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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being spoilt over my birthday?

119 replies

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:44

It's my birthday next weekend.

We have three kids life's a juggle we both work full time and are permanently exhausted.

He has booked his mum to mind the kids next Friday and we are going for dinner and drinks really nice idea.

I asked him could I go for lunch on Saturday with my friends and was told I had to choose between the dinner or the lunch as he wouldn't miss his hobby on Saturday but could swap his mums days.

This turned into a row because I think that's unfair I never ask him to miss his hobby this was the first in ages like over a year. He is also going away after Xmas for four days to do his hobby abs has been on two stags the last year both four day each while I have had the kids. He shouted me down anyway so I am not going on the lunch now but I'm just feeling a bit crao or am I being spoilt?

OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 17/10/2021 11:45

It’s not about being spoilt, it’s about equity. If he gets time away from the children for recreation, why shouldn’t you?

MayEye · 17/10/2021 11:46

I would accept his kind offer to swap MIL babysitting days and go with your friends on Saturday instead of him. He sounds like a dick.

Original poster
user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:47

Friday isn't happening either he has cancelled it now because I have annoyed him SO much

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 17/10/2021 11:48

Well, I suppose he's made it more likely that you'll want to go out with your friends than him - I would choose that. Out of interest, did he miss his hobby for the stag dos?

Twobirdsinatree · 17/10/2021 11:48

Hes an arse.
Cannot believe he shouted at you. He's basically choosing his hobby over spending time with you on your birthday.
Why does he get to do his hobby every weekend? Do you get equal time to do the things you want to do? Are you getting to go away for 4 days at some point too?

SpamIAm · 17/10/2021 11:48

Yeah he's being a twat.

Would it be possible to go out for lunch on the Sunday though?

StripeyBadger · 17/10/2021 11:49

Yanbu. I am assuming he benefits from the drinks and dinner so I’d call his bluff and meet up with your best friend and have a lovely afternoon.

Happy birthday.

Original poster
user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:49

Now I should I add the two younger ones go to his mums on a Saturday while he does his hobby so I can bring the older one to her activities (dance and gymnastics) then I do a quick clean and the weekly shop is delivered so he sees that as me having my own time on a Saturday too

OP posts:
DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 17/10/2021 11:50

You had to ask his permission to go out and then he ‘shouted you down’??
A birthday meal is the least of your worries

Blanca87 · 17/10/2021 11:51

What a fucking twat.

Twobirdsinatree · 17/10/2021 11:51

I'm petty but maybe your lunch with your friends on the Saturday should turn into drinks and a night out... maybe you should text him in the evening saying 'sorry I'm gonna be out all night but I know you'll understand because you are used to prioritising your social activities over your family'
And then sleep at a friends house and have a lovely leisurely Sunday breakfast in the morning

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 11:51

Wow he is an entitled twat isn't he? A day out with your friends is def a better idea...
Maybe a bit of 'window shopping'... And I don't mean at clothes....
He is no bloody catch is he?

JaneDoe21 · 17/10/2021 11:53

Just arrange for his mum to have them the Saturday and go out. Fuck him. Why are you with someone so controlling?

HeyArnoldHey · 17/10/2021 11:54

So selfish!!!

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2021 11:54

What does he do on a Sunday? I'd go out on Saturday for lunch and ask his mum to look after the children. If he is home on Sunday I would go out for the day on Sunday too.

HeyArnoldHey · 17/10/2021 11:55

Clarifying I mean him **

Original poster
user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:55

He's put me off going on the Saturday now because I know the mood I'll have to stick all weekend and he'll act like a martyr that he's had the kids a few hours alone after his hobby it just taints it and makes it not enjoyable. Also the older one is not his and she is coming back from her dads on the sat evening to wake up with me on my actual birthday (Sunday) then I'm bringing the kids to a pumpkin patch for the day so no max sat night out for me lol

OP posts:
Callixte · 17/10/2021 11:58

If it's understood between you two that he has specific hours carved out for his hobby, then it's not unreasonable to ask you to shift the timing of your lunch to another time when both of you are free. It would be nice if he skipped just this once if you can't move the lunch, but maybe he doesn't want to disappoint others who do the hobby with him? Anyway it sounds like a larger issue with splitting childcare, not just this one weekend.

All the other stuff - shouting at you, making it a choice to do one thing or another for your birthday rather than working with you to let you do both (it's only once a year!) and then cancelling your birthday dinner in the huff would make me suspect he might be a bit childish and bullying, though. And possibly selfish himself. Just based on what you've said here; of course you know him and we don't! But no, you're not being selfish.

FloconDeNeige · 17/10/2021 11:58

You get up early on the Saturday and leave before he goes to his hobby. You stay out until you’ve finished what you had planned.

This is the only way to show misogynistic wankstains like him that you’re serious.

If you’re scared to do this then that tells you everything. Absolutely no way on earth I’d put up with that shit; I’d rather be on my own than with someone who considers me as beneath them.

icedcoffees · 17/10/2021 11:59

He sounds awful.

What are his redeeming features?

grinchyvalentine · 17/10/2021 12:02

Imagine it's twenty years in the future and your daughter has the same dilemma and asking your advice.

What would you tell her?

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 12:02

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

You had to ask his permission to go out and then he ‘shouted you down’?? A birthday meal is the least of your worries
That. It's a really common power play, keeping you down and making it impossible for you to enjoy time away from the family. My xh would do this. I went out for dinner once and there was more shit to clean up when i returned home that i can even describe. You are being managed by your boss.
Pinkspecs · 17/10/2021 12:02

He sounds like a total dickhead.

Angrynellie · 17/10/2021 12:02

@user1471481959

Now I should I add the two younger ones go to his mums on a Saturday while he does his hobby so I can bring the older one to her activities (dance and gymnastics) then I do a quick clean and the weekly shop is delivered so he sees that as me having my own time on a Saturday too
Nope that’s not equivalent to have a couple of child free hours on your own to do a hobby if your choosing. Time to start making a bit more noise about this issue. Can you contact his mum and get the trip with friends back on and cut him out of the loop?
TokyoSushi · 17/10/2021 12:03

So now he's cancelled Friday as some sort of punishment? He's awful OP, perhaps getting rid of him would be the best birthday present you'll ever get...