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Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 16/10/2021 10:15

I think you are getting some harsh replies here OP.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable not to want another child.

You have been completely honest with your partner by telling her that you don't want a child and that you would not prevent her leaving to fulfill her desire with someone else.

In my opinion, contraception is the responsibility of both partners. It would be unfair for you to leave it to her but it would equally be very wrong of her to deliberately 'forget' in an effort to get pregnant. She is a grown woman not a child Confused

I have one child with my husband and decided very early on that I didn't want another. He was happy either way and has supported my decision fully. However, had he tried to guilt trip me into another child or not been able to make peace with it, I would have ended the relationship to give him that chance with someone else.

I think, as you have been completely honest with her, and it is affecting your relationship so much, it might be better for you to end the relationship.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 10:15

Lay the cards on the table
He's done that already. She clearly is unsure what to do for the best.

Some people do know that. That’s why women get sterilised and men get vasectomies
Of course, but I'm sure OP doesn't need a harpie of strangers to tell him that's an option if he is 100% certain of its definitive intentions. I'm sure he's heard of vasectomies. This thread is so patronising, it's sickening.

I dare to think what would happen if the roles were reversed.

LadyMuckington · 16/10/2021 10:16

Condoms until your appointment for the snip comes through? But realistically I think you should separate and if she won’t make that decision then you need to. You have to be cruel to be kind.

Hugoslavia · 16/10/2021 10:16

Did she want another child before she fell pregnant and lost the baby? How did you feel? It's a shame that this wasn't discussed clearly at the outset of your relationship.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 16/10/2021 10:17

@PurpleDaisies

You both have to say goodbye to each other and find others who want what you do.

They don’t have to do that. They need to work out if it’s a dealbreaker or not. Couples do work through this sort of thing. Flowers

I agree, they don't have to but according to the OP, they're both 100% on different pages. What will counselling do here? Tell them to compromise? And one ends up resenting the other?

If they're 100% want different things, then there's nothing more to do but for them to separate.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 10:17

Why is the responsibility for ending the relationship with her?
Isn't it obvious? Because she's the one not happy with the status quo!!!

2bazookas · 16/10/2021 10:17

You are perfectly right to stand your ground and not have a child with her.

If you are quite certain you want no further children then a vasectomy would be the most responsible way to go. No more accidental pregnancies. If you talk to her about that she might be able to accept how strong your own feelings are.

Lockheart · 16/10/2021 10:17

@Hugoslavia

Did she want another child before she fell pregnant and lost the baby? How did you feel? It's a shame that this wasn't discussed clearly at the outset of your relationship.
What makes you think it wasn't?
GoldChick · 16/10/2021 10:18

@vivainsomnia

Why is the responsibility for ending the relationship with her? Isn't it obvious? Because she's the one not happy with the status quo!!!
OP's not happy either from the sounds of it
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 16/10/2021 10:18

Leave her.
She needs someone who will help her fulfil her life plan.
You aren't it.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 10:20

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Leave her. She needs someone who will help her fulfil her life plan. You aren't it.
You don't know what her life plan is. You presume, from what OP has said, that her life plan definitely involves another child at the exclusion of all else, that she will never be happy without another child.

You don't know that. You shouldn't act as though you do.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 10:20

Oh and let her make her own career decisions

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 10:21

@vivainsomnia

Lay the cards on the table He's done that already. She clearly is unsure what to do for the best.

Some people do know that. That’s why women get sterilised and men get vasectomies
Of course, but I'm sure OP doesn't need a harpie of strangers to tell him that's an option if he is 100% certain of its definitive intentions. I'm sure he's heard of vasectomies. This thread is so patronising, it's sickening.

I dare to think what would happen if the roles were reversed.

Maybe we are being unfair to posters here and we will see them over the weekend telling women to get sterilised and telling them off for getting accidentally pregnant.
Inertia · 16/10/2021 10:27

Your partner has had a miscarriage and is likely to feel devastated by this, yet there’s no mention in your post of supporting one another through the grief and loss- your tone makes it sound like it was due to her carelessness.

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible, the differences in what you want are massive. There’s no meet-in-the-middle compromise, so one of you will always be resentful, and that’s no way to build a future.

If you are adamant about not wanting children, you have to be wholly responsible for your own fertility. Condoms are not 100% reliable. You need to either avoid PIV sex or look at more effective contraception such as a vasectomy.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 10:27

Despite not wanting another child he has got his partner pregnant. And is seemingly glad she lost it cos he didn't want another child. Great support after pregnancy loss
He didn't GET her pregnant. She fell pregnant and noone here but OP knows the circumstances that led to it.

Did OP say he was glad she lost it? Maybe he was relieved AND sad. How do you know he wasn't supportive?

If he was so horrible, why is she still with him?

OP's not happy either from the sounds of it
Only because she isn't moving on.

Unsurprisingly, OP has t been back. Another post from are male, that ends up in complete make bashing and them probably wondering where he's landed.

Threat after threat about racism and sexism, with very vocal advocates and yet this thread is showing to be as intolerant as it gets. Shameful.

HermioneAndRoger · 16/10/2021 10:27

If you let her, she will wait and hope that you change your mind, or that she can wear you down, or conceive accidentally again. If you are sure you never want more children then you need to have a vasectomy, but as a separate issue you need to end the relationship. There is no compromise possible and one of you will end up resenting the other.

SparklingStars10 · 16/10/2021 10:28

I agree with what others have said, if you don’t want another baby you need to take responsibility for your own contraception (condom) or more permanently (vasectomy). How did she fall pregnant before, is she on contraception herself?

Regularsizedrudy · 16/10/2021 10:28

She fell pregnant by accident.. you had nothing to do with that I suppose

Lachimolala · 16/10/2021 10:28

If you are absolutely certain you don’t want any more children and you don’t want to separate then really you need to take control of the contraception.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:29

From the nhs:
When used correctly every time you have sex, male condoms are 98% effective. This means 2 out of 100 people will become pregnant in 1 year when male condoms are used as contraception.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 10:29

Only because she isn't moving on. good point. Maybe OP should suggest she gets counciling and give it a 6 month time limit (in their head) and then end it if he can't live with her not moving on.

Beautiful3 · 16/10/2021 10:31

If you really don't want another child then I would strongly suggest, you take full responsibility for birth control. Personally I would get the snip and wear a condom for the reccomended period. If my husband and I separated and I met someone new, I would not have anymore myself. Because I'm done with kids, it's hard work, uses up all my energy and costly. I'm glad mine are over play dates, tantrums and play dates. If your partner keeps hassling you, I'm afraid you may have to separate.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/10/2021 10:31

You've posted on the wrong forum, OP ... but if you're still readoing I expect that's pretty clear by now

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 16/10/2021 10:31

@ThirdElephant

I'll do what I like.
It's glaringly obvious.
No-one has the right to decide about someone else's reproductive life. You can only decide whether you take part in it or not.
Don't beat about the bush. If you see it, say it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/10/2021 10:33

Thread after thread about racism and sexism, with very vocal advocates and yet this thread is showing to be as intolerant as it gets. Shameful

Yep Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread