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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being spoilt over my birthday?

119 replies

user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 11:44

It's my birthday next weekend.

We have three kids life's a juggle we both work full time and are permanently exhausted.

He has booked his mum to mind the kids next Friday and we are going for dinner and drinks really nice idea.

I asked him could I go for lunch on Saturday with my friends and was told I had to choose between the dinner or the lunch as he wouldn't miss his hobby on Saturday but could swap his mums days.

This turned into a row because I think that's unfair I never ask him to miss his hobby this was the first in ages like over a year. He is also going away after Xmas for four days to do his hobby abs has been on two stags the last year both four day each while I have had the kids. He shouted me down anyway so I am not going on the lunch now but I'm just feeling a bit crao or am I being spoilt?

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 17/10/2021 12:03

You have way bigger issues than your birthday op.

Why exactly are you still in this marriage?

GoldChick · 17/10/2021 12:03

Do you get to go out every Sunday for your hobby?

girlmom21 · 17/10/2021 12:04

Initially I was going to say to organise alternative childcare for Saturday yourself if he already has plans but fuck him now.

MintyCedric · 17/10/2021 12:05

@user1471481959

Now I should I add the two younger ones go to his mums on a Saturday while he does his hobby so I can bring the older one to her activities (dance and gymnastics) then I do a quick clean and the weekly shop is delivered so he sees that as me having my own time on a Saturday too
How the actual fuck does that constitute you having your 'own time'.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 17/10/2021 12:07

Op
So random but I remember a thread you started a few weeks ago.

Saying that you and your partner had broken up and he was being difficult re the kids?

Whoopy1 · 17/10/2021 12:07

Why are you being a doormat? Stick up for yourself and tell this selfish prick that you are entitled to a life outside work as well as he is.

ftw163532 · 17/10/2021 12:08

Why are you accepting being treated like shit? This is clearly not a one-off.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 12:09

My dh ruined my 40th...
He was an exh before I was 41...

itsallgoingpearshaped · 17/10/2021 12:10

He clearly believes the children should be 100% your problem to sort.

Total arsehole.

What do you see in him?

Evesgarden · 17/10/2021 12:11

Why are you letting him boss you around?

Fuck the drinks off with him and go ask his mum to have all the kids and dont cut your nose off to spite your face - I grew out of that a long time ago.

Original poster
user1471481959 · 17/10/2021 12:11

I don't have any hobbies I used too but I just don't have the time anymore he works shifts so isn't home until after the kids go to bed in the evening so after I collect them after work each day and get the older one to her activities twice a week in the evening I am too tired to go to the gym or for a run at 9pm (his suggestion) when I am up at 6am to get sorted before leaving for work and school run at 715.

He some days starts work later than me so he will get up and do the packed lunches change the babies nappies before I leave with them and he told me that his mates in work have said he does too much in the mornings that's literally what he does I don't think that's too much. I do it on the mornings he leaves earlier than me and I always do the school run and pick the children up every day from childcare and so all the cooking and cleaning.

He used to be great at helping but the last six months things have really changed

OP posts:
PennyWus · 17/10/2021 12:12

Oh no no no, you MUST now go out on Saturday. Even if you don't want to! Otherwise he learns that his selfish, cruel behaviour is successful in controlling you.

You arrange your lunch, you INFORM your husband, you call MIL yourself- all sweetness and light - and arrange her to babysit.

And you just power through his bad temper without showing that he's getting to you. If he tries to pick an argument, reply that you don't want to fight, it is bad enough he cancelled your birthday dinner which has deeply hurt your feelings. And tell him if you feel sad that he can't accept you want a break from your Saturday parenting duties just once, when he has SO much help and support from you to have his own time throughout the year. Tell him you have never felt so disappointed by him. And then don't engage with him any further. Just ignore him and try to have a happy weekend.

Clymene · 17/10/2021 12:13

Go out on Friday night and don't go home

coodawoodashooda · 17/10/2021 12:14

@PennyWus

Oh no no no, you MUST now go out on Saturday. Even if you don't want to! Otherwise he learns that his selfish, cruel behaviour is successful in controlling you.

You arrange your lunch, you INFORM your husband, you call MIL yourself- all sweetness and light - and arrange her to babysit.

And you just power through his bad temper without showing that he's getting to you. If he tries to pick an argument, reply that you don't want to fight, it is bad enough he cancelled your birthday dinner which has deeply hurt your feelings. And tell him if you feel sad that he can't accept you want a break from your Saturday parenting duties just once, when he has SO much help and support from you to have his own time throughout the year. Tell him you have never felt so disappointed by him. And then don't engage with him any further. Just ignore him and try to have a happy weekend.

I am so, so pleased i am single. That is a horrific way to manage your life. I know i used to have to do it. So happy he doesn't live here anymore.
MrsSkylerWhite · 17/10/2021 12:15

user1471481959

He's put me off going on the Saturday now because I know the mood I'll have to stick all weekend and he'll act like a martyr that he's had the kids a few hours alone after his hobby it just taints it and makes it not enjoyable. Also the older one is not his and she is coming back from her dads on the sat evening to wake up with me on my actual birthday (Sunday) then I'm bringing the kids to a pumpkin patch for the day so no max sat night out for me lol“

Why are you with this person? Honestly, he sounds horrible.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 17/10/2021 12:20

Oh op. Your birthday is the one time in the year that is your day to feel a bit special. It doesn’t matter what you do but to expect your partner to make a bit of effort for this one day is not too much to ask. In effect he’s now ruined it by cancelling the dinner and the babysitter.
However you could take the control back. First see when suits his mum to babysit, then arrange a night out/ lunch with your friends. You could really make the most of this opportunity to show him that actually you are entitled to some fun and that you don’t need him to help you have it!
Make sure you are being the best role model for your children in how a relationship should work.

DILevil · 17/10/2021 12:21

What do you get from the relationship? You’d have more free time if you were single. Ask him what he thought he would do on the weekends if you split up and he had to do childcare? Of course his friends didn’t tell him he did too much.

Iloveacurry · 17/10/2021 12:23

He’s being a twat.

Ourlady · 17/10/2021 12:34

Well he's a right nasty bastard isn't he. Get yourself out with your friends on Saturday and have a lovely time with people who love you and don't treat you like dirt.

Tal45 · 17/10/2021 12:40

If he's booked his mum for Friday night then can you go out with your friends then?........ And come home just in time for him to go to his hobby on Saturday. He sounds really mean tbh.

toocold54 · 17/10/2021 12:42

YANBU but is there not any way you can both do what you want in Saturday?

Could you go out in the evening instead after his hobby finishes or do you have any family members who could look after the kids.

I’ve voted YANBU as he’s acting like a twat but your lunch date is easier to rearrange than his hobby so I can see why he’d be annoyed too.

Ellie56 · 17/10/2021 12:43

@TokyoSushi

So now he's cancelled Friday as some sort of punishment? He's awful OP, perhaps getting rid of him would be the best birthday present you'll ever get...
I agree. He is a selfish entitled twat.

Is his hobby cycling?

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 12:43

So it’s not that you aren’t allowed to go out… that would be obviously controlling

It’s that you are allowed but he is going to make it not worth your while

One question… do you want to watch your children live the relationship you are modelling?

Auroreforet · 17/10/2021 12:44

My dh would never be so selfish.
He’s not doing too much you are.
Go out with your friends you’ll have a better time with them than him.

Ellie56 · 17/10/2021 12:49

He used to be great at helping but the last six months things have really changed

See this is where you have it wrong, OP. He shouldn't be "helping. " He should be doing "his share". You are both working so he should be doing his share of the housework in the house he lives in and his share of parenting his children.