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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder is THIS it?

104 replies

partyrings1 · 16/10/2021 20:42

I am really struggling at the moment.

I am 29, married and fed up.

I work 12 hour days all week, my weekends are cleaning and laundry, DH works 7 days a week.

I can't remember the last time he asked me out to dinner or made me feel special.

I've got to a point where I feel like I'm living in Groundhog Day.

All my life consists of is working, paying bills and sleeping.

There has got to be more to life surely? I love DH but days like today I feel like walking away. I've been sick with a cold that turned into a chest infection, he got home from work at 2 (normally is home around 6pm), he went to sleep on the sofa until 6, we had dinner and I thought we could watch the new series of YOU that's just come out but he's too tired.

Asked me why I had to give him this cold? As if I did it on purpose 🙄

I ask him to take one day off a week where we can spend time together but he says he cant. My evenings are spent alone because he plays football/coaches football/plays snooker with friends.

I dream about having a life with a little excitement, getting dressed up for dinner every now and then, maybe a nice bunch of flowers.

I mention this from time to time and he asks me what I do for him. I keep his house clean, his laundry done, I actively ask him for date nights or to cuddle up and watch something. I tell him I love him, when he's sick I look after him.

I cannot imagine my life like this for however long I've got left in the world 😢 it's making me so depressed. All he wants to do is have sex but the less we see each other and the less special I feel the less I want to be intimate with him. Is what I'm feeling normal or has our relationship run its course? I can't imagine life without him.

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 17/10/2021 09:07

You're not a married couple - he's basically your housemate!

Watchingyou2sleezes · 17/10/2021 09:08

A business owner CONSISTENTLY working 7 day weeks is not doing very well at all. The car thing - is he in a trade and has a van so the paying for your car is actually a car for when he wants to use a car and not a van?

This doesn't sound unsalvageable to me but it sounds like you're at the top of a slippery slope that could only get worse.

SmileyClare · 17/10/2021 09:08

If you're working 12 hour days all week and all your wages go on rent and food then you're being taken advantage of by your husband. And your rent must be very high.

All he pays are utility bills and council tax?

I can't help think you're exaggerating a bit because you feel fed up and ill and dh won't watch Netflix with you.

Are you really spending all weekend cleaning and doing laundry for two people? It sounds like you're hardly there in the week to make any mess!

My advice would be to find your own social life, hobbies, you could meet up with friends at the weekend? Talk to dh about how you feel ignored, either he spends some time with you or splits up. And if you do split, you have a life apart from him. It's never good to make one person responsible for your happiness

And consider seeking help for your depression/ reliance on sedatives, that is undoubtedly clouding your judgement of the whole situation.

It sounds as though you've had a tough start to life and haven't much experience of what a healthy marriage looks like? Flowers

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/10/2021 09:09

He wouldn't get any sex from me OP, I'd be off. You are way to young to be putting up with a selfish prick like this.
Your future must look pretty grim if you can't imagine life without him.
I dumped my selfish prick in my 50's and it was the best thing I ever did.

maddening · 17/10/2021 09:11

You are both working hard, how much does.each of you earn? How much debt is left? How much do you pay per month and is there any interest charged? Is this via a debt management company?

How much is the rent?

You both seem to be working hard for little return?

RAFHercules · 17/10/2021 09:24

You are so young love.
Go and talk to your GP about the sleeping tablets and see if they can sort out some support/ talking therapy for you.
Your DH is using the finance issue to manipulate you and this is ABUSE.
Personally I wouldn't put up with that, but I had a very different upbringing to you and I dont lack self esteem.
You are worth so much more.
Please don't be scared of being on your own.

DoItAfraid · 17/10/2021 09:25

@Saoirse82

OP I feel so sad for you reading this. It's clear you're staying in this relationship because of your past but you're only 29 and have your whole life ahead of you, you don't want to live it like this, it's no life and you're already relying on a substance to get you through. Your 'D'H sounds like a prick, you won't find happiness in this relationship and you deserve to be happy. Don't beat yourself up about the debt and don't allow him to make you feel bad for it, thats really nasty of him to hold it against you when you already feel guilty and were clearly going through a very difficult time. I hope you find the strength to leave him and live the life you deserve Flowers
Exactly this ^^

Please sleep to your GP about help with weaning yourself off the tablets.

Your past does not have to define your future. Your husband sounds cruel and uncaring and lacking in empathy.

You are only 29 - you have your whole life ahead of you.

Post on the relationship board and ask for advice on how to start planning your exit. You deserve much much more than this and you can have it. Flowers.

TheVanguardSix · 17/10/2021 09:41

You don't owe anyone an apology or an explanation regarding your debt, OP. Grief manifests itself in so many, many different ways and excessive spending is so common. You were trying to fill a hole. This doesn't make you a 'baddie'. This just proves that you're human. And most of the time, we react to our traumas. We don't sit around crafting appropriate responses to our pain. Grief doesn't work like that. Grief can drive us to do and say all sorts of things. Grief is trauma and trama is a teacher. You have learned from this. Be good to yourself OP.

At 30 I separated and was a lone parent. The divorce was finalised when I was 32. It was the best thing I ever did. My 30s were a transformative time for me. Getting rid of the deadwood that was my ex absolutely gave me room to grow and soar. Life wasn't perfect. And being a single mother was hard. But life was happy because I became happy within myself again. You don't have to make your husband happy. That one is on him. You work on you, OP.

You're not even 30 and your life is already emotionally bankrupt. THAT is what you need to work on, OP. And a baby is sooo not the answer here (I know that you know this, but I really want to drive this point home). Flowers

I think you'd be doing yourself the greatest favour in the world to look inside the pain and the trauma that has shaped you. I grew up with an older brother who was and is an addict. I married (a second time) a recovered addict (who wasn't recovered at all, really), so my mid-40s really became my time when I finally confronted the monkey on my back, which was not an addiction of my own but the burdens I carried, lifelong, courtesy of addiction's blast radius. You can and should confront that now and go into your 30s with the shackles loosened (they will eventually fall away but it takes commitment to yourself and a lot of self-love and respect to really shake off the pain from the past).

This isn't for us MNers here to know but for you to answer in your own time:

Why did you marry? It's a loaded question with a long answer, I am sure. Take your time to sit or walk and reflect on this. It may take days or weeks to fully understand. Because I think, in my heart, you might be at the end of this part of your life. That will be a big loss, divorce (is you choose that path), but sometimes we have to lose in order to gain the best things that otherwise might pass us by. Don't let your life pass you by OP. Flowers

TheVanguardSix · 17/10/2021 09:44

That will be a big loss, divorce (IF you choose that path)

I wrote 'is' you choose that path in my post.
AHHH MN... will there ever be that much-desired edit button... ever? One can only hope (in vain! Grin).

Original poster
partyrings1 · 17/10/2021 23:56

Well tonight he's split up with me and I'm heartbroken.

I didn't think I would be but I guess I've taken us for granted. No idea how I'm going to cope.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 18/10/2021 00:06

I'm sorry to read that. It can come as a huge shock even if you're unhappy yourself. I hope you have some real life support.

Puffalicious · 18/10/2021 00:16

You poor thing. No matter how much you know things are not right your whole world will be shifting right now. Do you have a friend you can turn to?

Clymene · 18/10/2021 00:19

I know you're feeling awful right now but this is a good thing. He was making you absolutely miserable. You will be fine without him.

Heartofglass12345 · 18/10/2021 00:24

This is a good thing. You're not there to do his laundry, clean the house and have sex with him whenever he wants. You deserve better, much much better.
It will get easier I promise Thanks

Animood · 18/10/2021 00:29

@partyrings1

Well tonight he's split up with me and I'm heartbroken.

I didn't think I would be but I guess I've taken us for granted. No idea how I'm going to cope.

You poor thing. I hope you have told your loved ones and are taking care of yourself.

You're still so young with so many happy years ahead of you.

bluebell34567 · 18/10/2021 00:34

@Heartofglass12345

This is a good thing. You're not there to do his laundry, clean the house and have sex with him whenever he wants. You deserve better, much much better. It will get easier I promise Thanks
agree. and its good that you didnt have a child with him. other wise it would be life long unhappiness with him. now you can meet someone you deserve, you are very young, but find yourself first a bit.
TheChiefJo · 18/10/2021 00:59

You ask to do things together and he asks what you do for him? So he sees spending time with you as a favour to you. He doesn't want your company but expects you to have sex with him. Oh dear. Sorry OP but that's not a good relationship.

TheChiefJo · 18/10/2021 01:02

@partyrings1

Well tonight he's split up with me and I'm heartbroken.

I didn't think I would be but I guess I've taken us for granted. No idea how I'm going to cope.

Sorry, OP. I just caught this update. I'm sorry you are heartbroken, it's an awful time. It will get better and there's every possibility that you can find that life you wanted with someone who also wants it.
Ionlydomassiveones · 18/10/2021 01:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 01:30

@partyrings1

Well tonight he's split up with me and I'm heartbroken.

I didn't think I would be but I guess I've taken us for granted. No idea how I'm going to cope.

You will cope, you are probably upset for the relationship you wish you had, and the fact it's ended now means there's no chance of things getting better and reaching that stage. But the relationship was not good, thank goodness it was ended whilst you are still young rather than dragging on. It won't feel like it now, but you will look back on this as a positive turning point in your life; one which allowed you to move on and find someone who adores you and treats you with respect. Surround yourself with friends, and although heartbreak even when things weren't good is brutal, you will get through it.
Whatwouldnanado · 18/10/2021 01:52

Has he gone? Taken his stuff? Enjoy your freedom and a fresh start. You deserve so much better. Baby steps to regain your confidence.

beastlyslumber · 18/10/2021 06:00

Don't beg him to come back. He probably expects you to do that, and probably thinks that he can scare you into never asking anything of him again. But just let him go. You will be so much happier without him. You deserve so much better. I know it's hard right now but try to see this as an opportunity. He is not a good man.

Weatherwax13 · 18/10/2021 06:14

You definitely will cope. What you're feeling now is shock and that initialpanic. 100% normal.
.It won't be long before you're thanking your lucky stars that you're rid of him and his selfish, mean attitude. Honestly.
Prioritise yourself in every single way you can for now. Keep warm, hydrated, comfortable. Basically baby yourself a bit. Don't speak to him at all until you're ready to sort out any practicalities.
If at all possible, get a friend to help you with that.
You really do deserve better.

Firesidefox · 18/10/2021 06:16

I would get out. 29 is far too young to feel like this.

DockOTheBay · 18/10/2021 06:40

Sorry to hear your are upset he had broken up with you, it must be a big shock but try to think about the positives

  • not living with someone who resents you
  • freedom to go and spend the money you earn on yourself without justifying every penny
  • less housework
  • not having to be an on cam sex servant

It will be a big adjustment but this is really a good thing, you can move on and make a better life. Has he gone or has he asked you to leave?

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