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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to think some parents TRY to make their children popular?

127 replies

Perfectlyadjusted · 18/10/2021 12:16

I have a 6 year old daughter, and recently she was not invited to a party in a her class. My daughter is one of those children who plays with everyone, teacher says she is like that, always jumping according to which genes she finds most exciting, rather than hanging with one group. She's liked, yeah. But there is a group of girls with one particular popular girl who seems to be most liked. Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!

I mean, this stuff is cute, but can someone tell me is this what I should be doing?! AIBU to think this mum is going overboard? Or as I being just a ridiculously hard on myself for not putting huge effort into this stuff.

There is a small group of girls who have been invited to a party recently, and my daughter has not been invited. She doesn't;t seem too bothered, but I wonder whether I should be doing more to, you know, stoke up her popularity!

Am I overthinking?

OP posts:

RealBecca · 18/10/2021 13:20

And sorry to be trite but the other girls popularity takes nothing away from your daughter who sounds happy and secure.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 18/10/2021 13:23

* Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!*

You sound a bit unhinged Op

Marvellousmadness · 18/10/2021 13:30

You sound jealous.
Your dd sounds fab

Leave it /her/everything be
Sometimes she will get invited. Sometimes she doesn't. C'est la vie.

Laiste · 18/10/2021 13:31

If it was a whole class party with just your DD left out then you would have cause to be upset for her. If not - well it's just the few that got chosen by the birthday child on the day.

The popularity of one child is not going to negatively impact the popularity of another UNLESS that child is actively seeking to bully/drive away other children of course. That isn't what you've described here.

shouldistop · 18/10/2021 13:36

always jumping according to which genes she finds most exciting, rather than hanging with one group

???
Is genes, group? If so, it sounds like your daughter repeatedly moves on from friends to someone new?

Honestly, you sound massively over invested in this. Lots of little girls wear bows, presumably the mum is walking the puppy to school run and why on earth would sunglasses make a wee girl popular? They're probably to protect her eyes from sunlight which can be pretty bright and low in the autumn

TopCatsTopHat · 18/10/2021 13:36

The sun is lower in the autumn/spring, more likely to get in your eyes than summer in some ways.
Think you're over-thinking OP. You do see some parents getting a bit competitive over daft stuff, but best not to get sucked into it really. Just carry on it'll all be neither here nor there when the kids start getting more say in who they like to spend time with.

Blanca87 · 18/10/2021 13:37

This thread is the most embarrassing thing I have read on here. Jesus Christ.

shouldistop · 18/10/2021 13:38

Also if it's a small group of girls who were invited then the girl probably just invited her closest friends and by your own admission your daughter jumps to whoever she thinks is most exciting rather than forming proper friendships.
I wouldn't be thinking about this other mum, perhaps invite some classmates for play dates so your daughter can solidify friendships

Summersnake · 18/10/2021 13:42

From my experience of having 4 kids
At age 6 the parents influence the party invites a lot ,in a small group of kids who all went to playgroup together,then school together,hang out together at weekend,the mums are friends so the kids are too.
Well that was our experience anyway .a lot of the parents were on the PTA and hung out together a lot ,inviting each other’s kids to most parties and one or 2 others .
I’m not very social,so mine did miss out a bit ,it turns out mine were not very social either ,and often turned down party invitations anyway .
Seriously op ,don’t sweat it x

CuckooCall · 18/10/2021 13:49

TBF this mother doesn't sound like she's actually doing anything to make her child popular. She sounds like a million other mum's out there who are just doing their own thing.

You can't make your dd popular by doing anything in particular other than trying to produce well rounded individuals, and even then it's hit and miss. Children don't value other children because of their pets, their hair accessories or anything else. They like other children because they're fun, or they're clever, or they're good at sports, or because they're silly, or because they're quiet, or because they're loud, or because of a million other reasons. Also, if your dc is already well liked then why does she need to be even more popular? Do you want her to be THE most popular in the class? Or is it simply because you think she should be invited to every party? Either way, she sounds like she's doing fine on her own and doesn't need you tampering with her friendships.

CuckooCall · 18/10/2021 13:51

*mums

Tabitha005 · 18/10/2021 13:55

I think there are a lot of parents who act like their kid(s) very own PR agent and do nothing but bang on about how wonderful they are, utterly unmindful of the huge contradictions in what they perceive to be 'failings' in other peoples' children. For example, one mother waffling on about what a wonderful artist her son is, whilst simultaneously slagging off another mother for 'indulging' her kid's passion for art by paying for extra creative tutor time and 'neglecting' his academic subjects.

Likewise, parents who constantly go on about how 'beautiful' their offspring are as though that's some sort of either massive success on their part for having birthed something so marvellous to look at, or anything worthwhile at all - 'good looks' being entirely subjective.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 13:55

Yeah put 12 bows in your daughters hair and buy her a pappy. That ought to do it

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 13:56

Puppy even !

Honestly do people actually sit there thinking up how to make their children popular?? Its very odd and a bit sad.

Laiste · 18/10/2021 13:57

@Summersnake

From my experience of having 4 kids At age 6 the parents influence the party invites a lot ,in a small group of kids who all went to playgroup together,then school together,hang out together at weekend,the mums are friends so the kids are too. Well that was our experience anyway .a lot of the parents were on the PTA and hung out together a lot ,inviting each other’s kids to most parties and one or 2 others . I’m not very social,so mine did miss out a bit ,it turns out mine were not very social either ,and often turned down party invitations anyway . Seriously op ,don’t sweat it x

This is true. 4 DCs here too

When they're young you do tend to arrange out of school activities more with your DCs friends who have easy going/easy to contact parents.

Angrynellie · 18/10/2021 13:58

I think you’re really over thinking this, bows, sunglasses and puppies do not equal popularity. It’s likely that the parent has dictated who comes to the party. You can’t be offended if your DD doesn’t get invited to all the parties, that’s just the way it is. I recommend you don’t give this any head space (or mention it at school as it comes across a bit like you are jealous).

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 18/10/2021 13:59

If your DD isn't bothered about this party then I don't understand why you are. Just forget about it. She sounds very happy. I'd just leave her alone to get on with it.

QueenBee52 · 18/10/2021 13:59

whats the dancer lass's name with all the huge bows in her hair .. she's a young adult now... her hairline was damages by the tight ponytails I think...

Porfre · 18/10/2021 14:02

I tried to help my daughter along.

I did a birthday party and tried to invite as many kids as possible.

Also give her snacks to take to school that she can share with others. Not sure if it helps much but she likes sharing.

Confiscatedpopit · 18/10/2021 14:03

I wouldn’t have a clue if my daughter is popular or not. I think I was perceived to be at secondary but my ‘friends’ were extremely unpleasant on the whole. I moved to a sixth form college and remember thinking I’d be happier if I didn’t make a single friend- as long as I was away from that lot and had a bit of peace and quiet. The best thing was I met some terrific friends- all very different but great fun and kind.

I teach and don’t have a clue who the ‘popular’ kids are.

Quite simply it’s not on my radar…. So this whole post is just alien to me. There are a million things to want for your children rather than this in my eyes. If she has a few good pals then who cares?

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 14:06

There are definitely parents who try and make their child popular - there’s trying to help them make friends and then there’s just being cringey.

I wouldn’t say what you’ve described is one of those parents though and if your DD already has friends don’t try and force or persuade others to be her friend as it often has the opposite affect.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 18/10/2021 14:10

The kind of Mum you're SUGGESTING absolutely does exist. I know one who takes her 11 year old DD shopping every few weeks to buy her the latest fashion. This is pushed by the Mum to ensure her DD looks the part so more people will want to be her friend. She also planned a whole party on the basis of "if I plan it like this, more kids will think she's the coolest in her year". I was pretty surprised when the Mum explained this, but anyway.

Your example doesn't necessarily sound like this, but they are out there

Maxstrong · 18/10/2021 14:11

I think the way you are talking about the other girl and her mum is mean. They like bows and puppies. So what?

Summerdayshaze · 18/10/2021 14:15

Good god, have a word with yourself.

RhiWrites · 18/10/2021 14:17

If I had a child I would definitely try to make them popular. That would include buying them the same branded stuff as everyone else, and hosting ‘cool’ parties. Ultimately though, it’s down to the charisma of the individual child.

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