AIBU - to think some parents TRY to make their children popular?

[Perfectlyadjusted]

I have a 6 year old daughter, and recently she was not invited to a party in a her class. My daughter is one of those children who plays with everyone, teacher says she is like that, always jumping according to which genes she finds most exciting, rather than hanging with one group. She's liked, yeah. But there is a group of girls with one particular popular girl who seems to be most liked. Her mum seems to make overt attempts to buttress (create?) this popularity, like bringing her little puppies to the school gate, ;lots of bows etc in her hair, giving her daughter sunglasses to wear even in Autumn term!

I mean, this stuff is cute, but can someone tell me is this what I should be doing?! AIBU to think this mum is going overboard? Or as I being just a ridiculously hard on myself for not putting huge effort into this stuff.

There is a small group of girls who have been invited to a party recently, and my daughter has not been invited. She doesn't;t seem too bothered, but I wonder whether I should be doing more to, you know, stoke up her popularity!

Am I overthinking?

@Comedycook

My kid gets invited to most things, her best friend barely gets invited to anything Its a shame as her best mate is a lovely kid, just her mum comes off very aloof and disinterested (she's lovely once you get to know her

This sounds like me! My DC is popular but rarely invited to things...lots of the other mums think I'm horrible...I'm just a bit shy at first!

But yes, people tend to invite the kids of the mums they get on with

How do you know the other Mums think this about you?

How do you know the other Mums think this about you?

Because my popular dd wasn't invited to a party for about five years! They also blank me if I do say good morning

Comedy cook have you helped at fairs, fetes and fundraisers ? Do you go to the park with the others after school ? Attend asembilies/sports day ?

Have you invited them round for playmates? Relationships are reciprocal.

Bows & puppies & sunglasses sound like the sort of things that little girls would want to wear or show off of their own accord because they like them and are quite harmlessly excited without parents
forcing it tbh. She might have noticed it gets her attention but unless the little girl and/or her mum is using it to purposely bully or exclude, she'll with grow out of it or the kids will be less wow-able/more used to it or more into their own things in a few years time.

At that age the most popular girl in my year at school was pretty rich and had lots of stuff- but was also fun and outgoing. This stayed the same throughout juniors into seniors- because she was fun. Another child who was always trying to show off stuff or later buy friends with stuff was always unpopular- because she was unpleasant and a serial liar, copier and test cheat along with it.

And yes when they're little no matter what happens on the playground some mummies go beyond being normally friendly as some describe above and get bumlicky, cliquey or overly invested in going to a party. Someone in my yr had mum who admitted she was v pleased her dd was in with the in crowd and had really encouraged/engineered it. They didn't talk past yr 11. My mum had a lovely mum friend at my school, great lady, they're still close- despite another lady being nice to my mum 1-2-1 but trying to make sure she didn't get close to the first lady and leaving mum out.

Also being pals with all and besties with none will curtail invites as parties shrink, ime. As long as your Dd is happy, that's what matters.

@Comedycook, maybe they're just bloody unfriendly, it probably isn't you!

[quote coffeeisthebest]@Comedycook, maybe they're just bloody unfriendly, it probably isn't you![/quote]
They're very cliquey...you're either their bff or shit on their shoe...there's no middle ground.

@traumatisednoodle

Comedy cook have you helped at fairs, fetes and fundraisers ? Do you go to the park with the others after school ? Attend asembilies/sports day ?

Yeah all that. They are just really ott friendly with each other...it's a horrible cliquey nasty vibe. I can't wait to escape. Luckily my dd has a couple of good friends and their mums are lovely and friendly to me

You think this mum is going out of her way to provide her child with hair accessories and sunglasses because that will make her (six year old) child popular?

My dd is six. Sometimes wears bows. Is very popular because she’s a clown and will just go up to people and say hello what’s your name can I play let’s be friends. My 10yo dd also wore hair bows sometimes. Does have friends but was a bit less popular because she is a bit more shy. More likely to stand next to me or DH and wait for someone like dd6 to come up to her and say hello than to muscle into a game.

I think it’s a bit odd that you’re keeping popularity tabs on a six year old you aren’t even related to and accusing her mother of buying her child things to make her popular. I mean why are you invested? Your child has friends to play with and is happy. One of my boys had an awful time at school in reception and year 1 because he had nobody to play with, that was actually upsetting.

Never mind, just read your update. Clearly this is more about your ideas about the mums ‘making a name for themselves’ and ‘schmoozing’ than anything else. Maybe they chat to people at the school gates because they are lonely/don’t see many people. Maybe they buy sunglasses and bows for their child because they like them. Maybe they bring their puppy for a walk because it can’t be left alone.

Funny that you are too busy for schmoozing but not too busy to keep an eye on other mums schmoozing and how they are advancing their children’s popularity.

Do you ever host playdates , arrange outings to the park etc? That's how children from stronger bonds and relationships with peers and how little groups are formed. It has nothing to do with bows, puppies or sunglasses.

Of course these mums exist OP, there are characters based on them in lots of TV shows, eg. Amanda from motherland. Think you’ve hit a nerve with people here. I was too busy to take part when the kids were younger and found it all very dull. It annoys me that it’s still women expected to do all this whilst dads out at work having a career and life for himself. Is dad thinking about who needs to be invited for tea/Halloween/ice skating?

@FreeBritnee

Bows and puppies you say?! 😎😎

@traumatisednoodle

Comedy cook have you helped at fairs, fetes and fundraisers ? Do you go to the park with the others after school ? Attend asembilies/sports day ?

I do absolutely none of this

Never have I felt excluded or judged
Never have I judged a mother for making much more of an effort than me
Never have I thought my child has been excluded. Have they been invited to everything? No. Do I accept that’s because children have different friends / different types of parties / are often very fickle? Yes

@Britneyb

Of course these mums exist OP, there are characters based on them in lots of TV shows, eg. Amanda from motherland. Think you’ve hit a nerve with people here. I was too busy to take part when the kids were younger and found it all very dull. It annoys me that it’s still women expected to do all this whilst dads out at work having a career and life for himself. Is dad thinking about who needs to be invited for tea/Halloween/ice skating?

It's not about expectations, of you care enough you must put some effort in. My friend always moans her eldest has no friends, is rarely invited to anything and the mums are all awful bitches, but she never does playdates or facilitates any outside of school contact and moans when her DD is invited somewhere and even says no(because the mums are awful and never invite her anywhere).

Maybe her child just likes those things. IMO the popularity has alot to do with confidence or assertiveness of the child, their sociability and also the networking of the parents. Things- such as puppies or hair accessories wouldn’t make much difference.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

This is my youngest DDS class so I'm not new to the school run and mums.. my dds class parents have a really cliquey nasty vibe that I never encountered with my eldests class. I don't expect my DC to be invited to everything but I do think it's odd that in five years, she hasn't received a single invite to anything despite being popular and having plenty of friends. However, I know lots of these kids who actually aren't great friends but they're parents are so they always go to each others parties

Having cool stuff doesn't make you popular though

Maybe not @hangrylady but I tried it the other way and always having the wrong clothes definitely contributed to my lack of popularity. As did not knowing the rules of any sport - so I’m going to add that to the popularity coaching plan.

Do you have too much time on your hands? I wouldn’t even notice or connect those things to creating popularity? You’ve an odd view.

Some of these posts are crazy.
My DD2 (6) is really popular. Wherever we go people stop and talk to her. She’s invited to a party most weekends. DH does school drop offs and pick ups… pretty sure he’s not taking puppies and ice lollies and JoJo bows. As far as I know she’s popular because she’s funny and outgoing and kind and always tries to include other kids in her games.
DD1 has a lovely group of friends but is far quieter and more reserved so I wouldn’t say she’s ‘popular’.

You are massively overthinking this. Massively.

People have limited budgets and sometimes have to limit numbers on parties.

Its got nothing to do with hairbows and puppies.

@RhiWrites

Having cool stuff doesn't make you popular though

Maybe not @hangrylady but I tried it the other way and always having the wrong clothes definitely contributed to my lack of popularity. As did not knowing the rules of any sport - so I’m going to add that to the popularity coaching plan.

I get it, I didn't have the coolest stuff either. I make sure my kids are dressed decently and have suggested to my DS on occasion that perhaps sandals and socks aren't a good luck (he gives no shits)! but they certainly don't have the most expensive of everything, just enough to not make them look 'uncool'.

Bows and sunglases can be bought in the pound shop

Sunglasses and bows make you popular where you live OP? Really? Who gives a crap about these things?

I think you're over thinking.

When you ask a 6 year old 'what makes you want to play with Emily' they dont say 'because she wears sunglasses in the autumn' or 'because she has amazing hair'. This stuff might catch attention for a few minutes but I think most 6year olds would respond because they are fun or like the same games et