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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being spoilt over my birthday?

119 replies

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:44

It's my birthday next weekend.

We have three kids life's a juggle we both work full time and are permanently exhausted.

He has booked his mum to mind the kids next Friday and we are going for dinner and drinks really nice idea.

I asked him could I go for lunch on Saturday with my friends and was told I had to choose between the dinner or the lunch as he wouldn't miss his hobby on Saturday but could swap his mums days.

This turned into a row because I think that's unfair I never ask him to miss his hobby this was the first in ages like over a year. He is also going away after Xmas for four days to do his hobby abs has been on two stags the last year both four day each while I have had the kids. He shouted me down anyway so I am not going on the lunch now but I'm just feeling a bit crao or am I being spoilt?

OP posts:
JSL52 · 17/10/2021 15:23

Fuck him. In fact fuck him off out of it and you can have every other weekend to yourself.

AllWaxedOut · 17/10/2021 15:41

A few weeks ago I was in the supermarket and noticed an elderly couple, probably late eighties. The wife was trying find something in the freezer and must have picked up the wrong one. The man snarled "Look, it's here! You are the most useless person I have ever met!" She looked flustered and embarrassed Sad

And all I could think was that poor woman has probably been stuck with this man for 50-60 years. The only hope she has of being free of him is if he dies first.

It reminded me of my Mum. She has been with my Dad since she was 19 and he takes such joy in shitting all over her wants and happiness, much like your DP. She's 56 now and it's looking like she will never choose anything more for herself.

Get out while you can OP. Don't let this be your life story.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/10/2021 15:45

Oh god just leave him Thanks

He's a fucking arsehole who will only get worse

Doodar · 17/10/2021 15:49

Dh was like this. I just got babysitters in when I went out.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 15:51

Raise your bar op... On my 40th dh was sulking as per usual on any occasion that wasn't his birthday.. He insisted he got a new xbox game as it apparently wasn't fair the whole day was about me. I got a gift I had chosen myself... We had a few people over and had a small garden party like afternoon tea style... Very nice. Then he gets agitated and says (to me) that people needed to start going as he hadn't even played his game yet. Wasn't even 5pm.. He twisted and my dm became very uncomfortable as it was obvious he wasn't happy. She travelled by train to get there but I drove her back to the station for the earlier train. He was raging at that. Not sure how she was meant to get there. But I had no right leaving him with the dc +other guests...
When I got back the others left and I out dc to bed... Went up myself in tears while he gamed all night...
I vowed 41 would be different.. Threw him out 4 days before!!
Grin

Quartz2208 · 17/10/2021 15:51

You had to ask him OP that I think says everything and now he has gotten out of both.

Talk to his mum and ask her to have then Saturday go out with your friends and make plans to leave him because he sounds awful

Marvellousmadness · 17/10/2021 15:51

Twat alert.
Make sure to start your own hobby every Sunday for a few hours in a row.
And a 4 day stag do??? Get fucked. I am all for my dh doing shit but 4days when you have 4 kids ; no way. He could just go for day days (1 night stay) he is taking the piss.
Speak up op. Kick up. Make a fuss. Let these days be in the past. Let him be an equal parent. He needs to step up. But you need to pipe up for him to do so!

Murdoch1949 · 17/10/2021 15:53

You've married an insensitive pig. Go out with your friends and bin his dinner. When it's his birthday do the minimum to celebrate it, no more than a Colin cake and a pair of socks. Surprised you're married to him.

InTheCludgie · 17/10/2021 15:54

AllWaxedOut that story reminds me of my grandparents, was visiting them one day years ago and grandad shouted at gran in front of everyone because the snack she made him wasn't done to his exacting standards. She said nothing, just took it away and made it again from scratch. I was only about 12 at the time and had no clue that he was a complete arse who had abused his family over the years.

OP, do you really want your children growing up to potentially view this as a 'normal' relationship? You and your kids deserve better than him.

Coyoacan · 17/10/2021 16:02

He's put me off going on the Saturday now because I know the mood I'll have to stick all weekend and he'll act like a martyr that he's had the kids a few hours alone after his hobby it just taints it and makes it not enjoyable

My ex was like this. It was part of process of isolating me. Fortunately I got rid before it worked.

He really does sound abusive, OP. I'm so sorry

toocold54 · 17/10/2021 16:18

My friends boyfriend is exactly like this.
He ‘allows’ her to see her friends whenever she likes but whenever she plans something with them he happens to find something to argue about and she ends up cancelling and sometimes apologising to him - she sees nothing wrong with his behaviour as it was ‘her’ choice to cancel on her friends.
Of course her friends end up getting annoyed and fall out with her and he gets what he wants without actually telling her she can’t see her friends.

Most men who control women don’t tell them what to do outright, they do it in a manipulative way.

It’s very convenient that he’s not done this hobby in over a year yet it falls on the exact day and time that you planned to go out with your friends.

Arrange to meet your friends on a different day and time. If you end up not going then realise it’s him that is being controlling without you realising it.

12LuDo · 17/10/2021 16:23

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Raise your bar op... On my 40th dh was sulking as per usual on any occasion that wasn't his birthday.. He insisted he got a new xbox game as it apparently wasn't fair the whole day was about me. I got a gift I had chosen myself... We had a few people over and had a small garden party like afternoon tea style... Very nice. Then he gets agitated and says (to me) that people needed to start going as he hadn't even played his game yet. Wasn't even 5pm.. He twisted and my dm became very uncomfortable as it was obvious he wasn't happy. She travelled by train to get there but I drove her back to the station for the earlier train. He was raging at that. Not sure how she was meant to get there. But I had no right leaving him with the dc +other guests... When I got back the others left and I out dc to bed... Went up myself in tears while he gamed all night... I vowed 41 would be different.. Threw him out 4 days before!! Grin
Legend. This is what we should aspire to. It's really hard though, especially when there are kids involved.
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 17/10/2021 16:24

Wow. Honestly this does not sound like a healthy relationship.

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 17/10/2021 17:00

Please consider attending a “Freedom Programme”. This sounds like subtle domestic abuse/coercive control and is a way of isolating you from others who might realise what is going on. My ex used to do similarly to me.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 17/10/2021 17:15

Can’t you go Sunday with your friends if he’s busy on Sat?

lemmein · 17/10/2021 17:57

Honestly the stories on here are so upsetting. Who the fuck do these 'men' think they are? I'd rather be single - sounds like you practically are anyway!

tillytown · 17/10/2021 21:28

Leave him, you'll get 'me' time when he has the younger children, you can see your friends without having to deal with his tantrums, and you'll have one less person to cook and clean for.

mountbattenbergcake · 17/10/2021 21:56

Would you still have gone to dinner and drinks with him on Friday after the way he is behaving?

I would rather eat bread and water than sit opposite to dinner to a dickhead.

Tell him you are going out on Saturday and you’ll be home when you’re home. Take the whole day.

And consider if you really want to spend your life with someone this selfish and petulant.

Nayday · 17/10/2021 22:00

Please go on your birthday lunch. Please don't show him that when he behaves badly you are the one to change your behaviour. On your Birthday.
Go on your lunch, have a lovely time. Be back for your daughter and enjoy your Birthday and pumpkin patch the next day.
If he 'punishes' you with sulking - observe carefully, he's showing you who he is. Would you want your daughter/friend/anyone to be treated like this? And then brought so low they question themselves as to whether they're actually spoilt - rather than their partner unreasonable.
Proceed on that basis.
Honestly, any human deserves to be treated better than this.

HereWeGoAgains · 17/10/2021 22:45

You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out, for your children’s sake you need to protect them. I’ve looked at your previous threads, bloody hell.

HouseOfFire · 17/10/2021 22:50

This probably doesn't help, but it was my birthday last week, and my dh couldn't do enough for me. Took me out for a wonderful lunch etc, presents..

Right? That's the minimum you should aim for, if your dh loves you, then he should get joy from you being happy! Just as I got joy looking after dh and making him feel loved and cared form

timeisnotaline · 17/10/2021 22:55

Please get his mum to do Saturday and you go out!! Who cares about his mood, does he care that he literally NEVER gives you any me time while he has hobbies and weekends away? Have a rant to your friends and get them to help plan how you could book a weekend away. Good thinking time, and if he ‘won’t let you’ then that tells you everything, doesn’t it?
Happy birthday op, on the bright side you’ve been living this for a while and it seems to be an eye opening birthday for you where you realise this and that you don’t deserve it. That’s worth a little celebrating.

worriedatthemoment · 17/10/2021 23:00

Can you arrange to go out Friday night with your mates instead , then leave him to look after the kids

buckeejit · 17/10/2021 23:14

So pick Sat with your friends. He's nothing else on Fri so go out with your friends then too. Or book a massage. Or go for coffee/drinks with yourself & a book.

You need to have a look at your time splits. I recommend a book called fair play by eve rodski

Good luck, it won't be easy

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 17/10/2021 23:15

I second the pp that suggested seeing if your friends can go out on Friday instead