MIL upset she wasn't first to know about pregnancy

[BethTTC]

Found out this week I am pregnant with our rainbow, after a loss late last year.

While we never made an announcement that we were TTC we did tell family about the MC so they all assumed we were TTC. I also, after going through that, don't believe in not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Everyone is 100% different but personally I want close family/friends to share the joy while we have it, I want their prayers and good wishes and also if anything did go wrong again, would need their support.

The day I found out I got a vvfl test, so I had sent the photo to my 2 best friends in group chat asking if they saw it. They did know I was TTC. When I confirmed the test I called my mum and sister to tell them. They live too far away to tell in person. They were ecstatic.

That evening after MIL finished work we went to see her, and told her in person. So at this point we had my 2 best friends (who I didn't tell I was pregnant, more ask for advice on test) and my mum and sister who I am super close to.

I am actually also close to MIL. She has her flaws but is overall a good person I spend time with without DH. But when we told her, her reaction was not excitement. She had actually been begging for a grandchild for several years, and at first did not believe us. Then gave us a hug but was 'off' which is how she has acted since. Barely answering questions but lying that everything is fine. She also brought up my pervious MC and how it could happen again (I am not stupid, I'm an anxious pregnant woman of course I know this), that she cant lose another grandchild and other PA things.

So I went back to see her and talk to her. And I 'hurt her feelings deep' by telling so many people before her. Now, she has form for being manipulative in some areas though she would never accept that's what she is doing, but AIBU both to have told the people I told first, and also to now be angry that she's put such a dampener on what should be a happy time?

Also, the only reason we waited 'so long' (about 5 hours) to tell her was she works in a hospital and didn't finish work until then, and DH really wanted to tell her in person. She thinks she is 'worthy of a phone call' as soon as my DM knew (maybe 3 hours after we found out).

YANBU

MIL is making it all about her and bringing up your miscarriage was a low blow from her. Of course its heartbreaking to lose a grandchild but its even more heartbreaking to lose YOUR child from a miscarriage, as a mother she should understand. Her feelings aren't the most important here but do hold some value - but its not you or partners job to make her feel better.

Also 5 hours is hardly 50 days, I would tell her this. First person I told when I found out I was pregnant with my first was my bestfriend & my own mother (then my father). I waited until my lunch break to tell my partner & his family. At least she was told!

@KrispyKale

She sounds daft and rather self centered rather than cruel. Probably has worries already about being second best grandma and clearly hasn't the sense to keep her own fearfulness suppressed in your company.

Just have your DH repeat it's not a competition and to stay positive please.

You don’t think it’s cruel for her to throw her toys out of the pram because she didn’t know first, ruin a happy occasion, bring up a traumatic miscarriage and then make it all about her by saying “I can’t lose another grandchild” having begged them for a grandchild in the first place? I do. I think she’s vile.

Ths is all so sad.

My MIL has a tendency to make things about her.

If it weren't for the fact that these women are MILs you'd wonder if they had ever been pregnant/had kids themselves.

I'm also thinking that she might not even be much older than me-late 50s, so age/things were different in those days hardly comes into play!

She's being ridiculous and it's a shame it brings a dampener on your joy. Congratulations!!! Enjoy your positive test and ignore her petty behaviour. Don't rise to her manipulation or childishness.

🤣 @ entitled MIL

mine got upset because DH's best friend saw our firstborn before she did!
He happened to be in town shopping so popped in to see us as soon as visiting hours started.
There was no pre-arranged priority viewing ffs🤣🤣

MILs are weird. DMs are weird.
Everyone has a fucking bee in their bonnet about something 🤷‍♀️

oh dear. You have now had a glimpse as to how she may be as a grandmother. Unfortunately she may be the type that is jealous that you ask your mum for advice, of any time your mum sees you (and baby) and she doesn't but at least you know now not to tell her when you do these too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope it all goes well for you.

I have four grandchildren from six pregnancies. I have no idea who knew first for any of them, and couldn't care less. I also have no idea who knew first about the births (except the newest, her big brother was first), and it simply doesn't matter.

I hope MIL settles down in time.

Congratulations.

Wonderful news.

She is not a nice person.

Nice people do NOT behave like that.

Her behaviour is absolutely appalling.

I would agree with others.

Do not reward this behaviour.

Step back.

If you are living in a state to accommodate her, I'd be rethinking it.

Miscarriages are often devastating.

That she could react like this to such happy news speaks volumes to her character.

I would be very wary of her capacity to bring grief and drama to your lives at a happy time.

Best of luck.

Thank you everyone. I feel better knowing I'm not going completely insane ❤

I would have to address this with her. I would probably go back now and say "I have been thinking about the things you said when I told you that I am pregnant. Instead of being happy for us, you rained on our parade and made it about yourself. I am absolutely stunned that you would bring up the baby we lost, as if to make us both terrified of it happening again. As if it was a greater loss to you than it was to us. I will tell my mother things about me and my life before I tell you if I wish. Your son will do the same for you. I hope this was just a off day for you, because if you continue to treat me this way, it will permanently alter our relationship."

Be firm, be kind, be ready to be forgiving. But don't let this pass unmentioned. What she did was toxic.

I had to spread the news over the phone (because of covid) .... If anyone asked I just told them they were the first one I called. Problem solved!

In all seriousness though YANBU and if she's like this now you need to set boundaries and expectations before the baby is born and stand your ground when it is.

She'll probably want to be the first person to see the head crowning too

People her age aren't good at discussing emotion.

Where did you dredge up this startling 'fact', @ExD1938?

People her age aren't good at discussing emotion.

🤪😄🤪😄🤪😄🤪😄🤪😄

Agist much? My experience garnered over 60+ years is completely opposite.