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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder is THIS it?

104 replies

partyrings1 · 16/10/2021 20:42

I am really struggling at the moment.

I am 29, married and fed up.

I work 12 hour days all week, my weekends are cleaning and laundry, DH works 7 days a week.

I can't remember the last time he asked me out to dinner or made me feel special.

I've got to a point where I feel like I'm living in Groundhog Day.

All my life consists of is working, paying bills and sleeping.

There has got to be more to life surely? I love DH but days like today I feel like walking away. I've been sick with a cold that turned into a chest infection, he got home from work at 2 (normally is home around 6pm), he went to sleep on the sofa until 6, we had dinner and I thought we could watch the new series of YOU that's just come out but he's too tired.

Asked me why I had to give him this cold? As if I did it on purpose 🙄

I ask him to take one day off a week where we can spend time together but he says he cant. My evenings are spent alone because he plays football/coaches football/plays snooker with friends.

I dream about having a life with a little excitement, getting dressed up for dinner every now and then, maybe a nice bunch of flowers.

I mention this from time to time and he asks me what I do for him. I keep his house clean, his laundry done, I actively ask him for date nights or to cuddle up and watch something. I tell him I love him, when he's sick I look after him.

I cannot imagine my life like this for however long I've got left in the world 😢 it's making me so depressed. All he wants to do is have sex but the less we see each other and the less special I feel the less I want to be intimate with him. Is what I'm feeling normal or has our relationship run its course? I can't imagine life without him.

OP posts:
Original poster
partyrings1 · 17/10/2021 00:16

@Pinkchocolate

What are you actually getting out of this relationship? Is he using money to control you? Your relationship should be bringing you comfort and laughter and love, if you’re not getting anything you need to move on. Life is too short to be so sad. Sending you strength OP.

He has told me he will resent me until it's paid off completely. I don't feel this is justified. I made a terrible mistake whilst in a deep depression and grief and have proved myself over the years by not taking out any further debt and paying what my debt management plan arranged for me each month without fail.

Even if I treat myself to a manicure and eyebrow thread, I get it in the neck because I should "be responsible and put that money towards the debt".

I do understand that but £25 a month for myself to have my nails done and my eyebrows shaped isn't asking too much I don't think.

OP posts:
Original poster
partyrings1 · 17/10/2021 00:17

Thank you to everyone for your kind responses x

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 17/10/2021 00:21

Why do you work 12 hour days all week? Presume you mean mon-fri?

You could do something other than chores at the weekend? Surely 2 people don’t require 2 full days of housework?

SortingItOut · 17/10/2021 05:07

How does the bill split work in practice?

You paying rent and food sounds like more money than what he pays.

Do you know what he earns?

I think he is out 7 days/evenings a week to punish you. He is not a kind and caring husband if he punishes you for getting in debt when you were grieving.

I know you don't have family but you can't continue to live like this.

beastlyslumber · 17/10/2021 05:30

You're paying all the rent and food? So presumably you can manage financially without him.

He sounds like a cruel and controlling person. I think you should leave. Life's too short.

Newmummytoakitten · 17/10/2021 06:54

You may want to remind your husband of his wedding vows.... better for worse.... richer for poorer ...

If he truly loved you he would support you and have some understanding of what you have been through and if not understand empathise with you.

50sock · 17/10/2021 07:00

I know it's easier said than done, but leave! Honestly this probably will be your life, I don't think one day he is going to get an epiphany and spend more time with you, or not make nasty comments; this is it. Time to move on, take some time to yourself, and you'll find someone new at some point, someone who enjoys the same things and you make time for eachother and have fun.

I was a bit older at the time and in a miserable relationship. We had bought a house together and had a child so it was a lot to untangle and I stayed with him for longer than I should because I couldn't see a way out. It was scary leaving what I'd known for years, but I was so much happier after. Seriously, the freedom to be myself again without judgement, to not be just waiting for the next upset. 2 years later I met my now husband and couldn't wish for better. We have fun, we go out together and do new things, he loves me as I am, cares for me (and vice versa of course); but I thought I'd always be alone if I left as my soul had been zapped so much.

NotYourCupOfTea · 17/10/2021 07:19

He sounds even worse after your update, you deserve far more!

DrSbaitso · 17/10/2021 07:31

He has told me he will resent me until it's paid off completely.

No, he'll resent you long after that. He'll resent you forever. This is a loveless marriage and there's no point to it. 29 is too young to saddle yourself to someone who resents you. Hell, 99 is too young for that.

crystalize · 17/10/2021 07:49

Wait, you're paying rent and food, while him just bills? He's financially controlling as well as showing contempt for you. He sees you as beneath him. Just a housekeeper and someone to shag.

This is no life for a young woman. I know it seems scary to be on your own but there's a far better life waiting for you out there.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2021 07:58

How much are you each paying out? The split doesn’t sound fair.

He clearly isn’t going to get over your mistake, it’s driven a permanent wedge between you. It feels like you’d be better off alone. Can you start exploring options to move out? Would you get universal credit based on your own income?

MamsellMarie · 17/10/2021 07:59

I was going to say not to depend on him to make you happy - out for dinner, bunch of flowers. To be honest the odd bunch of flowers won't make a big difference imv even if you were on good terms.

But the other thing I was going to say is put yourself first and do what makes YOU happy, forget him.

You sound very sensible - start your plan - how much to rent a new place on your own, how to get a better paid job, how to save a bit quietly as you will need it. Can the debt be renegotiated to a better deal for you?
Neither of you sound happy. Perhaps leaving him will push him into sorting his life out too and you are doing him a favour. Don't feel guilt.

Saoirse82 · 17/10/2021 08:10

OP I feel so sad for you reading this. It's clear you're staying in this relationship because of your past but you're only 29 and have your whole life ahead of you, you don't want to live it like this, it's no life and you're already relying on a substance to get you through. Your 'D'H sounds like a prick, you won't find happiness in this relationship and you deserve to be happy. Don't beat yourself up about the debt and don't allow him to make you feel bad for it, thats really nasty of him to hold it against you when you already feel guilty and were clearly going through a very difficult time. I hope you find the strength to leave him and live the life you deserve Flowers

Luckytattie · 17/10/2021 08:32

How much more of the debt have you got left?

Do you pay more of the house stuff than him then?

I really think you should leave him

Polmuggle · 17/10/2021 08:32

How long till your debt is paid off op!?

mrsbyers · 17/10/2021 08:34

Hire a cleaner and start spending weekends doing stuff with your friends or enjoying things you like to do

GoodnightGrandma · 17/10/2021 08:34

You need to prepare to leave.
Get your finances sorted.
This isn’t the life you want, and you e no ties to him.
Go !

dottiedodah · 17/10/2021 08:37

As above pp says ,do not have children with this man .he is not in love with you .there are plenty more chaps .please break now .at 29 you have your whole life ahead of you.do you want to spend your 30th with him

JapanJetplane · 17/10/2021 08:39

You’re both working too hard to enjoy your lives. That’s the reality. 12 hour days and 7 day weeks leave you no time for fun, energy, enthusiasm, spontaneity etc.

Something has to give. You both need to work less, or the thing that gives will be your relationship.

Thatsplentyjack · 17/10/2021 08:42

So you've had this debt for 5/6 years, you've haven't added to it, you pay towards it every month, he's working 7 days a week to pay towards it, why is it not paid off now Confused.
Sounds like a shit life OP and he's making no attempt at spending anytime at all with you so what's the point. You sound more like roomates and he expects sex off you. Fuck that.

Luckytattie · 17/10/2021 08:43

Do we need a READ THE THREAD reminder?!

WTF475878237NC · 17/10/2021 08:44

Personally I would sit him down and tell him it's got to change. You could even read him your OP. Make a plan together to get back on track. You go through so many changes in your 20s and some people grow up together whilst others move in different directions.

I don't know if things have got so bad he won't hear it or won't step up, but you will have done all you can.

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 08:45

This is a self imposed prison

Youre 29 for fuck sake and you sound like you’re waiting to die

It’s a lot to process hit start making an escape plan at least
Even if you only indulge in it as a fantasy to keep you going at first

He is spending all his free time with anyone but you, at least get out and start making new friends and developing your interests .

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/10/2021 09:04

If he's actually said he will resent you until it's paid off then he is the type of person who will find something else to punish you with next. Oh we could have had XYZ by now but I had to pay off your debt. New washing machine? Well we can't afford it cos all our money went on your debt.

How much is left to pay off? What's the projected end date? Who's account does the payments come out of?

He sounds horrible OP, a good husband doesn't punish his wife (a good person doesn't punish anyone) especially for something she did when grieving.

Go to your GP and discuss your sleeping tablet problem. Go to a solicitor and discuss separation. I wouldn't want to try and save the marriage, he's not a nice person.

Akire · 17/10/2021 09:06

The numbers don’t add up, why is he resentful about your debt? You are paying it off and have nothing left after working 60h a week and paying rent and food. He is in theory “paying your car” but if he was paying half food and rent you would most likely have enough over to do this yourself.

Of his business is doing well where is the money going? Why is he so resentful you have whole £25 month to spend on yourself? You can beat he has plenty more than that.