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AIBU?

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Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 12:21

@Wazzzzzzzup

Except that no one did "oh it's typical of women" really.

The most ridiculous thing on the thread is you.
And that's actually quite an achievement in this shitstorm😂

I hope mnhq won't delete this because my petty arse will be reminding posters of their hypocrisy when they will show their double standards on another threads

All my replies have just been repeats of things people have said to me, feel free to go back and check. Except yours, which I obviously agreed with - the idea that posters here expect more of women, and that’s the double standard. Very astute of you.
DeepaBeesKit · 16/10/2021 12:22

Get a vasectomy. Explain to her that that is what you are doing & why. It's her choice is she stays with you or goes, after that.

BillMasen · 16/10/2021 12:32

@Wazzzzzzzup

Except that no one did "oh it's typical of women" really.

The most ridiculous thing on the thread is you.
And that's actually quite an achievement in this shitstorm😂

I hope mnhq won't delete this because my petty arse will be reminding posters of their hypocrisy when they will show their double standards on another threads

I’d love to do that. I always stop myself as it feels unfair to derail another posters thread to prove a point, but I can guarantee none of the posters you mean post their views on a thread the other way round. The silence is deafening
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 12:33

@BillMasen what does ‘the other way round’ mean in this context?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/10/2021 12:33

A few have totally made up their own narrative

It happens on countless threads, about fertility or not - it's just that this one's more blatant than most

It hardly seems to matter whether it was a leg-pull or not; it's been a revelation all the same

BillMasen · 16/10/2021 12:38

[quote Pumperthepumper]@BillMasen what does ‘the other way round’ mean in this context?[/quote]
It would mean a thread where a woman doesn’t want kinds but her male partner does.

I doubt there would be over 60 posts (counted by a previous poster) saying “get sterilised”, or people castigating the poster for treating her partner badly.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 12:43

@BillMasen the advice for women who don’t want more babies is always ‘get sterilised’ - the argument being you can’t force someone else to have an operation if they don’t want one.

I’ve seen loads and loads of threads where women are complaining their partners are refusing to get a vasectomy (which as we know isn’t the same as female sterilisation, is that a double standard?) even though the women have had horrible births, c-sections, tears, and all the rest. The advice is always ‘you can’t force him to get an operation he doesn’t want’, usually with a heaped dose of ‘he’s really selfish though’.

So it seems to me that your ‘double standards’ accusations comes from not treating both scenarios exactly the same even when they’re very different. What would you like the advice to women to be instead?

BillMasen · 16/10/2021 12:47

No, the advice for women who don’t want kids right now isn’t to get sterilised. This bloke doesn’t want kids right now. He’s not said ever

I agree you can’t force someone to get an op. Do you agree the op shouldn’t be pressured or told to do that?

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 12:49

@BillMasen

No, the advice for women who don’t want kids right now isn’t to get sterilised. This bloke doesn’t want kids right now. He’s not said ever

I agree you can’t force someone to get an op. Do you agree the op shouldn’t be pressured or told to do that?

You didn’t answer my question; what do you want the advice to women to be?
Moonmelodies · 16/10/2021 12:50

@GiantHaystacks2021

Break up. Get a vasectomy.
In that order?
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 12:51

The advice is always ‘you can’t force him to get an operation he doesn’t want’

No it isn't. The advice it usually "refuse to have sex with him until he does". What it very rarely is, is "get sterilised yourself"

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2021 12:58

@SoupDragon

The advice is always ‘you can’t force him to get an operation he doesn’t want’

No it isn't. The advice it usually "refuse to have sex with him until he does". What it very rarely is, is "get sterilised yourself"

refuse to have sex if you don’t want a baby is exactly the advice I gave this op. Here’s one of the many, many examples of this type:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3648054-Husband-wont-have-a-vasectomy

puddlebubble · 16/10/2021 13:11

you are being honest, she is being honest, the futures you both want are not aligned. You need to separate. It is very sad and very hard but that is too much of an issue.

TractorAndHeadphones · 16/10/2021 13:16

@vivainsomnia

He has literally said he 100% doesn’t want kids. His thread is all about not wanting more kids. Why does that need confirming before suggesting a vasectomy? Because maybe he is knows that no feelings is forever and situation changes. He doesn't want kids now. Something could happen to his living child. Who says he wouldn't want one then.

It's not because you know for sure you don't want something now doesn't mean you know 100% you'll still feel the same in 5, 10 years time.

Exactly
PrincessNutella · 16/10/2021 13:20

Do this lady a favor and break up with her. And get a vasectomy.

Laiste · 16/10/2021 13:23

291 posts from OPs 1.

Blimey.
Are they coming back i wonder?

AlfonsoTheDinosaur · 16/10/2021 13:27

You need to go your separate ways. Both parties need to agree on having a child and I would not rely on condoms as they are not 100% reliable.

Pea22ches · 16/10/2021 13:34

@BillMasen

No, the advice for women who don’t want kids right now isn’t to get sterilised. This bloke doesn’t want kids right now. He’s not said ever

I agree you can’t force someone to get an op. Do you agree the op shouldn’t be pressured or told to do that?

Yes I do. Both or them have the option to leave the relationship. It's not that simple though other wise one of them would have left already.
VestaTilley · 16/10/2021 13:52

YANBU. Be careful about contraception.

You don’t have to have a child you don’t want, but you need to be clear with her that if she really wants another you will have to split up.

LizzieW1969 · 16/10/2021 14:30

The OP did sound very definite that he didn’t want more DC, so much so that he used caps. It isn’t exactly out of order for PPs to respond by suggesting that a vasectomy might be worth considering in the circumstances.

PearlclutchersInc · 16/10/2021 14:46

Does she want a child or does she want a child with you? Either way you need to sit down and be crystal clear about what you want.

It way well be the end of the relationship so be honest with both yourelf and her.

TheWeeDonkey · 16/10/2021 14:56

@Laiste

291 posts from OPs 1.

Blimey.
Are they coming back i wonder?

I can see the DM headline now.
Sidehustle99 · 16/10/2021 15:04

Why are you wasting this woman's time?

Did you decide you didn't want kids after the accident?

Why are you painting her as an emotional wreak?

Did you come on here so you could show her the tread? I hope you got the answers you wanted then.

Take responsibility for your contraception and be honest with her. Don't make it a 'you did this to us because you won't agree with me argument' please.

CounsellorTroi · 16/10/2021 15:11

Why are you wasting this woman's time?

“Did you decide you didn't want kids after the accident?*

How do you know he hasn’t been upfront from the start?

Why are you painting her as an emotional wreak?

He hasn’t.

Did you come on here so you could show her the tread? I hope you got the answers you wanted then.

Where is your evidence for this?

Take responsibility for your contraception and be honest with her.

He has been honest with her, we don’t know he hasn’t taken responsibility for contraception.

Don't make it a 'you did this to us because you won't agree with me argument' please.

Again absolutely no evidence.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 15:14

Why are you wasting this woman's time?

She is wasting her own time, all by herself. She's a grown woman FFS!

Take responsibility for your contraception and be honest with her. Don't make it a 'you did this to us because you won't agree with me argument' please.

WFT? He said "I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child". How is that not being honest with her?

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