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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ran over 2 ducks and finding the guilt unbearable

128 replies

JCFJW · 16/10/2021 21:43

I have a 7 month old and have diagnosed depression and have terrible self-esteem (they were reluctant to categorise it as PND, as I’ve had on and off severe depression all of my life) so my reaction may be over the top, but it’s really affecting me.

Was on my way home from an appointment with baby yesterday, and picked DH up from work on the way as his car failed it’s MOT earlier in the week. I’m 27 but a fairly new driver, passed just a couple of months ago. We live in a village so to get from the town where I’d been to home involves driving on a lot of windy country roads.

I came round a bend on one of these roads and then saw 2 female mallard ducks walking across the road together. I completely panicked. DH picked up on my panic and shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going (because I was doing 40, and the ducks were a couple of metres in front of me so I couldn’t have stopped), we were also very close to a new bend. The ducks were literally walking where the bend started.

For some stupid, stupid reason I ended up swerving them anyway. I don’t know why I did it as it was so fucking stupid. Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks before I then pulled over after moving past the bend a bit. This all happened within a few seconds. I was a complete state. Me and DH were both in shock but my first instinct was to go and check on baby, who was fine and gurgling away in the car seat completely unbothered.

Me and DH then went to check the damage and it was awful. Both ducks were clearly dead and it was awful. I was hysterical (in the crying sense, not laughing) and there were some blood trails on the road. I didn’t want to leave them there but DH said we’re best just leaving them in a bush for foxes to get. He grabbed a plastic bag from the car to cover his hands with, picked them both up and put them in the bush at the side of the road.

DH then had to drive home and I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I’ve been in a a state ever since. I don’t want to drive ever again, I was so fucking stupid for swerving, I could have killed my baby. I get upset thinking about the ducks because I’m an animal lover and think about the fact they probably have babies and it’s awful. My husband in a misguided attempt to cheer me up said last night “It’s a shame we didn’t bring them home, we could have had crispy duck” and he got a very, very short shrift and I shouted at him which I feel awful for. I’ve not felt this depressed in months, the whole thing seems to have triggered some deep seated emotions of self-hatred.

OP posts:

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:09

And while I'm being pedantic you didn't hit the ducks. Your DH did, because you had abdicated responsibility of driving the car you were driving.

Get some more lessons for god's sake.

purpleme12 · 16/10/2021 23:11

If she wants to donate to a duck sanctuary and that will make her feel better she can do.
It's not affecting anyone else.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:12

@purpleme12

If she wants to donate to a duck sanctuary and that will make her feel better she can do. It's not affecting anyone else.

It doesn't make her any safer to drive though, does it? Currently she's clearly a liability on the road by her own admission.

Original poster

JCFJW · 16/10/2021 23:13

I’ve already said I don’t ever want to drive again and I really don’t. I know I could have harmed my baby which is enough for me.

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 16/10/2021 23:13

Did I comment on the safety of her driving? I don't think I did.
If she needs more lessons she should have them. But those are two separate things obviously

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:14

@JCFJW

I’ve already said I don’t ever want to drive again and I really don’t. I know I could have harmed my baby which is enough for me.

Good.

I'm glad you don't intend to drive again.

I hope the people who are insisting you go out and drive again without any further training are listening to you.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 23:18

@tigerinyourtank

drpaddington · 16/10/2021 23:19

I hit a swan a few years ago. Well, really it hit me, it flew in to the front of the car. There's nothing more I could have done, I saw it coming and slammed the brakes on, but as it was heading directly for the car it made no difference. I was in such a state afterwards. Not helped by the fact that it was put on the local Facebook group and people were questioning whether 'the driver' was speeding, not paying attention etc. Logically I know I couldn't possibly have avoided it, I did nothing wrong at all, but the guilt is still there.

DandyHighwayWoman · 16/10/2021 23:20

I think the most worrying thing is that you said ‘you completely shut down’ while driving. Please seek help for this.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:20

[quote Kanaloa]@tigerinyourtank

Have you not said enough? The op has said she doesn’t want to drive again and it really shook and upset her given that she is suffering badly with her mental health at the moment. What more do you want?[/quote]
What do you want from me? It's a thread about someone losing control of a car and the passenger hitting some wildlife followed by a series of 'aw hun we've all been there' responses.

How do you think it helps her mental health to pretend that she didn't do something extremely dangerous when she abdicated responsibility of the car? Hopefully it will help with her seeking mental health support far more than the enabling responses on the thread thus far.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/10/2021 23:21

Oh OP it's awful.

I hit a squirrel once and I was devastated.

Worse yet I couldn't tell if it was properly dead. Feeling it was the greater mercy I reversed back over him to ensure he was out of his misery.

I still think about it and it upsets me years later.

MountainAshley · 16/10/2021 23:21

This thread is worrying. So many people saying poor you.

Please get some more lessons, you should not be driving if you shut down and someone else has to take over. What would happen if you had nobody in the passenger seat who could take over? You can't just shut down and give up.

You can get more help so that you can be a safe and confident driver, so that you will be able to deal with situations like this.

Good luck.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 23:22

Nobody has said she didn’t do a dangerous thing or that it was good driving. Many have suggested looking at getting some help now. Multiple nasty comments is hardly going to help when she has said she doesn’t want to drive anymore and knows she needs help.

Whatwentwronghere · 16/10/2021 23:23

@tigerinyourtank I'm not sure instructors offer lessons in ensuring you hit the animal on the road.

You're a new driver op and you panicked. It could happen to anyone. It's not a driving skill issue, it's a decision making one. And one that you've probably never contemplated before.

I hadn't been driving long and was coming home from work one night. Two eyes hopped out on the road probably 50m ahead, I was doing 70, there was a car to my right, and a car going 70 behind. It all happened so fast but I knew if I emergency braked I could save the rabbit, but I chose to hit it. It sounds unthinkable, I love animals too and haven't eaten one for 25 years. But I had to choose to keep going or potentially kill someone.

Get back in the car tomorrow and go around the block. Your dh did the right thing. Now you know it happens you need to mentally prepare yourself incase you're in the car alone. That being said it's only happened once in 6 years to me.

Don't beat yourself up

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:25

@Kanaloa

I think you'll find your wrong. Read back through the thread and you'll see lots of people talking about how they had no choice but to hit an animal when driving - as per the highway code - and talking as though that's exactly the same kind of thing the OP did. None of them seemed to have clocked that that's not what she did.

She swerved into the other lane on a bend then 'shut down' forcing her passenger to swerve the car.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/10/2021 23:25

Having read the full post however without sounding horrible I think it might be an idea to step away from the car until things seem a little brighter for you.

Mental health worries are debilitating and sometimes that added pressure can make us do erratic things. You swerved the car and panicked, luckily your husband was there.

Have a few weeks off driving, focus on yourself and then try again in the new year. Could you benefit from a few pass plus lessons for a bit more confidence?

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:26

[quote Whatwentwronghere]@tigerinyourtank I'm not sure instructors offer lessons in ensuring you hit the animal on the road.

You're a new driver op and you panicked. It could happen to anyone. It's not a driving skill issue, it's a decision making one. And one that you've probably never contemplated before.

Don't beat yourself up[/quote]
Can you conceptualise a world where a driving instructor says it's ok to literally stop driving and let your passenger take over? Because that's what the thread is about.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 23:27

They are saying it isn’t unusual to hit an animal, not that it’s acceptable to swerve over the road. And you could have expressed your opinion by saying ‘this must have been upsetting op. Have you thought about further driving lessons as it sounds like unsafe driving’ rather than multiple nasty responses.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:29

@Kanaloa

I have no interest whatsoever in your tone policing.

Have you thought about not making apologies for dangerous drivers?

RAFHercules · 16/10/2021 23:33

It's autumn, your ducks won't have been sitting on eggs or raising young ones.
I hit an adult red (stag) deer and badly injured him. Had to wait while a gamekeeper came to finish him off with him bellowing away. Was horrendous.
Unfortunately it's life.
Unless you are a vegetarian, you will cause the death of chickens and ducks all the time and they will have had much less happy lives than the two that died today.
If you drive a car, you are going to kill things. It's inevitable.
If you can't be trusted not to swerve then in all honesty, I don't think you should be driving either.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 23:34

I’m not making apologies for her. I just think it’s a bit off to need to respond 4/5 times one after the other with nasty responses. You do your thing though. I imagine a helpful but measured response would have helped the op much more.

tigerinyourtank · 16/10/2021 23:36

@Kanaloa

You say "nasty" I say "factual".

You do you and "be kind" and answer to yourself when it enables death on the roads.

I'll do me, thanks.

Whoopy1 · 16/10/2021 23:39

Op, sorry but you are completely to blame for this. You don’t know what is on the road just round a corner, therefore you need to slow down to a speed you can safely stop at, if there is something on the road when you get round that corner!

You said your dh “shouted to just ignore the ducks and keep going” Then you say “I ended up swerving them anyway.” Next you say “Could then see another car approaching and completely shut down and DH grabbed the wheel and served me back onto our side of the road, hitting the ducks.” I’m sorry but there is no way logistically that this ALL could possibly have happened if as you say “I was doing 40, and ducks were a couple of metres in front of me” and “were literally walking where the bend started.”

You were driving far too fast (especially when you are an inexperienced driver), at 40mph, going round a corner. What if it had been 2 children crossing the road, rather than 2 ducks? What if your dh hadn’t been with you, to swerve the car back onto your side of the road? I’m not trying to frighten you, but you must drive within your limits. You would never forgive yourself if you killed your baby or someone else! You have been lucky this time, so hopefully this has made you more aware of the dangers of country driving and you are more careful in future.

NemoSurprise21 · 16/10/2021 23:43

I am really sorry for the horrible, upsetting experience you had.

I have been driving for 38 years and I too would have panicked, I have a hangup of hitting anyone/anything.

I don't think I would have swerved though, if I knew a car was oncoming., although I know that these things happen in split seconds, not allowing you time to think.

I live in the country too, and I am very very careful on any small roads, to the point that people behind me sometimes get annoyed. I would very rarely be doing 40mph in a country lane, especially where there are bends.

In terms of the ducks, that is incredibly upsetting, we have lost two cats to road accidents and both drivers rang us up, stayed with the bodies and were distraught; it is not the driver's fault when an animal runs out in front of you. It will take time for you to get over it.

I personally don't think that more lessons would help you; you have passed your test, and this horrible experience will make you very careful and mindful of what can happen in future.

I would urge you to get back behind the wheel asap, as driving is an important life skill, and it will not help your depression to give up and feel a failure.

The roads are dangerous generally, full stop, and accidents happen all the time. My husband is a good driver but I can't stand being a passenger as I feel that he goes too fast in country lanes and he isn't as excessively careful as I am.

It's been a horrible shock for you, but please don't let it, or some of these horrible, judgemental comments, make you stop driving.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 16/10/2021 23:48

There is nothing to could have done. I know it's sad but they sounded like silly ducks so weren't going to live very long. I'm sure the had a nice life.

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