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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL upset she wasn't first to know about pregnancy

113 replies

BethTTC · 15/10/2021 09:51

Found out this week I am pregnant with our rainbow, after a loss late last year.

While we never made an announcement that we were TTC we did tell family about the MC so they all assumed we were TTC. I also, after going through that, don't believe in not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Everyone is 100% different but personally I want close family/friends to share the joy while we have it, I want their prayers and good wishes and also if anything did go wrong again, would need their support.

The day I found out I got a vvfl test, so I had sent the photo to my 2 best friends in group chat asking if they saw it. They did know I was TTC. When I confirmed the test I called my mum and sister to tell them. They live too far away to tell in person. They were ecstatic.

That evening after MIL finished work we went to see her, and told her in person. So at this point we had my 2 best friends (who I didn't tell I was pregnant, more ask for advice on test) and my mum and sister who I am super close to.

I am actually also close to MIL. She has her flaws but is overall a good person I spend time with without DH. But when we told her, her reaction was not excitement. She had actually been begging for a grandchild for several years, and at first did not believe us. Then gave us a hug but was 'off' which is how she has acted since. Barely answering questions but lying that everything is fine. She also brought up my pervious MC and how it could happen again (I am not stupid, I'm an anxious pregnant woman of course I know this), that she cant lose another grandchild and other PA things.

So I went back to see her and talk to her. And I 'hurt her feelings deep' by telling so many people before her. Now, she has form for being manipulative in some areas though she would never accept that's what she is doing, but AIBU both to have told the people I told first, and also to now be angry that she's put such a dampener on what should be a happy time?

Also, the only reason we waited 'so long' (about 5 hours) to tell her was she works in a hospital and didn't finish work until then, and DH really wanted to tell her in person. She thinks she is 'worthy of a phone call' as soon as my DM knew (maybe 3 hours after we found out).

OP posts:

LaBellina · 15/10/2021 12:02

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy I hope everything goes well and I hope you will have a healthy and happy pregnancy and delivery.

About your MIL…..Are you sure you have a good relationship with her ? Because she sounds absolutely dreadful.
First of all, you don’t owe anyone any updates at any moment on the status of YOUR womb. Yes, its her grandchild but in the first place, its your baby, growing inside your body and therefore your medical information. Nobody is entitled to this and you decide what you share about it with who, in what order and what time. People (like your MIL!) tend to forget this, but being pregnant doesn’t make your body public property.

Second, how incredibly tactless and cruel is it to bring up your previous loss and make it about her. She’s incredibly hypocrite, you should consider her feelings but she treats you in this cruel manner.
Honestly if she were my MIL, I wouldn’t share anything with her anymore until she had come to her sense and apologized.

SnowyQueen · 15/10/2021 12:05

I would’ve told my parents, then pil, then best friend. I wouldn’t tell anyone else until the end of the first trimester.

Regardless, your mil seems to be making your pregnancy all about her!

SnowyQueen · 15/10/2021 12:10

@BethTTC My DM lives in another state, several hours away, we live here for DHs DM, we're a 10minute drive from her.

Why did you choose to live where you are FOR your mil? Move closer to your parents for support.

Chloemol · 15/10/2021 12:10

She doesn’t sound nice at all.

I would be asking DH to have a conversation along the lines that she has upset you with her sulking and PA comments and she needs to apologise to you and snap out of it

And if she is not prepared to then you simply won’t see her during the pregnancy as you don’t want the stress

Mischance · 15/10/2021 12:26

She can't lose another grandchild - that is so self-absorbed.

You can't ell everyone at the same moment - it is just not physically feasible! She is being daft.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope that all goes to plan this time. So many women have had a miscarriage and have gone on to have a family.

ancientgran · 15/10/2021 12:35

I'd have thought her issue should be with her son not you. You told your mum why didn't he tell his?

Flufferty · 15/10/2021 12:45

She sounds like a cruel, petty woman.

Congratulations

Couchbettato · 15/10/2021 12:47

I absolutely cannot understand the entitled behaviour some adults show.

She's not entitled to know anything about your pregnancy.

She should feel privileged that you've shared the news with her at all.

There's no hierarchy for who should know what, when, why and how. She's utterly ridiculous and I'd be keeping my distance if I wanted a healthy, stress free pregnancy or she'll find alsorts to moan about.

Auroreforet · 15/10/2021 12:50

When I gave birth to dd me and dh spent an hour just enjoying cuddling our newborn.
At about 10pm he went to ring family. My ds was staying with a friend so obviously rang her first to tell our ds. He was in bed but awake.
Then he rang my dm and his dp’s.
His dm complained that we got them out of bed and should have rung as soon as baby was born.
Some people are just so entitled. Best to ignore and do what you want.

ArranMumma · 15/10/2021 12:59

Your MIL is batshit crazy

LJenn · 15/10/2021 13:01

First of all OP huge congratulations to you both💖💖. Take no notice of others and enjoy this moment yourself.

.. She can't lose another grandchild???
Oh ffs she needs to get a grip and stop being a selfish cow. I cannot STAND people like that, just no consideration how others are feeling.

Staryflight445 · 15/10/2021 13:20

Congratulations but please don’t ignore the red flags here.

Where will it end? Will she be annoyed if your mum/family see baby before she does?

I think it’s time for firm boundary’s now.

HoppingPavlova · 15/10/2021 13:23

How does she even know that you told the others when you did? Most of this seems on you as you seem to over share for some reason.

KaleJuicer · 15/10/2021 13:25

She sounds incredibly immature.

chris8888 · 15/10/2021 13:50

Congratulations - just ignore her and make sure she isn`t at the birth :)

pictish · 15/10/2021 13:52

I’d politely ignore her, the silly bint. How juvenile.

Evesgarden · 15/10/2021 13:57

OP, when I had an ectopic my MIL said to me 'not to worry incase I thought I had disappointed her'... Honestly some people are just odd.

I genuinely don't know if some people have massive brain farts when other people are experiencing joy/sadness.

My granny is similar - she has perfected the word 'oh' so its loaded with a weird disappointment.

Me - 'Hi granny the IVF worked!'
granny "oh.."

Me - 'Hi Granny the house sale went through'
Granny 'oh'..

and there is always a weird silence after - makes me feel like shit every single time. So stopped telling her stuff.

And I suggest you do the same with MIL, be very candid about info you share unless you are braced and prepared for her to piss on your chips!

Rrrob · 15/10/2021 14:05

Congratulations!!

I’ve been there. Dd1 died when she was a baby. We waited a long time to tell a v small group of close family/ friends about next pregnancy last year.

It was a complicated pregnancy so DH ended up telling MIL at 30 weeks. She was livid and said she needed to process it. No congratulations, no care for us and our well-being. Needless to say, she’s seen her newest grandchild a total of 3 times. If she had dared utter the words of not being able to lose another grandchild, she would never have heard from me again.
Ignore her and enjoy your pregnancy.

Original poster

BethTTC · 15/10/2021 14:09

@HoppingPavlova

How does she even know that you told the others when you did? Most of this seems on you as you seem to over share for some reason.

I've answered this twice now.

OP posts:

Rosesareyellow · 15/10/2021 14:23

She sounds incredibly self absorbed and selfish.
You don’t need these kind of vibes around you right now, as you say you want to enjoy your pregnancy. I’d be mightily pissed off with her remarks and wouldn’t have anything to say to her for quite some time.

ChorizoJacketPotato · 15/10/2021 14:28

Only one person can be first I’m afraid.

If my MiL did this I’d disown her.

Willthewashingeverend · 15/10/2021 14:36

Crikey, I just don't get why people can't just say 'congratulations' and be happy. When DP told his DM that I was pregnant with her first grandchild, she didn't say congratulations but instead had a go at us for not informing her that we were TTC 🙄

Redjumper1 · 15/10/2021 14:57

Self absorbed and exhibits all the usual signs:

"I can't lose another grandchild" - makes the pregnancy and the previous loss all about her

complaining about not being told first - making it about her

Upset, won't talk, acting moody so you all surround her during a time that is very exciting for you - making it about her, the moment about her.

Your DH trying to smooth it all over and think of her, during your special time - trained to put her first, put her in the center etc.

Enjoy your pregnancy and try and move your DH from pleasing her all the time because once your baby arrives you will be too busy to be dancing around her. She doesn't sound like an all around good person either more a acts nice if she gets her way type of person but you know her better

RiojaRose · 15/10/2021 15:02

Oops, I clicked on YABU accidentally. But of course YANBU. I’d be very wary of sharing info with your MIL from now on. She sounds awful.

Congratulations, and good luck!

Zezet · 15/10/2021 15:20

First of all, congratulations.

Secondly, wow. She should bite her tongue, go look in a mirror, look hard and longer and bite her tongue some more.

Congratulations and hope you have an easy pregnancy!

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