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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
dragonsben · 16/10/2021 11:11

@GoldChick

If she won't leave you then maybe you should leave her? So she can find someone who does want a child.
Honestly, what guarantee does she have that she will find someone else so quickly and jump straight into having babies together??? She has a small window due to age. It's not that easy to switch! It's not a bloody mortgage.
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:12

@Wazzzzzzzup

You are trolling us now aren't you *@Pumperthepumper* 😁 nice one
How am I? I’m agreeing with you! The double standards on here are sickening, posters always expect more from women.
Aderyn21 · 16/10/2021 11:13

I don't think people should be assuming that the partner's pregnancy wasn't an accident. No one can know that except her and it's entirely possible that it was unplanned and that she got excited about it, started to look forward to having a baby which was taken from her and now she's decided that she would like to try again.

This is really sad because there's no solution. If I was a man and my partner really wanted a baby I think I'd just agree because i would want them to be happy and I wouldn't want to lose them. And I know that I would love the baby. But if you know that you wouldn't, then I do agree that you should split up.
Certainly you should take care of all contraception if you do stay together and if you aren't up for getting a vasectomy (which is pretty much the only foolproof method in your control) then don't get mad or ask her to terminate a pregnancy if one does occur. I know people say that condoms are really reliable but that's only if you are properly careful.

This is a sad situation and I am sorry for you both.

dragonsben · 16/10/2021 11:14

@Dillydollydingdong

You've got one child each already. That's a family. You don't want another child with all the hard work, worry, aggravation and cash that would be involved. Just say no, and let her make the decision.
Agree
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/10/2021 11:14

@anon12345678901
In this scenario why would she get sterilised? She wants more children...

The proceedure is major surgery for women and a minor day proceedure for men so honestly if both parties dont want children the man having the proceedure makes much more sense. Risk and Recovery time is also a key consideration particularly if there are existing children and the mother is the primary caregiver.

Ultimately, i believe people should take responsibility for their own contraceptive choices. So if the sexes were reversed I'd be advising the same: take responsibility and get your contraceptive on lockdown.

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 11:14

@Pumperthepumper what like agency?

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:15

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Pumperthepumper what like agency?[/quote]
What?

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 11:15

Quite.

CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 11:16

@GoldChick

Could you encourage her to find a sperm donor?
OP would still have to be the child’s father.
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:16

@Porcupineintherough

Quite.
What like quite?
letsmakethishappen · 16/10/2021 11:18

You’re not on the same page. You want different things.Why continue the relationship??

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 11:20

The women are at fault, always.

Where has anyone said that the woman is as fault?

People have said she needs to take responsibility for her own life and whether she wants to remain in a relationship with a man who doesn't.

HouseOfFire · 16/10/2021 11:22

@GoldChick

Could you encourage her to find a sperm donor?
I would assume part of the not wanting another child is the impact of having a child.....
CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 11:23

@dworky

Why did you impregnate her when you don't want children? She deserves better, irrespective of children.
Would you ask a woman why she got pregnant when she didn’t want children and tell her her partner deserves better?

This thread is really something else.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:24

Would you ask a woman why she got pregnant when she didn’t want children

She does want children though. It’s the OP who doesn’t.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 11:24

@SoupDragon

The women are at fault, always.

Where has anyone said that the woman is as fault?

People have said she needs to take responsibility for her own life and whether she wants to remain in a relationship with a man who doesn't.

...with a man who doesn't want children
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 11:25

..with a man who doesn't want children

How can you impregnate someone if you don’t want to impregnate someone?

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 11:26

@Pumperthepumper

Would you ask a woman why she got pregnant when she didn’t want children

She does want children though. It’s the OP who doesn’t.

🙄

The point is whether you would ask the question if the sexes were reversed. But you knew that.

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 11:27

@Pumperthepumperdo you also believe that women cant get pregnant if they dont want children?

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 11:27

@Pumperthepumper

..with a man who doesn't want children

How can you impregnate someone if you don’t want to impregnate someone?

How can you let your egg get fertilised if you don't want your egg fertilised?
HouseOfFire · 16/10/2021 11:28

63 times now

Op doesn't want a child at this time may want a child on the future

He is asking about is there any hope for 2 people who want very different things...

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!
Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 11:29

This turned hilarious actually 😂

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 11:30

@Pumperthepumper

..with a man who doesn't want children

How can you impregnate someone if you don’t want to impregnate someone?

Well, you can do it if, despite taking responsibility by using a condom, the woman has put holes in it. Or torn it with a fingernail. Or just an accident. (I am not for one minute suggesting this is what happened.

But you know that and are just being ridiculous. You have double standards.

CasaBonita · 16/10/2021 11:30

I know someone who pricked holes in the condoms. It worked eventually.

Whether you stay with her or not, I think you need to have a vasectomy. It's the only way to safeguard yourself against this, now or in the future!

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/10/2021 11:30

How did she get pregnant this year if you really don't want a child? Weren't you using condoms?