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AIBU?

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Original poster

BF's relationship with his Mom- red flag or not?

160 replies

Evangeli · 17/10/2021 12:38

Dating for three years now. Everything lovely, great company, great sex, similar tastes blah blah blah. talking about buying a house and moving in together when time is right. BUT (there's always a but, right?).
BF is an only child. Never married, no kids. He's 42, fully-functioning and capable. Are these red flags?

Mom has a key to his apartment and pops in and out - a couple of times walking in on us although I understand now she texts and that hasn't happened in the recent past.
Mom does a lot of his housework, right down changing his sheets and doing his laundry.
Mom has full knowledge son’s eating habits and sleeping schedule, not to mention arranging his car check-ups, medical and bank appointments. (I know because she'll call while I'm with him, or he'll even mention it himself, not seeing anything odd about this).

i've told him point-blank that you realise if we actually do end up living together this won't continue and he says oh yes I know.

One of our biggest fights happened when he was with his mom, mentioned he was tired, he was seeing me later that night, and she went on at him about cancelling with me since he's tired and needs an early night, to the extent that "just to get her to leave me alone" he texted me and cancelled while he was still with her. I found that very disrespectful and inappropriate. We did end up seeing each other later, and he wasn't tired at all.

I remember reading a novel by an Irishwoman- very fun read (can't remember her name) and she makes fun of the "Irish Catholic Mammy" or the ICM for short, who does her son's laundry etc- that fits BF's mom perfectly (she is of Irish descent and is catholic).

My mom (now dead) was very interfering and overbearing in her own way, but not to this level detail (honestly tho maybe she would be if I'd let her), plus we are four siblings, so very different dynamic.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Evangeli · 17/10/2021 13:06

@Taoneusa yeah- that's what I tell myself- that's it is a good sign he's so close and has warm relations with his mom.

the laundry thing- I've actually told him it makes me uncomfortable as my underwear might be there too otherwise I don't care- he says he can't stop her she just comes in and takes it and she doesn't faint with horror if she sees a pair of panties. :)

OP posts:
Taoneusa · 17/10/2021 13:08

I think it’s great that they get on so well and share their lives. After all, who doesn’t want to share their life and feel loved and cared for.
we are no longer as heteronormative, or even couple focused, as a society.
In lots of cultures close family life is the norm.

Maybe this is a question of jostling for position or a “ how do I fit in here “ discomfort.

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 13:08

Oh so sorry you’re stuck with such a boorish man @MildCreamyCheddar
Shocking he doesn’t help you and watches you struggle

LawnFever · 17/10/2021 13:09

OP, having a spare key to a family members house is pretty normal, for emergencies etc but this level of involvement from her is on a whole other level!

NoYOUbekind · 17/10/2021 13:10

The thing is, say you do get him to unmesh from her - which will take time, effort, strong boundaries and patience - then what happens next? Will you be expected to fill the gaps? 42 is old to be learning the basic skills you need to exist in the world.

In other words, if mammy stops doing his washing, he'll expect you to do it instead. This will never be an equal relationship because he has no idea what an equal relationship looks and feels like. If you want to spend the next 5 years training that in, then have at it. Personally the thought makes my fanny clam up.

Taoneusa · 17/10/2021 13:11

If he says he can’t stop her coming in..Grin maybe she’s actually a Korean mom! Ha, no, only joking.

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 13:13

My misgiving is when she is unable to do all domestics it creates a vacancy
will he step up or expect you to do so

garlicandsapphires · 17/10/2021 13:14

This reminds me of Charlotte in Sex and the City and her marriage to Trey who had an awfully overbearing mother. The marriage didn’t last.

MamsellMarie · 17/10/2021 13:14

I don't expect you are planning a baby?
That would change the dynamic.
She must be in her 60s, she will probably start slowing down in her 70s, perhaps the 'help' might reduce then.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 17/10/2021 13:16

Nope!

The friction that would come from this would be unbearable; she won’t give up space in his life easily.

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 13:16

Yes so the mammy will inevitably slow down,will he spontaneously step up do his own chores or expect op to undertake domestic duties

OverweightPidgeon · 17/10/2021 13:18

he says he can't stop her she just comes in and takes it

And there’s your answer- he can stop her , he just doesn’t want to .

Original poster
Evangeli · 17/10/2021 13:19

@MildCreamyCheddar That is awful. I hope you find a way out. Thank for sharing your experience.

@Taoneusa thank you- I am hoping it is just a "jostling for position" as you say, because other than this, I have become very attached to him, I went through our own family crisis with an aging parent last month and he was very supportive (after I directly told him he had to be, he stepped up. It didn't occur to him spontaneously- but I guess the point is he did step up once it was clearly and directly pointed out to him), he's great with my son, and I can see a future with him.
Just not with his mom :)

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 17/10/2021 13:19

@NoYOUbekind

The thing is, say you do get him to unmesh from her - which will take time, effort, strong boundaries and patience - then what happens next? Will you be expected to fill the gaps? 42 is old to be learning the basic skills you need to exist in the world.

In other words, if mammy stops doing his washing, he'll expect you to do it instead. This will never be an equal relationship because he has no idea what an equal relationship looks and feels like. If you want to spend the next 5 years training that in, then have at it. Personally the thought makes my fanny clam up.

Yup. And SNAP that’s the sound of fanny closing shut.
Original poster
Evangeli · 17/10/2021 13:21

@MamsellMarie no absolutely not! No babies in the picture. I have 2 of my own, one flown the maternal nest, as they say, and he (says he) doesn't want kids (works with special needs kids professionally, says he's sees enough of kids not to want them at home haha)

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 17/10/2021 13:22

Maybe this situation has arisen and neither has broken the habit.

However, he’s 42, and his mum sorts out his appointments, washing etc. Does he have a washing machine in his house? If so, that’s out of order. If not, time to buy one.

What do you mean that she knows about his eating habits. Ie. What he eats day to day? Who does the food shopping? One my son moved out at the age of eighteen, I used to ask what he was eating (to check he was eating okay), but three years on, it’s up to him.

If he’s a fully functional adult, no issues etc, I’d see it as a red flag, unless he can start putting in boundaries now and can prove he’s an independent man. Otherwise, as others have said, you will just fill that role, and take on all the ‘wife-work’.

NerdyBird · 17/10/2021 13:23

Are you in the UK? If so, what happened in the lockdowns? There would have been periods of time where she shouldn't have been coming over and doing his washing etc.

Original poster
Evangeli · 17/10/2021 13:24

the thing with the domestic is that we have already discussed and accepted (I guess?) that he is the "clean freak" in the relationship and I will never be as tidy and clean as him- mostly because I run a family home with kids and cat, he has a bachelor place where it's just him.

I have said many times I don't like housework anyway- he should know at this point than to expect me to "take over".

OP posts:
LidlMiddleLover · 17/10/2021 13:26

Marry him and move severall continents away from mummy

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 17/10/2021 13:27

It’s good you’ve flagged it as not sustainable but I’d be clear with him that things need to change even before you live together ie starting now - if I were you I’d want to see clear evidence that he can look after himself way before I moved in!

Restlessinthenorth · 17/10/2021 13:28

Run, run away now. I'm just disentangling myself from a relationship with a man similar to this. She has been a constant problem in our relationship, extremely manipulative and controlling. No way will this woman let go without causing you major dramas, whatever she says now.

WhitePhantom · 17/10/2021 13:28

[quote Evangeli]@Taoneusa yeah- that's what I tell myself- that's it is a good sign he's so close and has warm relations with his mom.

the laundry thing- I've actually told him it makes me uncomfortable as my underwear might be there too otherwise I don't care- he says he can't stop her she just comes in and takes it and she doesn't faint with horror if she sees a pair of panties. :)[/quote]
But whether she will "faint with horror if she sees a pair of panties." is not the point. This is not about her - this is about YOU, and something that makes YOU feel uncomfortable. He needs to respect that, and not just throw his hands in the air and say Oh dear, I can't stop her. Of course he can stop her!

I wouldn't even consider moving in with him while things are the way they are, and I'd make it very clear to him to why not. If he wants you to move in badly enough, he'll change things. I wouldn't be holding my breath though...

Original poster
Evangeli · 17/10/2021 13:28

Not in the UK, small town Canada. relatively easy pandemic experience.

He has a communal laudromat at his apartment building.
During peak lockdown, his parents actually made a big song and dance about him NOT going to the communal laundry, picking up his laundry from behind the door and dropping it off again.

Yes, what he eats day to day. as in "yeah I had a muffin earlier, and maybe I'll grab a sandwich later... I got 6 hours of sleep last night which was pretty good. No I'm not feeling tired- I only woke up once but was able to fall back asleep later. Ok I'll take the car at 3 then? No you don't need to call and remind me" (she calls anyway).

OP posts:
barbrahunter · 17/10/2021 13:30

Reminds me of an ex of mine. There is nothing so guaranteed to turn one off than watching a supposed equal partner delightedly opening and consuming a packed lunch that mummy lovingly prepared for him that morning.

FinallyHere · 17/10/2021 13:30

he is the "clean freak" ... he has a bachelor place where it's just him.

But... his mother is coming in each to to do his washing and cleaning. He may like things to be clean but he isn't doing anything much to make or keep it like that.

I wouldn't move in with him.

The difference between your approaches will be too big to bridge. Trying to adjust will be very, very painful for both of you.