MIL upset she wasn't first to know about pregnancy

[BethTTC]

Found out this week I am pregnant with our rainbow, after a loss late last year.

While we never made an announcement that we were TTC we did tell family about the MC so they all assumed we were TTC. I also, after going through that, don't believe in not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Everyone is 100% different but personally I want close family/friends to share the joy while we have it, I want their prayers and good wishes and also if anything did go wrong again, would need their support.

The day I found out I got a vvfl test, so I had sent the photo to my 2 best friends in group chat asking if they saw it. They did know I was TTC. When I confirmed the test I called my mum and sister to tell them. They live too far away to tell in person. They were ecstatic.

That evening after MIL finished work we went to see her, and told her in person. So at this point we had my 2 best friends (who I didn't tell I was pregnant, more ask for advice on test) and my mum and sister who I am super close to.

I am actually also close to MIL. She has her flaws but is overall a good person I spend time with without DH. But when we told her, her reaction was not excitement. She had actually been begging for a grandchild for several years, and at first did not believe us. Then gave us a hug but was 'off' which is how she has acted since. Barely answering questions but lying that everything is fine. She also brought up my pervious MC and how it could happen again (I am not stupid, I'm an anxious pregnant woman of course I know this), that she cant lose another grandchild and other PA things.

So I went back to see her and talk to her. And I 'hurt her feelings deep' by telling so many people before her. Now, she has form for being manipulative in some areas though she would never accept that's what she is doing, but AIBU both to have told the people I told first, and also to now be angry that she's put such a dampener on what should be a happy time?

Also, the only reason we waited 'so long' (about 5 hours) to tell her was she works in a hospital and didn't finish work until then, and DH really wanted to tell her in person. She thinks she is 'worthy of a phone call' as soon as my DM knew (maybe 3 hours after we found out).

If you don’t get your DH to nip this firmly in the bud now, you will be writing threads about her bad behaviour for the next twenty years. He needs to tell her you love and adore her, and for this to stay this week she needs to stop this emotional blackmail right now.

Are you sure she's a good person, she doesnt sound very nice at all? "I cant lose another grandchild" ffs!

Congratulations on your pregnancy anyway. Try not to give her much headspace, she needs to give her head a wobble.

What fantastic news. Congratulations OP! Just enjoy the pregnancy; be happy with your friends and family who can be happy with you. Sont engage with anything else.

This child is yours and your husbands, but in the beginning, it's your body. It's you going through it. You have every right to tell your own mum first and to go to your closest friends. It's your body, your pregnancy, your choice.

You told her within a few hours. Jesus. What more can she actually, reasonably expect?!?

You've said she has form for being a bit passive aggressive, so dont engage. I think I'd maybe say something like, "This is my body and my pregnancy. I will not apologise for talking to my mum and closest friends first. We told you in person within a few hours. You were absolutely a priority. If you cant see that, and what to make this into some sort of slight against you then that's your choice but we wont be engaging with you about this again. We're happy. We hope you can just be happy to. We will ignore any other behaviour from you."

Way not week! Bloody autocorrect

Make sure she's last to know about the birth

My husband mentioned my DMs reaction which led to a who else knows question

Warmest congratulations on your pregnancy, Beth, and hope all goes well

At a time of getting such happy news I'm surprised (or not) that she even bothered to ask who else knew. I suppose if you'd left it until you were showing it might have occurred to her, but not when she was being told on the same day and in very early pregnancy at that

Sounds to me like a massive red flag and something to watch out for in future

With both my DC, my MIL would have been miffed to find out we'd told several other people first (we didn't, we waited until we could get hold of both sets of parents and told them at the same time). I don't think that's a totally unreasonable thing for MIL to feel so with hindsight, I wouldn't have told her that you'd told others first.

she cant lose another grandchild

That on the other hand is completely unacceptable and worth pointing out to her that this type of behaviour is the reason why some grandparents are made to wait until after 12 weeks to be told about future GC.

Congratulations.

Two of my neighbours found out I was pregnant before our parents and friends. I bumped into one at the midwives office (where we congratulated each other and promised not to say anything) and the other guessed. My Aunt also guessed.

The response from our parents was simply about how exciting it was. My mother laughed at her sister working it out as she knew how we usually enjoyed a glass of champagne together when we saw each other.

You can't tell everyone at the same time!

She can't have it both ways - put it on you how she can't cope with another loss but also complain she wasn't told first. So are you not meant to tell ANYONE till your baby arrives?

Get DH to say this to her. Adult to adult. Playing the 'I'm the mummy now, you're the little child, get with the program' card to another adult will backfire.

And yes, she's worried that your parents will always get the best bits of grandparenting and she will be left with scraps.

And congratulations

I was 17 weeks before I told DM. My sister, SIL and best friend found out when I did my pregnancy test at 4 weeks. They also knew we were ttc and nobody else apart from them had any idea.

Some people want to make your news about them - and that's what this is. If you'd phoned her, she'd complain you didn't do it face to face, if you'd made her the first to know, she possibly could have spoiled your experience by telling all and sundry to bask in the attention herself. Basically, she's not ever going to be happy so do what suits you.

And seriously, fuck her for the comment about losing her grandchild to you and reminding you of the miscarriage risks. Just fucking nasty, that. Nobody is more aware of the fragility of early pregnancy than the woman who's lost one.

Withdraw, and remind yourself that the next time you've news to tell her, how she will likely react. For example, when you go into labour or announce the birth. Think carefully on how you'll manage that one because she will - oh she will - manipulate you into her wishes when you are at your most vulnerable.

At the ante-natal class, our midwife gave us great advice -and it's the one that I pass on to all newly expectant parents. She said "put your phone away". That you may feel you need to update people asap after the baby is born but when you do, the phone and social media blows up and is a distraction for you at a time where your baby is so brand new and full of wonder and you don't want to miss it by being out in the hall calling relatives. In those first few hours, the parents who have the best experience are the ones who tell nobody and just have those first few moments in peace and quiet and not spend it on the phone for hours to umpteen relatives. DS was born at 2pm. We told everybody around 7pm, those first few hours were magical, just us in our little cocoon with him. I had an EMCS so immediately after, DP was in the labour suite with DS while I was getting stitched up and in recovery and it was so unforgettable for him just the two of them gazing at each other.

She is being ridiculous.

Op, my daughter has situations with her MIL that she allowed to go on far too long before saying enough is enough and now is the perfect time for you to show your MIL how it’s going to be going forwards.

I think it’s the most natural thing in the world for a girl to tell her Mum first that she’s pregnant and for that reason I wouldn’t have discussed a test with my friends and by the same token if your MIL has a daughter she will probably be told first by her if she becomes pregnant.

I have many grandchildren and I know, forces, that myself and my son in laws Mum were recently both told before anyone else and within an hour of each other but I’ve no interest in knowing who was told first. It’s not a competition and it’s really quite juvenile.

Congratulations and she better prepare to get a lot more upset.

She's not being fair/nice/a human with empathy. DH and you better be ready for more as she will have to get used to the idea its not about her. I wouldn't let myself be her personal am dram partner and just crack on

"Form for being manipulative" - you don't say?! -

that she cant lose another grandchild

This is fucking atrocious OP, I am so sorry

DH needs to have a stern word.
"Mum - this is not your baby, it's Beth's, & you should feel privileged that she came to see you to tell you in person, just 5 hours after finding out. She'd have come sooner, but you were at work.
I can't believe you are sulking about the non-event of us phoning Beth's mum first - she's allowed to tell her own mother whatever she likes whenever she likes.
More importantly - do you think you could stop making Beth's miscarriage all about you? It was unbelievably hurtful & selfish for you to exclaim you couldn't lose another GC to a woman who has lost her own child.
It's time to decide if you are happy for us, or if you prefer to be spiteful. Call us when you are ready to apologise."

Would he do that?

If he doesn't, she is going to make your baby all about her until you barely get a look in.

She had actually been begging for a grandchild for several years

that she cant lose another grandchild

She thinks she is 'worthy of a phone call'

Right OP, it might not seem it now, but in a way this is good. You're getting early warning of what she's going to be like and you (or rather DH) can nip it in the bud right now. If you don't, she'll be insisting that she is there at the birth* or that she's first to meet the baby, everything will be a competition - that she has to win - with your mum to be the first to whatever, she'll be 'begging' for overnight stays and alone time when the baby's two weeks old.

(*There have been horror stories on here of MILs (and mothers) who work in hospitals using their passes to get into the delivery room.)

You may have got on well with her before, but she's now showing her true colours. She got on with you because you'll be the incubator for her first grandchild. Now you understand that you and DH can deal with it to avoid trouble further on. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

She's being ridiculous but I expect she was in shock maybe?

How did it come up to her who you'd told already?

I'd nip this in the bud now and stop pandering to her. Don't bring it up again and if she's pa or moody when you next see her, simply tell her to Marie up' and that you'll see her when she's in a better mood and leave.

Imagine what she'll be like when the baby is born, she'll kick off if she's not the first grandparent to hold, first birthday, urghhh it'll be bloody awful unless you put some strong boundaries in place now

Her behaviour is totally selfish and shitty. Tell her so, and tell her to get over herself!

Tell her that her implication that "her" losing a grandchild has made you lose a lot of respect for her, so now you will be very guarded about what information you share with her regarding the pregnancy and the baby (when it is born).

Congratulations from me. I hope that this time things go more smoothly for you.

The comment re losing another grandchild is completely unacceptable although I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just careless and selfish. However, being careless and selfish are personality traits that could lead to significantly more conflict in the future and certainly, this obsession with the fact that she felt she should be told at exactly the same time as your mother, suggests she's going to be a "competitive grandparent" where if you see or speak with your mother with the baby, she must get equal time. You want to put a hold on that right now - grandparent relationships can be equal but different.

If there is ever another pregnancy, don't tell her until the 12 week scan. Then explain that it's because she showed such concern about how she'd deal with 'losing another grandchild' this time around that you decided it'd be kinder to keep its existence secret until then just in case.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

If you don’t get your DH to nip this firmly in the bud now, you will be writing threads about her bad behaviour for the next twenty years. He needs to tell her you love and adore her, and for this to stay this week she needs to stop this emotional blackmail right now.

This sums up what I was about to say. Needs to be nipped firmly in the bud. It never will cease to amaze me how some adults can behave so childishly.

Best wishes to you for a happy and healthy pregnancy.

She's being childish and ridiculous. As for cements about miscarriage ffs. I'd be cooling my relationship with her as she's too demanding and needs 'managing' which you don't need the stress of!

She needs to grow up and get a life.

I don't have much sympathy for anyone 'begging for a grandchild'.

And bringing up previous MC and saying it could happen again is horribly cruel.
Saying 'she can't lose another grandchild' is hugely egotistical and insensitive.

I wouldn't be trying to 'appease', I'm afraid; I'd be telling her she has a nerve banging on about her own feelings in this situation and that I do not want to hear another thing about previous or potential new MC.

I'd be backing away tbh.

Who needs that drama in their lives?