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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you find hardest about being a single mum?

117 replies

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 18:45

I'm potentially going to be in this situation... long story but my relationship is hanging in the balance. I have a 6 month old and a secondary school aged child. I have a FT job to go back to when mat leave ends (in January). No family nearby for support.

Am I likely to really struggle? Any tips or advice from anyone in similar situation?

OP posts:
Wineisrequired · 15/10/2021 18:51

So I’ve been a single mum for 17 years. The hardest thing I found was childcare when he was little . My bank account has only just recovered being honest. No close family to help either so that was the hardest part I found.

TeddyBeans · 15/10/2021 18:54

Not having someone to bounce important decisions off. Like when I had to move from my rented flat - whether the new flat was good enough. Looking at primaries for DS at the moment so there's huge pressure on me to make sure I pick the right one for him.

Other than that, life has been very easy. Not trying to please someone else, bringing DS up exactly how I want to. Every other weekend to myself. It's all good

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 15/10/2021 18:59

No stability, I'd be screwed if I lost my job. Dreams of homeownership are down the pan because I can't afford it on my own. Stress of finding childcare and rushing to and from childcare because there's no one else to share the pick ups (I also have no family support). No one to share the ups and downs with.

I think the main one is the lack of money and frantically trying to juggle everything. If I had money for a cleaner and could work part time, things would be easier I think.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 15/10/2021 18:59

The thing that keeps me awake at night is the knowledge that I am completely responsible for keeping my little family financially afloat.

Other than that, day to day life is much easier without my horrible ex!

MrsRobbieHart · 15/10/2021 19:01

Just the relentlessness of being the only one there to cope with everything. There is never anyone there to say “I’ll get DC from hobby tonight, you stick your feet up and have a drink”. or when they were small and I needed calpol/nappies/milk late in the evening it meant dragging tiny, tired, half sleeping, children out to the shop with me.

Also having no one to share the lovely times with. Single parent holidaying isn’t relaxing. No one to take photos of me and my DC relaxing and having fun. It only happens if you gather Dc together and ask a stranger to take your phone and hope they don’t run off with it while you wrangle your kids to face the same direction at the same time.

MrsRobbieHart · 15/10/2021 19:02

Oh yeah, and financially you never recover. Unless you get some sort of big windfall.

BiLuminous · 15/10/2021 19:05

Right now one has covid and i hate this bit. Being stuck in the house, cant go for a walk or anything. If i had a partner I could.

Mine are 9,7 & 5 and Im a full time healthcare student. Doing that during lockdown was hard.

I love being a single parent tbh so I had to scrabble around for these answers 😂

FOF44 · 15/10/2021 19:05

There are hard bits (I get lonely at times) but the positives outweigh that a million times. A shit relationship is not better than no relationship. I'm 4 years single and wondering why I'd bother to try to meet someone, at the moment my life is my own and within the constraints of having kids, I do what I want when I want.

finallyme2018 · 15/10/2021 19:08

Hardest thing about being a single mum is hearing and watching your child get upset because the other parent is not around at all. Best thing about being a single mum is not having someone ruin plans or let you all down. Whilst I get hardly any down time. I also get every best time with him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2021 19:10

Not having someone to bounce important decisions off

^^this!

It’s all on you. You can run things past other family (if you have them) of course, but it’s not like discussing with a partner.

Also bouncing little things off someone!

Burnerphone21 · 15/10/2021 19:11

I've been a single parent 10 years now. The hardest part over the years is no safety net. I discussed with a colleague the other day that (us and her dh all do the same job) who said 'well I had to come back to work full time because dh was really ill' to which I replied 'of course, you have kids and bills'.

I'm of sick and I use up all my sick leave I'm fucked. I can't claim any benefits to cover the mortgage so I have to get better. Part of me wishes I'd stayed renting at least I could get some hb!!

RedHairAndAHandMeDownRobe · 15/10/2021 19:11

Organisation is key.
I work full time and have a 6 and 15 year old. Eldest can sort himself most of the time. 6 year old goes to a childminder before and after school. It can be a rush after to get dinner done and in bed at a reasonable time for an early wake up.

I keep telling myself I will prepare dinner the night before to put the slow cooker on in the morning but it hasn't happened yet Confused

Merlotmmm · 15/10/2021 19:11

For my mum it was the relentless and never getting a break. She effectively became the mum, dad, plumber, cook, cleaner, gardener, handyman etc etc etc

We were given chores and responsibilities much younger than my friends but it all stood me in good stead for being independent. Finances were tough too.

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/10/2021 19:12

No respite. Buck stops with me. Childcare when ill or isolating. Guilt at dropping the ball so often. Exhaustion.

Burnerphone21 · 15/10/2021 19:12

Apart from that it's much easier honestly, it's Labour intense but once you get things in order and under control it's really liberating even though I've shit myself plenty of times about my bank balance in the last week of the month - at least that £7 will still be there next time I check 😂

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 19:12

Thanks everyone for all the answers so far. Just want to ask, those of you who have answered, do you have experience of being a single mum to a baby? Is this even harder? Should I delay ending my relationship until she's older?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 15/10/2021 19:12

It was the lack of money for me. The unstable housing. The teen years can be tough and draining.

SameToo · 15/10/2021 19:13

I was for about 7 years. Being poorly was the hardest. No family nearby and ex wouldn’t help.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2021 19:13

Childcare and active sabotage from the ex.

Other than that, the relief was immense.

CardiganAddict · 15/10/2021 19:13

I second / third the mentions on childcare and finances, and ultimately not having a safety net (these are all linked I guess)
I would have been fine with decent access to childcare, it would have made well paid work a lot easier to find as well as being able to freelance properly. Instead, I charged watery rates to make up for the fact I couldn't travel far and be in person much for clients. Nor could I do any form of networking outside of work hours.

Itsnotdeep · 15/10/2021 19:14

the sheer relentlessness of it all I think. The drudge, the to do list, the constant juggling (work, children, house, pets, exercise, finances, cooking, cleaning, firefighting, washing, drying, gardening, chores, activities, birthday parties, christmas, trips, illness, nits, etc etc) . It just goes on and on. It's exhausting. There's no one to share the load at all.

Halfpastfun · 15/10/2021 19:14

I'm in a similar position to you OP. My marriage is over, I'm just building up my courage and strength to leave so I don't have the experience yet. My biggest fear sounds stupid but it's being in the house alone with DC and not having another adult around if anything bad happens. I feel like I would be so vulnerable as a single woman with a child. It's irrational I know. What's scarier for me though is the thought of being married to H for another year or god forbid longer.

@MrsRobbieHart if it's any consolation, I rarely get any photos of me and DC. Asked H to take a photo of DC in the park the other day and he took about 10 and in all of them I was perfectly cut out with only my hand in a few shots. When challenged why I wasn't in the photo, apparently it wasn't "deliberate" Hmm

SethWho · 15/10/2021 19:14

Apart from the social stigma- nothing. I am very lucky that my mum and sister are super supportive and my BIL's family treat her like their own

MrsRobbieHart · 15/10/2021 19:15

@Lulu2021

Thanks everyone for all the answers so far. Just want to ask, those of you who have answered, do you have experience of being a single mum to a baby? Is this even harder? Should I delay ending my relationship until she's older?
The baby stage was the easiest stage tbh.
Mumofsend · 15/10/2021 19:15

Having to make all the big decisions by myself. Its all on me if I fuck it.

And the stigma.