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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
Beekindbeehumble · 16/10/2021 11:22

He can:
Apply for a job nearer home
Not swim 5 nights a week
Learn to drive
Have the baby all weekend and every day in the school holidays

Cocomarine · 16/10/2021 11:22

What was he like when your toddler was a baby?

DeepaBeesKit · 16/10/2021 11:23

I do think he doesnt need to swim every day and needs to learn to drive/find another way to exercise when baby is asleep.

However I also think 6.30pm is too early a bedtime. I was in exactly the same position, and you can move things at that age but it's two shit weeks while baby gets used to it.you can't completely change an early rise-early to bed baby into a night owl, but you can budge things 30 mins. If baby won't have a 3rd afternoon nap any more (mine dropped it at 6m too), you need to make sure your early nap and after lunch nap are edging later to allow bedtime to not creep forward. 7pm bedtime is not an unreasonable ask from your DH.

Half term is coming up. Move bedtime while DH is at home to deal with the inevitable tears!!

Lunariagal · 16/10/2021 11:23

I used to be very "structured" with nap times, because I knew when they would be tired and I knew there'd be hell to pay if they didn't get enough sleep.

I wouldnt necessarily call it structure tho, I'd simply see it as working with your child's needs. Especially as you already have another child which you have to work around.

And all babies are different, just coz one is OK to be awake at 7, doesn't mean yours should.

Nahhh · 16/10/2021 11:25

I’d have more sympathy if he didn’t choose to go swimming before coming home. He needs to prioritise what’s most important to him.

MyOtherProfile · 16/10/2021 11:26

Swimming isn't the only form of exercise. He could walk or run after baby goes to bed

Still wondering how he gets to leave work at 4 though!

ElephantOfRisk · 16/10/2021 11:27

What happens at weekends OP?

Is he seeing and looking after DS then? Maybe you could go out for the day or away for a weekend and let him deal with a tired cranky baby - oh and ask him to keep him up until you get home so you can see him and come back after 7pm.

whynotwhatknot · 16/10/2021 11:28

youre living the dream are you

why dont you go away for a few days and let him cope with it all

twat

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 16/10/2021 11:28

I seriously hope he has other qualities that keep you interested in him. He is a knob from what you have described. He has deliberately chosen a job far away and is a selfish man.

Moooooooooooooooooo · 16/10/2021 11:29

He could go swimming at lunch time. Win/win all ways round.

MrsRobbieHart · 16/10/2021 11:30

Aww you’re not sharing your toy with him. How mean.

He’s an idiot. Clearly baby is an optional source of entertainment to him if he is choosing to swim instead of coming home to be a parent.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/10/2021 11:31

Baby goes to bed when it’s tired.
He is an arse.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/10/2021 11:31

And LTB.

rainyskylight · 16/10/2021 11:34

he could come home, see the baby, and then go for a run.
Jesus.

kweeble · 16/10/2021 11:34

He is being really selfish - he should come home earlier

merryhouse · 16/10/2021 11:34
  • don't follow timings when the clocks go back, then baby will be ready for bed at 7.30
  • husband puts baby to bed
WeAllHaveWings · 16/10/2021 11:35

All very well saying for his MH he needs to swim everyday and he can't move jobs. Where does your MH come into this?

The world does not revolve around him, life is about compromise, if he wants to spend time swimming he spends less time with his dc. Your baby's body clock is making them overtired at a certain time, your dh must chose to adapt his schedule to fit in with it or not. His decision.

Why is his excuse for not learning to drive?

ItsDinah · 16/10/2021 11:37

It sounds like there will always be something he blames for his poor mental health...job,driving,baby bed-time,the prospect of not being able to swim every day,you. He does not seem to have any long term plan and seems sunk in helplessness. Perhaps he needs to see his doctor about a treatment review.

DifferentHair · 16/10/2021 11:37

I am so sick of people using the concept of mental health as a smoke screen for selfish behaviour.

OP, is he seeing his GP or anyone else for mental health? Because if it is dominating his life to the point where he can't hunt for a job or go a day without swimming then he is really very impacted by it and should be seeing someone to build a treatment plan.

I'm guessing he's not actually in treatment and will never be because slapping a 'mental health' label on 'doing what I please' is doing the trick nicely for him.

I have no advice. I think you know exactly what he is and what situation you're in.

What about your mental health? Surely two can play at that game.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 16/10/2021 11:39

Too many people using 'mental health' as an excuse not to do anything to help themselves. Your DH is one of them.

He can learn to drive.
He can look for a job closer to home.
He can prioritise seeing his baby over swimming several nights a week; on those nights he could go for a run/walk/cycle ride after he spends time with the baby.
He should be doing some of the bed times and night times; you're both working.
He needs to be pulled up every time he makes a snide comment about you 'living the dream'. You're working, too. If he's jealous of your work situation, then he needs to look to fix his, not make snide comments about your job.

noblegreenk · 16/10/2021 11:39

Shocker. Yet another man who seems to think the world should revolve around him.

lemmein · 16/10/2021 11:39

The stories of the men on here are unbelievable. Would I fuck tolerate someone choosing to swim everyday rather than rush home to help with the bedtime routine. Arrogant arsehole.

As it's coming up to half term I'd leave him with the kids the whole week - bet he won't disagree with the 6:30 bedtime then.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2021 11:41

I pity the poor kids, who are taught by such a dumbo. What a chauvinistic pig. If he actually wanted to see the baby, he’d get an exercise bike or swim every other day… and learn to bloody drive.

DifferentHair · 16/10/2021 11:41

I'm guessing it's the school's pool that he's swimming in? Can't he just swim at lunch or during a break? Arrive at school 30m earlier and swim before classes.

My god. The mind boogles- there are so many alternatives available to him yet he expects his family to completely adapt to him instead.

Selfish prick.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 16/10/2021 11:41

The update makes me even more cross on your behalf op!

Swimming is not the only form of physical exercise!
Is there a reason DH has not learnt to drive?

Anyway, it’s half term soon. Make sure you’re out for a much time as you can so that your DH gets plenty of time with his dc.