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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you find hardest about being a single mum?

117 replies

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 18:45

I'm potentially going to be in this situation... long story but my relationship is hanging in the balance. I have a 6 month old and a secondary school aged child. I have a FT job to go back to when mat leave ends (in January). No family nearby for support.

Am I likely to really struggle? Any tips or advice from anyone in similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 10:28

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I hadn't thought of that. I would obviously work hard to ensure that doesn't happen but I can see how it would end up that way. I don't want that for her though

She is now very low contact with her parents and this was one of the main reasons and not hard to understand why.

Yeah. I'm not sure this is massively helpful tbh. It's just adding to my anxiety and it's the only response on this throws that's done that.

DD1 and I are incredibly, incredibly close. I can't imagine a planet on which she decides she's having low contact with me because she baby sat her baby sibling a few times. Your friend's situation must have been very different I imagine, with other factors driving the poor relationship with her and her parents. DD1 and I have a very secure and close relationship to begin with. I'm sure we will always be so. Thanks for your input, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 10:29

*thread not throws

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 10:30

Can anyone offer any advice or experiences re the guilt of taking your baby away from their father? I can't cope with it. Her little face lights up when he's in the room. How can I do that to her???

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 10:37

@Cookiemonster92

Thank you - it's so confusing! So my entitlement would be £595 a month then ? I wonder why it's showing £666 on the online calculator? Confused

OP posts:
Clareicles · 16/10/2021 10:39

Again, not been in this position, so perhaps speaking out of turn, but I'd say leaving when she's 6 months (I can't remember, did you say that's how old she is now?) is far better than once she's older. An infant's bond at 6 months is fairly strong, but it'll only get stronger if you stay. Then, if and when you leave later, it'll be even harder for her to adjust.

Nowhere near the same thing, but I had a neighbour who would drop everything and come over when my DS was a baby. She spent more time at mine than at hers, I reckon. She loves him. They became quite close and his face lit up when he saw her. She moved away a few months ago, and not sure he's even really noticed to be honest (not that I'd tell her that!).

thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2021 10:48

@Lulu2021

I'm struggling also with the guilt of taking my baby away from her daddy. Although he will still be in her life they won't be under the same roof and I feel such guilt about that. Even at only 6 months she is so bonded to him, her little face lights up when he comes in the room. How could I do that to her? Sad
OP for what its worth I really struggled with this: I probably remained in my marriage for two years longer than I should have done because I felt awful guilt about separating my DD from her father. Even though it was by then an abusive relationship and I was absolutely crystal clear that it was the best thing to do.

Fast forward six years and my DD and her dad have a great relationship and she loves seeing him but she is totally unconcerned about not living with him - she can barely remember living with him and enjoys "special" days out more than she would enjoy having him lying about the house doing nothing. I even have an OK relationship with him now despite him having been a complete arsehole to me when we were together. He's not a great parent but we are totally able to put on a united front and she loves and cherishes both of us. She also has accepted my (fairly) new partner and is comfortable with the dynamic.

Its natural that you are anxious about the implications of separating your child from her father but its not a reason to stay in a bad relationship. You absolutely can make it work for your child.

Cookiemonster92 · 16/10/2021 11:03

[quote Lulu2021]@Cookiemonster92

Thank you - it's so confusing! So my entitlement would be £595 a month then ? I wonder why it's showing £666 on the online calculator? Confused[/quote]
It looks like from your photo, the £666 is the total amount you will get from UC :) your UC entitlement is made up of different elements, a single person allowance, a child allowance, a house allowance if you rent and a childcare allowance, then your wages are taken into account and they work out what they will actually pay you :)

lollipoprainbow · 16/10/2021 11:12

Just checked and apparently I could get around £650 a month in UC. That's with a take home salary of £2,500

That sounds way too much tbh. I'm a single mum earning peanuts and I don't get anything near that amount !!

Original poster
Lulu2021 · 16/10/2021 11:14

@Cookiemonster92

Thank you. I'm honestly so lost and confused about it all. The worst thing about it is I know my baby's dad won't pay maintenance- or he will pay an absolute minimum and try to screw me over. With childcare costs of £700 a month by myself ... I'll just be in such a shit state. I'll probably have to quit my job. A career I've worked and studied all my life for!!

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2021 11:27

@Lulu2021

If there's any way to avoid quitting your job I'd move heaven and earth to keep it. I realise it may not be easy but I'd do what you can.

I carried on working FT after I split from my DH and it nearly bankrupted me for the first couple of years -- was very hand to mouth. But I'm in a great place financially now and bloody glad I kept at it.

I actually think its important enough to get into debt for. The long term gain for you and your child outweighs the short term difficulty.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 16/10/2021 11:29

I find that having to do everything yourself or it doesn't get done the main struggle with being a single parent

Cookiemonster92 · 16/10/2021 11:34

@Lulu2021

Can anyone offer any advice or experiences re the guilt of taking your baby away from their father? I can't cope with it. Her little face lights up when he's in the room. How can I do that to her???
Can you set up some sort of contact arrangement? I’m in a position where I co-parent and my baby loves his daddy, but we just didn't work well together. Try to think of it this way, you can’t provide a loving, stable, happy home when you’re running on empty, and sometimes two happy homes is better than one war zone :) In terms of universal credit, they are very helpful and I’ve found that with their financial support it’s possible to do it all on your own and keep your career, it’s damn hard physically but mentally it’s so much better :)
Darkdarknights · 16/10/2021 11:36

I think you will regret giving up your job. Hang on to it as long as you can. Even if you take some time out, it can be difficult to get back (voice of experience here.)

roarfeckingroarr · 16/10/2021 11:48

I've been on my own with DS (one tomorrow 🥰) for three months and I love it. No having to please someone else and absolutely no worrying about the state of my relationship, whether I should leave for my own happiness etc because he left us. It helps that I own our flat and have a well paid job.

Hard part? I would like another child some time and I have no one to go on holiday with aside baby.

ShepherdMoons · 16/10/2021 12:16

As many other posters have said it is financially and emotionally taxing at times. I'm lucky to have a job that pays well but still I find that it's only in recent years I've managed to afford a few luxuries for myself (my dd is 8 now).

The hardest thing above all though is not having a partner to talk to about the problems dd has at school or behaviour issues. It's the emotional support that's missing sometimes.

Clareicles · 16/10/2021 14:32

I earn a little less than you (take home about £2,300/month) and I have childcare bills of around £1,200/month. Its bloody tight but I can just about do it. I've got the tax free childcare (better than nothing but barely touches the sides) which knocks off a bit/month. With UC essentially covering your childcare, I'd say you'll be fine. I echo other posters; do NOT give up your job if you can help it. You'll need something for you (work is a rest for me!) and you've worked v hard for it. Don't throw it away. Probably not relevant to you due to the amount of UC it looks like you'll be eligible for, but a colleague took out a loan to cover her childcare (earns same as me) because she can pay it back over 5yrs so can spread cost out, paying more back once the 30hrs free childcare kicks in.
There's always a way. Don't chuck a good career away over some logistics.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/10/2021 14:42

@Lulu2021

That can't be right on that salary. My friend gets £1300 ( her partner isnt working, they have a mortgage and no childcare costs)

She gets no UC. Nothing. They said she earns too much.

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