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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder is THIS it?

104 replies

partyrings1 · 16/10/2021 20:42

I am really struggling at the moment.

I am 29, married and fed up.

I work 12 hour days all week, my weekends are cleaning and laundry, DH works 7 days a week.

I can't remember the last time he asked me out to dinner or made me feel special.

I've got to a point where I feel like I'm living in Groundhog Day.

All my life consists of is working, paying bills and sleeping.

There has got to be more to life surely? I love DH but days like today I feel like walking away. I've been sick with a cold that turned into a chest infection, he got home from work at 2 (normally is home around 6pm), he went to sleep on the sofa until 6, we had dinner and I thought we could watch the new series of YOU that's just come out but he's too tired.

Asked me why I had to give him this cold? As if I did it on purpose 🙄

I ask him to take one day off a week where we can spend time together but he says he cant. My evenings are spent alone because he plays football/coaches football/plays snooker with friends.

I dream about having a life with a little excitement, getting dressed up for dinner every now and then, maybe a nice bunch of flowers.

I mention this from time to time and he asks me what I do for him. I keep his house clean, his laundry done, I actively ask him for date nights or to cuddle up and watch something. I tell him I love him, when he's sick I look after him.

I cannot imagine my life like this for however long I've got left in the world 😢 it's making me so depressed. All he wants to do is have sex but the less we see each other and the less special I feel the less I want to be intimate with him. Is what I'm feeling normal or has our relationship run its course? I can't imagine life without him.

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 16/10/2021 20:48

I think it’s run its course, tbh.

Working 7 days a week and not spending any free evenings with you is ludicrous. I understand the tiredness but it’s not a sustainable situation for a relationship - unless in desperate need of money or establishing a new small business, he needs some downtime both for himself and to invest in your relationship. It sounds like he is not prepared to do that, or acknowledge that life isn’t ideal but (eg) could improve in the future.

All he wants to do is have sex but the less we see each other and the less special I feel the less I want to be intimate with him

Yep, would feel the same.

Ultimatum time, I think. Decide your terms and tell him to shape up or ship out.

DrSbaitso · 16/10/2021 20:52

And you're only 29?

You've told him what the problem is. He's made it clear he won't change and that you are not his priority. So this is it, unless you make changes.

Itsbeen84yearss · 16/10/2021 20:55

Crikey no. This sounds ridiculously miserable. I’m older than you and we have a lot of commitments plus kids but dh is always planning our next date night.

Strangevipers · 16/10/2021 21:03

Tell him next Saturday for example he is taking it off you are going for a meal or whatever what you want to do and you are both dressing up nice and going to attempt to enjoy a carefree and fun evening together to re kindle your relationship ! Be demanding see if that works ?

Newmummytoakitten · 16/10/2021 21:05

If you are not enjoying this life then you need to have that Frank conversation and consider moving on.

I remember asking my mum how she managed to stay with my dad for so long (got together when she was 17) and she said cause they learnt to grow and adapt together but some couples cant do this and their lives and personalities change in different directions and different rates so they drift.

I am older than you with kids but me and dh are always planning trips out together or as a family, right now we are sat together watching TV. We have our own interests which get us out of the house on our own but we also enjoy each others company.

Talk to him.... and if you cant talk maybe try writing it down? Good luck OP I hope you work this out one way or another

MargaretFaffter · 16/10/2021 21:06

Is this relationship making your life better?

Answer - no

Can it be repaired?

Answer - doesn’t sound like it

Walk away.

Elieza · 16/10/2021 21:07

If he’s choosing to spend his free time with his mates and never you then that’s who he prefers spending time with.

I’m sorry to be brutal but it sounds like he’s taking you for granted or not that into you but just wants you for a shag. Sorry.

You need to talk. It could be that the relationship has run its course. Or perhaps he hasn’t realised that you two never do anything any more.

Life shouldn’t be just work. There has to be some joy in it.

RobertaFirmino · 16/10/2021 21:08

No mention of DC so am assuming there are none. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once...

For God's sake, do not have a baby with this man!

Life will only get worse if you do. The best favour you can do yourself right now is to leave him. You deserve much better than this.

I dream about having a life with a little excitement, getting dressed up for dinner every now and then, maybe a nice bunch of flowers
This is all there, just waiting for you. I promise. You can change your life if you want to.

Cupidity · 16/10/2021 21:09

"I mention this from time to time and he asks me what I do for him."

This is so sad to read. When you mention to your dh that you'd like to spend more time together he turns it on you, and doesn't actually listen to what your needs are.

If I were you I'd have a serious think about what you do want, what you don't want, and where you are going to draw your lines. Then sit him down for a proper chat, and let him know your boundaries and expectations for this relationship. If he's not willing to compromise and change his schedule/behaviour then ask yourself if this is something you can live with forever.

On a sidenote, is there any possibility of you going out to do things the evenings he's out? A dance class, or something sociable so you can make new friends and have an life outside of him.

GoWalkabout · 16/10/2021 21:14

It's run its course and its not your fault. Can you work any less hours or try to limit the chores and fit them into weekdays or half a weekend day (don't do his) and do something you like on the weekend?

SpuduIika · 16/10/2021 21:14

Why are you both working so much? Is there a particular reason like trying to pay down big debts?

Akire · 16/10/2021 21:15

There is more to life this is no future. Are you both particularly badly paid that you need over 130 hours a week just pay the bills?
It’s doable short term for particularly goal but not when neither of you have quality Time together.

shakehandswithdanger · 16/10/2021 21:16

If he can make time for his sport hobbies, he can make time for you. I agree that it's time for an ultimatum. If he's unwilling to make changes to keep you in his life, you'll know that he doesn't think the relationship is worth fighting for.

NotYourCupOfTea · 16/10/2021 21:21

You can’t imagine life without him… I’d try a bit harder because it will be a whole lot better than it is now

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 16/10/2021 21:40

You are both working too much. But if you have no children (don’t, unless things change!) there is no reason for you to sit at home waiting for him to get back from his hobbies.

baffledcoconut · 16/10/2021 21:52

I am you in a decades time. With kids. And stuck.

Walk away. Find happiness. There is someone out there who will make you feel like you deserve to. You’ll increase in confidence and love for life by being alone and then find a good, loving, fun man who complements you.

If I can stop another woman feeling like I do, then it’ll be worth it. DO NOT think this is life. Life can be better. Don’t be me.

Luckytattie · 16/10/2021 21:56

Why is he working 7 days?
Do you take annual leave together?

He spends any free time with anyone except you. This says it all.

The relationship is done

MadameMonk · 16/10/2021 22:11

Sounds like there’s only one way for him to discover ‘what you do for him’.

Once you’ve moved out and those things don’t just magically keep happening. Some men just won’t hear it any other way.

Even if you don’t leave right now, I’d be stopping that stuff immediately. Just shrug if he asks. Say every adult you know, knows how to wash their own clothes and wipe down a kitchen.

sandragreen · 16/10/2021 22:17

I agree with PP - this has run it's course.

There's far more to life than this and I suspect you would be much happier without him.

gofg · 16/10/2021 22:18

From what I can see you are both working far too much. There is far more to life than work/money, maybe he needs to cut down his days, and you your hours and things might improve, after a serious conversation. I personally couldn't live like that.

tootiredtospeak · 16/10/2021 22:37

It sounds like he isn't making any effort but I cant agree that you keeping his house clean and doing his laundry is the same as buying him flowers and booking a meal. If you want to stay he needs a wake up call so stop doing shit for him he is a grown up and treat him. Buy him a present and say you have booked a meal or book a hotel give him some notice. His reactions will tell you everything you need to know.

HeraInTheHereAndNow · 16/10/2021 22:38

You either both need to put a lot more into the relationship or quit.

Have been with DH for 16 yrs and sent him a text whilst I was at work yesterday saying “Looking forward to spending the evening with you. Wear a suit”.

It’s not about sex. I just fancy the bloke something fearful but then he’s terribly clever and it’s so attractive!

Original poster
partyrings1 · 16/10/2021 22:51

Thank you everyone.

He has his own business, which is doing really well and survived the pandemic (thank goodness, I am really grateful for that as I know others have had it so hard).

We've been together since I was 18 and he was 20. Married at 22 and 24. No children, fertility issues.

I have no family, my parents are addicts and I had a very unsettled childhood. When I was 23 and lost the woman who basically raised me whilst my own Mum was high, I coped by buying my happiness which landed me in about £7000 of debt. I pay this off through a debt management company.

I take full responsibility and hate myself for the debt I got us into but this is his reasoning for working 7 days a week although it's been under control for years (no further debt added and I pay my instalment every single month and have done for years) I feel like he's using this to "punish" me if you will.

We rent (my wages cover rent and food) and I have nothing left over for myself. He covers all other bills and my car.

I hate this life that I'm living, I know I'm not a bad person, I am kind and caring and I have so much love to give. I try my hardest to keep him happy but nothing works. I've become addicted to sleeping tablets because I'm so miserable. I promised myself I wouldn't end up like my mother but here I am and I feel like I've let myself down.

OP posts:
Maskless · 16/10/2021 23:25

Op, you only have ONE life.

You only have ONE life.

ONE.

Please, PLEASE get out of this "relationship". Somehow he has manoeuvred you into providing domestic and sexual services, which he takes for granted.

I'm shocked, to be honest.

You can and should get out and find a better life.

Pinkchocolate · 16/10/2021 23:35

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? Is he using money to control you?
Your relationship should be bringing you comfort and laughter and love, if you’re not getting anything you need to move on. Life is too short to be so sad. Sending you strength OP.