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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 15:16

refuse to have sex if you don’t want a baby is exactly the advice I gave this op

Which is not the same as "refuse to have sex until he has a vasectomy" which is what I typed.

Sidehustle99 · 16/10/2021 15:17

Hi fella's

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 15:17

@SoupDragon

refuse to have sex if you don’t want a baby is exactly the advice I gave this op

Which is not the same as "refuse to have sex until he has a vasectomy" which is what I typed.

It’s the same thing. Did you read that thread I posted?
RampantIvy · 16/10/2021 15:38

Wow!
Some of the responses on here from women who are projecting massively.

Not all of us are overly broody and not all of us are women who can't understand why anyone wouldn't want more children. I am one and done myself.

This is a no win situation for either of you. You have made it clear you don't want any more children, and she either accepts that and stays with you, or accepts that and moves on to be with someone who does.

She has no right to guilt trip you into having children you don't want.

Original poster
Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 15:47

@SoupDragon

Why are you wasting this woman's time?

She is wasting her own time, all by herself. She's a grown woman FFS!

Take responsibility for your contraception and be honest with her. Don't make it a 'you did this to us because you won't agree with me argument' please.

WFT? He said "I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child". How is that not being honest with her?

Thankyou! Someone with sense!
OP posts:
londonrach · 16/10/2021 15:55

Sadly you might have to split up...yanbu re not wanting more children and she is nbu about wanting them...

DriftingBlue · 16/10/2021 16:01

If you don’t want a child, don’t have sex that could result in a child. If you are sure you are done, get a vasectomy and then you can have sex again.

TurquoiseDragon · 16/10/2021 16:09

Like others, if you really, truly, don't want another child then get a vasectomy, and make sure she knows you are doing this.

Talk with her in advance and spell it out that you don't want another child and she should not be holding any hope that you'll eventually change your mind.

There's a possibility that she has this idea in the back of her mind, that if she gets pregnant, you'll come round and accept it.

Having the talk, and the vasectomy, will shoot this notion down, then she can have a think and make her own decision as to whether she wants to be with you more than she wants a child, or if she needs to find someone else who does want a child.

I don't think you need to infantilise her by preemptively breaking up. I think this is her decision to make once you have made your position absolutely clear.

jacks11 · 16/10/2021 16:16

I think it odd that he must end the relationship because they have this difference of opinion. It is possible that this makes them permanently compatible. It’s also possible that this woman loves this man enough to make her peace with no more children, with time. There is no guarantee she will find another partner who also wants another child, after all. She might decide that what she has worth the sacrifice. Or she might not. But why on earth are we infantilising this woman by saying OP must end a relationship with someone he loves, and who he thinks loves him, over this?

Surely, his partner is also capable of deciding to end the relationship? I think they should sit down and work it out- it might be that, ultimately, this is not surmountable and they will end their relationship by mutual agreement or because one or the other decides they are not compatible. But I do think they should talk it through rather than a patronising “you must make the decision for her and end it”.

Though I do agree, OP, that you must use condoms and if you are sure you do not want more children then you should consider having a vasectomy. You can’t expect her to use contraception (unless she wants to) given the situation.

Lachimolala · 16/10/2021 16:36

So are you taking control of the contraception, it’s very unclear @Bteng83?

I know you’ve said you been very clear that you don’t want children and that if she does you’re not the one for her, but speaking from experience sometimes people think they can change your mind, or that you’ll feel differently on x date, or when x happens etc.

If that’s what you think may happen or suspect already is then morally I think you should end the relationship and be clear as to why.

Sometimes people just don’t think clearly when they want something very badly and I’d be wary of resentment and things ending badly.

Still1nLove · 16/10/2021 16:46

@Bteng83 it’s time for an open and honest discussion. Realistically, your partner doesn’t have many fertile years left where conception will happen easily.
Will she resent you in years to come if you stay together and she doesn’t have another child?
It doesn’t sound like you are stopping her from moving on an realising her dream of another child with someone else.

Maybe counselling for her or some couples therapy could help to clarify the situation and help you both to come to a decision?

ChristinaMarlowe · 16/10/2021 16:53

You don't need advice OP, you already gave the prefect response - you are not the right one for her if she really wants another child, as you don't. That's a bit sad but it's very mature and it's the right response. Let her decide based on that ultimatum but be cautious re. birth control now just in case - not casting aspersions as I don't know your SO, but if she is the type to lean towards a 'happy accident' you know that in your heart already. Either way if you are sure, stick to your guns. There are enough broken homes and unwanted children in the world and you are quite right to make your decision clear and for it to be final. Good luck

callmeadoctor · 16/10/2021 16:54

Wonder will the OP have a vasectomy then?

TheWatersofMarch · 16/10/2021 16:56

Have a vastectomy. She can then decide whether it's more important to her to stay in the relationship with you or to leave and seek a relationship with someone who wants children with her. I have two kids and spent several years yearning for another - I knew it would over stretch us financially to have a third so rationality prevailed. One day the yearning vanished - this may happen to her in time. I wish you both the best - really difficult situation.

RobertaFirmino · 16/10/2021 17:08

@SoupDragon

The OP is adamant they are 100% sure they don't want a child and is stating they want their hypothetical partner to accept this and change career.

Please quote the part where he states his partner should change career.

Yes and also the part where he says he wants her to accept this. I thought he actually said
RobertaFirmino · 16/10/2021 17:09

posted too soon...

I thought he actually said I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire but clearly, I've read it wrong.

YouJustFoldItIn · 16/10/2021 17:20

She fell pregnant by accident.. you had nothing to do with that I suppose

Of course he did. Whether he was lax with the condoms, whether he thought she was on the pill, whether they both has sex knowing full well neither was using BC, in the end what difference does it make? An accidental PG occurred. She obviously wanted it. He didn't but clearly didn't have a right to an opinion on the matter. A miscarriage happened. Sad for her, sad for him to see her sad, but probably also a relief for him.

He wants to make sure it doesn't happen again. The end.

In no part of this story is he obliged to become a father again to replace the accidental PG that was lost, when he didn't plan for it in the first place.

JBlow · 16/10/2021 17:28

Snip and clear pipes through for 14 days after before sex again

NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 17:50

OP is there a reason you aren't replying to anyone? And haven't replied to why you, who supposedly don't want a child, haven't had a 20 min snip in a GP surgery where you can return to work the very next day? I mean, if you are truly serious about not wanting a child, that would be the EASIEST solution, right? Otherwise if your DP gets pregnant, you have essentially consented to her having that child. There is the easiest (and less painful than a tooth extraction) solution for you that will mean you will never have to worry about getting any woman pregnant ever again. So can you reply and say if you've considered it?

Stompythedinosaur · 16/10/2021 17:50

You are both being unreasonable to have got into a long term relationship without having resolved this issue.

There is no solution other than breaking up, unless one of you feels the relationship is more important than your wish to have or not have another dc.

Next time talk about plans about dc a lot earlier!

Shizen · 16/10/2021 18:02

If you mean it OP, then go and get a vasectomy and tell her that’s what you are doing. Condoms are not 100% reliable and you certainly can’t expect her to take the OCP or get a coil if she actually wants a child.

Put your money where your mouth is and get the snip. You’ll soon find out if she is willing to stay with you and come to terms with having no more children, or not

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/10/2021 18:09

@Shizen

If you mean it OP, then go and get a vasectomy and tell her that’s what you are doing. Condoms are not 100% reliable and you certainly can’t expect her to take the OCP or get a coil if she actually wants a child.

Put your money where your mouth is and get the snip. You’ll soon find out if she is willing to stay with you and come to terms with having no more children, or not

This. Best for everyone if you're sure.
vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 18:15

It isn’t exactly out of order for PPs to respond by suggesting that a vasectomy might be worth considering in the circumstances
Indeed, I'm sure he has never heard of before coming here!Hmm

HouseOfFire · 16/10/2021 18:17

@Bteng83 seriously, that's it?

Murdoch1949 · 16/10/2021 18:23

If you are certain you do not want another child you should have a vasectomy. Condoms are not 100% and you could find yourself with a pregnant partner, whom you would have no right to insist on abortion. No child deserves a reluctant father.