To ask what you find hardest about being a single mum?

[Lulu2021]

I'm potentially going to be in this situation... long story but my relationship is hanging in the balance. I have a 6 month old and a secondary school aged child. I have a FT job to go back to when mat leave ends (in January). No family nearby for support.

Am I likely to really struggle? Any tips or advice from anyone in similar situation?

I had ds as a single mum. He was my third and having him as a single mum and looking after my 2dds full time was much easier than having dd1 or both dds when in a relationship. I ended my relationship before knowing I was pregnant so did the whole thing alone. I had a planned home birth and exclusively breastfed. I coped far better with 3 than I did when I had 1 and 2. Everything was down to me and yes it's hard work but I've found it far preferable. I'm currently unwell with flu and a chest infection and wish I could rest more as I have no one at all to help but I'm used to things now and we manage fine.
The worst thing has been coping with dds' abusive dad and ds's completely absent dad. Day to day though I love being a single mum. Don't wait to finish your relationship if it's inevitable. Enjoy your freedom from your relationship and being able to focus on your baby

@Lulu2021

Financially I'm in a relatively strong position. I have a well established career, I earn just shy of 50k FT. I have some savings (just under 8k). I don't own a property so nothing to sell. Not married. DC are 6 months and 15 years. I've got childcare in place for DD2 when I go back to work in a few months. It would be very expensive by myself I think do able from my calculations and entitlement to UC top up. I would not assume any financial contribution from DD2's father (the one I'm potentially splitting from). I currently get £30 a week CMS from DD1's father but that will end when she turns 16 presumably.

CMS ends when your entitlement to child benefit stops. This could be any time up until the 31st of August following her 19th birthday. She needs to be doing a full time none advanced course of at least 12 hours a week. You can look it up in more detail.

You're welcome @Lulu2021 far as I know, it's tax free childcare OR Univeral Credit, not both. UC will take it in arrears so check the details. I've not done UC as am not eligible, due to too many savings, so not an expert, but definitely check the small print. Lots of online forums about it, I bet. Sounds like your UC will essentially cover the childcare, leaving your salary for everything else, which seems like it could be doable.
Agree with a PP who said take time for you too. Remember all things are possible with sleep.

@Lulu2021

Thanks *@Clareicles*, very helpful post. I definitely will be assuming zero contribution from DD's dad and seeing anything I get from him as a bonus.

Just checked and apparently I could get around £650 a month in UC. That's with a take home salary of £2,500 each month and childcare costs of £700 pm (but if I'm also entitled to the 20% tax free childcare then my monthly costs go down to £560).

Does this sound right?

Does anyone know if you can claim both the 20% tax free childcare and UC?

No that doesn’t sound correct to me, that’s over 80 % of the fees and you are on a good income. I presume it’s the same as childcare vouchers where if you sacrifice your salary for the tax free childcare you can’t also claim UC help with that portion. It’s hard having nobody to share the responsibility and work of parenting with, and difficult co-parenting however being in a bad relationship is much worse. Your age gap at least means that your eldest may be able to do some babysitting and you won’t be as tied as if you had 2 young children.

The hardest things have been keeping a career going and financially. I am seriously considering relocating for work to give us a better quality of life. I have no input from the other parent. No local family. I was left with a newborn. The baby years were routine routine routine. I am still in debt and will paying off childcare related debt for another 12 months. On a day to day basis now it is fine (6 year old) but I am very tired (work ++++ hours) and find it difficult not having another adult to talk to. Social circle is now v small. On the flip side I have achieved more than I thought possible. I completed a PhD and hold a senior position at work so it is doable. My child is thriving which is the most important thing but I don't feel that I have much life outside work at the moment.

@Halfpastfun

I'm in a similar position to you OP. My marriage is over, I'm just building up my courage and strength to leave so I don't have the experience yet. My biggest fear sounds stupid but it's being in the house alone with DC and not having another adult around if anything bad happens. I feel like I would be so vulnerable as a single woman with a child. It's irrational I know. What's scarier for me though is the thought of being married to H for another year or god forbid longer.

@MrsRobbieHart if it's any consolation, I rarely get any photos of me and DC. Asked H to take a photo of DC in the park the other day and he took about 10 and in all of them I was perfectly cut out with only my hand in a few shots. When challenged why I wasn't in the photo, apparently it wasn't "deliberate"

I use passport photo booths before my kids and technology moved on to selfies!

The juggling. I literally never stop. Between school, work, study, cleaning, house stuff there is always something. The toddler years are physically exhausting, the teen years are emotionally exhausting and the bit in between was lovely.

I'm really financially lucky through a high flying ex, my own job and some inheritance. I also know so many people who've gone through a break up and are brave, smart women that if there's a stigma, it's never bothered me.

I don't think I fit whatever stereotype people expect and I'm also now pretty senior at work and in a position to devise policies to help other single parents, which i do and is great.

@Lulu2021

Thanks everyone for all the answers so far. Just want to ask, those of you who have answered, do you have experience of being a single mum to a baby? Is this even harder? Should I delay ending my relationship until she's older?

I left my exh when I was pg with dd2. Honestly it was easier alone with a toddler and a baby.

No that doesn’t sound correct to me, that’s over 80 % of the fees and you are on a good income.

I've put my details into the online calculator twice now and it comes back the same each time at £650. That's with my salary of £47,126, £30 a week CHB from DD1's dad, and childcare costs of £700 a month. I thought it sounded a lot too, but that's the figure I'm getting. I'm confused now ...

Sorry £666. Here's the screenshot.

My partner left when pregnant so I have done every stage on my own for 11 years. Baby stage is hard for everyone but I personally seem to find it easier than some of my friends who got frustrated with partners not helping out or doing the share. Where I didn't have that as there was only me so I didn't get as stressed about it if that makes sense.

@Lulu2021

Thanks everyone for all the answers so far. Just want to ask, those of you who have answered, do you have experience of being a single mum to a baby? Is this even harder? Should I delay ending my relationship until she's older?

Single mum since a tiny baby here.

No, do not delay as you will be more miserable, trust me. Its actually easier doing it from young becoming single, as you will get a routine better from day 1.
Pull off the plaster so to speak. you will find your path. It is hard but very achievable to have your shit together!

@finallyme2018

My partner left when pregnant so I have done every stage on my own for 11 years. Baby stage is hard for everyone but I personally seem to find it easier than some of my friends who got frustrated with partners not helping out or doing the share. Where I didn't have that as there was only me so I didn't get as stressed about it if that makes sense.

Completely relate to this. You adjust pretty quickly. Such as you take the baby bouncer in the bathroom while you have a shower instead of waiting until dad can mind the baby and blah.

I will say and I haven't RTFT but even on pir darkest days when I have D+V and two smalls with it too.. that no matter how tough or how grim it gets it is NEVER as bad as when I was with their dad. I never feel as inadequate or unhappy as he made me feel. I don't have to pick up a grown man's Skiddy boxers because even wiping his own bottom was too much adulting for him.

Single parenting is easier than parenting when miserable with a partner.

You get to do what the f you want. Don't underestimate this. No one texting asking when you will be home is bloody liberating even when all you are doing is eating chips in the car with a 5 year old who thinks you're god.

I am single mother by choice to two. They are a year apart. First year with one baby was heaven. Second year with newborn and one year old more challenging in practical terms. But all quite doable. I find it so much easier to be responsible for everything. The only thing I don’t like about being a single parent is holidays. It’s not really a holiday and its a bit lonely just me and the kids.

For me it’s not having someone to talk to about things to do with the children. When you’re worried or stressed about something but equally when you want to share a lovely or a funny moment.

The relentless anxiety that I'm all they have in the world. Keeps me awake at night.

I really needed this thread tonight. It's so reassuring to hear that those of you who left a bad marriage/relationship have no regrets.

@Lulu2021 it's great that you would be OK financially. I'm in a similar position, I have a well paid job and steady career. DC is 3 and I'm wracked with guilt and fear. I am going mad debating with myself when and how to leave. I wish I could be brave enough to do it soon. Wish the same for you

@Itsnotdeep

the sheer relentlessness of it all I think. The drudge, the to do list, the constant juggling (work, children, house, pets, exercise, finances, cooking, cleaning, firefighting, washing, drying, gardening, chores, activities, birthday parties, christmas, trips, illness, nits, etc etc) . It just goes on and on. It's exhausting. There's no one to share the load at all.

I'd partially agree with this. It can be relentless, knowing that absolutely everything is always on you.

Probably the worst thing for me was knowing I essentially couldn't move without either paid childcare or seeking favours from people (and then becoming paranoid about exhausting people's patience).

But there's an upside to all this which massively outweighed the down, for me. Not having anyone to "share the load" means not being accountable to anyone. Not having to check stuff. Not having to factor someone else in. Not having to pander to their needs, their moods etc. Not having to share space (which I still get a massive kick out of, nearly six years after the event). And the freedom. The glorious freedom.

Despite the limitations I wouldn't go back to a marriage or a cohabiting relationship if you paid me.

Just to say that you can't claim tax free childcare and UC if you did all of UC would stop. There is a warning about this if you try to claim.

@Faevern

Just to say that you can't claim tax free childcare and UC if you did all of UC would stop. There is a warning about this if you try to claim.

Yes it's all a bit confusing but having looked it up, seems to be a choice between one or the other?

Tax free childcare saves me 20% of £700 (£154), putting my monthly childcare bill at £560.

UC calculator tells me I could claim £666 a month, putting my monthly childcare bill at £34.

Seems an absolute no brainer which one I would choose? If it's correct, of course. I still find it hard to believe that I'd be entitled to that amount on a salary of £47k as a single parent but that's the figure I'm repeatedly getting on entitledto.co.uk and I've checked it a few times.

Hi OP I'm currently pregnant with my first and fiance left me a few weeks ago, I'm petrified but finding strength from somewhere. I'm on 35k but each calculator I have done shows I'm only entitled to a 25% council tax reduction and that is all, it is so confusing

I can’t imagine UC will be anything like that on your salary.

My main concern in those circumstances would be the older one being the default childcare, that’s the biggest thing all my friends would say. They hated it as they were still children but expected to shoulder the responsibility of younger siblings. Life insurance and ensuring you have paid for childcare when needed would be my priority.

@Lulu2021

Thanks everyone for all the answers so far. Just want to ask, those of you who have answered, do you have experience of being a single mum to a baby? Is this even harder? Should I delay ending my relationship until she's older?

It's way easier than being in a shit relationship. That stuff is exhausting and soul destroying. You'll adjust and then just love the peace and simplicity.