BF's relationship with his Mom- red flag or not?

[Evangeli]

Dating for three years now. Everything lovely, great company, great sex, similar tastes blah blah blah. talking about buying a house and moving in together when time is right. BUT (there's always a but, right?).
BF is an only child. Never married, no kids. He's 42, fully-functioning and capable. Are these red flags?

Mom has a key to his apartment and pops in and out - a couple of times walking in on us although I understand now she texts and that hasn't happened in the recent past.
Mom does a lot of his housework, right down changing his sheets and doing his laundry.
Mom has full knowledge son’s eating habits and sleeping schedule, not to mention arranging his car check-ups, medical and bank appointments. (I know because she'll call while I'm with him, or he'll even mention it himself, not seeing anything odd about this).

i've told him point-blank that you realise if we actually do end up living together this won't continue and he says oh yes I know.

One of our biggest fights happened when he was with his mom, mentioned he was tired, he was seeing me later that night, and she went on at him about cancelling with me since he's tired and needs an early night, to the extent that "just to get her to leave me alone" he texted me and cancelled while he was still with her. I found that very disrespectful and inappropriate. We did end up seeing each other later, and he wasn't tired at all.

I remember reading a novel by an Irishwoman- very fun read (can't remember her name) and she makes fun of the "Irish Catholic Mammy" or the ICM for short, who does her son's laundry etc- that fits BF's mom perfectly (she is of Irish descent and is catholic).

My mom (now dead) was very interfering and overbearing in her own way, but not to this level detail (honestly tho maybe she would be if I'd let her), plus we are four siblings, so very different dynamic.

What do you think?

Nothing to worry about at all; Mammy's days are numbered.

As soon as you move in together he'll have you to do everything for him, "right down to changing his sheets and doing his laundry, managing his eating habits and sleeping schedule, not to mention arranging his car check-ups, medical and bank appointments ".

You won't mind, will you?

Oh gosh my poor sister went through this. Met a nice bloke but his mom was so involved. She did his housework while he was at work, all his life admin, washing ironing, everything! She even used to open his post!.

Anyway my sister moved in and it continued. She'd get home from work and find his mom had washed her clothes too and there would be a dinner in the oven. His lunch made for next day in the fridge. She'd throw anything my sister made away saying he wouldn't like that. Post it notes of jobs sister hadn't done like wiping the inside of the oven lol it was funny at the time and things settled down after a while, well once he had told his mom to back off. They married. His mom was always overbearing but apparently also very nice and my sister built a nice relationship with her.

But....this bloke was an absolute man child. He couldn't do anything for himself at all. He literally was a spoilt little boy. And that's what broke their marriage in the end. His mom even handled the divorce and looks after their child on his contact days! He will never go on to have a normal life with a partner due to her and the way she mollycoddled him.

I'd be very wary

@Bumblenums1234

Hell no! She will be the third person in your relationship

No, OP will be the third person

Op, you will be expected to take over all those duties to serve this manchild for the rest of your life. Mommy will be overseeing all that and supervising your work.

In short, you should RUN

Dating for three years now. Everything lovely, great company, great sex, similar tastes blah blah blah. talking about buying a house and moving in together when time is right. BUT (there's always a but, right?).
BF is an only child. Never married, no kids. He's 42, fully-functioning and capable. Are these red flags?

Nothing written here so far is a red flag.

Mom has a key to his apartment and pops in and out - a couple of times walking in on us although I understand now she texts and that hasn't happened in the recent past.
Mom does a lot of his housework, right down changing his sheets and doing his laundry.
Mom has full knowledge son’s eating habits and sleeping schedule, not to mention arranging his car check-ups, medical and bank appointments. (I know because she'll call while I'm with him, or he'll even mention it himself, not seeing anything odd about this).

🚩 🚩 🚩 I see a mummy's boy who will likely expect you to do the same.

i've told him point-blank that you realise if we actually do end up living together this won't continue and he says oh yes I know.

Yes, because you'll be the replacement mum, not because he'll suddenly be responsible for his own life.

One of our biggest fights happened when he was with his mom, mentioned he was tired, he was seeing me later that night, and she went on at him about cancelling with me since he's tired and needs an early night, to the extent that "just to get her to leave me alone" he texted me and cancelled while he was still with her. I found that very disrespectful and inappropriate. We did end up seeing each other later, and he wasn't tired at all.

I'd expect more of this in varied forms.

What do you think?

I think YABU to even consider a future with him seeing that you're not okay with this. Do you think you'll change him or his mum? I don't think so.

No wonder the previous partner wanted to move away!

You won't be moving in with him OP. You will be moving in with him and Mummy.

Also they're not a unit of 2, his dad is very much alive and well- but kinda distant from him. I would be more understanding if she was single.
Eg, I find it odd that he very rarely visits his parents both - months can go by without him seeing his dad, but he sees her frequently- she comes by and they go for coffee and shopping and errands together.
I sometimes mention I wish my son will be so attentive to me at that age!

They still are a unit of 2, in a way, regardless of dad being alive/around. This is strictly a mum and son relationship and they both seem to be providing what each other needs - support, attention and affection (sans anything sexual, of course. Didn't need mentioning but as it's MN, one has to clarify).

There's not much wrong with it IF you're okay with it. But if it affects you/your relationship with him, then, it's unreasonable to think you can change what obviously works for them.

@Evangeli

Dating for three years now. Everything lovely, great company, great sex, similar tastes blah blah blah. talking about buying a house and moving in together when time is right. BUT (there's always a but, right?). BF is an only child. Never married, no kids. He's 42, fully-functioning and capable. Are these red flags?

Mom has a key to his apartment and pops in and out - a couple of times walking in on us although I understand now she texts and that hasn't happened in the recent past.
Mom does a lot of his housework, right down changing his sheets and doing his laundry.
Mom has full knowledge son’s eating habits and sleeping schedule, not to mention arranging his car check-ups, medical and bank appointments. (I know because she'll call while I'm with him, or he'll even mention it himself, not seeing anything odd about this).

i've told him point-blank that you realise if we actually do end up living together this won't continue and he says oh yes I know.

One of our biggest fights happened when he was with his mom, mentioned he was tired, he was seeing me later that night, and she went on at him about cancelling with me since he's tired and needs an early night, to the extent that "just to get her to leave me alone" he texted me and cancelled while he was still with her. I found that very disrespectful and inappropriate. We did end up seeing each other later, and he wasn't tired at all.

I remember reading a novel by an Irishwoman- very fun read (can't remember her name) and she makes fun of the "Irish Catholic Mammy" or the ICM for short, who does her son's laundry etc- that fits BF's mom perfectly (she is of Irish descent and is catholic).

My mom (now dead) was very interfering and overbearing in her own way, but not to this level detail (honestly tho maybe she would be if I'd let her), plus we are four siblings, so very different dynamic.

What do you think?

I haven’t read your post but if it’s been three years and there’s always a ‘but’ about progressing in your relationship- that’s your red flag right there

He’s dragging his heels and wasting your time

I can’t believe no one else is picking this up. He’s in his early 40s

When is the right time? When he is retiring?

Three years of all talk is your bigger problem here.

The mum is the least of your worries, if you ever do end up living together.

He sounds either incapable of looking after himself. Or downright lazy.

If you move in together, he will either expect you to do all of his laundry etc and basically take up the 'Mummy' role or she will continue to barge in, do it all for him and make you feel like shit about it.

Massive red flag. Don't do it.

I bet your boyfriend thinks you'll be picking up all tasks his mom currently does and that's why he knows she may not be as involved in the future.

I don't see any possibility of him being able to look after himself. Are you sure this is what you want, OP?

You know that bit in your opening post when you said he's a fully functioning adult - he quite clearly isn't.

Can you imagine having kids with this man? You will die of exhaustion while his mum fusses over him because the baby woke him in the night

Is thus a red flag? This is a terracotta army of red flags

Not only will she be the third person in your relationship, if you suggest all her organisation of his life ends when you move in, he’ll just expect you to do it all instead…

Christ almighty, ditch him now! IF he manages to get his mum to take a step back once you move in together / get married, he will be expecting you to take on the role of 'mother'...and with her muttering in the background, you'll never live up to expectations.

The fact that he's an only child, never married with no kids is not in itself a red flag. It's the inappropriate relationship with his mother. She needs to let go and he needs to grow up. But it hasn't happened by the time he's in his 40s, it's never going to happen. It's not normal. Seriously, you deserve better. Let him go and find a grown up.

There's a programme on TLC (channel) called I Love a Mama's Boy which has different couples where the man has this dynamic with his mum. It looks like hell tbh.

Maybe if he could demonstrate adulting by living for a year without any input from his DM? Try asking him whether he would be prepared to do without the housekeeping services from his mother, starting now.

I'd love to know his opinion on such an idea.

Are you thinking of having kids? If you are then having such a helpful MIL might be handy, if you can divert her caring attention onto your whole family, not just your dp.

It’s also not great that , although he stepped up and supported you through a difficult time , you had to tell him he should do it , he didn’t do it naturally.

hi everybody just popped in to say hi :)

I have to say about the timeframe, a lot of that is on me. As a lone parent of two teenagers who'd been through abusive relationship, hellish divorce and then the father fucked off to another country, abandoning all fatherhood responsibility, I was massively nervous about introducing him (or any bf) to my kids. In fact I didn't do so until over a year that we had been dating. He was a well-kept secret till then. Even after that, he wasn't like around at our place all the time and we weren't doing "family" shite and all that- I'd go out with him. He'd drop by for a visit or something and that was it. Our place is my kids safe, comfortable space, and nobody ever has/had any intention to taking that away from them.

the main reason there is talk of moving to the next step is mostly because my oldest DD has moved out to uni and I feel very lonely in the evenings:)

However, now, it is clear that not much will happen in terms of "progressing" until DS15 is home. Or if/when we can buy a property big enough to accomodate the 3 of us comfortably? Not sure what that could look like.

He's always been very respectful of the boundaries with my kids, and never pushed against that.

The mom making appointments and stuff never really bothered me -until now when I wondering.

Thanks for the input.

@OverweightPidgeon

It’s also not great that , although he stepped up and supported you through a difficult time , you had to tell him he should do it , he didn’t do it naturally.

I know, definitely a strike against him.

Ask him if he likes his mum doing all the stuff, he may find it difficult to tell her to stop. Does sound like he’s treated like a child, why is she telling him to cancel his plans with you and more importantly why is he doing it. I’d be out of that relationship, waving goodbye and telling him the reasons why .. he needs to grow up and be an adult

GoingOutOutNEVER the trouble is , what he says and what he does are two very different things, if he didn’t like it surely he would have put a stop to it by now?

Could you just keep things as they are Op , enjoy his company when you see him and let his mum carry on mummying him ?

As regards domestic work and attraction, my philosophy is that I wouldn’t want to get serious with someone unwilling to do their domestic work and ‘life admin’, so why bother dating them?

Things you might out up with when dating would be much harder to ignore if living together.

Presumably as a single parent you’ve done and still do a lot of domestic work, and have taught your teen DC to do it. It seems illogical to consider living with someone much less willing and capable than you are. Even setting aside his major mummy issues!

Whatever you decide for yourself, wouldn’t put your youngest DS into a situation of living with your boyfriend. Unfair on DS.

Because of your BF’s issues, that is, not living with someone per se!

He's 42, fully-functioning and capable

In what way? He doesn't appear to be able to do his own housework or life admin.

Interesting that his Dad is still about but very much on the periphery. The primary relationship is between him and his mother. I think you may find, if you continue, that your role reflects his Dad's - pleasant but secondary.