AIBU - to think some parents TRY to make their children popular?

[Perfectlyadjusted]

I have a 6 year old daughter, and recently she was not invited to a party in a her class. My daughter is one of those children who plays with everyone, teacher says she is like that, always jumping according to which genes she finds most exciting, rather than hanging with one group. She's liked, yeah. But there is a group of girls with one particular popular girl who seems to be most liked. Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!

I mean, this stuff is cute, but can someone tell me is this what I should be doing?! AIBU to think this mum is going overboard? Or as I being just a ridiculously hard on myself for not putting huge effort into this stuff.

There is a small group of girls who have been invited to a party recently, and my daughter has not been invited. She doesn't;t seem too bothered, but I wonder whether I should be doing more to, you know, stoke up her popularity!

Am I overthinking?

Well my dd has big hair how can she not wear something in it? I had no concept that bows would be annoying parents! They all wear bows or something similar!

@Tabitha005

I think there are a lot of parents who act like their kid(s) very own PR agent and do nothing but bang on about how wonderful they are, utterly unmindful of the huge contradictions in what they perceive to be 'failings' in other peoples' children. For example, one mother waffling on about what a wonderful artist her son is, whilst simultaneously slagging off another mother for 'indulging' her kid's passion for art by paying for extra creative tutor time and 'neglecting' his academic subjects.

Likewise, parents who constantly go on about how 'beautiful' their offspring are as though that's some sort of either massive success on their part for having birthed something so marvellous to look at, or anything worthwhile at all - 'good looks' being entirely subjective.

I think this is true.

But also there the other parents who think say things like 'oh my gosh.....should I be doing what Xs mum does?' When Xs mum is probably just going about her own business. What this type of parent actually wants, is people to tell them how wonderful they are and how annoying and ridiculous Xs mum is.

Its sly playground shit, trying to get people to bitch about someone, without actually saying anyone yourself. And op is doing exactly that.

@RhiWrites

If I had a child I would definitely try to make them popular. That would include buying them the same branded stuff as everyone else, and hosting ‘cool’ parties. Ultimately though, it’s down to the charisma of the individual child.

Having cool stuff doesn't make you popular though. There's a boy in DS class who's 10 years old. He has the latest iphone, branded clothes, all the coolest toys but he's actually a horrible little brat who likes to bully little girls and boasts about all the stuff he's got. He has a mouth like a sewer and is a snitch to boot. He is most definitely not popular!

I've done these types of things when we moved to a new neighbourhood.

My goal was for my DC to make new friends and fit in. I worked full time so I didn't have a lot of time but I made any effort.

I hired the skating rink for a Halloween party.

Volunteered to help with their activities. Pizza after the game.
Volunteered for school dances.

Just a few things like that. It helped my DC build good social skills which have helped them a lot over the years. They're in their 30s now.

Be friendly and open to people. Don't be petty, jealous, cliquish.

@PinkSyCo

Erm yes you are definitely overthinking. Stop being so judgemental and go find something else to worry about.

Eeek.

Some of these messages are harsh. But I guess this is MN!

I wouldn't say I'm worried as such. Perhaps I would be if my child was lonely, or Billy no mates, she's not. I think her main problem sis actually that she likes the boys' games more, says they are more fun. This all really didn't cross my mind until a conversation with DH, and then I thought yes, maybe this is happening, and ooops, maybe it's normal and I should be doing more, so it's on me, do I need to change my game up.

Seems that is not the case, so I'll breathe a sigh of relief and go back to not giving any whites about the school gate!!!

And yeah, maybe parent popularity is more important at this young age. Unfortunately I work so my kids often go to after school club, no time for schmoozing and making a name for myself at the school gates I'm afraid!

Thanks all!

I won't lie, I do like to try and keep my kids looking trendy and having cool stuff. Rightly or wrongly, I remember what its like not to have the right trainers etc. I don't think it makes them more popular just helps them not stand out.
I do know what you mean by the bows and glasses etc, despite what the others say there are some kids that carry it off better then others and just always seem to look 'cool'. I think that's always going to be the case though into adult hood.

Yes this type of parent does exist, I’ve come across quite a few in my time. Impossible to know if this particular parent is like it or not, but it’s pretty common to be honest.

OP - I’ve had two daughter’s go through the same schools. One was literally pursued by a group of girls fighting over her; the other was a bit on the edge of things at times but found her feet eventually.

It had nothing to do with accessories , nor ‘schmoozing on the gates’ as you put it. Children are all different and that’s it. They are not an extension of you, so be careful about what you project. You sound a little bitter in your comment about mums “schmoozing at pick up.’ Maybe they’re just friendly? What would you prefer them all to do - stand in silence?

I don’t think bows are cool, though - rather the opposite. The coolest children are the ones not in branded stuff, surely.

My kids wouldn’t have been allowed into the school with loads of bows in their hair and sunglasses! This kind of thing just wouldn’t occur to anyone.

Some of these messages are harsh. But I guess this is MN!

In this case, the harsh responses are completely, totally and utterly warranted. n insight in to someone’s brain who is dogged in their determination to see shadows

Honestly at that age, invites to playdates and parties are nothing to do with the child's popularity but the popularity of the mum with the other mums

Careful not to make a big deal of your perception to your daughter. You don't want her measuring her happiness by her popularly. Particularly when she seems to be doing fine

It's all in the mums and the manners I think. My kid gets invited to most things, her best friend barely gets invited to anything.
Its a shame as her best mate is a lovely kid, just her mum comes off very aloof and disinterested (she's lovely once you get to know her).
I know my dd is often invited back because she's very well behaved in other people's houses- pleases and thank yous, would never be too noisy or tease their dog etc etc.
Reciprocation is huge too.

My kid gets invited to most things, her best friend barely gets invited to anything
Its a shame as her best mate is a lovely kid, just her mum comes off very aloof and disinterested (she's lovely once you get to know her

This sounds like me! My DC is popular but rarely invited to things...lots of the other mums think I'm horrible...I'm just a bit shy at first!

But yes, people tend to invite the kids of the mums they get on with

And yeah, maybe parent popularity is more important at this young age. Unfortunately I work so my kids often go to after school club, no time for schmoozing and making a name for myself at the school gates I'm afraid!

And said with such an air of superiority too 😂

It’s all utterly pointless when they become teens - it is what it is. The sweetest easy going girl becomes a glowering goth and the popular picked for everything girl at primary sinks without trace into utter normality!

@beigebrownblue

There is sometimes compentiion amongst parents, I've seen it but I don't think this comes under that heading.

The most important thing to do as far as relating to the other parents is concerned is to make sure it is give and take.

i.e if they go on sleepover one time
make sure that you offer back on a different occasion.

and so on.
hope that's a help?

I saw this when my daughter was little and at primary school. Queen Bee and her husband in the village etc very very well off and flaunt it - extension. New kitchen etc beautiful sofas next year up for sale on Facebook on to the next thing ? Wtf? Constant preening her daughter, hair, nails, eye lashes etc and the pressure for daughter to have high grades

I suspect what is behind your post, OP, is guilt about not being able to be at the school gate? Maybe spend time unpicking that.

@Porfre

I tried to help my daughter along.

I did a birthday party and tried to invite as many kids as possible.

Also give her snacks to take to school that she can share with others. Not sure if it helps much but she likes sharing.

@Porfre I really don’t think you should be sending snacks in for your DD to give out ! I would take exception to this and tell you not to give extra snacks to my child! There could be food allergies or anything else at play which you wouldn’t be aware of.

I work FT, but did make sure I was at the gate (and went to the park) at least once a week.
Rome wasn't built in a day, I remember marvelling at more experienced together mums when I had a 6 &3 year old.
If you want to be part of school life (and that probrably does mean more invites) then make sure you are absolutely on it with Harvest Festival, Halloween disco, Christmas party, Carol service, world book day etc. Make sure your LO has the requisite costume/ harvest gift/ contribution. Be visible, be on time, be engaged also be prepared to roll your sleeves up and set up the grotto or clear up afterwards. Yes little girls will want to play with those with shiny hair, no nits and matching hair grips. When mine started school I was surprised how much there was to it.

A packet of ice lollies at pick up on a hot July day goes down well too.

The Jojo bow craze started about 6 years ago when my dc was in primary. Is it still going ?

I've seen parents being puppies and new dogs to school. I assumed it was because the kids wanted to see them or they were going to take the dogs out on the way home?

I'm not sure why kids or other parents would be impressed by sunglasses. There was a boy in dc's class who had transitions lenses in his glasses which is unusual but he was popular anyway.

Saying that, of course some parents make an effort to boost their kids popularity but ime that ends by y1/2 ish where kids will like who they like and their mum's social engineering doesn't work as much. If you want your nursery/reception child invited places then being friends with the mum is often important. After that, it seems to be up to the kids. I'm not popular so my kids didn't get invites in nursery/reception but had plenty y1 upwards.

Bows and puppies would definitely do the job on me, but I'm very fickle (and left school in 1988)

@AFS1

Your daughter sounds a bit like mine. Mine was well-liked within her class but never settled in an established friendship group - she flitted around the periphery of different groups. It meant that if there was a party with limited numbers she would often be overlooked. She never had a “best friend” at primary school. Most of the time it suited her very well, although there were times when she was upset if she wasn’t invited.

I did used to beat myself up. Because I work full-time, I couldn’t arrange afterschool play dates to help promote friendships and I wondered if that had an impact. I never thought that bows or sunglasses would make a difference, though..!

What you’ve described about this mother wouldn’t add to a child’s popularity. Some kids are just popular. Others aren’t. As long as your child is happy, then don’t worry too much.

Same.

It's upsetting though!