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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being spoilt over my birthday?

119 replies

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:44

It's my birthday next weekend.

We have three kids life's a juggle we both work full time and are permanently exhausted.

He has booked his mum to mind the kids next Friday and we are going for dinner and drinks really nice idea.

I asked him could I go for lunch on Saturday with my friends and was told I had to choose between the dinner or the lunch as he wouldn't miss his hobby on Saturday but could swap his mums days.

This turned into a row because I think that's unfair I never ask him to miss his hobby this was the first in ages like over a year. He is also going away after Xmas for four days to do his hobby abs has been on two stags the last year both four day each while I have had the kids. He shouted me down anyway so I am not going on the lunch now but I'm just feeling a bit crao or am I being spoilt?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/10/2021 23:15

What's fair is equal leisure time and it seems like you get a big fat zero.

Celebrate your birthday with your friends then speak to woman's aid.

Workinghardeveryday · 17/10/2021 23:20

No post since lunchtime, I hope you’re okay x.

He is bang out of order. My dp can be a right knob but never would he do this!! Stand up for yourself. It’s one weekend of the year, it’s not even like you’re going away with the girls or anything!!

You are not in the wrong.

shakehandswithdanger · 17/10/2021 23:32

Not much of a partner, not much of a birthday, and not much of a way to live.

Forget cancelling the dinner and lunch out. I think I'd seriously consider cancelling the relationship.

Mammyloveswine · 17/10/2021 23:37

What a fucking dick

Original poster

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 23:42

Sorry busy day with the kids!

I will be honest the two reasons I haven't left are 1) money my credit is so so bad we are currently in a lovely house but it's in his name the social housing where I am
You have to go to a hostel for months before getting placed and the areas are horrible I couldn't do that on my kids and we have No one we could stay with

I don't want the kids to go from me two nights a week...yet...I feel it would be too unsettling for them my DD has only started going eow as she found it too hard when she was younger and luckily her dad was an immature prick who chose gfs over her but has finally wised up.

I feel that part of the problem is me as he and my ex are very similar and say similar things to/about me. My sister says I am too soft but if I told him he couldn't do something he would say I'm contrllling (and apparently I already am when I ask how though he can't give me any answers)

We had to go out today in the car and we tAlked about the argument and when I put my points across about the weekend and how I look after the children when he is away he told me I don't as they are with the childminder while I work so all I do is what I usually do nothing changes because he's away so he isn't putting any extra pressure on me. I actually laughed out loud he genuinely believes that. I don't think any ultimatum is going to change his views because to me they are absolutely ridiculous for any parent to have so he must be completely self absorbed to think it and there is no changing that at 38!

I'm under no illusion that this relationship is perfect and I lnow it can't be saved (nor do I want too) but I have to choose my time carefully and be fully 'ok' to leave so it doesn't effect the children too much (in terms of housing and time away from me) I will eventually leave though.

For those saying about his mum- she is lovely but a complete enabler of this hobby. She wouldn't see my side anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 23:43

When I do leave I will be single forever I am so done with men lesson learnt again

OP posts:

Werehamster · 18/10/2021 03:06

I feel for you. It's not easy.

can I recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can read it on pdf for free.

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The longer you stay, the more damage you will do to yourself. It's like living with toxic mould.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 18/10/2021 03:29

@DILevil

What do you get from the relationship? You’d have more free time if you were single. Ask him what he thought he would do on the weekends if you split up and he had to do childcare? Of course his friends didn’t tell him he did too much.

Aaargh! Yet again on mumsnet

No one can make a non resident parent look after their own children for longer than they choose to. And they might choose not to at all.

I wish I could stop reading this nonsense

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 18/10/2021 03:31

@JSL52

Fuck him. In fact fuck him off out of it and you can have every other weekend to yourself.

Hmm

StoppinBy · 18/10/2021 05:40

What a selfish twerp. It's your birthday weekend so he should naturally have conceded his desires for yours.

onelittlefrog · 18/10/2021 05:47

The thing is, going out for a nice dinner is actually a treat for BOTH of you. I'm sure he would have enjoyed it too.

So saying you have to choose between that or having some time on your birthday weekend to see your friends just seems ridiculous. You should get to do both (and he should get to do similar on his birthday).

It sounds like there's a lot of resentment in your relationship on both sides and like you argue frequently. I think you should probably leave because staying will be just as detrimental to your children if you are always bickering with each other and can't get along.

Inthesameboatatmo · 18/10/2021 05:49

Meet your friends and seriously reconsider your relationship.

Weatherwax13 · 18/10/2021 06:05

He needs to get to fuck, but you already know that, so good for you. I know it's easy to say LTB but I can completely see the reality of your situation and how you feel you need to get the old ducks in a row first.
I would definitely try to see a solicitor and ask exactly where you stand re finances and housing. It may not be as dire as you think.
Best of luck.

JuneJuly · 18/10/2021 06:53

It's quite telling that he says things wouldn't be any different for you of a weekend, whether he's there or not!

Werehamster · 18/10/2021 11:41

Have you spoken to the housing people directly? Can they get you waitlisted or do you definitely have to go into the hostel?

I suspect the relationship won't last and things will come to a head soon enough. I think you'd be smart to get your ducks in a row sooner rather than later.

It's not good for you to stay with him.

Cofifeefee · 18/10/2021 11:47

He is really nasty and believes his own hype so pointless trying to talk to him. If the dickhead has to tell you that other asshole men think he's amazing for making a sandwich, you're past the point of being able to reason with him.

Best of luck with leaving him as soon as you are able to.

JustLyra · 18/10/2021 12:27

It’s very telling that he considers your time with your eldest DD as your down time.

Please speak to women’s aid.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 21:11

@JustLyra

It’s very telling that he considers your time with your eldest DD as your down time.

Please speak to women’s aid.

They'll likely give you a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

Isthisit22 · 18/10/2021 21:15

@FloconDeNeige

You get up early on the Saturday and leave before he goes to his hobby. You stay out until you’ve finished what you had planned.

This is the only way to show misogynistic wankstains like him that you’re serious.

If you’re scared to do this then that tells you everything. Absolutely no way on earth I’d put up with that shit; I’d rather be on my own than with someone who considers me as beneath them.

This a million times. Don't be a doormat or people will stand on you

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