Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

That comment in combination with your name tho....

LOL true

*fatshamer

*@godmum56 it's either leave him or shut up then - nothing in between such as asking for advice??

not really

Is that what you'd suggest for all relationship problems then? No discussion, no counselling, no compromise, just shut up or leave?

@speakout

*Could you not suggest a daily family walk. Then suggest compromises, healthy breakfast and lunch, then he can have what he wants for tea on the provision he takes a walk or does some exercise.*

It isn;t up to the OP to micromanage her OH.

I have tried to micromanage him secretly and encourage good eating and exercise but it's a full time job and yeah it's not up to me at the end of the day. Iv encouraged, motivated and tried to help. I'm at the end of my tether now and genuinely concerned for him if he keeps this up as I know I can't keep taking his health on my shoulders as a full time responsibility. It would be nice to know he can feed the kids as well if I'm ever not here and my god I dread to think what would happen if I was run over by the proverbial bus

I feel like lots of people commenting have never experienced living with someone who has a really unhealthy diet, especially if it's a bit compulsive.

When we first moved in together, I had to have a serious talk my with DP because he was just rinsing through certain things - like cokes, orange juice, chocolate, crisps - and then expecting us to go out and get more mid-week. It really adds up and is a pain in the arse when you have other people in the house who just want to have even a normal amount of these things. Luckily he did agree and now when most things run out they have run out until we next go shopping.

It is a worry when you love someone to see them displaying such unhealthy habits every single day, not just here and there. And I can imagine it's even more of a worry when there is a child in the mix too who will be picking up these attitudes about food and sees their dad refusing healthy options and all veg, which makes them think they can too.

It doesn't always have to be about depression, some people just do have unhealthy diets, not much knowledge about nutrition, and just don't have the drive to change because it doesn't bother them. And there really isn't much you can do except encourage where you can.

@Mymapuddlington

I can't force him to a doctor

Instead of calling him names and having a go at him. Have you tried being nice?

I love you and I’m really concerned about your lack of motivation and your health. Please will you go to the doctor with me to discuss this. I want you to support me having our child and I want to support you with your health.
Also being heavily pregnant I need more help around the house. I’ll cook, you wash up. You do the washing and I’ll dry it. Let’s try and tidy up after ourselves a bit more.
Have a 10 minute tidy before bed. You, him and child make sure you’ve cleaned up after yourselves.

Otherwise it will come to an ultimatum where you can’t do it anymore.

Yes Iv done all those things and my post today was literally a final straw of me cracking under pressure coz he ate 2 fucking burgers for lunch that were meant for a weekend treat dinner - one each!!!!

I have literally spent years trying to be the kind and caring wife and genuinely encouraging him. As time goes on my time is split between a child and my current pregnancy and I can't mother my husband any more. This isn't so much about him needing to be mothered and just leaving him to his own devices. He's part of this family. He needs to step up for the rest of us sometimes

@HalzTangz

OP what is a typical weeks healthy meals do you cook?

I only ask because you mention things like buying burgers for Saturday's dinnee and party foods, him trying to take a burger out of your hand.. Neither are healthy or low calorie

My diet has taken a downturn now I'm pregnant but generally it's home cooked meals and lean meats. I don't buy sauce, make everything from Scratch and have a side of veg with every meal. At the minute I'm exhausted and convenience is winning at times as I literally cannot face cooking a healthy meal from scratch every night for 2 people to look at me like I'm trying to poison them.

@CrystalBird

Are you the poster who pops up monthly with a 'fat husband' thread? You're always posting about him. Always

No, first time posting about this topic but interested to read this thread if you have a link!

OP I notice you are dodging all the questions about why you decided to have another baby with a man you find so repellent and irritating.

Honestly I think that was a really terrible idea because when you get to the point that you are labelling your husband's drawers and coaxing him to wash, the marriage is dead.

With the cooking for him, butting is clothes, his razor and the helpful advice it looks as if you are trying to turn him into a man he does not want to be…

You cannot change people. As you can see now. You want to fix him, change him but honestly believe me you cannot change someone

So you gave choice of accepting him as he is (as he wants to be), or leaving him.

It sounds like you’d like to be with a man with energy, who cares about his appearance, who likes sport, who’d hate being fat. But that’s not the man you married.

@lynntheyresexpeople

"Poor but my arse - all I do is support him"

Is that a joke op? You're being supportive by sending him that absolutely horrific text message? Some of what you've written here is absolutely awful. You don't sound like you even like him, let alone support him.
Imagine if he'd written this about you?? If you were just worried for his health I'd understand completely, but the way you speak about him is awful. He sounds pretty depressed to me, and no wonder!
The best weight he could lose at this point, is you.

The post today is about an incident that happened recently and iv been very honest about it. In the last 16 years do you think Iv always behaved like this? Do you not think we would have literally murdered each other before now??

Do people not realise that I'm pissed off, at the end of my tether and this is a last resort and this hasn't been the way things have went on for years and years but today is the day I decide to post about it?!

Of course Iv been bloody supportive. That's probably how he is still alive today as I have helped and supported him so much by looking after his health all these years! He has a wee steady stream of vitamins in his cabinet thanks to me and healthy alternatives in the fridge in case he needs a 'treat' but recently he's out of control and I can't deal with it anymore

@Mymapuddlington

God the sexism on this thread! He is being utterly awful yet the woman, not him, is being blamed for not being 'nice; enough

Oh please, it’s clear from the drip feeding that it’s bs. If he genuinely needs drawers labelling for him and is a man child who doesn’t do anything why would she have another child with him?

I'd post a picture but would totally put myself if anyone else knew me here. He was delighted when I done it but it lasted a week and then he couldn't be arsed. I actually thought he'd be annoyed or embarrassed about it but no he wasn't

If your husband wasn't depressed before, he sure is now, with you fat shaming.

If you don't find him attractive, why get intimate and get pregnant? Or did you do that for purely selfish reasons.

I can't stand people like you. You pretend to "care" but you are just shallow.

I have literally spent years trying to be the kind and caring wife and genuinely encouraging him. As time goes on my time is split between a child and my current pregnancy and I can't mother my husband any more.

You’ve answered yourself really haven’t you.

You’re at the point where enough is enough so either he gets help/assessed for depression and grows up regarding housework. Or it’s over.

The food thing, burgers for lunch was your breaking point. This thread is really about a lot more than that. If you have genuinely been the caring wife, tried all the advice then you’re out of options.

@Couchbettato

It's not an excuse though. That's literally not holding yourself accountable for your actions.

There might be lots of reasons why you might be feeling fed up or tired or peeved or hormonal, but how you treat someone is entirely your responsibility.

When all is said and done and you're not pregnant any more you can't just be like "sorry for being a bitch when I was pregnant, hormones made me do it teehee" no more than a man can say "sorry for knocking your block off, testosterone made me do it".

It's completely unacceptable and you seem unwilling to accept that.

If you want him to have accountability for his actions and what he puts in his mouth stop being a hypocrite and have accountability for your actions and stop insulting your husband.

Or do yourselves a favour and just get divorced.

I'm entirely accountable for my actions. That's the whole point of this post. Iv explained why I said it and also that I'm ashamed of my actions.

The first paragraph on my op says just that.

@PheonixGlitterRepublic

The shaming aspect of your thread title is inflammatory, but otherwise I hear you. DH used to be fit but has grown a beer belly by drinking and eating too much junk food. I’m quite happy to admit I find it unattractive and have made that quite clear to him. If he wants to be like that then that’s his prerogative but it’s also mine to find it pretty grim. If he was making an effort I’d be supportive but he seems to have just resigned himself that it comes with age.

This is interesting. How did he take it when you said that? Do have a relationship as such now?

@Thebookswereherfriends

I think you need to keep completely out of his business, not because you are wrong, but because it’s making it worse. Stop buying him new clothes and clearing up after him. If he leaves wrappers etc around then gather them up and put them on his side of the bed. Be firm that he is not to take your child to McDonald’s, and you set an example by not taking him either. Stop cooking for him. Give it a few months and if backing off has made no difference then I think you are going to have to consider whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who is so uncaring, not just of himself but if you and your child.

Thanks. I didn't try this but felt bad we weren't eating together as a family then I felt guilty if we went somewhere and he had nothing decent to wear and was also having to be seen with him at important events wearing paint and grass stained trainers/clothes and which did embarrass me I won't lie

I do this often but can't keep it up as he just doesn't care. There's a pile of shit on his bedside just now that's been there all week and a pile of clothes belonging to him on the stairs that's been there days that I cannot stand to look at. Some days I just don't want to come downstairs to see the tip he's made of it

Both my husband and I have put on weight during the past 18 months. I’m losing it now, he isn’t. It bugs me but he’s an adult and can do as he wishes. I draw the line when he fills DD with crap and tell him so, but other than that it’s up to him what he eats. He also has every right to put whatever food he wants on the shopping list because we are a family and it isn’t up to me to police his food.

At first I thought you were being quite unkind and unsympathetic but I think actually you must have have a lot of patience.

My dh is overweight and does tend to eat unhealthily. There are other issues with him and food in that he can’t necessarily always choose the healthiest option, but he does tend to eat a lot of ‘easy’ food. I want him to lose weight but I still adore him so I can live with how he is now.

The difference is that he doesn’t sabotage our children and try and drag them down with him. He makes sure he is clean always and models good habits in other ways. He can manage to put together a meal that isn’t frozen. And he would be worried sick if I was poorly in bed, pregnant or not.

I don’t agree with you fat shaming him, and it absolutely doesn’t work. But I think it comes from a place of anger and frustration. Are you sure you actually want to be with him?

How do you know he isn't depressed? If he was, would he tell you? Because honestly if my partner acted this way towards me I wouldn't feel able to open up to them.

For some people, unhealthy and binge eating habits are very hard to break and have huge ties to mental health issues. I was recently diagnosed with Binge eating disorder and am now in therapy and have a specialised dietician. People talking about size, weight loss etc was a huge trigger for me.

I think you should stop going on at him about losing weight and perhaps encourage a chat with a Dr. The weight is likely not the main issue but a symptom of another issue

On a side note, instilling that behaviour in your Child is something I'd be annoyed about. He can eat unhealthily but shouldn't be encouraging it in his child

Why are you having another baby with him?

@dreamingbohemian

OP I notice you are dodging all the questions about why you decided to have another baby with a man you find so repellent and irritating.

Honestly I think that was a really terrible idea because when you get to the point that you are labelling your husband's drawers and coaxing him to wash, the marriage is dead.

Things haven't always been so bad. We discussed having another child and decided we would try this year. Things at the start of the year weren't so bad. He's really lost his way in recent months and has stopped exercise altogether and the compulsive eating has got progressively worse. Yes he's always been a bit of a man child but it's been manageable. Everything has kind of came together at one time and now I am pregnant I don't have the patience to carry it all anymore and I'm also thinking of how much I'll need him to step up when the baby is here.

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

With the cooking for him, butting is clothes, his razor and the helpful advice it looks as if you are trying to turn him into a man he does not want to be…

You cannot change people. As you can see now. You want to fix him, change him but honestly believe me you cannot change someone

So you gave choice of accepting him as he is (as he wants to be), or leaving him.

It sounds like you’d like to be with a man with energy, who cares about his appearance, who likes sport, who’d hate being fat. But that’s not the man you married.

I'm trying to turn him back in to the man he used to be. The one who looked after himself and had basic levels of hygiene! He would have shaved every day as he knows I don't like stubble if he wants a wee kiss - sensitive skin and that's my preference it's not a big deal and he never used to have an issue with it but he's really let himself go and I want him to take pride in himself.

@fatshamer there's literally loads of threads about this. Always from a name changer or first time poster, always laid out in this way.

@WakeMeUpin22

If your husband wasn't depressed before, he sure is now, with you fat shaming.

If you don't find him attractive, why get intimate and get pregnant? Or did you do that for purely selfish reasons.

I can't stand people like you. You pretend to "care" but you are just shallow.

I'm so glad you feel you know me so well from this post that you can make the judgement that you can't stand me. Given that you literally do not know me and I could actually be your best mate in real life 🤣

9 months is a long time to be pregnant and lots of things can change in 9 months, people can change very quickly.

Very interested to know what you mean by me getting pregnant however and that you think my plan was?