Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

@puddlebubble

His appearance is going downhill as he is not looking after himself properly. That is my main concern

You keep mentioning his health after statements like this. Be honest, it's not about his health, you are one of the 'I'll only love you if you are thin' club, which isn't real love. Leave him alone.

He wasn't thin when I met him and never had been considered thin. He's always been a bigger boy and had a slight belly but the belly is out of control as is his eating habits. He compulsively eats everything in sight and his appearance is shocking. If you ran in to him on a dark night you'd be worried. He needs a good wash, shave and a hair cut.

I'm not thin myself and I don't expect him to be thin. Just healthy and conscientious

@esloquehay

You can't use your pregnancy as an excuse for being unkind to your husband. MN would be up in arms if you were a man doing this to a woman. You don't sound as though you either like or have respect for this guy. I can't imagine that you viewing him through a filter of contempt does much for his self esteem.

But what does he do for the OP? Doesn't sound he brings a whole lot to the marriage table.

OP what is a typical weeks healthy meals do you cook?

I only ask because you mention things like buying burgers for Saturday's dinnee and party foods, him trying to take a burger out of your hand.. Neither are healthy or low calorie

@Mymapuddlington

I can't force him to a doctor

Instead of calling him names and having a go at him. Have you tried being nice?

I love you and I’m really concerned about your lack of motivation and your health. Please will you go to the doctor with me to discuss this. I want you to support me having our child and I want to support you with your health.
Also being heavily pregnant I need more help around the house. I’ll cook, you wash up. You do the washing and I’ll dry it. Let’s try and tidy up after ourselves a bit more.
Have a 10 minute tidy before bed. You, him and child make sure you’ve cleaned up after yourselves.

Otherwise it will come to an ultimatum where you can’t do it anymore.

Did you not read the bit where he ignored her whilst she was sick in bed but got her own food? Or the bit where she asked him to learn to cook so that he can make some meals when the baby came and he said, ' I can't.'

The woman blaming needs to stop. Your are trying to say she is causing the lack of solution by not being 'nice' enough to him.

But actually he is causing the problem by being selfish and lazy. And that's on him.

God the sexism on this thread! He is being utterly awful yet the woman, not him, is being blamed for not being 'nice; enough ,

Are you the poster who pops up monthly with a 'fat husband' thread? You're always posting about him. Always

@Ragruggers

I wouldn’t stay with a man like this,how do you stand it,it seems he doesn’t care about you at all,there is no love or respect so call it a day.Tell him you can’t live like this anymore and want a separation after the baby is born.Your children will otherwise grow up in this unhappy home ,be bullied at school by his appearance yes children are very cruel.Has he ever eaten a healthy diet and been fit and a normal weight?Surely he wants more than this life.Try once again tell him how you feel,good luck you deserve better.

Not for any sustained length of time recently. About 8 years ago he done well after a health scare and was also training for a marathon. He would have been about 3 stone lighter but still on the cusp of overweight/healthy weight. He looked and felt great for it tho and had a lot more confidence

"Poor but my arse - all I do is support him"

Is that a joke op? You're being supportive by sending him that absolutely horrific text message? Some of what you've written here is absolutely awful. You don't sound like you even like him, let alone support him.
Imagine if he'd written this about you?? If you were just worried for his health I'd understand completely, but the way you speak about him is awful. He sounds pretty depressed to me, and no wonder!
The best weight he could lose at this point, is you.

@LittleMysSister

Yes pinch of nom is fab and iv tried a few of theirs. He does like them but at the minute it's constantly on me to cook and if I am feeling shit and leave it up to him he wouldn't dare follow a recipe and will cook a frozen pizza or get takeaway. Iv asked him to get better in the kitchen so he can help with meals especially when the baby comes as I want healthy food but he just shrugs and says he can't do it

Yes I get it. I do the majority of cooking here too, my DP will do a dinner once in a while but he'll usually be making some kind of nice treat meal for me, so wouldn't look for a healthy recipe anyway.

If it's an effort to cook at the mo, could you try something like Gousto or whatever other delivery boxes there are? I think they tend to be quite healthy but are nice tasty meals too, so he hopefully would look forward to them?

You do have my sympathies, I totally get how hard it is and I have often wondered how it will be when we have a child and I have to try and combat DP's bad diet influences. I am no angel by any means and am chubby myself, but I do try quite hard to keep my diet healthy and keep my weight under control.

We done hello fresh and it went out of date then in the bin, he said he wasn't eating it even tho he picked the meals!

God the sexism on this thread! He is being utterly awful yet the woman, not him, is being blamed for not being 'nice; enough

Oh please, it’s clear from the drip feeding that it’s bs. If he genuinely needs drawers labelling for him and is a man child who doesn’t do anything why would she have another child with him?

@Mymapuddlington

and when my husband shames me

Wow you’re really on a mission to get sympathy here aren’t you.
Either he’s as bad as you’re making out in which case why are you with him.

Or he used to exercise but has gained weight and turned to comfort which indicates depression but you’d rather just call him fat and lazy and slate him online than try and support him getting help.

My thoughts exactly.

@Pipsquiggle

Well it sounds like he is addicted to food and with any addict you can't force them to change anything unless they want to do it.

I find his psychology interesting

• what you said about him wanting to be first at everything, if he knows he won't , he doesn't try.
• you lost weight, he ate even more unhealthily

It's like self sabotage - I won't try because I won't be the best.

I know this might be a bit left field - maybe try to sow the seed of him going to a slimming group. Men tend to do really well at Slimming World / WW and lose a lot of weight, particularly initially - he could be the winner in that group. Men tend to like the competition aspect

That's a good point. I went to SW myself and encouraged him to go but he wasn't interested. I showed him the books and how it all worked but he doesn't think he has a problem. I could try this again though as it's a good idea.

I think he needs to take ownership of it. Maybe Iv taken too much ownership of it for him. He knows I'm only concerned for his health tho and actually the money side of it as when he's out working he spends a lot on rubbish

@Mymapuddlington. I agree that being nice and supporting her DH is the way to go, but it's still incredibly frustrating for her. I can't really understand why my DH won't lose the weight his doctor (not me) has advised him to lose. Plus he maintains his personal hygiene and is far more helpful than her DH!

You sometimes wonder why they don't try to be more healthy for their children's sake- it's not a logical thought, but it surfaces sometimes. My DH is making some effort and I appreciate that.

@Mymapuddlington

I’ve never met a man who will accept he has depression or willingly gone to the gp. Everything you have described sounds like depression.

At this point I would say either he does a job list or he goes gp to discuss potential depression and his weight. His choice.
People with depression cannot help themselves.

He willingly goes to the docs for everything, sore balls, colds, you name it he goes. However mental health is a different story so you could be on to something. It's getting him to go though is the problem

@Glitterybug

Who the fuck do you think you are to say all that to him?

I'm his wife and I spoke to him in the way he speaks to me. Not proudly mind you but sometimes it's hard to always be the mature one who can rise above it.

There's only so much I am willing to take.

Everything you've posted sounds like classic depression. When you're depressed you can't be bothered to do anything and don't give a shit about anything. When my depression was bad I didn't do anything all day, didn't do my work, couldn't be bothered to cook anything so lost weight, didn't shower, washed my hair every 2 weeks, gave up all hobbies. Even if he doesn't recognise it, he should try doing the depression diagnostic questionnaire and seeing his GP.

@vickyp0llard

Have my hair done to best of my ability and wear clothes that make me look and feel good about myself - jeans and a tee usually!

This is just you putting your standards onto him though. Me and my husband go out in paint-stained trackies and sliders with greasy hair. I don't really dress up unless I'm going into work or London. You can't expect him to follow your rules if appearance isn't that important to him!

That comment in combination with your name tho....

@scarpa

It sounds like he's had issues with food for a long time. Those are deep-seated, and hard to shift. And over time, it can make you very unhappy - which if you already have a weird mindset about food can make you eat more out of a defensive/denial thing. If someone pointed anything even remotely related to weight or how I looked or what I was eating to me, I'd eat more.

I feel for him - I've been the same. It took 2 years of therapy to semi-fix my issues with food, and I still have issues.

On that count, I think you can only show love and support unless you feel you no longer want a relationship with him because of it, which is absolutely your right.

Otherwise, it sounds like he's a shite husband. That's a different issue altogether.

Thank you. I certainly don't seem to be getting anywhere no matter what approach I take. It always gets given up on within a week or so.

Interesting to hear how long you worked through your issues for.

It's not an excuse though. That's literally not holding yourself accountable for your actions.

There might be lots of reasons why you might be feeling fed up or tired or peeved or hormonal, but how you treat someone is entirely your responsibility.

When all is said and done and you're not pregnant any more you can't just be like "sorry for being a bitch when I was pregnant, hormones made me do it teehee" no more than a man can say "sorry for knocking your block off, testosterone made me do it".

It's completely unacceptable and you seem unwilling to accept that.

If you want him to have accountability for his actions and what he puts in his mouth stop being a hypocrite and have accountability for your actions and stop insulting your husband.

Or do yourselves a favour and just get divorced.

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

Oh gosh. I would absolutely hate to be in a relationship where my husband or I would say such nasty horrible things to each other. You might think he doesn't care but try to imagine some you love (?) saying the same to you. You seem to do an awful lot of comparing him to yourself.

What's your relationship like in general? How long have you been together? Do you have fun together? You're pregnant so you must have some kind of a sex life unless that was just for the purpose of trying for a baby.

It sounds like you don't like him at all, neither of you have any respect for the other. If he started exercise and diet and lost a couple stone is that going to fix things? I feel a bit depressed for both of you after reading your posts here.

You buy all his clothes and even labelled his drawers for him? Wow. My knees would be locked tight by that kind of dependence from a grown man, but I guess you really wanted a second child?

You're a single parent already. You want to cut the number of children down from 3 to 2 (including baby to be) so you've 2 ways of doing that. 1 - ditch the biggest in every sense child, 2 - transform the biggest in every sense child into a fully grown adult.

I don't think anyone's ever managed to make 2 happen, especially when the child in question has no interest in growing up. Sorry...

The shaming aspect of your thread title is inflammatory, but otherwise I hear you. DH used to be fit but has grown a beer belly by drinking and eating too much junk food. I’m quite happy to admit I find it unattractive and have made that quite clear to him. If he wants to be like that then that’s his prerogative but it’s also mine to find it pretty grim. If he was making an effort I’d be supportive but he seems to have just resigned himself that it comes with age.

I think you need to keep completely out of his business, not because you are wrong, but because it’s making it worse. Stop buying him new clothes and clearing up after him. If he leaves wrappers etc around then gather them up and put them on his side of the bed.
Be firm that he is not to take your child to McDonald’s, and you set an example by not taking him either. Stop cooking for him.
Give it a few months and if backing off has made no difference then I think you are going to have to consider whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who is so uncaring, not just of himself but if you and your child.

Having rtft, I think what you should do is stop trying to nudge him into good behaviour (though I can understand why you're doing it). It's tedious and frustrating for you, and it probably makes him feel like a child and makes him (subconsciously or deliberately) rebel.

Tell him you're not going to be encouraging him to look after himself any more, because that's up to him. But also tell him he's not dragging your child down with him (no more 3×McD per week!). Maybe once he feels no guilt or pressure from you, he might pull himself together. If not, I'd be tempted to leave him tbh. Not because of the weight, but because of his attitude.

[quote fatshamer]@godmum56 it's either leave him or shut up then - nothing in between such as asking for advice??
[/quote]
not really

It's getting him to go though is the problem

Either support him. I need you to go to the gp, I want to go with you so we can get support for your health and lack of motivation. We need this in place before baby is here so I know I can rely on you. Etc

Or if it’s really as bad as you’re making out, either he goes doctors and starts to get help, make an effort or you’re done. It sounds like you want everyone to say leave him the way you’re describing him anyway.

Fwiw I gained weight while depressed. Was called fat and lazy which made me fatter and lazier. Couldn’t be bothered to do anything. You’re facilitating his behaviour by treating him like a child. He needs your support and help but in an adult to adult way, not being mothered, judged and shamed.