To wonder is THIS it?

[partyrings1]

I am really struggling at the moment.

I am 29, married and fed up.

I work 12 hour days all week, my weekends are cleaning and laundry, DH works 7 days a week.

I can't remember the last time he asked me out to dinner or made me feel special.

I've got to a point where I feel like I'm living in Groundhog Day.

All my life consists of is working, paying bills and sleeping.

There has got to be more to life surely? I love DH but days like today I feel like walking away. I've been sick with a cold that turned into a chest infection, he got home from work at 2 (normally is home around 6pm), he went to sleep on the sofa until 6, we had dinner and I thought we could watch the new series of YOU that's just come out but he's too tired.

Asked me why I had to give him this cold? As if I did it on purpose 🙄

I ask him to take one day off a week where we can spend time together but he says he cant. My evenings are spent alone because he plays football/coaches football/plays snooker with friends.

I dream about having a life with a little excitement, getting dressed up for dinner every now and then, maybe a nice bunch of flowers.

I mention this from time to time and he asks me what I do for him. I keep his house clean, his laundry done, I actively ask him for date nights or to cuddle up and watch something. I tell him I love him, when he's sick I look after him.

I cannot imagine my life like this for however long I've got left in the world 😢 it's making me so depressed. All he wants to do is have sex but the less we see each other and the less special I feel the less I want to be intimate with him. Is what I'm feeling normal or has our relationship run its course? I can't imagine life without him.

On call sorry

I am sorry to read your update. But I do feel that I the long run it is the best thing for you to go separate ways. My worry is that he will come back, under sufferance, doing you a huge favour, and that because you are so upset, scared and ill you will take him back....and it will be another stick he uses to beat you with.

You need to contact your financial management company immediately and tell them that your circumstances have changed. That until you know what is going on that you will have to make token payments to your creditors. Then give them £1 per creditor to give out. Do not allow them to try and bully you into more. Are you using a charity? Because a lot of these debt management companies take most of your repayment. I would also ask them for an up to date statement of all your debts.
Then possibly contact someone like Stepchange who are a charity and will help you so that all your repayment goes to your creditors rather than being lost in fees.
I know you are feeling very poorly but now is the time you pull up your big girl pants and protect yourself and your future.
You are allowed to be upset and have a bit of a Pity party. But in amongst that you need to prioritise sorting out your new life. Starting with practicalities.
Whose name is on the lease? Is he planning on leaving? Run a benefits checker on Turn2us.
How is the car registered? Does he have assets, savings etc? You need to get legal advice.

Do not take any insults or abuse from him. Document everything. And don't roll over and accept crumbs. I expect you have paid for the majority of everything while he has made himself a nice little nest egg.

I started again at 29 with 2 small children and nothing. I had had financial abuse as well as mental too. And I thought I would fail. I had been told I would never succeed without him.

He was wrong. And all the blame and insults from your 'D'H have been wrong too.

This is the beginning of your new life. It is gonna be tough to start but I reckon you will finally be able to start living.

A lempsip, hug and some 💐 for you.

That's a great post from Chickmad brilliant advice. You will survive this and be ok. Be kind to yourself and take time to grieve the life you planned.

Mumsnet is brilliant for support and advice during a divorce, don't hesitate to ask for help. Just a thought as well, if you think he can access your social media accounts then change your settings.

I think if you're honest then you knew he had checked out of this relationship and you were deeply unhappy.
Stay strong and please don't blame yourself x

I was thinking this the other day OP. Especially as when I look at certain other countries, people I know have a good standard of living (ie affording houses) and go to constant parties and social occasions. Life just seems happier and more enjoyable.

That said, we are coming out of one of the most difficult periods of the last 50 years and people are emotionally exhausted, scared and worried about the future.

I deal with it by having things I enjoy doing, things to look forward to, beauty around me and enjoying each moment. I can still get on Zoom for half an hour, make a delicious meal, have fun with coworkers, sing, dance, take a walk, go for a spicy latte, etc. It’s a conscious decision to think about everything that is right instead of everything that is wrong.

Could you change job OP or work from home at all?

Oh sorry OP just read the update ignore the last post. All the best

@partyrings1

Well tonight he's split up with me and I'm heartbroken.

I didn't think I would be but I guess I've taken us for granted. No idea how I'm going to cope.

It won't feel like it now but he's done the right thing, he obviously doesn't love you.

When someone wants split up any “fault” is a convenient handle of blame. He has done you a favour in long term. You weren’t happy and you will look back one day and think thank goodness for that!

Remember you were not happy with him.
You mourn the loss of a relationship but read back your opening post.

This will be for the best

I am sorry that you're feeling crap

It doesn't feel like it now but this is a good thing. You were not living up to now. Just surviving and you deserve joy in your life.

You deserve more OP. I am guessing you raised the ongoing problems and he decided to end it? It sounds like it was a bad environment for everyone. It will be hard now but you will come out stronger. Try and remember that you also wanted to end things, so don't be upset that 'he got there first', as it's what you wanted too.

You definitely deserve better than this. You are going to be OK. You are better off without him. I suspect he ended it preemptively because he suspected that you were beginning to gather together the self-respect to start standing up for yourself, and he preferred to think of himself as the dumpee rather than the dumped so got his strike in first.

It's OK to grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought that you would have, but it isn't your fault.

You have youth, strength, power and resilience. You are going to get through this and will be in a much happier position.

OP you can move on and have a better life, independently. Do not take him back. This is how controlling, emotional abusers work. They break you down and make you feel pathetically lucky when they deign to take you back. It then gets worse and worse. Work on your independence and self esteem, you are worth much more than this, and I don't mean another man. Concentrate on yourself whilst you are young enough to strike out on your own. Good luck, you are ill, grieving, and feeling abandoned, so I don't expect you to agree just now, but if you can stay strong, and not try to rekindle the relationship, this is a good thing.

One day OP you will think this break up was a good thing. Until then it will be tough but it really is a new start for you. You can make your own decisions and do whats right for you. Somebody has already said look into using a charity based company such as Stepchange for your loan payments That way you are not paying handling fees and your payments actually clear your debt quicker. Onwards and upwards OP. Best wishescto you. xx

Was it coincidental timing or did he see your thread?

@RobertaFirmino

No mention of DC so am assuming there are none. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once...

For God's sake, do not have a baby with this man!

Life will only get worse if you do. The best favour you can do yourself right now is to leave him. You deserve much better than this.

I dream about having a life with a little excitement, getting dressed up for dinner every now and then, maybe a nice bunch of flowers
This is all there, just waiting for you. I promise. You can change your life if you want to.

This. You aren't asking for much OP. You're 29, you could easily have a life filled with days out and nice evening plans. Don't waste it on him!

“I can't imagine life without him.”

You have already been living a life without him.

He isn’t and hasn’t been physically or emotionally there for you 7 days a week.

And when he does interact with you it’s negative and abusive.

You have had a v tough upbringing and early adulthood. You deserve so much more than this.

Do you have any friends / relatives / colleagues who show you kindness, warmth and respect?

Life can be so much better than this desolate relationship. I hope that you can seek comfort and compassion elsewhere.

Once you've overcome the shock, not only will you cope but you will feel so much better without him telling you and showing you, by his behaviour, how little he respects you.

Sorry I didn't rtft, good luck in your new life

You haven't "taken us for granted"
You gave full maid service and all you got was demands for sex and a man who would rather be out with his mates than do anything with you.

It's hard now but it's for the best. You deserve to be important to the person you're with

Your life is going to be amazing without this controlling abusive man dictating how you live your life and treating you like his personal sex and house slave.

Go and see a lawyer and make sure you get 50% of everything. Your labour has enabled him to spend all his time at work and leisure while you did all the unpaid work. Don't let him get away with that any longer. You paying the rent and food sounds like way more than your fair share too, utilities don't add up to anywhere near rent costs. He's been taking financial advantage of you throughout. So get even now. The business is half yours. Make sure you get copies of everything financial, he's obviously a financial abuser too so he will try to cheat you, don't let him.

You wont recognise yourself in a years time. But please invest in therapy so you don't end up in another abusive relationship. Its impossible to spot the bad ones when you haven't had good role models in your life, you will need help with this.

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to all of you, the kindness of strangers is so important sometimes and to not be judged.

I thought I'd hit rock bottom last night, I thought about taking myself to hospital for suicidal thoughts and my aunt text me something she'd seen that said "suicide isn't about wanting to die it's about wanting a bad situation to die" and this is exactly what it is.

All of you are right, I'm grieving for who we once were but we are not that anymore and I have to accept that.

I'm so lucky to have an aunt I'm close to and friends who love me, I will lean on them. I am with stepchange and I will call them to change my payments to a lower amount for the time being whilst I get myself sorted.

Thank you again xxx

Best of luck OP x

Thank you for the update.
Onwards and Upwards.

OP, move on.

Sending love and hugs, you’ve got this x