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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
yesterdayisinthepast · 16/10/2021 22:06

@PurpleDaisies I agree with you 100%.

A lot of these comments are acting as if the OPs partner can not make up her own mind. People are also acting as if the OP has said to his partner that he's happy to have more kids but has then come on to MN to say 'I never want anymore kids but won't tell my partner' etc.

The OP has been very transparent and I'm not sure why people are acting as if he's trapping his parner by telling her one thing but really feeling another.
If the OPs partner does decide to stay with him, it could cause further heartbreak and resentment down the line but she's able to leave at anytime especially as she knows the OPs plans to not have anymore kids

yesterdayisinthepast · 16/10/2021 22:09

Why are people saying he should leave his partner as it's not fair on her? The OP has told her what he wants/doesn't want and has said he'd never stop her leaving to fulfill her desire to have more kids. He has even said if she does want more kids then he isn't the one for her.

How much transparent does one need to be? Is she not able to leave him? Why are people acting as if the ball is in the OPs court and she isn't in charge of her own lifeConfused

CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 22:12

@yesterdayisinthepast

Why are people saying he should leave his partner as it's not fair on her? The OP has told her what he wants/doesn't want and has said he'd never stop her leaving to fulfill her desire to have more kids. He has even said if she does want more kids then he isn't the one for her.

How much transparent does one need to be? Is she not able to leave him? Why are people acting as if the ball is in the OPs court and she isn't in charge of her own lifeConfused

Yes this. He has told her where he stands. The ball is in her court.
NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 22:19

These days if the man changes his mind they can use a needle to remove sperm from the testicles, so no reversal is even needed, @Hrpuffnstuff1 .

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 22:19

A lot of these comments are acting as if the OPs partner can not make up her own mind

I think, from observations on MN, that that's because they themselves can't really make decisions. I mean like, let's be honest, I've not seen this number of indecisive wet letucces in one place ever and I used to grow lettuce in rainy Britain😂

HeraInTheHereAndNow · 16/10/2021 22:29

Separation

It’s the only way.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 22:31

@HeraInTheHereAndNow

Separation

It’s the only way.

Is it? Couples can’t work through something like this?
Hankunamatata · 16/10/2021 22:33

I would get steralised. Then it's her decision about where the relationship goes

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/10/2021 22:39

@NeonTetras

These days if the man changes his mind they can use a needle to remove sperm from the testicles, so no reversal is even needed, *@Hrpuffnstuff1* .
I know. I'm currently in that journey ATM. There are plenty of options non are cheap, non are guaranteed.
HeraInTheHereAndNow · 16/10/2021 22:46

Apologies. I’m very matter of fact about it. I married a man who didn’t tell me he didn’t want kids til I was pregnant. He left and I had to do it by myself.

I think something THAT fundamental can’t be sorted. He doesn’t she does. Kind of binary. It’s not like one wants a cat and the other a dog.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 22:49

I think something THAT fundamental can’t be sorted.
Couples do get past it. There are posters on this thread who’ve done it.

HeraInTheHereAndNow · 16/10/2021 22:49

Should say, I remarried a man who had kids and our combined family has been wonderful 😊

HeraInTheHereAndNow · 16/10/2021 22:51

@PurpleDaisies Sorry. Didn’t realise I wasn’t allowed my own opinion. It’s a chat forum. We all have our own experiences.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 22:51

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@PurpleDaisies Sorry. Didn’t realise I wasn’t allowed my own opinion. It’s a chat forum. We all have our own experiences.[/quote]
I didn’t realise no one was allowed to disagree. Confused

CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 22:51

@NeonTetras

These days if the man changes his mind they can use a needle to remove sperm from the testicles, so no reversal is even needed, *@Hrpuffnstuff1* .
But then IVF is required. Which will need to be paid for and likely a lot more expensive than a private vasectomy.
NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 23:01

@PurpleDaisies

I think something THAT fundamental can’t be sorted. Couples do get past it. There are posters on this thread who’ve done it.
Not unless one caves and changes their mind. If party A absolutely does not want another child and party B absolutely does want another child, there is no compromising on that. You either do want to, or you don't. Unless one changes their mind, it's over. The issue to have children is such a make or break issue in a relationship. There is no compromise possible. If one does compromise, they'll almost always end up resenting the other party. Children is a dealbreaker issue in relationships.
PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 23:12

There are all sorts of reasons why people make peace with not having the number of children they hoped they’d have. Finances, health, infertility, not meeting someone, meeting someone who doesn’t want kids…

It might be a dealbreaker but it isn’t always.

monstermash14 · 16/10/2021 23:14

I was in a relationship, I asked and they said they wanted children, I had one they had two but I desperately wanted more (in the right circumstances) it turned out they didn't want more children and actually didn't like children but I was longer and longer with them and convinced myself one was enough and I was getting older so didn't want more. Fast forward ten years together and me hitting 40 I started to resent him as I realised it was now too late to have another as a big gap between children and suddenly I realised it couldn't happen and the relationship broke down. She has to have the choice to leave if having more children is important to her. I know it's hard and she will probably tell herself it's ok you and the children you have is enough but if it really is what she wants, it will eat away at her.

Winterautumn · 16/10/2021 23:26

I’m astounded at the amount of posters insinuating that the op’s partner has deliberately had an accidental pregnancy and she’ll do it again. Unwanted pregnancies happen all the time. Not all Women intentionally get pregnant and trick their partner into conceiving . Pregnancy happens, if men don’t want children get a vasectomy.

Original poster
Bteng83 · 17/10/2021 07:44

@Ednadidit

Just get a vasectomy and stop being a dickhead.
Thank you x
OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 17/10/2021 08:20

She has to have the choice to leave if having more children is important to her. I know it's hard and she will probably tell herself it's ok you and the children you have is enough but if it really is what she wants, it will eat away at her.

She does have the choice to leave. Read the OP.

vivainsomnia · 17/10/2021 08:30

why won’t you respond to the hundreds of posts saying you’re not unreasonable to not want a child, but if so, get the snip?
Maybe because he doesn't owe a bunch of men hating harpies, making him clearly feel like he is a complete shit anything for their sole selfish entertainment.

Because in all likelihood, he has considered a vasectomy himself like a big boy and if he didn't mention it, it's because he has very valid reasons.

For all you know he has suggested it to her and she went berserk and told him she was definitely leaving him if he did.

This thread is really leaving a bad taste in my mouth about MN. It has a poor reputation for being ageist and sexist and thus thread has really proven to be the case with the latter.

Justreadingtheforum3 · 17/10/2021 08:37

I've never wanted children and my husband has one from a previous relationship. I don't like hormone contraception so my husband kindly got a vasectomy. Honestly, he said it wasnt painful and didnt have any trouble after. If you really don't want kids get one done its thd best thing ever.

vivainsomnia · 17/10/2021 08:40

These days if the man changes his mind they can use a needle to remove sperm from the testicles, so no reversal is even needed
The rubbish we read here is astonishing! That's got to top it!

Unwanted pregnancies happen all the time
This close second! Happens all the time 😅. Do you mean women who fall.pregnsnt because they don't take contraception properly or at all and then claim they fell pregnant by accident because they don't want to admit the truth?

So sad how most projected here and couldn't envision that her love for OP could be as strong as her desire for a baby and that she was really struggling with the decision and that maybe just maybe, he came here to find someone whose been through the same to find out how he could support her best?

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 17/10/2021 08:43

If you won't have a child with her then you need to seperate. There is no situation where the two of you end up happy. If you can't be happy with a child, and she can't be happy without one, then it's over. One of you will grow more and more bitter and resentful with time until you grow to despise each other. Your relationship is already over if one of you doesn't back down. It'ss just a case of whether you call it quits now or waste time waiting for things to get really bad.

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