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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 16/10/2021 11:05

If he "misses" your DC that much, I'd be telling him that he should do one of the night wakings as a 6 month old is unlikely to sleep through the night without waking.

ouchmyfeet · 16/10/2021 11:06

Having read the OP's update I think he is even more of selfish, self absorbed bastard than I thought previously.

2bazookas · 16/10/2021 11:07

If he wants more time with baby the answer is right there in his own hands, miss swimming and come home earlier.

Having his cake and eating it is a thing of the past now he's a dad. He has to make some sacrifices.

Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 11:08

It is an early bedtime but my older was the same - actually more like 6pm- it wasn't our preference but it's just what he needed

I would say that he can try it his way but he has to deal with it, so you hand over when he gets home and go out for your mental health for a couple of hours

LittleBearPad · 16/10/2021 11:08

My DH leaves work at 4, gets to swim every day, never does night wakes etc so his whole hard done by thing is waring thin

I’m not surprised.

He needs to learn to drive.
He can go for a run - if he needs exercise then he needs to find exercise that’s flexible and doesn’t require using a pool every day.

He’s being very selfish.

CremeEggThief · 16/10/2021 11:09

I'll go against most people on the thread and say YABU and the problem is the very early bedtime routine. Why didn't the two of you set his routine later, when you realised that your DH wouldn't see much of your DC? We used to keep our DS up until any time between 8.30-11 p.m., as IMO bonding time with a parent was much more important than early bedtime/ getting our evening back. An earlier bedtime just wasn't important until nearer school age and even then it was never before 8 p.m.

Also, why isn't he the one doing bedtime to spend more time with his DC?

category12 · 16/10/2021 11:09

I always found around 6pm was the worst time with my babies, they were so tired and fractious.

Surely he could do some other form of exercise if getting to the pool at another time is impossible?

Either that, or he could come home early a couple of days a week and miss out on swimming but see the baby - it doesn't have to be every day.

TreesoftheField · 16/10/2021 11:10

The person who is dealing with the baby all the time gets a say. At one particularly insane point of my child's life he went to bed at 4.30pm everything night. Yes annoying for his dad but I was knackered from 5 months of colic, I wasn't going to do sleep training, I was collapsing with exhaustion.

hotmeatymilk · 16/10/2021 11:11

Based on your update…

  1. He needs to learn to drive. This might also speed up his commute.
  2. Why can’t he go for a run in the evening instead of an after-work swim? You can get head torches, you’re in the countryside, it’s free. There you go, that’s his daily exercise sorted.
  3. There’s no such thing as an early bedtime or “most babies”. My baby went to bed at 5.30 or 6 til she was about 10 months old, it was the pattern she settled into. As she got older, naps impacted sleep and some nights she wouldn’t be in bed til 9 Hmm. BF’s identically aged baby did 8-8 practically from birth. Babies are humans and humans have different needs.

Your DH needs to stop passing along your MIL’s opinion, it’s really none of her business. If it weren’t upsetting for the baby I’d keep your baby up and hand a screaming overtired baby and the toddler to him when he got home from his important swim, then drive off for your own time and leave him to it.

Where’s your MH in all of this?

hotmeatymilk · 16/10/2021 11:14

I'll go against most people on the thread and say YABU and the problem is the very early bedtime routine. Why didn't the two of you set his routine later, when you realised that your DH wouldn't see much of your DC? We used to keep our DS up until any time between 8.30-11 p.m., as IMO bonding time with a parent was much more important than early bedtime/ getting our evening back.
Lucky you that your DC could cope with that. Mine couldn’t. Have you actually read the OP’s posts? We’re talking about an overtired, crying baby who wants to go to bed. The problem isn’t the bedtime, the problem is the wanker husband.

AnotherMansCause · 16/10/2021 11:15

Is there a specific reason why he doesn't have a driving licence?

letsmakethishappen · 16/10/2021 11:16

How about your mental health ??

Frlrlrubert · 16/10/2021 11:16

Ah, he can't drive, poor love.

I'm imagine if you list all the ways the 'adulting' falls to you it would be a very long list. Tell him if he wants his mummy to dictate bedtimes he should go live with her.

picklemewalnuts · 16/10/2021 11:16

Baby routines are quite changeable- I'd remind him that this is baby's current pattern, but in a couple of months it will be quite different. In fact, when he's a toddler it's likely to be 5am starts, so DH can do those and get a lovely dose of baby time then.

I do hope he takes the baby full time during school holidays? I know teachers work in the holidays, but that's his chance to organise around DS.

And don't blame MiL- she's going from what her son says, and he's telling her you're not organising you and DS's life sufficiently around DH's needs. He's a selfish man.

Goldbar · 16/10/2021 11:17

Why not hand the baby to your DH when he gets in and go for a swim yourself? Every single evening.

Then he can bond with baby over bedtime and bathtime and see for himself how well a 'less structured' approach works.

And you can have some leisure/mental health time yourself.

Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 11:17

@CremeEggThief

I'll go against most people on the thread and say YABU and the problem is the very early bedtime routine. Why didn't the two of you set his routine later, when you realised that your DH wouldn't see much of your DC? We used to keep our DS up until any time between 8.30-11 p.m., as IMO bonding time with a parent was much more important than early bedtime/ getting our evening back. An earlier bedtime just wasn't important until nearer school age and even then it was never before 8 p.m.

Also, why isn't he the one doing bedtime to spend more time with his DC?

Some babies are flexible and some are not. I had one of each - my inflexible one would just cry and fall asleep anyway if we tried to keep him up. It was not quality time. On the other hand, he was always in a beautiful sunny mood first thing so we got our quality time with him 6-8am instead. It would have been selfish to make it all about our preferences
FortunesFave · 16/10/2021 11:17

Isn't it 'our' baby and not 'my' baby?

Toastandcrumpets · 16/10/2021 11:18

He’s a dick with the swimming, but I do think it’s a strange job market at the moment for teachers.

Jangle33 · 16/10/2021 11:18

I do wonder how much your childcare person is doing to improve the nap situation. At that age they really should be sleeping at least 2/3 hours in the daytime. Therein lies the issues. I’d feel I’d want to do everything to resolve that tbh.

I also wonder on earth you’d choose to live in the middle of nowhere when only one of you drives. That seems bonkers!

Salayes · 16/10/2021 11:19

He’s in a situation entirely of his own making - refusing to learn to drive, not applying for a job closer to home - yet he expects you to change yours and the baby’s routine to suit him. And tells you you’re living the dream when he only has to go to work and do his swimming?

He sounds like he uses mental health as an excuse not to do things outside his comfort zone (drive, apply for new jobs). YANBU of course and it’s hard to know where you find the patience to put up with his insults and insistence you change to suit him when it sounds like he’s doing very little to resolve these difficulties.

Doesn’t he care that the burden of all the driving is on you?

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2021 11:19

Surely the answer to this is that baby bedtime is entirely his responsibility now?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 16/10/2021 11:20

His commute isn't that long if he can leave work at 4, go for a swim and still be home for 6.15 using public transport!!
My dh used to drive 3 hours a day!

He is taking the piss.

takealettermsjones · 16/10/2021 11:21

I'll go against most people on the thread and say YABU and the problem is the very early bedtime routine. Why didn't the two of you set his routine later, when you realised that your DH wouldn't see much of your DC? We used to keep our DS up until any time between 8.30-11 p.m., as IMO bonding time with a parent was much more important than early bedtime/ getting our evening back. An earlier bedtime just wasn't important until nearer school age and even then it was never before 8 p.m.

'Set his routine' later? There's laughing in my head. I think it's the memories of having a cranky 6 month old who completely did their own thing. OP's not trying to 'set' an early bedtime or get her evening back, she's responding to baby's needs. For some reason her husband is putting his own above the baby's and suggesting it's OP's fault.

hotmeatymilk · 16/10/2021 11:21

I also wonder on earth you’d choose to live in the middle of nowhere when only one of you drives. That seems bonkers!
Perhaps like lots of people they choose to live where they can afford to, and recognise that moving house – whether renting or buying – is much more costly and stressful than, I dunno, the lazy DH learning to drive

YellsiBabs · 16/10/2021 11:22

I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of keeping a tired baby up. Your DH is either mad or stupid or both