To not want this family member around my DC?

[Almostdue94]

I have young DC one of which is severely autistic and I'm due another baby in 1.5 weeks.

The plan is, hopefully, for my mum to come to ours and look after the kids for the day so DH can be with me for my section. I don't want to be alone if I can avoid it as my last birth was traumatic.

The problem is my mum and her sister are joined at the hip lately. My aunt has schizophrenia is non-compliant with her meds. It has become clear to me after several telephone calls that she's unwell right now because she has been coming out with some pretty disturbing things.

I feel it's a safeguarding risk to have her round when she's been saying the sort of things she has, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to leave my DC in mum's care if she's with her.

My mum is due to come round tomorrow and my aunt has announced that she'll be coming with her, and she'll come with mum when I go for my section too.

I'm obviously not comfortable with either.

So firstly, AIBU?

Secondly, how can I tell her not to come round without causing upset and offence?

I care deeply about her but have to put my kids first.

Or have you tried the app ‘Bubble’? Accredited babysitters with lots of reviews. Many of my friends have used it and loved it.

Paranoid schizophrenia is an unpredictable illness. You being the subject of her paranoia would make me think she’s becoming possessive over your mum (her sister) and in her confused state sees you as a threat, which is very worrying.

People often come off their meds at times of change, sometimes because the meds make them feel numb or anxious and they feel ‘better’ off them (and can’t see how unwell they’re becoming).

Your mum has her hands full looking after her unwell sister. I think it’s unreasonable to say she should leave her sister alone (un-medicated and paranoid) while she babysits for you. She’ll be worrying about her sister all day and what does she do if her sister turns up at the house in distress? Turn her away? Wouldn’t that add to your aunt’s paranoia?

Your DH can look after the children if needed; many women give birth without their husband the second time. Do you have a friend who could come to the hospital with you for moral support? Or a friend who could look after your kids for the day if your DH is determined to attend the birth?

It sounds like your mum wants to please everyone but realistically can’t.

What do people do when there’s literally no childcare at all?

I would speak to mum, obviously you have concerns. As she has a bond with her sister maybe she can approach her with the best angle.
Do you know what time c section is? Any chance you could ask mum to get child to bed and then if your aunt shows up at least child will be settled for the night etc

I haven't tried bubble no, blackfriars, I will PM you now thank you :)

Paranoid schizophrenia is an unpredictable illness. You being the subject of her paranoia would make me think she’s becoming possessive over your mum (her sister) and in her confused state sees you as a threat, which is very worrying

Yes that is exactly what I'm worried about. She is extremely possessive over my mum and it's clear she sees me as a threat to her time with her.

Your mum has her hands full looking after her unwell sister. I think it’s unreasonable to say she should leave her sister alone (un-medicated and paranoid) while she babysits for you. She’ll be worrying about her sister all day and what does she do if her sister turns up at the house in distress? Turn her away? Wouldn’t that add to your aunt’s paranoia?

I can understand where you're coming from. The thing is, mum wasn't worried. She probably should have been but she wasn't. Until now. She's that used to her sister saying weird things she doesn't think much of it when she comes out with things about the royal family, phones being tracked etc. which she has been saying in mum's company (just not the other stuff about me)

My aunt actually had plans to go and visit a friend today, which I didn't know about, and she went off to see her as planned. Mum came round on her own and I spoke to her in-depth about what aunt was saying.

She said she had been coming out with some bizarre things which is not unheard of for her but didn't know about the things I mentioned on this thread, she also said she has been taking her meds as she's seen her taking them

She said when she was at her place last night she was shouting out in the night though and made her jump.

I don't see how she can be taking her medication as prescribed and still be having the delusions that she's having, that wouldn't happen would it? So she can't be taking them, at least not as prescribed.

Anyway, mum wants to report it to the CMHT on the basis that she's been saying things about me/mum personally and it has unnerved me. I don't know what they'll be able to do about it but it's being called in tomorrow morning.

She still wants to have the children for me and suggested saying that the date has been changed, as pp suggested, but I just don't think it's going to work.

I have to be at the hospital at 7am as I'm scheduled for morning surgery but I can't guarantee what time it'll be. The chances are it'll be early, before noon, unless emergencies come in - but then there's always the chance it'll be pushed back until the afternoon and she would need to be sat at my house half the day.

Do you have a friend who could come to the hospital with you for moral support? Or a friend who could look after your kids for the day if your DH is determined to attend the birth?

Unfortunately not, mum is all I have locally.

I don't see how she can be taking her medication as prescribed and still be having the delusions that she's having, that wouldn't happen would it? So she can't be taking them, at least not as prescribed.

I suffer with delusions and my meds don't always work for them despite me taking them exactly as prescribed. She may need a medication review

One option mum is open to is as a PP suggested, she takes the kids on a morning out rather than sitting at our house with them. I'm at the hospital at 7 and aunt doesn't tend to get up after 8am.

Then DH can meet up with her after my surgery and bring the kids home, then mum can come and see me in the hospital for an hour or so (depending on what's going on with aunt on the day)

Does that sound feasible or still a no go?

If anybody can shed some light on whether the delusions would be present if she was taking her meds that would be helpful, as atm the impression I'm getting doesn't tally up with me being told she's been taking it.

@HerRoyalWitchyness

I don't see how she can be taking her medication as prescribed and still be having the delusions that she's having, that wouldn't happen would it? So she can't be taking them, at least not as prescribed.

I suffer with delusions and my meds don't always work for them despite me taking them exactly as prescribed. She may need a medication review

Crossed posts, thank you so much for answering @HerRoyalWitchyness

I don't see how she can be taking her medication as prescribed and still be having the delusions that she's having, that wouldn't happen would it? So she can't be taking them, at least not as prescribed

She may be pretending to take them but spitting them out when your mum isn’t looking. I work in MH and it’s very common for patients to hide meds under their tongue or in their cheek, then find a stash of spat-out tablets in their room or pockets. The only way to tell would be for the doctor to check her blood levels of the medication (which would show if she’s taking it as prescribed).

Or she may be taking them but the effectiveness has worn off.

I think contacting mental health is the best way forward. They may admit her for review and blood tests especially if she’s having paranoid delusions towards you. Schizophrenia is taken very seriously by mental health teams, because of the potential danger it can pose to the patient and those around her.

If anybody can shed some light on whether the delusions would be present if she was taking her meds that would be helpful, as atm the impression I'm getting doesn't tally up with me being told she's been taking it

They could be. Or she could be pretending to take her meds, or needs the meds changing.

My friend is a doula and goes into hospital with women giving birth. How about hiring a doula?

OP I agree with everyone else here. I actually got chills from reading your opening post, your aunt definitely sounds like a potential threat and I would not let her come close to you or your family anymore. Your mother should understand this. I agree with the idea of your mother staying with the DC in a hotel somewhere but you have to be 100% sure she won’t tell your aunt where it is. The question is if you can trust her with this information, personally I wouldn’t bet on it. It’s a tough situation and I really feel for you.
Your aunt is as you say, weaponizing her mental health issues and your mother should put some boundaries in place and put you first.

Sounds like your mum needs some support as well. Once you've had the baby it might be worth you both talking to a local carers organisation to see if some respite could be arranged so your mum can have that time to be your mum knowing her sister is ok

I agree with PP, sometimes people do have a worsening of their schizophrenia symptoms even when taking their medication.

Still possible she's not fully compliant with them if course.

I really do understand where you’re coming from where your mum and aunt are concerned. In my case, it’s my DM and my DB. I had to cut contact with my DB and insist on no contact when my DM had one of my DDs staying overnight. She has gone along with this, whilst laying on the emotional blackmail about how lonely he is.

It isn’t for the same reason as in your situation. My DB isn’t a current threat to anyone, unlike your aunt; but my DSis and I had reported our childhood sexual abuse, which he had participated in, whilst also been a victim. We therefore had no choice but to take the steps we did. He has MH issues as well (though not to the extent your aunt has) and has always been very stressful to be around, so it has been a relief not to have to cope with him, admittedly.

My DH and I have started seeing him ourselves very occasionally now, though our DDs (now 12 and 9) still don’t see him.

So YANBU, OP. I hope your mum respects your wishes so that you can have her as your birth partner. If you’re firm about it, hopefully she’ll accept your boundaries in future as well. I found it easier than I expected it to be to be, once I put my foot down.

Hi AlmostDue,

what a horrible situation you are in. I've no more advice over and above what others have said, so I looked up doulas for you. Looks like they would be well beyond your price bracket. But this turned up, I don't know if you might get support for after the birth here?

www.nct.org.uk/about-us/community-support-programmes/birth-and-beyond-community-support-bbcs

Wishing you well

Thanks all for the replies

I agree mum could do with some support herself, given how much aunt leans on her. It's alot for anybody to take on and I do feel for her. She doesn't actually see herself as her sisters carer but that is essentially what she's become.

After posting yesterday I was told that her MH staff don't visit her at home much now after an incident that made the primary support worker uncomfortable, so that's not good and means the meds aren't being monitored as much as before and I can see from you, PP who works in the MH sector, that it's easy for patients to conceal the fact they're not swallowing their tablets. I will relay that back to mum.

Aunt has been trying to call me but I'm disengaging from her at the minute as the whole thing is making me quite anxious which is making me feel a bit ill and i don't want to be feeling that way this close to having baby. It's like I'm on edge and can't relax.

She's done a 180 now and asked mum to tell me she wants to give me some money to treat myself to a few bits and have a pamper in the lead up to birth. I don't need or want anything as I have everything I need, other than some peace of mind.

That's another red flag for her relapsing btw, she starts splashing out on things and spending money unnecessarily, so I won't be accepting.

I'm sorry you can relate on a personal level Lizzie, it sounds like you've been through hell. I hope you were able to access the support needed to work through what you endured when you were a child

Thank you for the kind words and the link you've posted Pfizer I will check it out now.