If one person in the house is on a particular diet, should everyone else be on it too?

[Margotshypotheticaldog]

It's for health reasons, this person is overweight and sedentary. They currently do none of the cooking or shopping. They can't have takeaways, sweets, chocolates etc. We're not a very sweet tooth house but do get takeaway occasionally. Dinners cooked 6 days a week from scratch reasonably healthy, meat, fish veg etc. If this person now wants to go on a specialist diet, should they source and cook for themselves or do I have to do it basically?? (I'm refusing. That's the Aibu)

I'd go so far as to stop buying sweets and chocolate but I won't stop meals. My DH says every week that he wants to buy healthy food and criticises what I buy in the food shop. "Why have you bought a pie?!" I've bought what he wanted before but he keeps buying sweets and booze through the week! He makes no effort to think of healthy meals or to stick to a diet so fuck it. If he looked after himself for a while I'd be more inclined to jump on the band wagon with him. Myself and the kids are a healthy weight

How old are the dc. Does he care that he is shortening his life and that the kids would love him to be healthy and join in with family activities. .

In my house I always cater for food allergies, and try to remember any particular favourite/loathed foods/dishes. On the whole we eat balanced/nutritious food within my budget. This year I had one ds on a high protein diet (weight lifting) and another ds getting ready to join the army. Both ds financially contributed for the additional costs, helped with the shopping, and also cooked some of the evening meals. Myself and other dc happily ate the food they prepared, and now sharing responsibility for shopping and cooking has become the norm in my house.

A celiac child or anyone with a serious allergy? Yes. An adult who wants to lose a few lbs? No.

Quite apart from why you're with this fucking idiot, the whole diet thing is nonsense.

Grown adults can choose what they eat and when. If he wants to Diet, he can diet, you're a grown adult and need no permission to eat whatever you want.

Don't stay with him for much longer though, leave him to eat what he wants.

Can you say you would be happy to make some changes (decide beforehand what seems doable) if he does the same? For example, he starts walking to places short distances away like he would normally drive to? Or he goes out for a 20 minute walk each evening while you cook his new recipes? He may be unreasonable and expect you to make all the changes while he does nothing but at least you have offered a good deal before refusing completely.

There’s a middle ground, no not everyone has to bend and eat the ‘specialist diet’, but some compromises and meals that can be adapted should be possible. And being mindful of what you’re eating around the person dieting is helpful, although of course there’s no obligation.
The split of housework and cooking is another matter though and not acceptable.

My father has never cooked a meal for his wife or children EVER in his life.

If my mum isnt here he will make fried/boiled eggs and toast. Or get a takeaway on his way home from work of she is not there to cook his dinner.

He has NEVER gone food shopping ever .
Except for picking up a litre of milk In the corner shop very occasionally if mum forgot.

He now has extremely high cholesterol and my mother who is in her 60s has spent the last week meal planning, researching foods and wondering if 'he'll eat this or not'' and generally treating him like the child he is. The man can do nothing for himself at 63 and needs her to keep him healthy. More fool her.

You need to not become my mother.

Make him shop and do his own meal plans.

I do always cook from scratch, it's not very exotic or exciting but healthy enough imo. I have no problem keeping treats out of the house, in fact I rarely buy them it's usually him. The kids and I are already v active. He's the only one who needs to make lifestyle change as far as I'm concerned.

It took me Years to get my power back in this relationship. He has always expected a service wife and in recent years I have successfully changed the dynamics. But I'm hyper hyper alert to falling back into old habits.

She has had to change her meals to because 'it's not fair on him'

The whole household shouldn't revolve around the adult who wants to lose weight, especially if the adult who expects everyone to cater to their diet doesn't do much of the cooking or shopping.

Keep cooking healthy meals and serve him smaller portions, or offer to add some veg in place of a carb source as that's something easy that everyone can enjoy.

Really he needs to take ownership of what he puts in his mouth and the amount he moves his body

I have recently become very intolerant to gluten (after covid) so I have to be really careful about what I eat. I usually do the cooking as DH gets in later than me.

I either adapt what I'm cooking (using gluten-free soy sauce for example) or use a separate pan for my food, but I wouldn't expect the whole family to eat my diet.

When DH cooks he asks me to look over the ingredients so he doesn't accidentally make me ill.

This is currently me. I'm trying to lose a lot of weight using Weightwatchers menu cards. Everyone in the house gets the same meals but nobody minds as the recipes are really tasty. The others still have extra snacks though.

I said I'd get a steamer to steam fish veg and chicken instead of usually oven baked or boiled. That's my compromise. Does that seem fair?

Sounds like hard work this OH of yours.

Remind yourself why exactly are you still with this person.

Absolutely creased at potential saucepan allergy!! I see living with a cave man hasn't dulled your soh op??
Surely the effort of him shopping and cooking for himself will healthily add steps to his day??

@Margotshypotheticaldog

It's oh. We have a strained relationship. He has high blood pressure as a result of poor lifestyle. The kids and I are active and none of us have high blood pressure. He expects a particular level of service that I am increasingly unwilling to provide. He almost never cooks or shops, but has been googling healthy menus and suggestions for me to cook. We both work full time. I have a meal plan system that works for me and the kids for the week and I don't want to change it. I think he just needs to get more exercise and drink less. The food I cook is fine, he needs to make lifestyle changes.

I think he just needs to get more exercise and drink less

Yes, more exercise and stop drinking.

And eat what you cook but less of it.

Why are you still with him?

I'm vegetarian, and T2 diabetic. I do all the cooking however, and make most meals that are suitable for me - perhaps adding in a meat cooked separately or higher carb option. My attitude is that if you don't like it, cook your fucking own!

I also do the food shop but everyone shares the password so they can add to it. DH has got a terrible junk food habit, and I despair as he's not a well man (cardiac problems, hiatus hernia, inguinal hernia) but still spends most evenings constantly crazing crap. But that's on him.

Depends. When I was doing SW my husband ate the same as me for dinners as it's just carbs/salads etc. If it was a soup diet for instance or something that was really restrictive I wouldn't expect him to

I would have no patience with someone like this in my life especially if my DC were living with me.

I really think your life would be happier without him.

My DC are 14 and 15 and they'll cook themselves something different if they don't always fancy my fabulous home cooking.

You're stuck in a rut.

Free yourself

There's no weight loss advantage in steaming instead of baking or boiling though is there? Just extra faff for you if it's not what you're used to doing. Sounds like he's trying to exert some of that control that you clawed back OP.

@Margotshypotheticaldog

It's oh. We have a strained relationship. He has high blood pressure as a result of poor lifestyle. The kids and I are active and none of us have high blood pressure. He expects a particular level of service that I am increasingly unwilling to provide. He almost never cooks or shops, but has been googling healthy menus and suggestions for me to cook. We both work full time. I have a meal plan system that works for me and the kids for the week and I don't want to change it. I think he just needs to get more exercise and drink less. The food I cook is fine, he needs to make lifestyle changes.

Your OH can cook for himself if he doesn't want to eat what you are preparing. If he's googling healthy meals "for you to cook", I'd just reply " super, so you'll cook that tomorrow night then? You are welcome to do the cooking... but I'm not taking orders from you, I'm not obese and nor are the children and we eat healthily already"

It doesn't sound like your meals are the issue (unless he is choosing to eat too much of them) so perhaps suggest you just cut his portion down.
He sounds like a selfish prick though - are you sure you don't want to just leave?