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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you find hardest about being a single mum?

117 replies

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 18:45

I'm potentially going to be in this situation... long story but my relationship is hanging in the balance. I have a 6 month old and a secondary school aged child. I have a FT job to go back to when mat leave ends (in January). No family nearby for support.

Am I likely to really struggle? Any tips or advice from anyone in similar situation?

OP posts:
Catawaul · 15/10/2021 19:15

Weight of responsibility, relentlessness, no one to share in DC achievements. There are good things too.

MintJulia · 15/10/2021 19:15

Co-parenting with someone who has proved to be a self-centred dishonest fool. Protecting my ds from his shabby values.

Itsnotdeep · 15/10/2021 19:15

I was a single parent to a newborn - my ex left while I was pregnant. It was hard, but it would have been harder to have him around.

Lack of sleep was a killer but I breastfed mine anyway so always did the nights. Like you I had teens who could help a little bit.

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 19:16

@Halfpastfun

I'm in a similar position to you OP. My marriage is over, I'm just building up my courage and strength to leave so I don't have the experience yet. My biggest fear sounds stupid but it's being in the house alone with DC and not having another adult around if anything bad happens. I feel like I would be so vulnerable as a single woman with a child. It's irrational I know. What's scarier for me though is the thought of being married to H for another year or god forbid longer.

@MrsRobbieHart if it's any consolation, I rarely get any photos of me and DC. Asked H to take a photo of DC in the park the other day and he took about 10 and in all of them I was perfectly cut out with only my hand in a few shots. When challenged why I wasn't in the photo, apparently it wasn't "deliberate" Hmm

I can very much relate to the fear of being alone in the house in case something happens. Sad

OP posts:
HomeSliceKnowsBest · 15/10/2021 19:17

The plusses far outweighs the minuses. You'll do just great OP.

SethWho · 15/10/2021 19:17

Wanted to add it has always just been us two and I think that is very different (and easier) than leaving a relationship.

inmyslippers · 15/10/2021 19:18

Harder to get a mortgage as only one income. Fitting work around child care. No having child care evenings during the weeks. But my god the sense of relief and peace of mind from not living in a war zone is priceless

StrongArm · 15/10/2021 19:20

Honestly, I thought I would be scared in the house. But in the end, I loved the peace and quiet. As a single mum, everyone wants a piece of you - work, the kids, friends etc. You start adoring any time you get where there is peace and quiet as it won't be much!

The bit I found the most scary was being financially responsible for everyone. Also the thought that everything was down to me - so if we were going on holiday and we needed to drive, if I got unwell, then none of us could go. I found that level of responsibility overwhelming at first.

You will be fine though, just being out of a shit relationship lifts a cloud from your life!

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 19:21

Financially I'm in a relatively strong position. I have a well established career, I earn just shy of 50k FT. I have some savings (just under 8k). I don't own a property so nothing to sell. Not married. DC are 6 months and 15 years. I've got childcare in place for DD2 when I go back to work in a few months. It would be very expensive by myself I think do able from my calculations and entitlement to UC top up. I would not assume any financial contribution from DD2's father (the one I'm potentially splitting from). I currently get £30 a week CMS from DD1's father but that will end when she turns 16 presumably.

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 15/10/2021 19:21

Fwiw I’d take my single parent life a million times over being in a bad relationship.

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 19:24

@inmyslippers

Harder to get a mortgage as only one income. Fitting work around child care. No having child care evenings during the weeks. But my god the sense of relief and peace of mind from not living in a war zone is priceless

This is what I am craving. I can't live in a war zone anymore.

OP posts:
PivotPivotPivottt · 15/10/2021 19:25

Waking up in the morning to no milk/bread and having to drag the kids out with me to get some. Also not having anyone to help with housework. Other than that I love it being just me and my children.

Sorry you are going through a difficult time but you will be fine. The relief of not having a bad relationship weighing you down will help as well.

Purplebear37 · 15/10/2021 19:26

I split with children's dad when pregnant with second. She's now 10 months, elder one is 5 and I'm back at work 4 days a week.

There are hard bits. It's relentless. There was abuse from him on top of the single parenting, however you just make it work. I'm glad he is not around anymore I am far, far happier.

Will the child's dad have contact? If so have clear from the start what you will do and have very clear boundaries.

If you're unhappy, then leave. Lifes too short.

Darkdarknights · 15/10/2021 19:27

Childcare and trying to work full time.

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 19:35

@Purplebear37

I split with children's dad when pregnant with second. She's now 10 months, elder one is 5 and I'm back at work 4 days a week.

There are hard bits. It's relentless. There was abuse from him on top of the single parenting, however you just make it work. I'm glad he is not around anymore I am far, far happier.

Will the child's dad have contact? If so have clear from the start what you will do and have very clear boundaries.

If you're unhappy, then leave. Lifes too short.

Yes he says he would want contact if we split. But only around his work and on his terms etc.

OP posts:
backtoschool1234 · 15/10/2021 19:36

There is nothing I find harder as a single mum. There is less money coming in but it goes further as no one else is wasting it. The house is calmer, cleaner. I have to do some jobs which I wouldn't before (it is only a few!) but overall there is less that needs doing as I'm doing it for less people. I can choose how I spend my time and money and my relationship with my kids is amazing, we are a team. Being a single parent will never be worse than being in a bad relationship.

PurpleSapphire · 15/10/2021 19:38

The whole heap of responsibility. You are everyone, 24/7. You never get a break physically or mentally. I suppose it depends on how much support the exp gives but I had none from mine. Childcare was a huge problem, hardly any places available and the only family I had local to me worked full time too so couldn't help, it really narrowed down what jobs I could apply for when I got made redundant. That too, no back up wage.
Child maintenance doesn't end at 16 if they're still in education OP, it's either 18 or 20, (you'd need to check) if that helps with your calculations.

Clareicles · 15/10/2021 19:47

Been a single parent throughout. Toughest bit is how it's all on you, the finances, the emotions, the decision making, the lot. It's also the most liberating bit. No fitting in a partner's hobbies, work events etc. No disagreements about how to raise them. But also, noone to share the joy with. Someone to share the firsts with. Childcare costs are a bitch at the best of times, but worse when your salary has to cover both that and all household bills etc. UC will cover a lot of it, so find out what you're entitled to. Do not budget as though you will get child maintenance (too many tales of it being shit/non existent), but see it as a bonus if you do get it.

Find a good nursery/childminder because, in a strange way, they will become the other parent.
The stigma, I've found, is subtle, but still remains in small ways; the raised eyebrow, the fleeting glance, but most parents (esp mothers) look at you like you're superwoman and say they don't get how you do it. I usually reply to that with "I don't have a choice, so we crack on".
My child is only 1, so haven't had the "why don't I have a daddy" chat yet, so will leave that advice to others (and read with interest).

My one piece of advice, especially if you don't have family nearby, is find your tribe. The friends you can call on at 2am and they will come and 'rescue' you, the ones you can meet for coffee and talk about adult things with, the ones who will always check in, even if it's just a silly meme that makes you laugh. You'll need them.
Also, get organised. Planners, wall calendars, alerts/alarms on your phone. Whatever it is. When you're doing three people's jobs (mother, father, paid work), something will slip occasionally. Don't beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow will still dawn and you start again.

BanginChoons · 15/10/2021 19:50

I love being a single mum, it's wonderful. It's the best decision I have ever made for myself and my children. My children were 6, 2 and 11 months, 7 years later we are safe, secure and well rounded in our happy one parent home.
My one major difficulty is when one needs to be in one place and the other needs to be somewhere else at the same time. Oh and rushing back to pick them up from childcare at 6 is stressful. But that's more to do with where I work than being a single parent.

forinborin · 15/10/2021 19:56

I am a single mum from birth of my second (with a toddler already). My advice to you is - look after yourself. Yes, even if it sometimes looks like being to the short-term detriment of your children. Exhaustion creeps on you very silently.

YouTubeAddict · 15/10/2021 19:57

I was a single mum for 9 years. It was lots of things really ranging from big to small. When I first became single, he was only 3 so if we ran out of an essential item for dinner it was a right palaver getting him out of the door to go to Tesco even though it was 50 yards away. Might take all in all 30 mins. If I could have left him behind with a partner, I’d have been 5 mins tops. Then there’s things like boredom in the evening once he’s gone to bed. Then the bigger things like always having to be the one to take annual leave for assemblies/doc appointments etc (I appreciate that some exes aren’t shit and will still do their share but mine didn’t)

Lulu2021 · 15/10/2021 19:59

Thanks @Clareicles, very helpful post. I definitely will be assuming zero contribution from DD's dad and seeing anything I get from him as a bonus.

Just checked and apparently I could get around £650 a month in UC. That's with a take home salary of £2,500 each month and childcare costs of £700 pm (but if I'm also entitled to the 20% tax free childcare then my monthly costs go down to £560).

Does this sound right?

Does anyone know if you can claim both the 20% tax free childcare and UC?

OP posts:
CantBeAssed · 15/10/2021 19:59

I ended things when lo was 18months old....
I wouldn't change it for anything. Running around about like a blue arsed fly, having to shoulder everything and organise childcare might be challenging but compared to living with an abusive prick it's a walk in the park. Life really is too short, the sense of relief you will feel will make it all worth it. And you can then embrace life as a single parent and be proud of being one....because we are bloody amazing!!

TheChip · 15/10/2021 20:01

The only thing for me is not getting a break. I am never without a child and so I can't switch off mam mode.
Everything else I find much easier. No clash of parenting styles. No interferences.

The baby stage is definitely the easiest stage.

Baddit · 15/10/2021 20:04

Crushing responsibility 24/7 and not being able to do anything on your own without paying a fortune in childcare.