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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset she wasn't first to know about pregnancy

113 replies

BethTTC · 15/10/2021 09:51

Found out this week I am pregnant with our rainbow, after a loss late last year.

While we never made an announcement that we were TTC we did tell family about the MC so they all assumed we were TTC. I also, after going through that, don't believe in not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Everyone is 100% different but personally I want close family/friends to share the joy while we have it, I want their prayers and good wishes and also if anything did go wrong again, would need their support.

The day I found out I got a vvfl test, so I had sent the photo to my 2 best friends in group chat asking if they saw it. They did know I was TTC. When I confirmed the test I called my mum and sister to tell them. They live too far away to tell in person. They were ecstatic.

That evening after MIL finished work we went to see her, and told her in person. So at this point we had my 2 best friends (who I didn't tell I was pregnant, more ask for advice on test) and my mum and sister who I am super close to.

I am actually also close to MIL. She has her flaws but is overall a good person I spend time with without DH. But when we told her, her reaction was not excitement. She had actually been begging for a grandchild for several years, and at first did not believe us. Then gave us a hug but was 'off' which is how she has acted since. Barely answering questions but lying that everything is fine. She also brought up my pervious MC and how it could happen again (I am not stupid, I'm an anxious pregnant woman of course I know this), that she cant lose another grandchild and other PA things.

So I went back to see her and talk to her. And I 'hurt her feelings deep' by telling so many people before her. Now, she has form for being manipulative in some areas though she would never accept that's what she is doing, but AIBU both to have told the people I told first, and also to now be angry that she's put such a dampener on what should be a happy time?

Also, the only reason we waited 'so long' (about 5 hours) to tell her was she works in a hospital and didn't finish work until then, and DH really wanted to tell her in person. She thinks she is 'worthy of a phone call' as soon as my DM knew (maybe 3 hours after we found out).

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 15/10/2021 11:02

What an awful woman. If you feel you can have another conversation with her, tell her that she is upsetting you at what should be a really happy time, and it has to stop, or you won't be seeing her. You could say that you find her behaviour selfish and unacceptable - your news is about you and your DH, not her. Get your DH to back you up, and say the same thing himself. She needs a firm reality check right now, or the future will be a nightmare.

Youseethethingis · 15/10/2021 11:03

What an atrocious woman... She can't lose another grandchild? What in the name of fuck possesed her to make such a comment?
I'd be winding my neck right in from her and her toxic, manipulative ways. DH can deal with her, or not, as he sees fit. Don't let her spoil your little pregnancy bubble Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2021 11:05

she’s worried that your parents will always get the best bits and she will be left with scraps

Self fulfilling prophecy if she doesn’t change her behaviour. With that comment she’d be the last to know about any future pregnancies. Couldn’t have her distressed by not waiting for the 12 week scan. Hmm

Howareyouflower · 15/10/2021 11:08

I have 2 daughters and 2 daughters in law. I love them all. I have absolutely no idea whether I was first or last to know when they were pregnant. I didn't know I was supposed to care about that! Really I suppose I'd expect a woman to tell their own Mum first, but I wouldn't be hurt if my daughters told their Mums in law first.

Blinkingbatshit · 15/10/2021 11:08

Wow, I’m always amazed by these threads - yanbu and if this is a hint of future behaviour you are best ignoring & moving on whilst maintaining some distance - during this time she may get a grip on herself.

TheFoz · 15/10/2021 11:08

Your Mil is a twat and her behaviour here is an indication of what she’s going to like through your whole pregnancy. Take a step back now for your own sanity.

Lunificent · 15/10/2021 11:10

I think DH needs to do more than appease. He needs to tell her her comments about losing a grandchild were cruel. That said, she would be the type of person to dine out on that and make even more of a fuss. What a nasty piece of work she sounds.

Original poster
BethTTC · 15/10/2021 11:16

Thank you all. A lot to think about.

Again, we didn't say 'Oh were pregnant, and we told her family first!'. It was us telling her, then a few minutes later in conversation DH said 'Denise (my DM) cried when she found out, she's so excited too'. Again, retrospect would be not to have said that but I didn't dream her reaction would be what it is. I naively thought this was a joyful time and didn't think of consequences. I won't make that mistake again.

As for competitive grandparenting, she will probably 'win' honestly, so I don't understand her. My DM lives in another state, several hours away, we live here for DHs DM, we're a 10minute drive from her.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 15/10/2021 11:18

She sounds really pathetic and also very bitchy and nasty to make those comments to you about your previous loss and how she can't lose another grandchild.

I'd be distancing myself until she can come to her senses and apologise. Very selfish woman.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/10/2021 11:19

Congratulations! That is the most important thing here, to say to you and your DH congratulations.

Then I would definitely go with what @TheWoleb has suggested in their post:
You've said she has form for being a bit passive aggressive, so don't engage. I think I'd maybe say something like, "This is my body and my pregnancy. I will not apologise for talking to my mum and closest friends first. We told you in person within a few hours. You were absolutely a priority. If you cant see that, and want to make this into some sort of slight against you then that's your choice but we wont be engaging with you about this again. We're happy. We hope you can just be happy to. We will ignore any other behaviour from you."

Then tell her nothing. Absolutely nothing. No details of appointments or hospital visits. Nothing about due dates. Go completely silent on her.
Oh, and irrespective of whether you have a boy or girl, her name will not be featured in theirs. She sounds like just the sort that wants her grandchildren to carry a family name forwards for generations. Don't.

godmum56 · 15/10/2021 11:22

YANBU in spades and making it about her (I can't lose another grandchild) well that's either extremely thoughtless or extremely nasty

ILoveJamaica · 15/10/2021 11:24

Absolutely pathetic of her. I have a son. I'm pretty sure that when he and his Partner conceive, that she will tell her own Mum before they tell me. And this would not bother me one bit.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/10/2021 11:27

Ach, she's being silly because your mum found out before she did and she thinks that makes her "second best" in the potential grandma stakes.
Daft.

ILoveJamaica · 15/10/2021 11:28

She also brought up my pervious MC and how it could happen again (I am not stupid, I'm an anxious pregnant woman of course I know this), that she cant lose another grandchild and other PA things

Talk about making your MC all about her! Shock

ExD1938 · 15/10/2021 11:30

I think this was your MIL's clumsy way of saying how sorry she felt when your first baby was lost and how much she shared your grief.
She should have said we couldn't cope - not I couldn't cope but all the same she was saying what an awful time it'd been for you all. Then she should have said how scared everyone would be in case it happened again.
Instead she internalised and put the emotions onto herself. People her age aren't good at discussing emotion.
She's been clumsy (and unreasonable) but its understandable.
By going back and challenging her you made her realise how selfish she sounded and she's become all defensive, and has gone into attack mode by getting hurt because she wasn't told sooner. (though how much sooner she expected to bed told is questionable).
I should ignore it or it'll get blown up out of proportion.

MangoM · 15/10/2021 11:31

I'm so sorry she ruined what should be a joyous memory of your much awaited announcement. You can't change what happened, but you can learn from it and just be wary of sharing too much from now on.

I was in a sort of similar situation, finally pregnant following two mc and we chose to tell mil first, but she completely ruined the whole moment. She's a very religious hindu and suggested I do some special daily prayer to prevent another miscarriage, blaming me and my non religious ways for the two mc.

So then DH and I agreed that we would only tell her the absolute minimum when it came to appointments and things. You really don't need that negative competitive energy around you, best not to give her any airtime.

LittleGwyneth · 15/10/2021 11:31

The 'I can't lose another grandchild' comment is unforgivable. I am so sorry you had to hear someone say that to you.

So much love and luck with your pregnancy Flowers

Hanab · 15/10/2021 11:43

Tell her to not make everything about her!

Tilltheend99 · 15/10/2021 11:43

YANBU
Sounds like she has struggled with your mc, maybe she had an mc in the past and has not wanted to disclose it? I think saying she is upset you waited a few hours to tell her is defecting from whatever the real issue is. Either way it is unfair for her to take her feelings out on you.

As you say she is usually caring I think you should draw a line under this straight away. Let her know it is causing you unnecessary stress at a sensitive time in your pregnancy and that you and DP both really need/want her support. Make her feel she can be useful and im sure she will get over herself soon. Best wishes and positive vibes for your pregnancy Flowers

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/10/2021 11:43

My DM lives in another state, several hours away,we live here for DHs DM, we're a 10minute drive from her.

Uh oh. You live where you do for her???? Is this not the first time she's demanded that you put her first?

Briony123 · 15/10/2021 11:47

So she's taken happy news, and turned it around to make a drama? I'd give her minimal info on the rest of your pregnancy. No details. In fact, I'd do that with all topics from now on. She sounds like a pain in the neck.

RunningToHeaven · 15/10/2021 11:51

I couldn’t and wouldn’t entertain this shit. Let her know that you won’t, otherwise you’ll have years of it ahead of you in different ways.

Congratulations.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/10/2021 11:52

Congratulations OP! and so sorry for your loss too

Of course she's BU and very hurtful

Merryhobnobs · 15/10/2021 11:53

I told my two best friends, my work place and my sister twigged, told MIl and then about a week later told my parents. It was pregnancy after a very traumatic loss as well and I wasn't very well. I told my work as it was pretty obvious (I was poorly, not eating and feeling very sick), I told my two closest friends because they are my support network and I told my Mother in law as she has shown over the years to be an absolute support and would be discrete. I didn't tell my parents as I knew my mum would have a bigger reaction (and start going on about my loss and how hard it was for her) and I needed a bit of time to prepare myself mentally. My husband fully supported me, it was my body, my anxiety, me who had to carry most of this. If anyone had been huffy about not being told first I would have been very, very annoyed. It is selfish and inconsiderate. Good luck with your pregnancy. Take each day as it comes, when you hold that rainbow in your arms it is the most wonderful feeling.

Jux · 15/10/2021 11:55

She's being horrid. Don't let her carry that forward or she'll be complaining that your mum sees more of the baby than she does (true or not), that your mum knows more about the baby than she does etc etc etc. Competitive grandparenting I think it is. My MIL was a demon for it. Some of the things she stooped to were just gobsmacking and the early years with dd were ruined by it in so many ways.