposeful thing to me was because they were driven to school gates. Let out. All children crowding round, put back in car, and then repeat the next day.* I love sound of this woman! What a sweet end of the school day treat for some of them

I think this too!

Re read your op

Do you think you come across as thinking the woman is lovely and doing something really sweet for the children…. As I do?

Because I have just received read it again, and I’m baffled you’re now saying that you think this too

You keep asking ‘should I do more of this?’. More of what? So far you’ve proffered that one woman brings puppies and her daughter wears sunglasses and hair bows. This is one of the baffling and batshit posts I’ve seen here!

I assume there are at least 29 other children in the class who don’t have puppies?

Also, yes you should try harder with play dates because at this age if you’re not sorting that then who is?

She puts bows in her daughters hair to make her more popular?

Wow. I’ve seen it all now.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Re read your op

Do you think you come across as thinking the woman is lovely and doing something really sweet for the children…. As I do?

Because I have just received read it again, and I’m baffled you’re now saying that you think this too

I did not write that, but I have now I haven't written all of my thoughts. I have written that I actually like her.

It's so funny that some people think one cannot hold opposing ideas at once. It is very possible for me to be able to think and alternatives.