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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset she wasn't first to know about pregnancy

113 replies

BethTTC · 15/10/2021 09:51

Found out this week I am pregnant with our rainbow, after a loss late last year.

While we never made an announcement that we were TTC we did tell family about the MC so they all assumed we were TTC. I also, after going through that, don't believe in not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Everyone is 100% different but personally I want close family/friends to share the joy while we have it, I want their prayers and good wishes and also if anything did go wrong again, would need their support.

The day I found out I got a vvfl test, so I had sent the photo to my 2 best friends in group chat asking if they saw it. They did know I was TTC. When I confirmed the test I called my mum and sister to tell them. They live too far away to tell in person. They were ecstatic.

That evening after MIL finished work we went to see her, and told her in person. So at this point we had my 2 best friends (who I didn't tell I was pregnant, more ask for advice on test) and my mum and sister who I am super close to.

I am actually also close to MIL. She has her flaws but is overall a good person I spend time with without DH. But when we told her, her reaction was not excitement. She had actually been begging for a grandchild for several years, and at first did not believe us. Then gave us a hug but was 'off' which is how she has acted since. Barely answering questions but lying that everything is fine. She also brought up my pervious MC and how it could happen again (I am not stupid, I'm an anxious pregnant woman of course I know this), that she cant lose another grandchild and other PA things.

So I went back to see her and talk to her. And I 'hurt her feelings deep' by telling so many people before her. Now, she has form for being manipulative in some areas though she would never accept that's what she is doing, but AIBU both to have told the people I told first, and also to now be angry that she's put such a dampener on what should be a happy time?

Also, the only reason we waited 'so long' (about 5 hours) to tell her was she works in a hospital and didn't finish work until then, and DH really wanted to tell her in person. She thinks she is 'worthy of a phone call' as soon as my DM knew (maybe 3 hours after we found out).

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 15/10/2021 09:56

YANBU - it’s impossible to tell everyone at the same time unless you do an announcement in person.

How does she know that other people knew before she did?

Don’t engage with her misery on it - maybe “I’m sorry you feel that way” and then refuse to discuss it again. You’ve done nothing wrong. Congratulations Flowers

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 15/10/2021 09:57

Firstly, Congratulations on the pregnancy OP.

As to your actual question, your MIL is being ridiculous and bloody cruel, kicking off now and making awful PA comments about the possibility of a loss.

If you normally get on, maybe have one conversation where you explain you wanted to tell her face to face, she's upsetting you and if she's going to continue sulking and making those comments you'll be staying away.
Do not apologise to her at all!

I'd be interested to know your DHs view on this too - is he desperately trying to appease her or just leaving her to it and ignoring it?

drspouse · 15/10/2021 09:57

she cant lose another grandchild
WTAF? Is she implying it will be your fault if "she" loses a grandchild?

She can just get over yourself. If you have another pregnancy (hopefully in many years to come after this baby is a toddler) don't tell her till you are in the delivery room.

Original poster
BethTTC · 15/10/2021 09:58

@SpangoDweller

YANBU - it’s impossible to tell everyone at the same time unless you do an announcement in person.

How does she know that other people knew before she did?

Don’t engage with her misery on it - maybe “I’m sorry you feel that way” and then refuse to discuss it again. You’ve done nothing wrong. Congratulations Flowers

Thank you!

My husband mentioned my DMs reaction which led to a who else knows question and at the time it didn't cross my mind to lie. In retrospect I wouldn't have told her.

OP posts:
GoldChick · 15/10/2021 10:01

Your mother in law sounds cruel.

ComDummings · 15/10/2021 10:02

She’s being pathetic.
The ‘I can’t lose another grandchild’ comment would make me lose all respect for her as wells that is just a cruel thing to say to you.

Original poster
BethTTC · 15/10/2021 10:02

@FranklySonImTheGaffer

Firstly, Congratulations on the pregnancy OP.

As to your actual question, your MIL is being ridiculous and bloody cruel, kicking off now and making awful PA comments about the possibility of a loss.

If you normally get on, maybe have one conversation where you explain you wanted to tell her face to face, she's upsetting you and if she's going to continue sulking and making those comments you'll be staying away.
Do not apologise to her at all!

I'd be interested to know your DHs view on this too - is he desperately trying to appease her or just leaving her to it and ignoring it?

Thank you!

DH is completely in agreement with me, and was in agreement with the order we told people (aside from my friends who actually 'knew' before him 🙈 - but he doesn't mind!).

He is trying to appease the situation to avoid stress and allow us to truly feel happy, which is what I want also. I just can't get over being annoyed that she is pulling this on us now.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 15/10/2021 10:04

Congratulations OP, try not to let this lessen your joy

Your DH should have a word, not only is she acting like a child having a tantrum, she has been very cruel and manipulative to you. You need to get boundries in place, otherwise she will claim every first when it comes to your child

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/10/2021 10:05

She is being ridiculous and i would be managing this now because otherwise ypu are setting yourself up fpr 20 years + of this.

Bad behaviour does not get rewarded in this house...when mil acts badly amd starts with the crying attention seeking and melodrama she is either:

  • totally ignored (as though she were a toddler)
  • Told she can get with the program and we all have a nice time or sit it out but she is only spoiling her own fun in the same way you would with a toddler.
  • When she behaves pleasantly we reward her by giving her attention and praise...like a toddler... (although unlike a toddler she likes to be told her clothing is wonderful she looks beautiful etc... 🙄)

Basically dont apologise and start as you mean to go on

MatildaIThink · 15/10/2021 10:05

She is selfish, manipulated and unreasonable, that should have been evident by being a total arsehole and "begging for grandchildren", even more so putting pressure on you about the risk of you miscarrying again.

Littlebutload · 15/10/2021 10:06

Ignore her nonsense, she's lucky to know this early at all. Her comment about losing another grandchild kind of sounds like she's blaming you, when obviously the miscarriage is not your fault. I think I would keep her more at arms length if this is how she carries on

APerfectSky · 15/10/2021 10:06

How did she know you told other people before her? If you mentioned it to her when you told her, that's a bit unnecessary, there was no need for her to know what position she came.

Her other comments weren't on though.

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 15/10/2021 10:08

She sounds horrible. She’s making your good news all about her and her feelings. Completely up to you who you tell and when.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 15/10/2021 10:09

She can't have it both ways - put it on you how she can't cope with another loss but also complain she wasn't told first. So are you not meant to tell ANYONE till your baby arrives?

If she doesn't drop it I'd be telling her that next time you won't tell her at all if she's going to spoil what should be a happy time for you.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 15/10/2021 10:11

She is actually behaving appallingly! To tell you SHE can't lose another grandchild?! She wasn't the one carrying the baby! How dare she?! Do not pander to her at all, it will only get worse if you do.
The chance of you losing this baby is tiny, there is nothing to suggest this isn't a perfectly healthy pregnancy, congratulations on your rainbow baby.

KrispyKale · 15/10/2021 10:12

She sounds daft and rather self centered rather than cruel. Probably has worries already about being second best grandma and clearly hasn't the sense to keep her own fearfulness suppressed in your company.

Just have your DH repeat it's not a competition and to stay positive please.

tofuschnitzel · 15/10/2021 10:13

Congratulations, OP, that is wonderful news!

That's all your MIL needed to say. Telling you that she can't lose another grandchild is so cruel, and I am very sorry she has said that to you. If she cannot be supportive and positive, then I think you need to limit contact with her for the time being.

Congratulations again, OP.

Clandestin · 15/10/2021 10:13

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

She is being ridiculous and i would be managing this now because otherwise ypu are setting yourself up fpr 20 years + of this.

Bad behaviour does not get rewarded in this house...when mil acts badly amd starts with the crying attention seeking and melodrama she is either:

  • totally ignored (as though she were a toddler)
  • Told she can get with the program and we all have a nice time or sit it out but she is only spoiling her own fun in the same way you would with a toddler.
  • When she behaves pleasantly we reward her by giving her attention and praise...like a toddler... (although unlike a toddler she likes to be told her clothing is wonderful she looks beautiful etc... 🙄)

Basically dont apologise and start as you mean to go on

This. Bad behaviour gets sanctioned in children and adults old enough to know better. Tell her that after this juvenile display of temper, you’ll understandably be very loathe to tell her anything at all in future. It’s up to her.

And I agree with a pp. the remark about not being able to lose another grandchild was very cruel.

CSJobseeker · 15/10/2021 10:13

She's being a total and utter cow.

Those comments about a potential MC are appalling. Making your previous MC all about her, almost making it your fault / responsibility if anything happens this time?

Fucking hell.

pinguwings · 15/10/2021 10:18

"Can not lose another grandchild"
That would be a huge no from me, I don't think I'd share any further details of this pregnancy and if she throws a tantrum about it then get your partner to tell her exactly why.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 15/10/2021 10:21

I'd be very clear that the 'I can't lose another grandchild' comment was completely out of order, incredibly insensitive, and guarantees she won't be told about any future pregnancy until after the 12/13 week mark.

TataMamma · 15/10/2021 10:27

Congratulations, and hope all goes well.
Telling you she can't lose another grandchild - what a total bitch. Frankly, with hindsight, I wouldn't tell her at all ever.

mountbattenbergcake · 15/10/2021 10:28

She sounds like a self-centred twat. 'I can't lose another grandchild' is making it all about her.

I would seriously limit what I tell her.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/10/2021 10:29

"I didn't know first" - ignore it, it doesn't merit space in your head.

Making the MC all about her is a shitty thing to do.

ArrrMeHearties · 15/10/2021 10:31

Your mil sounds like she's upset it wasn't all about her. You told the people that you wanted to tell in the order you did. She found out a few hours later on the same day, it's not as if she found out months later