Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

YANBU about him not picking up after himself, cooking for you especially when ill and taking the kid to McDonald's. No need for that, certainly not three times a week but once a week is too much as well and you're part responsible for that. Stop that now.

You do not ever get to make someone feel bad about what they eat though. That's abusive and fucking disgusting behaviour. If my husband was eating our dinner for lunch I would just say he's going to need to pop to the shops before Saturday as that was meant to be our evening meal. There's no need to make him feel like shit because of it.

Your behaviour is making him eat more. Believe me.

Have you thought about mixing up your shopping? We started using hello fresh a couple of months ago as we had both run out of inspiration and fancied a change. We chose the healthy options menu for most meals, so less than 600 calories a meal and it’s fab. Some of the portions are smaller than we were having, we do sometimes add extra veg, however the meals are so tasty and so much variety. Chose the meals together so he has some i out and you know he will eat. We also use Musclefood for meat and their burgers, both chicken and beef are less than 150 calories each and are honestly lovely. Once a week we tend to make burgers in brioche buns with chips done in the actifry and with the hello fresh meals we are watching our calories, without feeling like we are watching them. You absolutely can still eat good food that’s also healthy. Given everything you have said, he won’t be forced into dieting, let’s face it, no one would, so instead offer him different options that he won’t necessarily see as healthy. He may not be depressed but he will be upset at his weight gain, probably embarrassed and upset even if he won’t admit it.

@Couchbettato

I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot

We're all responsible for our own actions. You can't use pregnancy as an excuse for being mean to someone. It's not on is it?

It wouldn't be nice if someone said you're fat or poked fun at you because they were pregnant or menstruating or going through the menopause.

Putting people down never got them to lose weight.

No that's true and when my husband shames me for having a period or being hormonal when pregnant it doesn't go down well.

I do find myself unable to bite my tongue as much as I usually do however and I know that some women go through much harder times when pregnant or menstruating where they are literally not in control of their emotions - at times it often is out of their control so yes it can actually be an excuse

I really feel for you . I don’t think you sound like a bitch at all I can tell you are at the end of your tether and I’m not actually sure I could live like this. It sounds like he needs counselling tbh, his attitude to food is concerning.

Gousto boxes are a good idea for Thursday-Sunday to break the weekend takeaway cycle? , if he can choose with you and have some agency over it that could help? . And like a PP said definitely put your foot down over taking your four year old to McDonald’s, that’s not good at all.

@godmum56 it's either leave him or shut up then - nothing in between such as asking for advice??

Living with someone who is so unhealthy must be difficult, but how did you get pregnant if you find him so deeply unattractive?

Can you do some form of family exercise (hiking, bike rides) to support him? Of course this shouldn't be all down to you, but if you want things to change maybe you do need to be the one to make the change.

If he won't help with healthy meal planning, have you tried a delivery service like Gousto, Hello Fresh etc? If he has money for takeaways then presumably there's cash for a healthier alternative which would also give you the help you need from him.

Firstly, once a week isn't a "treat", it's a regular routine. Treat is once a month or less IMO.

Secondly, while I get being unattracted to someone who has put on a lot of weight (I probably would say something to my husband about this if he started piling it on), some of the things you mentioned are not that bad. I don't shower every day, wear the same clothes for days and also don't shave my legs or get my hair cut often. If my husband had a go at me about it I'd tell him to piss off, although I've been like that all my life apart from the shaving legs.

He's an adult and while you can tell him how his actions make you feel, only he can really change them. I guess it's up to you to decide if it's something you're willing to deal with long term.

What can you do though OP?

My OH is the same. Hugely overweight, he is clean, but bad dental issues- he works full time.
I am not his mother.
I focus on my own health and diet. His weight is not my responsibility.

and when my husband shames me

Wow you’re really on a mission to get sympathy here aren’t you.
Either he’s as bad as you’re making out in which case why are you with him.

Or he used to exercise but has gained weight and turned to comfort which indicates depression but you’d rather just call him fat and lazy and slate him online than try and support him getting help.

You're bound to get a hammering if you admit to fat-shaming someone, OP. But, I do understand your frustration as my DH also needs to lose weight - he was told to lose 30lbs by his doctor three years ago, lost 10, then gained it again, possibly a bit more. It's difficult when you want someone to be healthy and quite frankly, alive, long term, and they're just not doing what's necessary.

I don't nag at him, we cycle and walk together, but as PP's have said, the motivation to really lose weight needs to come from him. Your DH's lack of personal grooming and hygiene is worrying, tbh, that could definitely be a sign of mental distress. Could you encourage him to go to his GP for a check up?

Be honest, it's not about his health, you are one of the 'I'll only love you if you are thin' club, which isn't real love. Leave him alone

The only people who are entitled to unconditional love are your children. Everyone else has to keep on earning it. You earn it through your behaviour. You earn being sexually attractive through your behaviour and appearance.

This man through his lazy (can't be arsed to learn to cook to help his wife out with a newborn etc) and selfish behaviour is not earning her love.

Not being bothered to maintain hygiene or his appearance is not earning love or sexual attractiveness.

I am concerned that this 'wife-shaming' thread (to hit you with your own language bibles) will encourage other women to accept utterly unacceptable standards from their own partners, as proof of their womanly credentials of 'love' for them.

Women deserve better. Everyone deserves better from their partner.

@igotdemons

Your DH does sound depressed, despite you saying that he isn’t (as others have said, what are your qualifications for making your diagnosis?). I’ve been there myself and he is displaying all the classic symptoms.

I was hugely overweight a few years back and my DH was (quite rightly) worried about the impact on my long term health because he loves me and wants me around for as long as possible. I knew this because he would occasionally comment (but kindly) that he was worried about my weight from a health perspective. I was depressed so he didn’t push it any further and I eventually got my (fat) arse into gear by myself and I’m now 6 and a half stone lighter (still a couple of stone to go but it’s a massive start).

However, had he ever displayed the attitude that you have about your DH to me, I’d have walked out on the spot! Whether you are doing it intentionally or not, you are coming across pretty unkind about a person you are supposed to love. If he repulses you so much and is such a bad influence on your DS, why are you having another child with him?!

He is obviously not ready to do something about his weight right now, so try and cut him some slack. Is he feeling the pressure of another child looming? Does he have work issues? Family issues? Issues from the past bothering him? I had too many issues to mention and they are still there despite losing the weight I have so maybe start there with him?

As someone else pointed out, if this compulsion of his to eat junk was alcohol or drugs instead then no one would be saying let him sort it out in his own time. The time is now. He's been like this for a very long time and made big promises about getting fit and healthy when I was pregnant the first time as he 'didn't want to be the fat dad not playing football' his words.

Iv said he is overweight and his appearance is very unkempt now but the problem I suppose is actually the fact he compulsively stuffs his face. It's not right and it's not healthy. That's the concern.

As for being depressed Iv told you what he's told me, that he's not. I can't force him to a doctor and I can't tell him he is if he's telling me he's not.

if this compulsion of his to eat junk was alcohol or drugs instead then no one would be saying let him sort it out in his own time. The time is now.

You’re right. They’d support them in getting help. Going to the gp with them. Categorically not calling them names or saying they can quit but are too lazy.

Have my hair done to best of my ability and wear clothes that make me look and feel good about myself - jeans and a tee usually!

This is just you putting your standards onto him though. Me and my husband go out in paint-stained trackies and sliders with greasy hair. I don't really dress up unless I'm going into work or London. You can't expect him to follow your rules if appearance isn't that important to him!

Could you not suggest a daily family walk.
Then suggest compromises, healthy breakfast and lunch, then he can have what he wants for tea on the provision he takes a walk or does some exercise.

Agree with others, stop your son going to McDonald's.

I'd also change weekly treat night to monthly treat night

No idea. I don't mean to upset you but I'm not sure there's anything you can do.

My in laws have a similar issue. MIL is overweight, fussy eater, claims to have a small appetite but clearly secretly eats. She's been large since her early 20s. Has type 2 diabetes but hasn't done anything about it in the past 4 decades.

FIL is the opposite. Slim, exercises a lot, eats a healthy diet.

It's caused a MASSIVE wedge in their relationship. They have opposing views on health (FIL cares about it, MIL has given up). MIL is now very defensive and FIL resents her for the lack of mobility and independence it's now given her later in life.

Difficult as it's an addiction and change will only happen if they want it to happen. Big hugs, it's not easy

You can't use your pregnancy as an excuse for being unkind to your husband.
MN would be up in arms if you were a man doing this to a woman.
You don't sound as though you either like or have respect for this guy.
I can't imagine that you viewing him through a filter of contempt does much for his self esteem.

Could you not suggest a daily family walk.
Then suggest compromises, healthy breakfast and lunch, then he can have what he wants for tea on the provision he takes a walk or does some exercise.

It isn;t up to the OP to micromanage her OH.

Get all the unhealthy food out the house, turn the cooker off when he starts frying burgers and tell him stop being a fat slob. Its harsh but obviously gentle reminders arent working. No coke until after 5pm and only one can. Tell him hes no longer wasting family money on binge eating and needs to start showering daily. I think you need to crack the whip im afraid.

LOL, and there was a poster last week who said her husband swapped her coffee for decaf one morning - all the replies were "LTB"/"he's controlling/abusive". Hypocrisy at it's best!

@PurpleDaisies

When did all this start? It doesn’t sound like he was like this at the start of your relationship. Did something change?

Apart from having a child and going through a rough patch not much. His attitude to food has always been the same but he's now stopped exercising and 'can't be arsed' that's just his answer for everything and yes I know everyone says depression when they hear this but I can't diagnose him and he says he's fine.

Literally everything is a hassle. Trying on shoes in a shop is a hassle coz then he has to untie his shoe laces. He generally doesn't untie his laces and just slams his feet in to his shoe until it's in and on - all his shoes are ruined and this really bothers me as I buy all his clothes

He doesn't shave as he can't be bothered so I bought him a super dooper electric razor that takes seconds but he can't be bothered to charge it. He doesn't hang his clothes in his wardrobe and just stuffs them in coz he can't be bothered to put them away properly.

I labelled his drawers so he could put things away neatly and find them quicker - save him wearing the same clothes over and over - he can't be bothered to do that and just puts everything in the top drawer.

He couldn't be bothered try shoes on DS the other day in the shop as that meant untying his laces.

I just think this is different to depression as he is more than happy to do things that suit and benefit him - it is not a universal can't be bothered. It's only if it doesn't benefit him he can't be arsed

I can't force him to a doctor

Instead of calling him names and having a go at him. Have you tried being nice?

I love you and I’m really concerned about your lack of motivation and your health. Please will you go to the doctor with me to discuss this. I want you to support me having our child and I want to support you with your health.
Also being heavily pregnant I need more help around the house. I’ll cook, you wash up. You do the washing and I’ll dry it. Let’s try and tidy up after ourselves a bit more.
Have a 10 minute tidy before bed. You, him and child make sure you’ve cleaned up after yourselves.

Otherwise it will come to an ultimatum where you can’t do it anymore.

@AperolWhore

I’m sorry but why are you even with this man? It’s quite clear he doesn’t want to change and want an equal not a fat slobby man child and this will only get worse once the new baby arrives.

Batch cook some meals for yourself and son for when the baby is here and leave him to fend for himself x

Yes I think I will. I don't usually have a freezer stash as husband doesn't like reheats!! I think I need to start being a bit more selfish when it comes to daily life.

OP why are you treating your OH like a child?

How on earth did you find him so attractive to become pregnant?

Be honest. You don’t want to be with him so why drag it out. You don’t want advice you just want someone to agree how awful he is so you don’t feel guilty.

@RedMarauder

Before this incident occurred I too went down the gentle route of asking him if he wanted to be around for longer and do all the things with his son like play football, coaching if he goes to a team etc and he said yes and then considered how fit he would be to do all that. He went out running and ate well for a week then went back on it.

When he fell off the wagon did you keep encouraging him to get back on it? Or did you just leave him to it?

Iv always exercised, ate well and encouraged him to do the same. Including when he fell Off the wagon but I really think he needs to take some accountability for this. His health is not entirely up to me.

Looking at it from a different way he doesn't consider my health whatsoever and often looks at me funny and goes oh yeah you're pregnant......so no consideration for mine or babies health!