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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
DifferentHair · 16/10/2021 10:52

I can't believe a 38 year old doesn't realise that CAPS LOOK LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING.

I remember my grandfather used to use it randomly as well. 'Hello DifferentHair ITS BEEN A GREAT YEAR FOR DAFFODILS'

Anyway, yeah you've received some harsh words on a topic which usually attracts more sensitivity but but I think people are reacting to the way you have expressed yourself and the way you describe the dilemma, which seems to lack empathy for your partner and accountability for your own actions.

You conceived a baby even though you don't want a child, that's not good and you don't seem to have reflected on that at all.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 16/10/2021 10:53

I feel for all of you, OP. There isn’t a solution that doesn’t hurt anyone, including your children if they are happy in your present family unit. Best of luck to you all.

I stayed a long time in a happy and loving relationship with a man who didn’t want children. I thought he’d naturally change his mind as we got older and more of our friends settled down. It didn’t happen. Eventually we split up. Heartbreaking for both of us, and I ended up not having children anyway.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 10:54

@grapewine

The double standard on this site is utterly ridiculous.
It really is. Women are always responsible for the babies their partners don’t want (despite doing nothing to stop them), it’s pathetic.
C8H10N4O2 · 16/10/2021 10:55

@SoupDragon

Anyone 100% sure they don't want another child is told sterilisation is the only truly reliable option. That is the correct advice for anyone determined to permanently avoid having a child

Unless they are a woman when it is often suggested that their partner is sterilised.

No, sterilisation is always the suggestion.

Some posters will suggest that if the woman has been bearing the fertility load for 20 odd yrs its maybe time for the man to take his share of the bodily responsibility.

Anyway as PP say - I'm sure this thread started on a wet October Saturday when its quiet on 4chan will go soon.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 10:55

@SoupDragon

Anyone 100% sure they don't want another child is told sterilisation is the only truly reliable option. That is the correct advice for anyone determined to permanently avoid having a child

Unless they are a woman when it is often suggested that their partner is sterilised.

Quite
TheChiefJo · 16/10/2021 10:58

YADNBU to not want a baby an to be clear with her on that. But, as other PP have said, you need to be on the ball with contraception then. Because it is unrealistic to expect someone else to be vigilant about preventing something that they want to happen. Get the snip or break up.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:59

No, sterilisation is always the suggestion.

Yes. Often for the male partner.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/10/2021 10:59

@Porcupineintherough

Any advice? Wear a condom, each and every time. Or if the not wanting children is a perminent thing in your life, get the snip.

Dont make her do the work of preventing something she wants.

This Or get a vasectomy.
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 11:01

Women are always responsible for the babies their partners don’t want (despite doing nothing to stop them), it’s pathetic.

Please quote the bit where he says she was responsible and that he was not doing anything to stop it.

SecretSpAD · 16/10/2021 11:01

@primrosee

What is going on in this thread 🤣
Fuck knows.
knittingaddict · 16/10/2021 11:01

I can see that the op is suitably grateful for our wonderful advice. Hmm

Surely the solution is simple and obvious. Op leaves the relationship?

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:04

@knittingaddict

I can see that the op is suitably grateful for our wonderful advice. Hmm

Surely the solution is simple and obvious. Op leaves the relationship?

You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But then women wouldn’t get a kicking for wanting a baby and/or impregnating themselves so here we are.
anon12345678901 · 16/10/2021 11:04

@SoupDragon

Anyone 100% sure they don't want another child is told sterilisation is the only truly reliable option. That is the correct advice for anyone determined to permanently avoid having a child

Unless they are a woman when it is often suggested that their partner is sterilised.

It's always suggested it's the man to get a vasectomy, never on women to get sterilised. This site has large double standards at times. Hmm If she wants kids, she takes responsibility and ends the relationship as he's said he doesn't want them. She's a grown up, she can think for herself.
CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 11:05

Once she’s free she can get her grown up mind back. She has lots of options: meet someone else, use a donor, even adopting a whole brood as a lone parent if she wants to and can afford it.

Adoption isn’t something you can just do if you want to.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 11:05

Wven if this was a troll, as I suspect, this was very educational thread about the double standards here and penis hate

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/10/2021 11:06

@MushMonster

So you were exactly in the same situation as OP! Good that it worked for you. I think it will not for me, if I wanted a child together as much as the OP's post suggests.
Assuming you're replying to me. I brought the conversation up within the first couple of weeks. She gave me her opinion and answer. You cannot brush fundamentals like this under the carpet. My friend has told his wife no more children, he has a legit reason, she still wants a baby, it's festered that badly, she resents him.
Dishwashersaurous · 16/10/2021 11:06

Have you had a vasectomy

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:06

It's always suggested it's the man to get a vasectomy, never on women to get sterilised. This site has large double standards at times. hmm If she wants kids, she takes responsibility and ends the relationship as he's said he doesn't want them. She's a grown up, she can think for herself.

Why would she get sterilised if she wants more children? Surely a vasectomy is the obvious choice since he doesn’t want more? The double standards on here eh?

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:07

@Wazzzzzzzup

Wven if this was a troll, as I suspect, this was very educational thread about the double standards here and penis hate
It really has been! The women are at fault, always.
Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 11:08

It really has been! The women are at fault, always.

Lol as if. Or maybe yes. Or not? Hold on. I need to ask my DH because as a woman I can't make decision on things myself.

Idony · 16/10/2021 11:08

"She fell pregnant by accident) like I would dump you just for this comment.

Break up. There is no compromise. She deserves to be with someone who can give her what she wants.

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 11:09

@Pumperthepumper that's what you've taken from this thread? Really?

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:10

@Wazzzzzzzup

It really has been! The women are at fault, always.

Lol as if. Or maybe yes. Or not? Hold on. I need to ask my DH because as a woman I can't make decision on things myself.

Exactly! The woman must take responsibility, never the man. The man is just helpless when it comes to impregnating, poor old thing.
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:10

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Pumperthepumper that's what you've taken from this thread? Really?[/quote]
Yes.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 11:11

You are trolling us now aren't you @Pumperthepumper 😁 nice one