To ask what you find hardest about being a single mum?

[Lulu2021]

I'm potentially going to be in this situation... long story but my relationship is hanging in the balance. I have a 6 month old and a secondary school aged child. I have a FT job to go back to when mat leave ends (in January). No family nearby for support.

Am I likely to really struggle? Any tips or advice from anyone in similar situation?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Not having someone to bounce important decisions off

^^this!

It’s all on you. You can run things past other family (if you have them) of course, but it’s not like discussing with a partner.

Also bouncing little things off someone!

See this is a positive for me. I feel strongly about certain schools etc and I would hate someone else’s input and having to compromise.

For me it's money. I juggle well, but have no major savings to speak of. Childcare is expensive and even when they get to secondary the cost doesn't stop it just changes to something else.

The bonuses though are wonderful. We are a fantastic team of three and I can model preferred behaviours with my children rather than listening to their Dad shout all the time and watch him sit on his lazy backside - this is priceless x

@Clocksandhocks

Hi OP I'm currently pregnant with my first and fiance left me a few weeks ago, I'm petrified but finding strength from somewhere. I'm on 35k but each calculator I have done shows I'm only entitled to a 25% council tax reduction and that is all, it is so confusing

I'm so sorry to hear this you will definitely find strength for your baby.

It is definitely confusing. I can only think the difference might be childcare as my costs would be £700 per month, and I have an older child too. But I'm honestly not sure as a few posters have said it doesn't sound right 🤷‍♀️ but I have honestly checked a good few times.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I can’t imagine UC will be anything like that on your salary.

My main concern in those circumstances would be the older one being the default childcare, that’s the biggest thing all my friends would say. They hated it as they were still children but expected to shoulder the responsibility of younger siblings. Life insurance and ensuring you have paid for childcare when needed would be my priority.

I hadn't thought of that. I would obviously work hard to ensure that doesn't happen but I can see how it would end up that way. I don't want that for her though...

Depends why you are ending your relationship. If there’s a serious reason it’s different to you both just drifting apart. If it’s just drifting apart I’d hang on for a couple more years tbh. Being single to young children without support is hard work. If there is some kind of serious reason then being single may well be easier.

I’ve found it both easier - my ex got us into financial difficulties- but find the sheer relentlessness of being responsible for everything hard at times. For example, I have had to work full time, no option of being a sahp or to pursue some working for myself ideas as there is no one else to join finances with. I find doing everything exhausting and mine are much older now so easier to juggle things.

And to answer a point above - I have ended up relying on my older children to help out with caring for younger ones, just because sometimes it is the only option but not ideal.

It really depends on how much support you have.
The hardest part I find is how full-on it is. I don’t really have any support so there’s no one who can watch the baby for me, nobody even to keep an eye on him while I nip to the loo- and if there’s a big mess made, obviously I’m the only one who will be sorting it out, no matter what else I’ve got to do.

Then there’s how high-conflict your ex will be. Mine is wildly unpredictable.

Still, I wouldn’t go back. And I’m glad I broke up with my ex when my son was still small, because now he doesn’t even remember his dad living with us, and he isn’t bothered by only seeing him on the weekend - because that’s normal to him.

The peace that I have from no longer living with my ex is well worth the harder aspects of being a single mum.

For UC, with the childcare allowance you are entitled 85% or childcare fees, up to a maximum of £666, so you would only get 85% of your £700 fees in your entitlement, putting your childcare costs at £105 :)

Op don't wait as it will be harder on your child then - that was the toughest bit for me

Hardest thing is the responsibility of everything - house, money, decisions and making sure dc ok

But absolutely no regrets. I am at peace which I never had when married

It's also easier having control of the atmosphere in the home rather than everyone constantly on eggshells

I am not unpredictable and don't shout and ultimately I think that gives dd the stable foundation she needs. She is absolutely thriving and doing so well at school. She knows I am a constant support and I've got her back - and we are a team .

Hi OP
My childcare costs are quoted at 1200pcm so popped that in as if baby was already here but just the one child, minimal savings too. Think I will have to phone to query

Managing work around the children. I'm very fortunate now that my job is child-friendly and flexible. In the past I've had to work longer hours and pay for childcare. When I was out of work for a short while I was worried I'd be pushed into something with unsociable hours. So yes, being a single mum and having to work is the hardest thing.

Not having the time to build support networks because I had no support network to watch my son while I make friends or support other family members so they're in a better position to support me.

I'm sure it'll get better. Im not close to any colleagues (middle aged men living with their parents) so I can't invest in those relationships.

OP, you can do it. Yes there are lots of really hard struggles. But the positives are great! My dds are both really really close to me. We have a great relationship which I hope now the eldest is at secondary will continue.

I was on my own with a 1 yr old and a 4 yr old. I also work full-time. I relocated and had to commute for 18 months a 2 HR round trip with the kids. Now that was hard! Family are a bit too far to help (they've never offered either). My house needs lots of work and that's getting me down at the moment. But, I love my life. My dds and I live in a beautiful part of the country and have lots of friends. I honestly don't miss having a man around . In fact, I think it would add to the mess/jobs!

Being constrained to the timetable of childcare hours. Can't drop off before 8 need to pick up before 5.45. Has ruled out a lot of job options for me

The crushing responsibility of both children needing and expecting everything from me. Expectations of their father are very low, and he gets away with it, while thinking he's father of the fucking year

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Childcare and active sabotage from the ex.

Other than that, the relief was immense.

This

@Takemetothe90s

I totally agree. I don't want to have to "bounce" decisions about how I raise my child off anyone else -- I'm much happier making them on my own.

As a general rule men tend to vastly over-estimate their intelligence, understanding and authority over a situation so their tendency to weigh in and opine on things like education, healthy eating or anything else that critical to a child's future is not helpful and not something I miss.

The only point where I really value men's authority on anything is DIY.

I was a single mum when I was pregnant with my eldest (now 15. Ex left when I was pregnant, and I was single until DC1 was 3). After getting my head around the fact I was on my own, navigating some of the social stigma of being a single parent, and dealing with the abuse I got from Ex, things were actually ok.

Met my now XH (I know how to pick them eh?! Actually I couldn't have foreseen anything that caused the breakdown of our marriage!) when DC1 was about 3. We split when DC1 was 12 and DC2 was 5. They're now 15 and 8.

Pros of being a single parent: house is cleaner, we have a really good routine. It's more peaceful. No more stress/worry about was XH was going to be like/do each day. I could leave money on the side and know it would still be there. I could come home from work...or wake up and come downstairs and my house wouldn't be trashed. I can make arrangements and the only reason we'd cancel would be normal reasons (like illness....not because XH has caused more fuckwittery). I know that if I don't do something then it is down to me. I was able to negotiate the hours I start/finish work to fit around childcare hours (this is rare as rocking horse shite in my profession - I'm a nurse) and I made it work. Relying on XH before we split meant that I almost lost my job because of him fucking about/disappearing off etc (I would have to drop everything and run to make sure kids were looked after). Life is a lot easier in many many ways.

Cons: it is all down to me. I have to work FT (mind you, I had to do that before as XH wasn't working, and I do love my job so no real hardship! I think it is more that I don't have the option to go PT), I have to make sure I stay as fit and healthy as possible to ensure I can keep working. I've taken out critical illness cover and life insurance to make sure my kids will be ok if anything happens to me (but then, I think it's prudent for anyone who can afford this to do this sort of thing). I think that the hard thing is the juggling....and when you have to be one place with one child and another with other child at the same time.

The kids have said that it is good as things are more peaceful, and they've learned to be more organised etc as we all have to help each other and be a team in the home.

The only thing I wish is that XH and I split sooner. I held on wanting to try absolutely everything to see if he would go back to being the man I met and married. Sadly it didn't work as he had no wish to be that person anymore. I think/am certain things would have been easier if I'd pulled the plug earlier.

You'll be just fine x

@Clocksandhocks

Hi OP My childcare costs are quoted at 1200pcm so popped that in as if baby was already here but just the one child, minimal savings too. Think I will have to phone to query

Oh that doesn't make any sense then! Yes definitely call them. Hope you get sorted x

Thank you to all who have shared experiences so far - I'm reading through and digesting it all. It feels like such a huge decision. I'm so scared...

I'm struggling also with the guilt of taking my baby away from her daddy. Although he will still be in her life they won't be under the same roof and I feel such guilt about that. Even at only 6 months she is so bonded to him, her little face lights up when he comes in the room. How could I do that to her?

I hadn't thought of that. I would obviously work hard to ensure that doesn't happen but I can see how it would end up that way. I don't want that for her though

She is now very low contact with her parents and this was one of the main reasons and not hard to understand why.

@FOF44

There are hard bits (I get lonely at times) but the positives outweigh that a million times. A shit relationship is not better than no relationship. I'm 4 years single and wondering why I'd bother to try to meet someone, at the moment my life is my own and within the constraints of having kids, I do what I want when I want.

This. I was wondering how to phrase my response but it's been stated very clearly already.

Any negatives of having to do everything yourself are hugely outweighed by the positives of knowing that you don't have to worry about whether another adult is pulling their weight.

My DC are early 20's now but I've been on my own with them since they were 4 & 2, except for 2 years when we lived with my ex DP. On the whole I enjoyed bringing them up alone. The hardest thing was managing on one income. I was lucky in that I heard lots of support from my parents with childcare, it would have been harder without that.