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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ran over 2 ducks and finding the guilt unbearable

128 replies

JCFJW · 16/10/2021 21:43

I have a 7 month old and have diagnosed depression and have terrible self-esteem (they were reluctant to categorise it as PND, as I’ve had on and off severe depression all of my life) so my reaction may be over the top, but it’s really affecting me.

Was on my way home from an appointment with baby yesterday, and picked DH up from work on the way as his car failed it’s MOT earlier in the week. I’m 27 but a fairly new driver, passed just a couple of months ago. We live in a village so to get from the town where I’d been to home involves driving on a lot of windy country roads.

I came round a bend on one of these roads and then saw 2 female mallard ducks walking across the road together. I completely panicked. DH picked up on my panic and shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going (because I was doing 40, and the ducks were a couple of metres in front of me so I couldn’t have stopped), we were also very close to a new bend. The ducks were literally walking where the bend started.

For some stupid, stupid reason I ended up swerving them anyway. I don’t know why I did it as it was so fucking stupid. Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks before I then pulled over after moving past the bend a bit. This all happened within a few seconds. I was a complete state. Me and DH were both in shock but my first instinct was to go and check on baby, who was fine and gurgling away in the car seat completely unbothered.

Me and DH then went to check the damage and it was awful. Both ducks were clearly dead and it was awful. I was hysterical (in the crying sense, not laughing) and there were some blood trails on the road. I didn’t want to leave them there but DH said we’re best just leaving them in a bush for foxes to get. He grabbed a plastic bag from the car to cover his hands with, picked them both up and put them in the bush at the side of the road.

DH then had to drive home and I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I’ve been in a a state ever since. I don’t want to drive ever again, I was so fucking stupid for swerving, I could have killed my baby. I get upset thinking about the ducks because I’m an animal lover and think about the fact they probably have babies and it’s awful. My husband in a misguided attempt to cheer me up said last night “It’s a shame we didn’t bring them home, we could have had crispy duck” and he got a very, very short shrift and I shouted at him which I feel awful for. I’ve not felt this depressed in months, the whole thing seems to have triggered some deep seated emotions of self-hatred.

OP posts:
FWBNC · 16/10/2021 22:15

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Ah sorry that happened.. My dd hit a rabbit one Xmas morning.. Ruined her day tbh... The non joys of driving sadly op.. Luckily your dc is OK. Don't be too hard on yourself..
My neighbour backed over & killed their cat with his 2 dc in the car one Christmas morning. (It was asleep under the car)

Just awful.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 16/10/2021 22:15

It’s terrible at the time, OP, but you always need to think safety first, and better a duck than a person in another car, or yourself and your passengers.

It is, unfortunately, part and parcel of driving in the country - small animals seem to have a death wish and sometimes they dart into your path before you have time to do anything about it. In the past 30 years I’ve killed a pigeon, a squirrel, a rabbit and a pheasant (which got wedged in my grille 😬). I’ve avoided dozens more when I have had room to go round them, or to stop before I hit them, when conditions were safe to do so.

You’ll feel dreadful today, but you need not to let this put you off driving - you children will thank you for carrying on.

CSIblonde · 16/10/2021 22:16

But you swerved to avoid them, your DH grabbed the wheel & he hit them not you. That's awful for you. Anything like that would affect you badly, more so/especially if you are depressed etc. Try not to think about it & know you tried to avoid them. Your DH was trying to salvage things grabbing the wheel e re oncoming car, but his comments auggest he's not great on empathy. Dont be so hard on yourself OP .

MyPatronusIsACat · 16/10/2021 22:17

You didn't do it on purpose. Don't beat yourself up @JCFJW

BeagleBeagled · 16/10/2021 22:18

You are obviously a lovely, kind person. Please forgive yourself, you are all safe and the ducks wouldn't have suffered. Do a good deed tomorrow if it helps. You are all okay.

Greenrubber · 16/10/2021 22:20

We can't see what is around corners no matter how long we have been driving and how much we think we know the road!

Slow down at bends and corners so you have enough time to react! Lesson learnt hopefully

It will make you a better driver
Try not to dwell just learn from it

Original poster
JCFJW · 16/10/2021 22:21

Thank you so much for the kind posts.

I just can’t get the image of the poor things out of my mind but I’m sure time will help Sad I think I’m also probably taking the emotions relating to the thought of what could have happened to my family and reflecting them onto what actually did happen which is causing me to be in such a state. But of course it’s still horrendous and really upsetting regardless.

I really like the idea of donating to a duck sanctuary. I will look in to it. I’m also telling myself they will have been a hearty meal for another animal.

DH means well, when I initially saw the ducks I panicked and asked him what to do and I didn’t listen when he said carry on, I couldn’t bring myself to. He was trying to get me to snap out of it for the safety of us and our baby by shouting, but it unfortunately didn’t work and I still swerved.

OP posts:
Mistyplanet · 16/10/2021 22:22

I've hit a pigeon once and felt horrible about it so i can imagine you must feel terrible but it was an accident and you must forgive yourself.

CrystalBuddha · 16/10/2021 22:25

I hit a duck driving home a while back, made me feel super sick and I couldn't eat dinner that night. I still think about it on the same stretch of road when I'm driving it, nothing else to add really, just - it happens and it's horrible, hugs x

WhoisRebecca · 16/10/2021 22:25

You should never ever swerve for an animal if you’re not sure it’s safe. There could be a kid in the other car. You did what you could - do not worry x

ErrolTheDragon · 16/10/2021 22:26

Try to be kind to yourself, OP. Unfortunately some animals have no road sense. You weren't speeding or being stupid, it wasn't your fault. But it's normal to be upset by it.

I was once driving home after dark, a rabbit ran out in front with no chance for me to avoid it. That shook me.... and then a few hundred yards later a duck did likewise. Fortunately I wasn't far from home and made it back, got in and burst into tears, incapable of coherent speech.DH thought one of my parents must have died or suchlike.

godmum56 · 16/10/2021 22:27

another rural driver here. yes I got taught when I leaned to drive about the horrible moment when you have to hit an animal to avoid hitting a human. I have had to do it a couple of times and have had birds fly into the side of my car and also into the windscreen. Its always horrible.
YOU WILL GET OVER THIS..honestly you will.

JudgeJ · 16/10/2021 22:29

@somuchcoffeeneeded

I liked a rabbit once and it still haunts me a little but like you there isn’t anything I could have done. Be kind to yourself.
I happens on country roads all the time, I once got home to find a pheasant stuck in the bumper, it did quite a bit of damage too.
Lizzy1980 · 16/10/2021 22:35

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Unfortunately these things happen. As an animal lover I totally understand how you feel but you didn’t do it deliberately and it sounds like it would have all been over very quickly with little or no suffering.

tickledtiger · 16/10/2021 22:36

You and your family are ok and you didn’t have a nasty crash that’s the main thing op.

AhNowTed · 16/10/2021 22:39

It's awful but it's not your fault.

I ran over a small child. About 3 or 4. He literally stepped out in front of my car. Luckily I was in rush hour traffic, so less than 10 miles an hour. But it was enough to run him over and he had a huge bump on his head.

I took him home, took my kids home and then went back and took him to hospital.

The shock made my tongue swell up.

I also caused the death of a baby bird. I cut down a jasmine bush and unbeknownst to me there was a nest. The poor thing fell out of it.

It's awful. I feel such terrible guilt.

But none of it was meant and it was pure accident.

IfIHadAHeart · 16/10/2021 22:40

I hit a badger not long ago. These things happen 🤷🏼‍♀️

VodselForDinner · 16/10/2021 22:43

It’s very normal to be wobbly after a near-miss in a car.

It’s very sad that the ducks died but, like a previous poster, I grew up and learned to drive rurally and learning to not swerve for small wildlife was just another thing to learn. Thankfully, I’ve never hit anything bigger than a sparrow but it’s just an unfortunate fact of driving life.

This probably won’t make you feel any better but I have a pond and river on my property and ducks nest on our land. I love them but they’re literally sitting ducks and have tough lives. Between herons taking their eggs and ducklings, foxes killing ducklings and adults, mink and stoats getting them, and even females being killed by aggressive mating drakes, they’re not the most fortunate and long-lived of creatures. At least the ones you hit had a speedy death and didn’t suffer.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 22:45

Oh bless you I hope you’re okay. When your mental health is already low I think sometimes those feelings can attach to other things. It was an accident, you didn’t do it on purpose.

I hit a bird a few years back, it literally flew into my car so I couldn’t have avoided it. I remember crying to DH ‘I didn’t hit it, it hit me!’

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 16/10/2021 22:49

Are you under the care of the perinatal mental health team? If not, this would be the point at which I would be self referring or asking my GP to refer me Smile (I am at higher risk of postpartum psychosis than the general population and although thankfully this did not happen after the birth of my first child I am pregnant again now and aware that, although the risk is lower because it didn't happen the first time, there is still a risk it may happen this time around.) The perinatal team should be able to provide you with lots of support.

All major life changes are risks for depression and it doesn't actually matter if the change itself is positive or negative - so, for example, a promotion is a depression risk in a similar way to a bereavement. So in that sense PND is no different to "regular" depression. I would imagine that a prior history of depression might raise your risk for PND (though I'm not an expert). But as you are probably already aware PND is very common and there are lots of treatment options Flowers Are you having any professional mental health support at the moment from anywhere? (Perinatal teams tend to be on the better resourced side of things in terms of how much support they can give you.)

WhatAShilohPitt · 16/10/2021 22:53

Really sorry to hear you had such an awful experience. Be kind to yourself: it was a panicked moment, you had no intention of harming them and you have punished yourself too much for this accident. It’s very clear that you had absolutely no time to think or react in time and you were in a panic. You’ll just need some time to feel sad about what happened but you aren’t in any way an awful person Flowers

PoetryLaser · 16/10/2021 22:56

The positives of what happened:
You swerved into the ducks to avoid a more serious accident.
The ducks died instantly.
Unlikely that they have babies at this time of year.
You didn't damage the car(?) or hurt any human.
DH sounds like a sensible and practical man who was able to step in when you needed him.
You have probably learned a valuable driving lesson, will slow down on bends in future and if god forbid, something like this happens again, next time you would be more able to cope on your own.

What's done is done and there is no point dwelling on it.

What you MUST do now is get back in the drivers seat and force yourself to get out there again. Being a non-driving new mum with a history of depression living in a rural area sounds a recipe for disaster.

I have two friends who have never driven again after they had accidents. It's so limiting.

Most drivers has killed something once in their driving career (in my case a puppy who had got out of his garden on a dark night). It's horrible; you never forget it. You need to put what happened behind you to enable you to get on with life.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 22:56

Can you get some post-test driving lessons? I remember passing my test and not feeling safe on country roads.

I think your description of 'panicking' and then a shut down at which your passenger had to take control of the car is really worrying. You were doing 40 and encountered some wildlife. That is entirely normal.

You had your baby in the car and lost control of it. That's not ok.

I'm baffled by the replies, to be honest. You need help with being able to drive safely.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:01

@JCFJW

Thank you so much for the kind posts.

I just can’t get the image of the poor things out of my mind but I’m sure time will help Sad I think I’m also probably taking the emotions relating to the thought of what could have happened to my family and reflecting them onto what actually did happen which is causing me to be in such a state. But of course it’s still horrendous and really upsetting regardless.

I really like the idea of donating to a duck sanctuary. I will look in to it. I’m also telling myself they will have been a hearty meal for another animal.

DH means well, when I initially saw the ducks I panicked and asked him what to do and I didn’t listen when he said carry on, I couldn’t bring myself to. He was trying to get me to snap out of it for the safety of us and our baby by shouting, but it unfortunately didn’t work and I still swerved.

Really, don't donate to a duck sanctuary get yourself some more driving lessons so that you can actually drive safely without requiring a passenger to take over.

Honestly. This thread.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:04

@PoetryLaser

The positives of what happened: You swerved into the ducks to avoid a more serious accident. The ducks died instantly. Unlikely that they have babies at this time of year. You didn't damage the car(?) or hurt any human. DH sounds like a sensible and practical man who was able to step in when you needed him. You have probably learned a valuable driving lesson, will slow down on bends in future and if god forbid, something like this happens again, next time you would be more able to cope on your own.

What's done is done and there is no point dwelling on it.

What you MUST do now is get back in the drivers seat and force yourself to get out there again. Being a non-driving new mum with a history of depression living in a rural area sounds a recipe for disaster.

I have two friends who have never driven again after they had accidents. It's so limiting.

Most drivers has killed something once in their driving career (in my case a puppy who had got out of his garden on a dark night). It's horrible; you never forget it. You need to put what happened behind you to enable you to get on with life.

"You swerved into the ducks to avoid a more serious accident."

No she didn't. She 'shut down' and lost control of the car and the passenger swerved into the ducks.