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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:36

@Regularsizedrudy

She fell pregnant by accident.. you had nothing to do with that I suppose
It was an accidental pregnancy. How should he have phrased it?
FuckingFabulous · 16/10/2021 10:37

If you know you never ever want another child, you should have a vasectomy. Not secretly- tell her that's what you're doing and tell her you understand if this means you'll have to break up so she can have another child. Your wish to have no more doesn't trump her wish to have one- it just means you can't do it together. Ultimately I think the relationship is doomed, because she will always be longing. It's a hard thing to accept when you've no hope of it, and it's hard with an extra sprinkle of anger when you are fully physically able yet still prevented

RedToothBrush · 16/10/2021 10:38

Going to say it again.

The OP has also asked her to change jobs from one she loves.

Not ok.

PeanuttyButter · 16/10/2021 10:39

Did she want another baby before the loss? Loss makes the desire to be pregnant again even more, it's almost instinctual (it is with me anyway). Just bear that in mind and be kind.

With regards to your wants and feelings these are 100% valid. You are entitled to not want another child as she is equally entitled to want one. I think you both need to sit down and have a discussion and come to some sort of agreement. Agree to separate so she can have another baby or agree to stay together and you get a vasectomy etc and children are off the table. Staying in limbo is not an option. One person will always resent the other if she gets pregnant and it's not what you want, the relationship is over. If she doesn't have a baby, she may regret it and the relationship is over. If you want this woman in your life you need to let her go as a partner and keep her as a friend.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 10:40

@RedToothBrush

Going to say it again.

The OP has also asked her to change jobs from one she loves.

Not ok.

Why not if it's affecting her MH? Would you not talk to your partner in that case and suggest they change a job if it's affecting them negatively?
BreadPita · 16/10/2021 10:42

You make it clear that you don't want kids and you use contraception on your end, in addition to whatever she is using.
I don't think you need a vasectomy because you don't want kids at this moment in time.
The level of infantilisation in this thread is insane. I think there's a lot of projection flying around.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 10:43

And actually @RedToothBrush
"She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)"

Doesn't say op asked her to change job.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 16/10/2021 10:43

According to the OP, her job is affecting her mental health so I believe he suggested she changed jobs since it was affecting her so much. I think it's a sensible suggestion/advice.

Lockheart · 16/10/2021 10:43

@RedToothBrush

Going to say it again.

The OP has also asked her to change jobs from one she loves.

Not ok.

Please quote the OP where he says he has asked her to change jobs.

Not an implication you have extrapolated, where he actually says it.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:45

Please quote the OP where he says he has asked her to change jobs.

Not an implication you have extrapolated, where he actually says it.

Quite.

KT727 · 16/10/2021 10:46

You need to split up.

She will regret not having a much wanted child for the rest of her life. If you love her then either let her have a child (particularly after the loss of one recently) OR separate if that's what you'd both prefer.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 10:47

Mad how she gets herself pregnant and it’s nothing to do with you.

Cantthinkofaname21 · 16/10/2021 10:47

Condom and look into to snip.

And communicate with your partner - it’s not fair to stay in a relationship where you both want very different things. I feel for your partner she has miscarried and that experience of loss will be with her. It sounds her mental health understandably is at a low.
While it seems cruel if you don’t want a child then you shouldn’t hold onto her as it will only cause heart ache long term.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:47

@RedToothBrush

Going to say it again.

The OP has also asked her to change jobs from one she loves.

Not ok.

No he hasn’t. Stop making stuff up. It reflects badly upon you.
Lockheart · 16/10/2021 10:47

@Pumperthepumper

Mad how she gets herself pregnant and it’s nothing to do with you.
Did he say it was nothing to do with him?
NotSoNewAndShiny · 16/10/2021 10:48

Was replying to Redtoothbrush there. Forgot to quote.

From other pp, I see the OP didn't ask her to change jobs but even if he implied it, it would've been a suggestion based on the difficulties she was having at work, and a good one too. I don't see that as the OP being controlling.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:48

@Pumperthepumper

Mad how she gets herself pregnant and it’s nothing to do with you.
Please point out where he said this.
primrosee · 16/10/2021 10:49

What is going on in this thread 🤣

KT727 · 16/10/2021 10:49

Also I think it's your responsibility to make sure your partner knows you won't change your mind if that's the case and to do so very quickly. At 36, she has very little time to find someone else and it must feel pretty devastating for her.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 10:49

@primrosee

What is going on in this thread 🤣
It’ll go soon anyway, too obvious.
C8H10N4O2 · 16/10/2021 10:50

Unsurprisingly, OP has t been back. Another post from are male, that ends up in complete make bashing and them probably wondering where he's landed.

Oh come on. The poor menz routine doesn't work here.

The OP is adamant they are 100% sure they don't want a child and is stating they want their hypothetical partner to accept this and change career.

Anyone 100% sure they don't want another child is told sterilisation is the only truly reliable option. That is the correct advice for anyone determined to permanently avoid having a child.

BoredatHome321 · 16/10/2021 10:50

@HaveringWavering

I've just read someone say "I'm guessing you were relieved when your partner miscarried." It's absolutely astonishing how SOME men get treated on this forum.

Yes, that was me. What’s your issue @BoredatHome321?
He said he 100% did not want a baby. Why would he not have been relieved? It’s not a criticism, it’s an observation that if his partner was hoping that he’d come round to the idea then that has already been tested and he has not.

I just don't think we'd ever say to a women "I'm guessing you were relieved when you miscarried". I understand your point about changing his mind, just think it could've been worded better Smile
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:51

The OP is adamant they are 100% sure they don't want a child and is stating they want their hypothetical partner to accept this and change career.

Please quote the part where he states his partner should change career.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:52

Anyone 100% sure they don't want another child is told sterilisation is the only truly reliable option. That is the correct advice for anyone determined to permanently avoid having a child

Unless they are a woman when it is often suggested that their partner is sterilised.

TheresSomethingAboutAndy · 16/10/2021 10:52

@grapewine

The double standard on this site is utterly ridiculous.
Totally
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