Ran over 2 ducks and finding the guilt unbearable

[JCFJW]

I have a 7 month old and have diagnosed depression and have terrible self-esteem (they were reluctant to categorise it as PND, as I’ve had on and off severe depression all of my life) so my reaction may be over the top, but it’s really affecting me.

Was on my way home from an appointment with baby yesterday, and picked DH up from work on the way as his car failed it’s MOT earlier in the week. I’m 27 but a fairly new driver, passed just a couple of months ago. We live in a village so to get from the town where I’d been to home involves driving on a lot of windy country roads.

I came round a bend on one of these roads and then saw 2 female mallard ducks walking across the road together. I completely panicked. DH picked up on my panic and shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going (because I was doing 40, and the ducks were a couple of metres in front of me so I couldn’t have stopped), we were also very close to a new bend. The ducks were literally walking where the bend started.

For some stupid, stupid reason I ended up swerving them anyway. I don’t know why I did it as it was so fucking stupid. Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks before I then pulled over after moving past the bend a bit. This all happened within a few seconds. I was a complete state. Me and DH were both in shock but my first instinct was to go and check on baby, who was fine and gurgling away in the car seat completely unbothered.

Me and DH then went to check the damage and it was awful. Both ducks were clearly dead and it was awful. I was hysterical (in the crying sense, not laughing) and there were some blood trails on the road. I didn’t want to leave them there but DH said we’re best just leaving them in a bush for foxes to get. He grabbed a plastic bag from the car to cover his hands with, picked them both up and put them in the bush at the side of the road.

DH then had to drive home and I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I’ve been in a a state ever since. I don’t want to drive ever again, I was so fucking stupid for swerving, I could have killed my baby. I get upset thinking about the ducks because I’m an animal lover and think about the fact they probably have babies and it’s awful. My husband in a misguided attempt to cheer me up said last night “It’s a shame we didn’t bring them home, we could have had crispy duck” and he got a very, very short shrift and I shouted at him which I feel awful for. I’ve not felt this depressed in months, the whole thing seems to have triggered some deep seated emotions of self-hatred.

A bird flew into the front of my car on the middle lane of the motorway once. It was so hard fighting against the instinct to break or swerve but I would have killed myself and others if I had. I was on my own and an hour away from home at the time so had no choice but to stay behind the wheel which I think did me good. Don’t let this put you off driving again but please seek some help if you need it

It's awful. I have no advice. Everytime I see a pigeon I think of the time I was driving round a corner and a pigeon literally dropped out of the tree above straight into my car. I don't know how people deliberately do it.

It's made me a more careful driver, I always drive as though there's an animal just round the corner and I've never hit anything since. I also make sure I have a safe braking distance behind me so I can brake.

Oh lovely. It’s so hard. 14 years ago I was travelling on an A road and a badger came out of no where. I hit him and then stopped and went back to try and help as he was crawling but another car came and hit him again. He was then dead. I was devastated. It will take time but you’ll drive again. Just know your feelings are valid x x

It happens to us all OP. It is inevitable that you have some issue with driving when starting off.

You will accidentally hit an animal / hit a car when reversing / scrape your car against a wall / whack your wing mirror against a pillar and you will think it's the end of the world. The first time is the worst. You can only console yourself that it wasn't more serious and that you family weren't hurt.

Unless you are 100% serious about stopping driving, you need to go out in the car today.
Then book yourself some more lessons, as whatever happens you can’t just ‘shut down’ whilst driving. That’s the dangerous bit. The accident with the ducks becomes almost secondary compared to that.

Oh love ❤️ I’m so sorry, what a horrible thing to happen.

These things are so difficult to deal with in the moment. I’ve swerved before to avoid a pheasant - it was pure instinct and it really shook me up so that I wasn’t happy driving for a while after.

I totally understand you taking a break from driving for the moment for your own comfort, but I hope you get back to it. Knowing how to handle these situations comes with practice and experience. You will get there.

In the meantime, keep reminding yourself that your baby is fine, you’re fine, your husband is fine. Don’t torture yourself with alternative scenarios. And of course you will feel sad about the ducks - but if it’s any consolation it was likely instantaneous, and they will provide meals for many other lovely animals too.

I hope you feel better soon

You were doing 40 on a windy road, near a bend. There lies your problem…. Slow down. 40 is fast on narrow windy roads.

Not the answer you were looking for I know. I’ve hit squirrels in the past. It’s shit! But not much you can do about it now

I really disagree with the turn this thread has taken. Yes we all know the OP should have driven into the ducks instead of swerving - that's easy to say with hindsight. But it's actually really hard to do as you swerve on instinct. I've actually never had this happen in 26 years of driving, but it's something I worry about and I can't guarantee I wouldn't swerve out of instinct.

I don't think having a single near miss as a new driver makes you a bad driver, as some people are implying. Near misses happen to all of us occasionally, and you are reflecting on it to see what you would do differently next time.

I also think it's bollocks when people say you're going too fast if you couldn't immediately stop. Yes people should leave a good distance between them and the car in front, and slow down for bends. But to be sure of avoiding the sudden appearance of a slow duck in the road you'd have to drive round every bend at about 10mph which would be dangerous in itself. If you were doing around 30 on a not-too-tight bend, that doesn't sound too fast to me at all.

I don't think this post is evidence that you should stop driving. I think you were really unlucky. As long as you reflect on it, which you are, it's already made you a better driver. Sure, get some more lessons if you want, but you're not going to be practising running over ducks, so I don't think it's an essential response to what happened.

Good luck OP and I hope you can get the balance between reflecting on what happened and what to do differently if it happens again BUT not being dragged into a downward spiral by people on this thread putting the boot in. Good luck x

Personally I would not stop driving as it is more likely that you will find it hard and will be even more anxious to get into it again.
As a PP said, near misses will happen, but you just learn from them.

As a newish driver myself, I found the first 3/4 months scary especially as near miss situations happened, not all due to my driving might I add, some dangerous drivers on the roads.
I also was scared to go on a few times as I kept thinking of them and kept wondering about what would have happened etc.
Having sat with many experienced drivers since, I have realised that near misses happens to everyone occasionally and it's how you deal with them.
The best way is to not overthink about them but to learn from your mistakes if you had any, or learn to react to others mistakes and move on.
So from this, you take the:
"Next time, I will not swerve or stop and just carry on as normal as its far more dangerous".
Don't beat yourself up about it as there is nothing you can do. The fact that your being anxious about your driving may make you an even better driver as your more aware of the dangers and would most likely be a more safer driver. I know it has helped me alot.
You will most likely find the first few instances of near misses scary but then slowly you will find yourself reacting to them better and you won't even overthink about them as much later.
Practice makes perfect.

Reading this really makes me think an education on accepting that you will cause occasional, accidental roadkill should be part of learning to drive. The amount of times I've seen people swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid a squirrel....

It's part of driving, especially when you live rurally. I learnt to drive in pheasant season and my instructor drilled it into me to never stop for one, even if it means you hit it. It's much safer to continue driving and hit small animals/birds than it is to emergency stop or swerve for them.

Obviously it's different if the animal in question is larger.

I've hit rabbits, pheasants and pigeons, as well as squirrels and mice/voles. It's just not possible to avoid them and braking would cause an accident and much more damage than hitting them does.

@LetsGoBrandon

Reading this really makes me think an education on accepting that you will cause occasional, accidental roadkill should be part of learning to drive. The amount of times I've seen people swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid a squirrel....

Absolutely.

I've seen so many near misses where people have swerved to hit squirrels or pigeons. It's bonkers to me that people would risk their lives (and other people's) for a bird.

Oh OP I get this completely. I ran over a squirrel on the way to work on Friday morning. I was on a 60 mph road and I could see the poor thing in between both sides of the road not knowing where to go, he kept going back and forth not sure where to go as there were vehicles on both sides. I went over him 🤦‍♀️ It was a split second thing, if I'd have swerved I'd have ended up in an accident. Car behind was right up my back end and there were piles of vehicles on both sides. It just had to be me who hit him didn't it? I felt awful and still do 😢

Your husbands a dick. I'd of swerved too.. anybody who doesn't is just a c#%t

Although I know not to swerve in a situation like that I think my instincts would still be to swerve...sometimes fright and panic take over and your body reacts or freezes.

OP I would feel like you, it must feel horrible. I agree that maybe have a little break from driving until you are in a better place mentally but it would be a lovely gesture to donate to a duck sanctuary in memory of them, it might help ease your guilt a bit.

Stop it!

Stop dwelling on it, catastrophising it, relating to it, reliving it, reworking it into the perfect excuse not to drive again. It was an incident you almost turned into an accident. Learn from it, don't throw away all the time, money and effort expended on learning to drive.

You are new to driving, you have many years of collateral damage to collect yet. Get your head round it. Get back in the car and choose not to lose your head again.

Harsh? Well yes, you are driving a ton of metal at speed. You adjust to that and you gain confidence from the miles your drive.

We all have moments like that, mine seem to have been birds: from the pheasant I ran over to the robin I found in the front grille. It happens, it's horrid and you move on.

@MissMaple82

Your husbands a dick. I'd of swerved too.. anybody who doesn't is just a c#%t

No. Anyone who wouldn't have would be a sensible driver who correctly assessed the relative risk of the road.

A couple of ducks vs. 2 carloads if people.

The first animal I ever hit when driving was an owl. I was dropping some family to the airport at night, was driving on a country road and it was just stood in the middle of the road as I came round a corner, couldn't avoid it.

To make matters worse Springwatch was on the TV at the time, it was filmed really near to where I hit the owl and they'd been following the progress if a family of owls and their chicks. Yes you've guessed it, after that night Daddy owl was strangely missing. I almost certainly killed a celebrity owl and had to watch newly single mummy owl struggle to raise her chicks on TV.

Have felt guilty for years.

@RiderGirl

The first animal I ever hit when driving was an owl. I was dropping some family to the airport at night, was driving on a country road and it was just stood in the middle of the road as I came round a corner, couldn't avoid it.

To make matters worse Springwatch was on the TV at the time, it was filmed really near to where I hit the owl and they'd been following the progress if a family of owls and their chicks. Yes you've guessed it, after that night Daddy owl was strangely missing. I almost certainly killed a celebrity owl and had to watch newly single mummy owl struggle to raise her chicks on TV.

Have felt guilty for years.

😱

You poor thing . Emotional Freedom Technique can help you move on from trauma (which is what you have experienced). I use this one:
You can just do the exercise, you don't need to to the preparation work suggested. You will be absolutely fine.

It is traumatic. It wull fade. Cant b helped.
Are you veggie or vegan ? If u eat meat animals suffer all the time and much more rhan those ducks will have done for much if the meats.we find on plates.

Aww OP, don’t beat yourself up, it sounds like the ducks wouldn’t have known anything about being hit and they didn’t suffer. I live rurally and the roads around me are covered in roadkill, it’s really sad but an inevitable consequence of living and driving in the countryside. I have swerved many animals but only when safe. I have also killed two squirrels in separate occasions. I felt terrible. My DH calls me the squirrel slayer 🤦🏻‍♀️

Please forgive yourself. The fact that you are feeling this event so deeply shows what a lovely kind person you are you have beaten yourself up enough. Time to move on

@MissMaple82

Your husbands a dick. I'd of swerved too.. anybody who doesn't is just a c#%t

Then you shouldn't be behind the wheel.

If OP's husband hadn't grabbed the wheel, she'd have been in a head-on collision with another car and would possibly have killed somoeone.

I ploughed straight into a pigeon the other day on my street. I didn't even slow down as I assumed it was just going to fly away - only it didn't. I feel very bad. But the death of a few birds is nothing if it means you don't crash into something else that would be more serious.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. It sounds like it was a quick death for the ducks. These things happen, sadly. I'm very glad you and your DH are safe.