Are you responsible for having your husband's work clothes ready and get told off if he can't find stuff ??

[fussytodd]

I'm guessing a lot of people will say NO.

It's really grating on me.

I can sort of get how people fall into patterns of behaviour that mimic what has been modelled to them in their own families.

Have you tried having a calm discussion about how it is clearly unreasonable to hold you responsible for his domestic chores? It is pretty hard for a decent human to argue this is your responsibility in any way.

i hand washed my partners shirts in the tub because hes horribly allergic to laundry soap and the washing machine was broken. that was a one off though and he does alot more housework than me.

@FinallyHere

gets really grumpy and has a go at me at 5 am and wakes me from my sleep and makes me feel like shit, if he can't find a clean shirt or socks.

This is really not OK. He is literally training you to modify your behaviour to service him by making your life miserable if you don't.

This will continue as long as you stay with him. What does he do for you?

What other options can you make for yourself ? Do you earn enough to support yourself ? You always have choices.

Yeah that's right. It works too. Whenever he has a go at me like that, I make more effort. He always apologises afterwards and says he's so sorry and was just tired. But I hate it so much when it happens, that I ' do better ' for a while after. It's shit.

"when I was a keen young wife 30 years ago and made my first attempt at ironing a shirt, DH (very politely) told me I hadn't got the sleeve creases right. I haven't ironed another shirt since."

This! Exactly what happened in my (ex-) marriage. Did them himself for ever after. They really are stupid sods, aren't they??

Nope

It might be quite the shock for you, and pretty unwelcome information, but we really do consider this kind of treatment abusive nowadays. Probably not the sort of feedback you were expecting and quite a lot to take in.

Abuse is not just being beaten up.

Some resources which might be helpful in getting your head around this are

https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

this all comes with a friendly warning to remove any evidence from your devices that you are consulting g this kind of information. It can be very dangerous when an abuser first discovers that your mind is opening to what might be going on here.

You are an adult who deserves to be treated with respect. Not woken at 5am about something something that is not your responsibility.

Your reaction demonstrates one reason why he might do that. Your first reaction is to pull up your socks snd try harder.

This is no way to live. Good luck.

@fussytodd

It's very frustrating. I'm just at home more, because I work from home and he has a very hectic schedule outside of the home, so he comes home and just crashes.

Too hectic a schedule to sort his own work clothes & laundry?

So what if you are at home more? You are there to WFH, not take responsibility for another adult's clothing.

How have you let it come to this - that he actually scolds you if he has not got work clothes ready? Does he think you are his valet?

I think you need to tell him very clearly that this is the last time he ever tells you off about his clothes, because you have resigned your unwelcome post of Work Clothes Monitor, so he can start taking care of it himself.
And that you don't want to hear one more word about it.

@SpinsForGin

I usually get his stuff ready just because I find it easier. Also because, although he wouldn't wake me up he'd make some pointed remark if he couldn't find something. I only work part time though and he's full time. It was more evenly split when we both worked full time

How is that easier for you? It easier for him but certainly not for you!
And what has working part time got to do with it?

It's easier because if I'm sorting out washing /ironing it's no more work to put it out for him than to put it in a drawer. It's easier because then we don't waste time having a row. It's easier because I'm at home more than him and have more time to ge his clothes ready.

I do because I don’t work. I’ve got to sort out school uniform in Sundayvso it would be childish not to do his stuff too. If I worked then no I wouldn’t see it as my job. Equally in the summer I spend a lot of weekends on my own and usually don’t come back until Tuesday so obviously he does it then. It’s about give and take.

It's easier because then we don't waste time having a row.

Not getting your husband's clothes ready would cause an argument? That is not a healthy relationship. In fact, I would suggest that is an abusive relationship.

It's easier because I'm at home more than him and have more time to ge his clothes ready.

He's an adult! It doesn't matter if you're at home all the time!!! Do you have to remind him to brush his teeth or brush his hair? How does he cope at work if he's not capable of getting dressed by himself?

My 6 year old sounds more capable than your husband.

@Cheeseplantboots

I do because I don’t work. I’ve got to sort out school uniform in Sundayvso it would be childish not to do his stuff too. If I worked then no I wouldn’t see it as my job. Equally in the summer I spend a lot of weekends on my own and usually don’t come back until Tuesday so obviously he does it then. It’s about give and take.

Sorting out uniforms for young children is not the same as putting clothes out for grown men!!

I'm genuinely shocked that women actually do this. Surely all sexual attraction goes out of the window once you realise your husband expects this of you.

I don't think it's childish not to put your husband's clothes out. If I'm sorting out the washing, I put each person's clothes in a pile in their room, and then it is up to them to put it away and take it out when they want to wear it.

I also find it extraordinary all the people taking responsibility for their husband's clothes. My youngest DD who is 9 is capable of sorting out her own clothes to wear each morning so why aren't grown men? It's irrespective of who works where when.

There’s nothing childish about getting out your dc clothes and not your husbands. It literally wouldn't cross my mind. I’ve just folded washing and I will take the dcs pile and put it away with them helping. When they are a little older they will do their own just like dh always has, because who puts away washing for another adult?? Unless they are disabled, seriously.

oooh, no, hell no.

I mean, i had an abusive shit head for an ExH, and even he never used to make me sort his work gear out.

@Cheeseplantboots of course it's not childish.

Putting out someone's clothes for them oversteps into arse wiping territory. There are some things which when you get to a certain age you should just do for yourself.

I only ‘sort’ insofar as DH’s work stuff gets washed and ironed with the rest of the laundry. Either DH or I tackle the ironing depending on who is home and has time. I’d never lay his clothes out for him though or be expected to know where his stuff is.

Sorry OP but I agree this is abusive behaviour if he is waking you up to demand you find things for him.

Can’t he get his stuff ready the night before like the majority of functioning adults try to do?

[quote Henrywilldoit]@Cheeseplantboots of course it's not childish.

Putting out someone's clothes for them oversteps into arse wiping territory. There are some things which when you get to a certain age you should just do for yourself.

[/quote]
My husband goes out to work 7 days a week, does all the garden stuff, decorating etc. The least I can do is the washing, it would be childish to wash everyone else’s clothes and leave his. I don’t “put them out for him”, I just wash them and put them in the drawer!

@Cheeseplantboots I thought that this thread was about putting clothes out not doing the laundry.

If that's what you meant that I have misunderstood you. I'm not referring to leaving out someone's laundry when you put a wash on.

The op was talking about laying out her dhs clothes and him waking her up if he can't find his things.

Haha no.

But my DP is responsible for the washing and with only 4 clothing garments that currently fit my pregnant body I am constantly frustrated getting up in the morning to see he’s taken my maternity stuff I was planning to wear in the fucking wash when I have to do a nursery run or go into office. Absolutely infuriating and every time I ask him to not put my clothes from ‘the chair’ (dedicated ‘worn but not worthy of going back in the wardrobe’ chair) - he claims that he can’t help but tidy up. AGH.

Are you his partner or his Mummy?

Seriously, stop putting up with this crap. Stop apologising and stop trying to 'do better'. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

And do not ever have children with this man.

The most I do for DH is make sure I am not using the washing machine when he gets back from working away.

He then shoves whatever he knows he needs for the following week through the machine/s and repacks his work bag.

If I end up with a part wash I will add anything he has left to wash to a load I am doing, he does the same.

If he woke me at 5am to ask where anything was I'd not be too polite. The cup of coffee in bed at about 5.30am is gratefully received though

No, I’m not his mother, and he’s not a child.
He sounds horrible.

Ffs. My dh would wake me once at 5am and it would never happen again. You need to go full ape shit the next time that happens. Do you find this behaviour attractive? How does he manage at work if he cant sort out his clothes!

Let him go to work half dressed, dirty, or in PJs. He'll soon learn.
I can't quite believe that people live like this. I do well if I decide what to wear the night before, and if I don't have it organised, y'know, THAT'S MY OWN FAULT. That's because I'm a grown up, and if I don't have clean pants, that's my look out.
I think you need to stop babying him. If he has a poor reaction to this, then I think you need a bigger discussion.