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Original poster

BF's relationship with his Mom- red flag or not?

160 replies

Evangeli · 17/10/2021 12:38

Dating for three years now. Everything lovely, great company, great sex, similar tastes blah blah blah. talking about buying a house and moving in together when time is right. BUT (there's always a but, right?).
BF is an only child. Never married, no kids. He's 42, fully-functioning and capable. Are these red flags?

Mom has a key to his apartment and pops in and out - a couple of times walking in on us although I understand now she texts and that hasn't happened in the recent past.
Mom does a lot of his housework, right down changing his sheets and doing his laundry.
Mom has full knowledge son’s eating habits and sleeping schedule, not to mention arranging his car check-ups, medical and bank appointments. (I know because she'll call while I'm with him, or he'll even mention it himself, not seeing anything odd about this).

i've told him point-blank that you realise if we actually do end up living together this won't continue and he says oh yes I know.

One of our biggest fights happened when he was with his mom, mentioned he was tired, he was seeing me later that night, and she went on at him about cancelling with me since he's tired and needs an early night, to the extent that "just to get her to leave me alone" he texted me and cancelled while he was still with her. I found that very disrespectful and inappropriate. We did end up seeing each other later, and he wasn't tired at all.

I remember reading a novel by an Irishwoman- very fun read (can't remember her name) and she makes fun of the "Irish Catholic Mammy" or the ICM for short, who does her son's laundry etc- that fits BF's mom perfectly (she is of Irish descent and is catholic).

My mom (now dead) was very interfering and overbearing in her own way, but not to this level detail (honestly tho maybe she would be if I'd let her), plus we are four siblings, so very different dynamic.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 18/10/2021 02:02

Isn’t he embarrassed to let his elderly mother do all this for him?? Fine to help out with a few meals here and there or if he has something incredibly stressful going on but all the time??

Does he do anything nice for her in appreciation for everything she does? Or does he accept it as his due.

I would not like this at all. Adults should adult.

YukoandHiro · 18/10/2021 02:10

OP, you say that you won't pick up where mummy left off... but don't forget if you're living there it's YOUR house. So you likely will if those things are Important to you (clean toilet, clean sheets, hygienic kitchen) because you won't be comfortable living in a mess just to make a point.
Meanwhile he won't notice any change.
Be careful. Maybe if you move in get a cleaner? And if you're planning to have kids you need to have an absolutely massive talk beforehand

immersivereader · 18/10/2021 02:19

Hmm, it'd put me off, that's for sure.

I remember dating a guy who still lived with his parents, I stayed over one night and when I went downstairs in the morning his mother was massaging his feet on the sofa.

I couldn't have gotten out of there any quicker

immersivereader · 18/10/2021 02:20

Isn’t he embarrassed to let his elderly mother do all this for him??

^

Yup. Or is he just a typical bloke and he let's her do it, cos it's easier for him??

Original poster
Evangeli · 18/10/2021 03:14

I actually remember the conversation where he mentioned that she knows and comments on his finances, and in fairness to him, he did look a bit sheepish.

But generally, no, he's not embarrassed. He says he's told her she doesn't need to clean/ do laundry etc over and over "but she doesn't listen, she just comes in and does it anyway". As for appreciation, well I guess just he's a very attentive son, enjoys her company and hangs out with her, and that's the most a mom would want? I dunno. He doesn't get her extravagant gifts or anything, all pretty standard. No foot massages, they're a very "proper" mc family :)

@Lentil63 thank you for the alternative viewpoint and I agree there is something sweet and warm about their relationship from a distance when you're not closely involved with them, but if I lived with him I couldn't handle it, definitely.

Re the underwear thing, it is frustrating, but that in itself is not a dealbreaker for me. It seems pretty clear that her need to do his laundry outweighs my desire to not have her handle my underwear. The texting and cancelling at her insistence was definitely a dealbreaker for me and told him if I realised he ever pulled that shit on me again it would be over. So far as I know, he hasn't. He actually did cancel a short notice plan last night due to fatigue, and I asked him point blank if his Mom told him to and he said no. His realised obviously I've become sensitive to this and either he's talking about her less to me (and also about me to her, which I've also asked him to stop doing), or trying to make some adjustments, as some pp suggested upthread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evangeli · 18/10/2021 03:29

TMI here, but I may or may not have deliberately left reuseable, but used bloody pads in the laundry basket, after debating with myself that maybe I should bag it and take it home with me. My reasoning being that since she likes doing the laundry THIS much, then I should leave something worth doing for her.

I dunno, the pad was clean and fresh in "my" drawer next week.

OP posts:
GrandmaAli · 18/10/2021 04:01

If/when you move in together DO NOT give her a key!!
I understand that she loves him and wants to make sure he's alright but walking in willy-nilly, especially into his bedroom, oh no, I'd put a stop to that!
She needs to have her own life now, enjoy her own friends and spend quality time with her husband without worrying about such an adult-child!
Can you get his dad on board to help you stop her doing so much for him? Your bf should definitely be stopping her & should be (gently but sternly) telling her he needs his space and that he can look after himself!!

Marvellousmadness · 18/10/2021 04:18

10000000000037373929101000 red flags

Never. Ever. Move in with him
Ever
Promise us

Because if you do...youll regret it for ever
He won't ever change. And neither will she.

FictionalCharacter · 18/10/2021 05:01

She'll be a constant interfering presence in your lives. She'll get a key to your shared home and let herself in when she wants to. She'll get him to put her first over you. She'll complain that you're not looking after her boy properly. Nightmare.

GrandmaAli · 18/10/2021 05:05

Take a chance, OP!!
She may have been waiting for someone to step in and lessen her load!

MrsJackWhicher · 18/10/2021 05:13

Like others have said I am not that involved with my son and he is23 and living with me! He has done his washing since the age of 12, have no idea what his fleet patterns/dentist appts etc are.I know even less about my other son who is21 snd living with his girlfriend 😁Love them both to it’s and would do anything for them if they were in trouble/dire need.

theremustonlybeone · 18/10/2021 07:29

This won’t change if you move in. His mother will continue he won’t place boundaries and you will be the third person in their relationship

Also given your feelings about him cancelling on you previously he will likely now just lie when he does cancel. How will you know he truly cancelled as he was tired or that he cancelled seeing you as he was actually seeing his mum . You won’t as he knows you will dump him

freelions · 18/10/2021 07:36

He's not really capable and fully functioning is he?

What is the betting that you will be expected to take over all the laundry and other chores that his Mum has been doing all these years if you move in

OverweightPidgeon · 18/10/2021 07:47

Take a chance, OP!!
She may have been waiting for someone to step in and lessen her load

I hope you mean this sarcastically!

GummyBearWhere · 18/10/2021 07:54

Just no. For so many reasons. But basically because he’s a kid and he’s already got a mum. Ick.

gogohm · 18/10/2021 07:59

Honestly, there's more to this, once you dropped in the father element. I'm wondering if his mother is trying to escape his father? Would I date him, no way, but that said she at least sounds nice unlike dps dm (who is trying to make amends currently)

burnoutbabe · 18/10/2021 08:12

Lots of busy successful people pay a cleaner to clean and strip beds and use a laundry service.

So getting mum to not do it won't make Him do it, he would just pay someone else which from his point of view would be a bit daft.

Nayday · 18/10/2021 08:22

@Evangeli he's all so passive and as if he has no say in this- his mum cleaning just happens, she just comes and 'does it anyway' as though he's completely powerless to say 'oh no thanks mum, can you not do that - the key is for emergencies'...

The boundaries in their relationship (lack of) are unconventional but well established.

BoxOfDreams · 18/10/2021 09:12

She sounds like his handler and he sounds completely passive. Does he ever proactively do anything? His mum tells him he's too tired to see you so he cancels the date. You have a personal crisis and he doesn't step up until you tell him you need him to step up.

Also, how is he an "attentive" son?

So they hang out and go for coffee - thats not attentive. He let's her do his laundry, cleaning, admin - that's not attentive. He doesn't even spoil her with gifts to show his appreciation. Does he ever treat you, think of things you'd like to do? Would he step up and do everything for her if she needed help?

How you can be attracted to this man is a mystery to me.

Original poster
Evangeli · 18/10/2021 12:56

Good morning!
So, the whole laundry/cleaning doesn't bother me that much (underwear and pads aside), as pp said he could just get a cleaner with a key (as I do) and outsource those tasks. I remember now, my mom wouldn't clean my place, but she would criticize me (and she did actually arrange for cleaners and nannies for me when the kids were younger and I was married), so I acknowledge there is a role for parents in this sort of thing, I suppose.

With regards to life admin, the whole thing is largely framed as mom and dad are retired and have spare time and called around and found the best deals on tires/life insurance/ clinic with least waiting time/ bank rates/ they're good with sort of thing and now she just made the appointment and it all "makes sense", iyswim.

Wrt to texting and cancelling- I do believe him and trust him that he doesn't lie to me- there have been no instances (that I know of, obvi) in the past 3 years- otherwise what's the point and I am a fool indeed! The other night when he cancelled, it was all very spontaneous and spur of the moment, we were each in our own places and it was a bit later in the evening too- I said do you wanna come over for a bit or something like and he was like sure, then he called about 10 minutes later very apologetic saying do you mind if we just have an early night, I think I'm sleepier than I realised etc etc - there really wasn't time for a call with his mom at that hour and I believe him when I asked and he said no. We had already seen each other that day and it wasn't a big deal.

He is not generally passive (and not passive in bed Grin). B.P. we would go away on overnights together and he would arrange it all- I had told him directly that he needs to do it as I simply don't have time and energy for that and he did. We do date nights and activities together, visit friends and so on etc etc. Yes I am much better at arranging social visits, it took me around a year to meet his friends whereas mine did on about the 3-4 date.

The recurring pattern is that he does need to be told, directly and clearly to do or not to do something, and then he does it. It's not ideal but I guess maybe not the worst thing.

As I was ranting on here last night, he was actually at the dining table helping DS15 with maths, so obviously some redeeming qualities :) and I felt a bit disloyal :)

He's definitely not the "alpha male" burly man-type stomping around the house with a drill looking for things to fix :)

I am generally very relaxed with him and feel I can be myself with him, I don't have to "mask" and be careful about what I say. He doesn't sulk or get moody like my ex which is wonderful. Yes the bar is low :) Eg, all this stuff I've written here, I've already talked about with him in much more detail. I don't hide stuff from him.

Finally, no plans to move in just yet! He says he is planning to move closer to me which is also by happy coincidence closer to his main workplace by spring. And the buying property/moving in simply can't happen until DS is a bit older. No way he could move in my place as is with DS here- not to mention DD is planning to spend summers with me here where she already has a summer job lined up. So we will have a trial run of being closer together and see how that works out.

Thanks again for all the comments and responses.

OP posts:
BoxOfDreams · 18/10/2021 21:41

Well you've convinced yourself all is fine and dandy, so crack on.

theremustonlybeone · 18/10/2021 21:53

sounds like you dont care if his mum keeps coming over. Maybe you can both become mand/womanchidren together and let his mother manage your life

Duckswaddle · 18/10/2021 22:14

Big fat no, 42 and his mother does everything for him? You realise you’ll never be rid of her and he’ll side with her over everything? It would be off putting enough if he was 22, but 42? Yuck.
Sounds like you’re desperate to make it work though, so good luck. You will need it!

MingeofDeath · 18/10/2021 22:36

There is nothing more unattractive than a man who won't do basic life administration.

Ralph871 · 18/10/2021 23:32

I can't beleive no one commented to tell you it was Marion Keyes