If one person in the house is on a particular diet, should everyone else be on it too?

[Margotshypotheticaldog]

It's for health reasons, this person is overweight and sedentary. They currently do none of the cooking or shopping. They can't have takeaways, sweets, chocolates etc. We're not a very sweet tooth house but do get takeaway occasionally. Dinners cooked 6 days a week from scratch reasonably healthy, meat, fish veg etc. If this person now wants to go on a specialist diet, should they source and cook for themselves or do I have to do it basically?? (I'm refusing. That's the Aibu)

If you're happy doing all of the cooking (as long as it's to your plan), could you make him half portions and serve them with salad in a bag?
I think that would be a reasonable compromise, as it doesn't involve much more work and helps him with his goals.

It depends on how much he is doing to help himself with his own goals. If he cut out his drinking and started an exercise programme, and stopped snacking, I'd support him 100%. If he's doing none of those, then it's all his choice.

Especially since OP seems to be providing a good and healthy range of food anyway.

As for what he wants me to cook, he was googling, read out a list. I wasn't listening so I don't know what was on it. Deffo oily fish. I said "I already make that" and walked away

He's trying not to die (which is the result of being overweight and sedentary) and trying to think of ways to do this. The above sounds like you don't care, aren't listening and don't even want to support him.

It's probably years of being ground down. But if he's making you into an arsehole, because he's one, you do need to end it or change things.

Fucking hell, set yourself free from this misery. Why are you doing this to yourself? Life really really doesn't have to be this way, married to a last, sexist twat you don't even respect. Fuck that. What a waste of a life.

@MrsTerryPratchett

As for what he wants me to cook, he was googling, read out a list. I wasn't listening so I don't know what was on it. Deffo oily fish. I said "I already make that" and walked away

He's trying not to die (which is the result of being overweight and sedentary) and trying to think of ways to do this. The above sounds like you don't care, aren't listening and don't even want to support him.

It's probably years of being ground down. But if he's making you into an arsehole, because he's one, you do need to end it or change things.

Yes, this.

I just asked my DH if, should I wish to lose weight (which I do need to do ideally) and wanted to follow a healthy eating/weight loss diet, would he expect me to cook myself separate meals, and he looked confused and said, "how would that be supporting you?"

That's the big issue. You don't have any care or consideration for him. This may well be justified based on his behaviour over the years, but it signifies a broken relationship. Someone who loved their partner would want to help and support them to lose weight. I think its time to move on, it can't be pleasant living with someone you have no love for.

I had to go on a severely restricted diet for some of this year and my boyfriend helped me meal plan, ate what I ate and supported me in that pretty shitty time.

I'd do the same for him for whatever dietary changes he wanted to make. But then we seem to fundamentally like each other and it doesn't sound like you do like your DH.

I think the problem here is that your OH is a lazy arse who never cooks, you should have addressed this before. Personally I would try and change my diet to help a family member who's trying to lose weight. However I wouldnt accept being expected to cook all the meals, even if I didn't work I'd still expect my partner to do it some of the time.

You don’t want to support him because you don’t like him. In which case maybe it’s best to start looking at your future rather than using this as a reason to increase resentment.

There are small changes you can make. Steamed fish and veg is far nicer than boiled/baked anyway, don’t add salt to food, if people want it seasoned they can do it at the table. That is the kind of thing which can make a difference to blood pressure and which is better for all of you anyway.

But if you don’t want to go there then you need to ask yourself what you want from life.

If one person does all the household shopping and the items are available at the supermarket then refusing seems churlish, just pick them up as part of the shop.

However, they cannot impose the diet on the household.

When it comes to takeaways etc fine to still have them but obvs not to rub it in their face, if they find it v difficult poss agree coping method eg forewarn so they can make themselves scarce if it is too hard for them to be around it.

Not your responsibility but if this is someone you love and they are going to make a go of it then I would support them where possible.

But if he's making you into an arsehole, because he's one, you do need to end it or change things.
This is actually exactly why I posted. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't just restoring the balance, or ensuring that I wasn't being taken advantage of. For the first time, I actually felt like maybe I was being a spiteful asshole. So that's not great.
I really don't want to be a spiteful asshole.

But if I give an inch he will take a mile. That's how it has always been. He is spoilt and selfish and entitled in every way and I don't believe he will ever change.
I started this thread because of some steamed fish. But it's not really the fishes fault 😔

I think you need to look at what is an objectively fair compromise.

He should cook his preferred food for everyone for half the week (3-4 nights). If he did this, you would presumably be much more willing to make changes to the food which you cook.

If he's not willing to do this, honestly I'd stop cooking for him altogether and tell him to sort himself out with healthy food.

That's assuming either there's something left here to be saved or, for some reason which only you know, it's not yet the right time to press the EXIT button on the relationship.

Well aside from the fact that you hate him and probably for good reason. I do always think it's important to support people with diets especially if it is to lose weight. People are dismissing this as if it's not important but to me this is a serious health concern and I would be busy getting involved. Especially if this were an overweight person. You say he needs to exercise more and drink less but there's real truth in the saying that you can't exercise your way out of a bad diet. His Weight will be alot more to his food intake and drinking than his sedentary lifestyle. Is he looking at low carbing? I have no idea what your idea of healthy meals are so I can't comment on whether it is reasonable. But no you can't do it for him, he needs to get involved of he wants to keep the weight off

I started this thread because of some steamed fish. But it's not really the fishes fault

It's never about the fish [flower]

What you need to do is work out if good boundaries are too exhausting to maintain for the relationship. I was always angry when I was married to exH. Always. It wasn't me and when I left I wasn't angry. Almost immediately.

It’s not about fish

You and your children deserve so much better. You could be happy. You really could. It’ll take change but it’s absolutely possible.

Defo not about the fish, that can be solved with a microwave, nobody who has a job and life steams fish.

No bollocks to that!

DS was 15 when he decided he was vegetarian, and 16 when he decided to be vegan.

We discussed food and there were some meals I could make easily that were vegan anyway. The rest he had to cook himself. He is now a fabulous cook (and is no longer vegetarian or vegan) so I reap the benefits.

Maybe if DH got off his arse and made his own food he could cook for all of you sometimes too OP? How would that go down?

I don't think you can compare a vegan/vegetarian diet with needing to lose weight because you are overweight with cardiovascular disease. If you had a good relationship and he treated you well, you would do all you can to help him with his health issues.

I couldn't live with someone that I had to constantly be on my guard with or they'd trample over every boundary. This is too sad a way to live and life is too short.
If you are going to stay I'd tell your h that he has to make some effort here and cook for the family a couple of times per week or do the shopping/clean up the kitchen/basically pull his weight at home if he wants any extra accommodation from you. I certainly wouldn't change anything I'm doing unless he stopped being such a lazy arse.
I don't think you owe support to someone who gives you none.

@Margotshypotheticaldog

But if I give an inch he will take a mile. That's how it has always been. He is spoilt and selfish and entitled in every way and I don't believe he will ever change. I started this thread because of some steamed fish. But it's not really the fishes fault 😔

I tell you what...

It's time you stopped worrying about cooking fish, time you chucked the fish you have back in, it's turned out rotten, catch another... or stop angling altogether, live a happy and single life with kids and a dog.
I stopped chucking my bait out years ago, all I ever caught were cock headed fart weasels..

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett. It does sound like you are miserable and there is a long history of you being treated unfairly. But if he is turning you into someone you don’t like then maybe it’s time to leave. My ex was abusive and unkind and by the end of our relationship I didn’t like who I was when I was around him. I am generally a kind person but I was bitter, angry and resentful with him because of the way I was treated. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. When someone brings out the worst in you then the relationship is buggered in my opinion

He can still be a good enough Dad if you split. Don't let your DC realise in the future that you stayed in an unhappy manage for them.

DH does nearly all the family meals, I cook my own lunches. I always say thank you. When I want something healthier/my favourites I cook instead.

Sounds like your H is a misogynistic, selfish partner and I'd be setting a better example to your DC by not living with him tbh!

No.
They can either cook for themselves or disappear at meal times.
Why should anyone have to bend to one person.

I think if the rest of you are healthy, why isn't he falling in line with what you do?
You are the ones modelling healthy eating and lifestyles?
Why doesn't he see that?

I'm gluten intolerant I do all the cooking and meal prep in our house my children are not gluten intolerant and eat gluten containing foods which as they are young I cook for then

My diet does not dictate everyone else's

So glad you’re not pandering to him, OP.

It took me Years to get my power back in this relationship. He has always expected a service wife and in recent years I have successfully changed the dynamics. But I'm hyper hyper alert to falling back into old habits.

But why are you working full tine and doing all the cooking?

Does he do other chores to balance it out?