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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
KaycePollard · 16/10/2021 18:28

Neither of you is unreasonable.

But YABU if you don’t have a vasectomy or very safe and secure use of condoms, and expect your partner to be responsible for contraception.

Biancadelrioisback · 16/10/2021 18:28

Obvious answer is get the snip. If you don't want the snip I'd assume that you want to keep your options open regarding children, but just not with her? If that's the case, leave her.

Shizen · 16/10/2021 18:32

@Bteng83 why won’t you respond to the hundreds of posts saying you’re not unreasonable to not want a child, but if so, get the snip?

ohfook · 16/10/2021 18:50

Yeah take charge of contraception. I think it's very cruel to put someone else in charge of stopping something they really want.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 18:52

@ohfook

Yeah take charge of contraception. I think it's very cruel to put someone else in charge of stopping something they really want.
I agree. It doesn't have to be an operation but OP needs to be the one preventing the pregnancy.
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/10/2021 18:53

Have a vasectomy if you want no more but tell her you’re doing it so she can evaluate her future. If you have a vasectomy she will know that there will be no future “accidents”.

Ednadidit · 16/10/2021 19:07

Just get a vasectomy and stop being a dickhead.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 19:11

@ohfook

Yeah take charge of contraception. I think it's very cruel to put someone else in charge of stopping something they really want.
How do you know he isn't taking charge of contraception by using condoms?
TheWeeDonkey · 16/10/2021 19:48

Well none of us know what the fuck he's doing because he decided to post and run. Honestly if he's this communicative in his relationship maybe she would be better of without him

yesterdayisinthepast · 16/10/2021 20:02

People are saying to get a vasectomy.
Is it that you don't ever want kids or you don't ever see yourself having kids with her but could possibly have kids with someone else?

All in all, I think it's not unreasonable for pp to suggest a vasectomy. However what if you get one, your partner leaves, you meet someone else and eventually want to have kids with them? You really never know what can happen in this life but if you're sure you don't want kids with your partner or anyone else then you definitely should look into a vasectomy.

Somewhere within the thread, a poster commented saying it wouldn't be fair if your partner was to get pregnant and then you try to persuade/pressure her to get a termination. It also wouldn't be fair to raise a child who is completely unwanted from the beginning.
Please be responsible with your choiceThanks

Fluffyghost · 16/10/2021 20:30

Right hang on a minute, I got to page two before I couldn’t take it anymore.

Most women on mumsnet are horrified by the patriarchy and men feeling like they have the overriding need to tells us little women how we feel and how we should live. Yet 90% of the comments in that two pages are women telling a man that her needs to leave her because like a child she can’t possibly make a decision herself and despite the OP being crystal clear about his intentions he needs to be the one to tells her exactly what she needs by leaving because she will be incapable of seeing that for herself.

The mind boggles, it truly does.

Wrenna · 16/10/2021 20:34

The only way you will be 100% safe of never having another child is to stop having intercourse. If you are not prepared for that leave!!

Pea22ches · 16/10/2021 20:36

@TheWeeDonkey

Well none of us know what the fuck he's doing because he decided to post and run. Honestly if he's this communicative in his relationship maybe she would be better of without him
Silly comment. Perhaps if others had not of been so quick to pile on OP giving him a hard time. What's to say? MN has made their mind up
Sidehustle99 · 16/10/2021 20:41

@SoupDragon

Why are you wasting this woman's time?

She is wasting her own time, all by herself. She's a grown woman FFS!

Take responsibility for your contraception and be honest with her. Don't make it a 'you did this to us because you won't agree with me argument' please.

WFT? He said "I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child". How is that not being honest with her?

But he is wasting her time 'if' he decided he didn't want more DC after the miscarriage. He's wasted 3 years of it. An accidental Pregnancy really?

The poor woman is getting over a miscarriage while he's clapping his hands and planning to jettison unless she gets back in her box!

And yet bereavement after miscarriage is a thing.

And also yes he did paint her as emotional referencing her ability to do her job etc.

OP sounds like a right catch.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/10/2021 21:01

Vasectomies are very expensive to reverse.
Do not do that.
Condoms, might as well have sex with a carrier bag.
Horrid things.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 21:02

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Vasectomies are very expensive to reverse. Do not do that. Condoms, might as well have sex with a carrier bag. Horrid things.
So what exactly do you expect the op to do for contraception?
Sidehustle99 · 16/10/2021 21:05

But must cheaper than a divorce or child maintenance!

TheWeeDonkey · 16/10/2021 21:12

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Vasectomies are very expensive to reverse. Do not do that. Condoms, might as well have sex with a carrier bag. Horrid things.
Are vasectomies more expensive or less expensive than child maintenance?

Are condoms more comfortable or less comfortable than fathering a child you know you'll have no relationship with?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/10/2021 21:26

The problem is, if any of the contraceptive methods fail, the child will arrive anyway.

Sex=risk.

The answer is for him to set her free.

Sidehustle99 · 16/10/2021 21:31

@Hrpuffnstuff1

The problem is, if any of the contraceptive methods fail, the child will arrive anyway.

Sex=risk.

The answer is for him to set her free.

Contraception is very effective when used responsibly. I'm not sure what your point is.
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 21:37

@Hrpuffnstuff1

The problem is, if any of the contraceptive methods fail, the child will arrive anyway.

Sex=risk.

The answer is for him to set her free.

But how will he stop any future partners getting pregnant if not vasectomy or condoms?
FairySnuffs · 16/10/2021 21:44

if you don't want another child you have to end it really. It's not fair on your partner otherwise. She might spend years hoping that you'll change your mind, you won't and the longer she waits the less likely she will be able to find someone else.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 21:46

@FairySnuffs

if you don't want another child you have to end it really. It's not fair on your partner otherwise. She might spend years hoping that you'll change your mind, you won't and the longer she waits the less likely she will be able to find someone else.
Isn’t it fairer to the partner to let her decide for herself? As long as he’s clear he won’t change his mind, why shouldn’t she decide what’s more important to her?
FairySnuffs · 16/10/2021 21:53

Yup that would be the first step @PurpleDaisies

That yearning for a baby, and hoping for a partner's change of heart is just agony, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy tbh

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 21:56

@FairySnuffs

Yup that would be the first step *@PurpleDaisies*

That yearning for a baby, and hoping for a partner's change of heart is just agony, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy tbh

You were just saying the opposite. Do you want the op to dump his partner or not? Confused