I have a 7 month old and have diagnosed depression and have terrible self-esteem (they were reluctant to categorise it as PND, as I’ve had on and off severe depression all of my life) so my reaction may be over the top, but it’s really affecting me.
Was on my way home from an appointment with baby yesterday, and picked DH up from work on the way as his car failed it’s MOT earlier in the week. I’m 27 but a fairly new driver, passed just a couple of months ago. We live in a village so to get from the town where I’d been to home involves driving on a lot of windy country roads.
I came round a bend on one of these roads and then saw 2 female mallard ducks walking across the road together. I completely panicked. DH picked up on my panic and shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going (because I was doing 40, and the ducks were a couple of metres in front of me so I couldn’t have stopped), we were also very close to a new bend. The ducks were literally walking where the bend started.
For some stupid, stupid reason I ended up swerving them anyway. I don’t know why I did it as it was so fucking stupid. Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks before I then pulled over after moving past the bend a bit. This all happened within a few seconds. I was a complete state. Me and DH were both in shock but my first instinct was to go and check on baby, who was fine and gurgling away in the car seat completely unbothered.
Me and DH then went to check the damage and it was awful. Both ducks were clearly dead and it was awful. I was hysterical (in the crying sense, not laughing) and there were some blood trails on the road. I didn’t want to leave them there but DH said we’re best just leaving them in a bush for foxes to get. He grabbed a plastic bag from the car to cover his hands with, picked them both up and put them in the bush at the side of the road.
DH then had to drive home and I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I’ve been in a a state ever since. I don’t want to drive ever again, I was so fucking stupid for swerving, I could have killed my baby. I get upset thinking about the ducks because I’m an animal lover and think about the fact they probably have babies and it’s awful. My husband in a misguided attempt to cheer me up said last night “It’s a shame we didn’t bring them home, we could have had crispy duck” and he got a very, very short shrift and I shouted at him which I feel awful for. I’ve not felt this depressed in months, the whole thing seems to have triggered some deep seated emotions of self-hatred.