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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being spoilt over my birthday?

119 replies

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:44

It's my birthday next weekend.

We have three kids life's a juggle we both work full time and are permanently exhausted.

He has booked his mum to mind the kids next Friday and we are going for dinner and drinks really nice idea.

I asked him could I go for lunch on Saturday with my friends and was told I had to choose between the dinner or the lunch as he wouldn't miss his hobby on Saturday but could swap his mums days.

This turned into a row because I think that's unfair I never ask him to miss his hobby this was the first in ages like over a year. He is also going away after Xmas for four days to do his hobby abs has been on two stags the last year both four day each while I have had the kids. He shouted me down anyway so I am not going on the lunch now but I'm just feeling a bit crao or am I being spoilt?

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 17/10/2021 12:50

Your birthday is the least of your problems.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 17/10/2021 12:50

I would definitely rather go out with my friends than him.

Op if you are still together on his birthday, make you he doesn't get any special treatment.

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

diddl · 17/10/2021 12:51

Well he's played a blinder there!

Was there actually anything booked for the Fri?

Surely you can go out with someone on the Fri now as he can look after the kids?

He sounds so awful.Sad

parrotonthesofa · 17/10/2021 12:53

He sounds horrendous.

UmbrellaDrops · 17/10/2021 12:55

Sounds like he is an uncompromising twat. Put your foot down or it will never get better. Tell him you are going to both events as it's your special day. Obviously you can't force him into a dinner with you, but if he doesn't put his pride aside for one day, that says more about him than it ever will about you. Urrrggh men like this make me so angry. A marriage is meant to be an equal partnership, with lots of compromising to make each other happy, not guatanamo bay. You don't have to settle for unhappiness for any reason. You are not a child, he has no right to cancel because you annoy him omg.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/10/2021 12:55

@user1471481959

He's put me off going on the Saturday now because I know the mood I'll have to stick all weekend and he'll act like a martyr that he's had the kids a few hours alone after his hobby it just taints it and makes it not enjoyable. Also the older one is not his and she is coming back from her dads on the sat evening to wake up with me on my actual birthday (Sunday) then I'm bringing the kids to a pumpkin patch for the day so no max sat night out for me lol
Classic tactics to keep you in your box. Now is the time to act. Stop doing everything his way and develop a thick skin to his reactions. I'd be giving him a few home truths before planning my exit. His hobbies will soon be curtailed when he has 50 /50 custody
12LuDo · 17/10/2021 12:56

I know exactly the kind of man you are stuck with and I totally understand how hard it is to stand up for yourself, but if he genuinely thinks that cleaning, running your daughter around and putting the shopping away is free time, equal to him getting out of the house to enjoy a hobby, then it's time to take stock. Either be brave and have the conversation, preparing yourself to ride out the consequences, or it may be time to start planning your escape. Only you know how badly it affects you, but be honest with yourself, if you can. I know how easy it is to make excuses for his behaviour. Or maybe he does have enough redeeming features, who knows.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 17/10/2021 12:59

Awful. I'd be going out all day Saturday and Sunday. MIL dh and ex can have the kids. And dh attitude needs to change or I'd be going out permanently

toocold54 · 17/10/2021 13:03

I’d definitely be calling his bluff and making other plans for Friday - you go out with your friends for the night and he can watch the kids. He can still do his hobby on Saturday so he can’t even moan.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 17/10/2021 13:22

@user1471481959

Friday isn't happening either he has cancelled it now because I have annoyed him SO much
That's horrible behaviour of him. You did nothing wrong asking for a Saturday off for your birthday when he gets every Saturday for his hobby plus trips away and he has punished you by cancelling your birthday dinner. If I was in a relationship like that I would get out as soon as I could.
QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 13:32

OMG who the hell does this guy think he is...

OP please make arrangements for Saturday and tbh if possible book yourself into a nice Hotel overnight ... treat yourself 🌸

Werehamster · 17/10/2021 13:39

Shit, just advance searched the OP. She really does have bigger problems.

Seriously, you leave to leave this man for good. For the sake of yourself and your kids.

I know it's hard but there are people who can help you.

gumball37 · 17/10/2021 13:47

Oh for fuck's sake. This shit is why I am and will always be single. Said "no" to seeing your friends. Your entire life revolving around what he wants to do. You'd be just as busy but much more sane as a single mom.

nimbuscloud · 17/10/2021 13:56

He has hit you
Put his fist in your face
Called you awful names
Told people he hates you

Please report the abusing bastard

Billybagpuss · 17/10/2021 13:58

Hi OP

I have read some of your previous threads, had you not actually broken up with him at one point but still lived there as were worried about finding other accommodation?

Please get in touch with women’s aid and talk through your options www.womensaid.org.uk/

You have not been happy for some time but I think feel trapped? I think the best advice is to write this birthday off and let people here guide you to finding a happier life, you deserve it, you’re worth so much more than this.

Ellie56 · 17/10/2021 14:15

You have far bigger problems here than your birthday OP.

Contact womensaid. They will help you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/10/2021 14:22

Wow. Just wow. He’s really shown you how little you matter, hadn’t he?

I don’t think I could stay with someone like that, sorry.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/10/2021 14:23

Haven’t advanced searched but my reply remains the same/

Nat6999 · 17/10/2021 14:46

Because he has cancelled Friday night, I would arrange to meet your friends Friday night, find a hotel, stay overnight & have your drinks on Saturday. He is behaving like a spoilt child.

PurpleMustang · 17/10/2021 14:48

Oh my where even to start and end with this. He is not 'helping' he is a parent. He lives there. He has conditioned you into not having any time for yourself. Even is own mother is helping HIM on a Saturday to enable HIS hobby by having the children (hint she is not helping you as he is the one absent). I would be so tempted to arrange (when your eldest is with their dad for 4 days next) that you book a trip away on your own, with a friend and let him 'help out' with his kids on his own

JapanJetplane · 17/10/2021 14:49

He sounds like a real turd. Sorry OP - a good man wouldn’t behave this way.

Offmyfence · 17/10/2021 14:55

@user1471481959

He's put me off going on the Saturday now because I know the mood I'll have to stick all weekend and he'll act like a martyr that he's had the kids a few hours alone after his hobby it just taints it and makes it not enjoyable. Also the older one is not his and she is coming back from her dads on the sat evening to wake up with me on my actual birthday (Sunday) then I'm bringing the kids to a pumpkin patch for the day so no max sat night out for me lol
He's a part!
ChorizoJacketPotato · 17/10/2021 14:59

I’d get rid of that twat.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 17/10/2021 15:00

He is designing this so that it doesn't seem like it's worth bothering going out.

Personally I'd leave him for being abusive but if you have to stay wake up to what he is doing to subtly control you.

Offmyfence · 17/10/2021 15:06

Prat not part ...... bloody autocorrect!