Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ran over 2 ducks and finding the guilt unbearable

128 replies

JCFJW · 16/10/2021 21:43

I have a 7 month old and have diagnosed depression and have terrible self-esteem (they were reluctant to categorise it as PND, as I’ve had on and off severe depression all of my life) so my reaction may be over the top, but it’s really affecting me.

Was on my way home from an appointment with baby yesterday, and picked DH up from work on the way as his car failed it’s MOT earlier in the week. I’m 27 but a fairly new driver, passed just a couple of months ago. We live in a village so to get from the town where I’d been to home involves driving on a lot of windy country roads.

I came round a bend on one of these roads and then saw 2 female mallard ducks walking across the road together. I completely panicked. DH picked up on my panic and shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going (because I was doing 40, and the ducks were a couple of metres in front of me so I couldn’t have stopped), we were also very close to a new bend. The ducks were literally walking where the bend started.

For some stupid, stupid reason I ended up swerving them anyway. I don’t know why I did it as it was so fucking stupid. Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks before I then pulled over after moving past the bend a bit. This all happened within a few seconds. I was a complete state. Me and DH were both in shock but my first instinct was to go and check on baby, who was fine and gurgling away in the car seat completely unbothered.

Me and DH then went to check the damage and it was awful. Both ducks were clearly dead and it was awful. I was hysterical (in the crying sense, not laughing) and there were some blood trails on the road. I didn’t want to leave them there but DH said we’re best just leaving them in a bush for foxes to get. He grabbed a plastic bag from the car to cover his hands with, picked them both up and put them in the bush at the side of the road.

DH then had to drive home and I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I’ve been in a a state ever since. I don’t want to drive ever again, I was so fucking stupid for swerving, I could have killed my baby. I get upset thinking about the ducks because I’m an animal lover and think about the fact they probably have babies and it’s awful. My husband in a misguided attempt to cheer me up said last night “It’s a shame we didn’t bring them home, we could have had crispy duck” and he got a very, very short shrift and I shouted at him which I feel awful for. I’ve not felt this depressed in months, the whole thing seems to have triggered some deep seated emotions of self-hatred.

OP posts:
LadyJaye · 16/10/2021 23:52

I'm sorry, am I taking crazy pills here? Particularly with regard to the PP who said 'oh, don't worry, most drivers have killed things'?

OP, I'm very sorry you're upset, but also pleased to hear that you realise you're currently not in a good place to drive.

I hope you overcome your fears and get more training before heading out on the road again.

MountainAshley · 16/10/2021 23:54

I personally don't think that more lessons would help you; you have passed your test, and this horrible experience will make you very careful and mindful of what can happen in future.

Just because someone has passed their driving test, it does not make them a safe and confident driver.

Many people who pass the driving test can definitely improve by having more lessons.

Passing the driving test, is just the start. There is a lot more to learn.

XenoBitch · 17/10/2021 00:03

YANBU for feeling upset. These things happen. You can be the best driver in the world... but wildlife, and even our beloved pets... none are road smart, and will walk out in front of traffic without a care in the world.
Pheasants and cats... both are not road smart at all, and I swear they wait for cars to come before they cross the road.

Nat6999 · 17/10/2021 00:05

Exh ran over & killed a cat one night not long after he had passed his test, went round a hairpin bend, the cat jumped off a wall & he had no option but to hit it & run over it.

PickAChew · 17/10/2021 00:05

I remember the crunch as we ran over a squirrel, once. We were doing 70 on the A19 and the feeling would have been far worse if we'd hit another car, at that speed.

Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:01

I know I shouldn’t be driving if this kind of thing is going to happen. You don’t need to tell me. That’s what I made the post about.

In a way it’s good this happened because it’s made me realise this before a worse accident could have occurred.

Baby is a terrible sleeper and always has been. I’m sleep deprived and stressed and really depressed. I don’t think my brain is in the right state to be driving. I’ve spoken to husband and we think it’s best if I take a break from driving until I’m feeling more human then have more lessons. I’m also going to ring GP on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:03

And yes I think I will still donate to a duck sanctuary because I want to and there’s absolutely no harm in it to anybody.

OP posts:
Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:05

I also don’t think there’s any need to have a go at the posters who are being kind to me and sharing their own stories. They aren’t replying to justify my shitty driving decisions. They are comforting me by explaining there was nothing I could have done to prevent the death of the ducks regardless of whether I swerved or not and that’s something I needed to hear.

OP posts:
Pineapplepyjamas · 17/10/2021 01:11

That sucks, but thank god you are alive. Your husband was right to stop you swerving to avoid them - you could have killed yourselves and another driver. It sounds like you eat meat, so you need to reminder yourself that animals die every day for your dinner. Either their sentient beings that deserve to live or they’re not…

Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:15

I think being a new driver, having awful depression and no self-esteem, being a new mum to a demanding baby who is a bad sleeper is all a terrible combination. I don’t know how I passed in July. Baby was 4 months and seemed to be getting into more of a routine but then she went downhill again.

OP posts:
GrapeViney · 17/10/2021 01:17

OP, not driving again I think is the worst thing you can do. You're a new driver. I'm sure plenty of new drivers have had near-misses. I certainly did when I started driving. It's all about experience and confidence. Don't turn this into a big thing and refuse to drive ever again.

Maybe only drive alone for a while or have a few more lessons to get your confidence back up. Please don't stop and let this build up in your head as a big thing, you'll never drive again if you do that.

Pineapplepyjamas · 17/10/2021 01:17

Sounds like you are having a tough time. Give yourself some self love but stop driving for a while for your sake and the sake of other road users

GrapeViney · 17/10/2021 01:26

I'll add that I reread and realised your DH swerved you back in to the correct position so I guess the driving alone suggestion wouldn't be a comfortable one for you either. Can you get some more lessons or go out with just your DH and no baby in the back in that case? I still defo think that you shouldn't leave it too long and get back behind the wheel quickly. Of course take a breather for a while but if you don't drive for months you never will again. You got this!

julieca · 17/10/2021 01:30

I would be so upset OP too. But you know you couldn't help doing this.
I see you are already depressed. I think when you are depressed then one thing going wrong can really knock you. Its like you are walking on a tightrope, and one small wind can knock you off.
Be kind to yourself.

unvillage · 17/10/2021 01:40

I would be devastated too OP.

What you need to take from this is that you absolutely cannot be driving at 40 on narrow windy roads. Even roads you know well.

Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:47

I wasn’t driving too fast for the road, that’s one thing I will say. It was a national speed limit road and and I was doing 40mph generally hence why I mentioned I was doing 40mph in the post. Of course I was slowing down for bends, I usually do bends in 3rd gear in 30mph. I can’t remember what speed I was going when I saw the bend and ducks approaching. I definitely remember going down a gear and breaking but knowing I couldn’t stop to avoid hitting the ducks and it spiralled from there with my shit decision making. But I never speed round bends at 40mph and especially not with my baby in the car. I completely take responsibility for the my other decisions though.

OP posts:
Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:53

ibb.co/McVd3Jj

Pic of the exact bend for context

OP posts:
Original poster
JCFJW · 17/10/2021 01:54

I take responsibility for everything else but I wasn’t going too fast I don’t think?

OP posts:
Whoopy1 · 17/10/2021 02:35

@JCFJW

I wasn’t driving too fast for the road, that’s one thing I will say. It was a national speed limit road and and I was doing 40mph generally hence why I mentioned I was doing 40mph in the post. Of course I was slowing down for bends, I usually do bends in 3rd gear in 30mph. I can’t remember what speed I was going when I saw the bend and ducks approaching. I definitely remember going down a gear and breaking but knowing I couldn’t stop to avoid hitting the ducks and it spiralled from there with my shit decision making. But I never speed round bends at 40mph and especially not with my baby in the car. I completely take responsibility for the my other decisions though.
But the fact you hit those ducks says that you were going too fast. Just because a road has a National speed limit doesn’t mean that it is suitable to be driving at that speed. If you can’t stop within the distance you can see, you are going to fast, and in this case you couldn’t stop within that distance! As I said before, what if those ducks had been children!
Lanique · 17/10/2021 02:47

I had a similar experience - I ran over a whole flock of ducks once and I'm an experienced driver of nearly 30 years without pnd! I had a group of dd's friends in the car in their way to a party and we were on a busy main road so swerving around them or braking suddenly would have been incredibly dangerous. I didn't see the ducks until it was too late - they all ran out into the road just seconds before I got to them.

I felt absolutely awful and it will always stay with me. Don't be hard on yourself op Thanks

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 17/10/2021 02:53

This is the main reason I will never learn to drive: killing somebody, an animal or human is not a risk I am willing to take.

primrosee · 17/10/2021 03:04

I once saw a very sick bird laying on the side of the road, my hands were full with shopping bags and I lived just 2 mins away. I thought I'd drop the bags off and come back.

I completely forgot. Remembered hours later ran out and the bird was dead. I feel awful that it had no one to help her and I failed to, too.

Don't be harsh on yourself please.

PrincessNutella · 17/10/2021 03:07

Tonight I was at a Chinese restaurant. Guess what I ate? Duck. It was delicious. Please stop feeling guilty.

tickledtiger · 17/10/2021 09:30

You’ll be alright op I’m glad you’re taking a break from driving. Sensible decision. I’m sure your driving skills are just as good as anyone else’s but when you’re so sleep deprived and worse for wear it’s best to be safe.

Before my baby decided she was happy to sleep in her crib I was absolutely knackered as well and I wouldn’t have wanted to drive either.

Shade17 · 17/10/2021 09:53

Don’t beat yourself up, it happens a lot, especially if you drive rurally at night where it’s mainly rabbits. The key thing to remember is where small animals are involved, never brake or swerve. Sounds harsh but that’s the safest thing for you and other road users.